Female Problems

[Hakkera 0]

I would guess this is the average cut and dry case of what you would expect to find in this forum, but. For the people concerned, every case is different, so please try to bare that in mind.Two years ago, I joined a class with a certain female in, I was drawn to her at first sight. It was shallow, yes, and very stupid, as I did not even know what she was like. One and a half years went by, with me sitting around thinking something was very wrong with myself: I had felt that kind of way about girls before, but over school holidays or something, I had lost interest in them, and moved on. Something was different about her. I had kept the special feeling I had for her, and it was growing worse the more I saw her. Over the holidays all I felt was a need to see her, and was relieved when I got back. I knew that I had to actually talk to her, though I had No self confidence or courage whatsoever back then. I had never had a girlfriend in my life before, and I was going to be awful with females. I acquired her MSN Messenger adress from her friends, who by this time knew that I was interested in her, and they of course, told her such. I knew she knew, but I still started talking to her over MSN in a purely friendly manner. One time we got into a conversation about it, and I admitted that I did have feelings for her. She said that she was very flattered, but that she was not interested. Months passed and we grew closer together, spending 12 hours solid sat on the computer, solely talking to each other. There was never an awkward pause between us. Just becuase I had feelings for her, I did not want to let them get in the way of our friendship. So I kept them restrained, and respected her purely as a friend, a relatively distant one, as although we spent hours on MSN togeher, in real life, we rarely talked as she had social class, which was at the time something I didn't. We had very similar interests, and some of the time I actually spent sat around asking what was going on, we seemed a perfect match for each other. Eventually things changed though, and we sat next to each other in lessons and grew closer and closer to each other, the late night phone calls began, and the text messages. We decided that it would be time for us to go out together, purely as friends, but go out none-the-less. I did not read anything into this at the time, and merely enjoyed the thought of having her over and spending some time with her. So, she came over mine one saturday, both of my parents were in, and the rumours were bound to fly for weeks afterword. She was round so that I could teach her some Photoshop and Dreamweaver, two things that we were both interested in, so I headed smartly for the privicy of my room. I taught her some stuff, then we decided on watching a film. We werent really paying attention to the film that much, more just sitting on my bed, then when the film started properly rolling, she pretty much started laying on me and stuff. It was really weird, and I was really quite confused, but I had wanted that kind of thing to happen for such a long time, so I just rolled with it. She ended up going home when the film had finished, and I was still feeling very confused, and harbouring the mother of all dead arms as she had been laying on it for the past 2 hours. After that we started sending each other emails about questions that we could not really ask each other face to face. Getting to know each other better still. She had really enjoyed coming over it turned out, and in one of her emails saying that we were closer together than her and her exboyfriend ever were, this struck me as odd at the time seeing as we weren't going out. We decided that she should come over again, and she did. My parents were out this time, and we had no films that we wanted to watch. So for 7 hours, we just layed together in my bed, in each others arms, we didn't kiss until the end of the day, then we did, it was annoyingly interrupted by a prank call. It both brought us back to reality, and we stopped, we still lay in each others arms, but no more kissing. After that the letters to each other started. A few weeks later we decided to go out together as boyfriend and girlfriend, something that I couldnt hide my joy at doing, for once, the one thing that I really wanted to happen had. However, there was a guy, that she had known for 5 years, something happened, and he too started to become interested in her, she cheated on me once, but was genuinely sorry, so I let her back in. About a month and a half after we started going out, she wanted to break it up, I couldnt believe it. Literally 12 hours before we were planning what we were going to do together the next day. Prior to this, she had loved me. It was her 16th birthday the day before, and we were happy together then. Something must have happened in those 12 hours. I dont know if this guy made a move or something, ro something changed in her head, but if you love someone, I dont think that it happens that fast.She is now going out with this guy, it happened about 2 days after she left me. She denies that he had anything to do with it, but I dont know if I would trust her. She still wants to be my friend, and still thinks that I am one of her "closest friends" though I dont see how that can be. Staying friends si something I am not sure about. I cannot get over her at all, I see her every day with this guy, and they are all over each other. I just keep feeling that it should be me who is doing that. I cant stand to see them or hear anything about this guy at all. I miss her so much, everything just feels connected to her in some way. I miss the attention that she gave me as well more than anything. I just need to move on, but I cant get over her, does anyone know how to, or get her out of my head. I still love her, I wish I could just turn it off like she did, but I cant; I've tried. I obviously cant talk to her about it so that rules that out, and even if I hint at it, she gets angry.Well there you go, well done to anyone who actually read this, you deserve a cookie. Has anyone got any ideas?

[Kubi 0]

Well...first off, I read it, now give me a cookie .This seems to be remotely close to what's currently happening between me and another girl...hm. I suggest you stay friends with her, to avoid even MORE drama in your life, that's probably the last thing you want at this point..Seeing as how the relationship basically over all I can suggest is..."wait". Maybe she'll come around and realize what she did wasn't right. Even though you may not want to get back together, because that always spells "Trouble", maybe you can still be "best friends".You never really want to ignore a girl, because from personal experience, everything just goes to heck when you do that.Give her a chance to talk with you, sort things out.Lastly, I'm ganna have to say DON'T get back together, atleast not right away. It's hard for me to explain, but when my friend did that to our group of friends(two of us had a thing for her, me, and anohter girl) we all were so mad/upset/angry and any other words you can find.. It lasted about 2 weeks and everything went back to normal, well, most everything...

[Hakkera 0]

Thanks for the reply; its good to know someone is in a similar situation. I said people who read it deserve a cookie, the whole damn board would be here if I was giving out cookies! After we split, I didnt talk to her for a while, to try and get her out of my life. Most of my friends dont really pass an opinion on this kind of thing, but my best bud is saying never touch her again with a barge pole. She is my ish friend at the minute, I never initiate conversation with her, it is always the other way around. I don't know if she actually cares about me, she seems to really care about what I do, But I dont know if it is normal for her to? It sometimes annoys me how much control she wants over my life. She was the one who threw me out in the cold. Not Me. I dont know if I can get back together with her, or even if I would want to, I love her yes, but there are many other factors in the occasion. Though, we do seem to be getting closer. As of yesterday, we are spending a long time on msn, and texting each other. She has offered to call as well, and she said I could Email her (I am on holiday so I cant write). I dont know if friends is really a good idea though, I always wanted something more than friends when I was going out with her last time so.. I am not ignoring her anymore, I am at least replying to the texts, i am ignoring the phone calls though, and not writing as of yet. I certainly am not going ot get back with her in the near future, she still has her existing boyfriend, and from what I can tell, they are happy enough together.

[gaea 0]

Weither you should remain on a friendly level with this girl depends solely on how you feel. If you can be happy with "just being friends" with her then that is wonderful. But if being around her makes you feel depressed, or you find yourself constantly longing after her attention then that's not going to help you get over her--only prolong your heartbreak. It's a really difficult experience, one many of us has been through. I can't give you much advise except that you need to take care of yourself emotionally. If she is making you unhappy more times than she is making you feel good, then something needs to change.Much love and strength to you man. This too shall pass.

[anwiii 17]

I would guess this is the average cut and dry case of what you would expect to find in this forum, but. For the people concerned, every case is different, so please try to bare that in mind.Well there you go, well done to anyone who actually read this, you deserve a cookie. Has anyone got any ideas?

sorry to hear that buddy. it's gotta be hard on ya right now so what i have to say isn't going to help you in thoughts much. first, you aren't her type. she was being honest in the beginning when she told you that. that closeness you felt was a friendship and nothing more and the boundries needed to be respected. confusing feelings, YES and i am sorry. it's hard. anyone could have made the mistake. as far as being friends now, it's going to be harder than before because of the betrayel and the bitterness of being hurt you need to get over. how dare she, right? act like she isn't hurt by being all over this other guy while you are still pining away with hurt feelings. you have a choice. you have to decide if you just want to be friends with her. if you do, you need to get over your hurt knowing it was immature actions on both parts and both were confused(you weren't the only one) or if you don't have it in you to be friends(which is understandable but a shame) then you need to avoid her at all cost without the constant reminder of her. if you have the same class, sit in front of her so you don't have to see her. if you see her at school, go somewhere else and look the other way until you can deal with this hurt

as far as what you did in the 12 hours she did a 180 on ya when you had plans the next day. something must have happened right? yes and no. what happened wasn't within the 12 hours but from the beginning you two started dating. she was testing the waters to see if she wanted more from you. don't be sad about you not being her type bud. "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" people have their personal preferences. and doesn't mean you don't hold "beauty" your own self(hahah feel silly tellin' that to a guy). it's true.

so my advice to you is chalk his up as a learning experience. your first love. it's not a bad thing even though it may feel like the worse thing in the world right now. you're experiencing life and there is more of it to experience. some of it i promise you will hold alot better experiences for you.....while some will again be hurtfull. that's life bud. keep busy during this time in getting over things. don't leave yourself time to dwell on the negative. spend more time with your friends or your hobbies or things you normally like to do, and don't let this affect your grades if you're having a hard time concentrating

wish you luck. lemme know how things go. you sound like a nice guy so you wont find problems meeting someone else you are attracted to. work on that shyness though and don't let this situation affect future situations negatively. you want to live, not let life pass you by.....

[Hakkera 0]

Thanks guys,Gaea: Yes, that is certainly something that I have to consider, at the minute, I do not know whether it is better or worse for me to stay friends wit her, so I am not doing anything, like I say, I am not ignoring her, but not actively being friends with her until I have truely made up my mind. The thing is I do not know if I ever really was happy with friends. All the time I was before I just wanted something to happen between us so I don not know if I can live like that. Is it fair on myself?Anwii: Exactly, there is some hostilities between us now that certainly prevent us being as close as we were before, and I do not think those things will go away in the near future by any means. Maybe it is not something that is the best in this situation, but I have been taught by my best friend, a guy who lives by a code of morals (not religious), to forgive, but never forget. The concept of us both being just friends all along is an intriguing one, and entirely understandable. I guess from the persons point of view in each of these cases it does not feel like 'just friends.' But we certainly did some things that friends don't do, even the closest of. If I chose not to be friends with her, it would certainly be very difficult to achieve seeing as I still harbour certain feelings for her. Avoiding her would be difficult; my classes are not arranged in such that I can position myself so she is out of my view, and I have just found out that she will be going to the same college as me and doing 3/4 of the same subjects, at least her new guy is not.Yes, looking at it I can say that I did learn a lot from it, and for the most part it was in nice, small controllable doses, apart from this. Keeping busy is one thing that I have certainly been doing, I have actually been spending an alarmingly large amount of money on myself, where as I guess it used to be spent on her. So basically I spend most of my weekends touring round my citys top branded clothes stores picking up the Armani, Versace etc.. Shame I have no one to do it alongside now, as most of my friends are goths.

[anwiii 17]

Thanks guys, but I have been taught by my best friend, a guy who lives by a code of morals (not religious), to forgive, but never forget. The concept of us both being just friends all along is an intriguing one, and entirely understandable. I guess from the persons point of view in each of these cases it does not feel like 'just friends.' But we certainly did some things that friends don't do, even the closest of.

ihavethe same advice as your friend does. the idea of "forgiving and forgetting" is a nice one but impossible and useless. you should never forget your past wether good or bad. your past creates who you are and to forget it is to ignore the basic foundation of your future. forgive, yes bud, you need to forgive. if you care about her you have to put all selfish thoughts aside and just want the best for her wether it's with you or without you. time will tell if it's with you but don't be disappointed if it's not because things do happen for a reason. life has a strange purpose we don't understand sometimes but in the end it will all make sense and come together if we make the right choices for ourselves.

easier said than done to forgive, especially when she mislead you. now my question is, why the heck were you spending all this money on 'r ya knucklehead? sounds like she wasn't too materialistic though if you were and she left ya. you both seem to be cool people. good luck with things

[fffanatics 0]

Wow that is a normal case of what happens in middle school and high school. I have been through my fair share of relationships like that but what you have to remember is that what is meant to happen will happen. Since she broke up with you it just means she wasnt the one for you. You have plenty of time to find the right person and i know it is hard when someone you care about but time will heal the pain. I went through a break up after dating this girl for just under a year and of being exculsive for just under 6 months and well it sucked. However, two weeks later i had a big fraternity event and i just made sure i went out and had a good time. You will find another person that you will care for and since you are younger, you probably will find a bunch more than 1. Just when stuff like this happens move on and keep looking because each time you will discover more of what characteristics you want in a match and more of what you dont want until finally you find someone who matchs all of the criteria and they will be the one. Good luck and just go have a good time with some friends and you will move on. Trust me on that one.

[Hakkera 0]

Indeed, my friend has a certain air about him that commands respect, and I normally ignore his aadvice at my peril, and this to is something I agree with. Forgiving, is certainly something I need to consider, I am not making any decisions until I am completely sure. Putting all my selfish thoughts aside is something that I have to also consider and consider whether if it is worth it for what I would gain from a friendship, if deep down all I want to do is just to get back together, then it is worthless. It wont be something that will happen overnight of course either, but I have to decide whther I want to or not first. Largely there are times of both. When talking to her there are just sometimes that I want her to go away and never come back, then there are the other times, when I wouldnt say that I needed her, but times I would like to have her around. Looking at it, I dont think I spent all that much money on her, I bought her relatively expensive birthday and valentines day presents, and I was the one paying for the coffee all the time, but I dont think that that shows me as materialistic. Which, for the record is something that I am not, I may buy into the whole designer labels thing, but it is only because I care about what my appearance is like, I am not consumed by it. I think it is something that rubbed off on me actually, as she is one for caring what she looks like, (then again, arent all girls like that?) It's just that spending money on myself now does make me feel good about myself, which can only help things the way I see it.EDIT: I just read fffanatic's post.Yes, I guess it is what happens in high school, and that is quite an eloquent way of putting it: She just wasnt the one for me. I hope I do find someone else though, and someone soon, I really miss the attention I got off of her, and the things that we did together, I need someone else to do them with. But on the whole new girlfriend front, I am keeping a very open mind at the minute, for the past 5 years at one time or another I have felt something for another girl, other than feeling something for this girl now, I am open. Which in itself feels quite strange. The strange thing is, since I started paying a lot more attention to her, my friends have changed so much, before they were pretty much all regular guys, now, as I said earlier, many of them are goths, something I will never be. I have tried to increase the number of friends I have by speaking to people from other schools in the area, but I hardly see them every day. It is odd though, people just changing right under my nose and me not noticing.

Edited April 17, 2006 by Hakkera (see edit history)

[Hakkera 0]

I am so damn angry now! I can't believe this. Every time I think I am starting to get over her, I get enticed back in by some tidbit she indavertantly says. I get sucked back in and I keep thinking: "well there is a possibilty of us going out again," and I keep starting to fancy her again! AGGH!! So angry! Help please! Any ideas anyone!?

[Kioku 0]

That is a girl thing to do. She's basically trying to say that she's interested, but something's keeping her from being with you at the moment. If you're that interested in her, I say keep yourself available, wait for a while, and ask her out. She's interested and that's a good thing. Just don't be too forward or intrusive from time to time. She needs her space.

[anwiii 17]

That is a girl thing to do. She's basically trying to say that she's interested, but something's keeping her from being with you at the moment. If you're that interested in her, I say keep yourself available, wait for a while, and ask her out. She's interested and that's a good thing. Just don't be too forward or intrusive from time to time. She needs her space.

 

she's not interested, she is CONFUSED. a big difference. she already cheated on him now she may want to cheat on her current boyfriend. my advice is to stay the heck away from her until she is not confused anymore and can learn that she doesn't always have to have a guy in her life until she isn't confused anymore. this girl has some problems. doesn't make her a bad person, but she just needs time for herself and away from the influences that are guiding her in the wrong direction and confusing her even more.

[Kioku 0]

Time for herself leads to a bigger conundrum, especially if she isn't very trustworthy, she might wind up just reaching out towards another guy. Either way, I have to agree. It wouldn't be healthy to be the other guy if she does become more forwards with expressing herself.

[dundun2007 0]

Well you may think that you love her and all which may be true at the moment. You are in high school though, when i was in high school there was no such thing as serious relationships. I am positive that nearly 85% of all the couple that were in my highschool have now broke up and are moving on. I would suggest still talking to her and trying your best to get her attention, i am sure she will eventually get rid of this guy too. It sounds like she has had alot of boyfriends so far which is a very bad sign, because that means shes not going to commit to a relationship. Your best bet is to just try and become friends and see were that leads you. There is really nothing more you can do other than just be jealous and waste alot of your time chasing after something that you cant get. Although i dont mean to be hypocritical but you if you really want something that bad why not try your hardest to get what you want.

[Hakkera 0]

Well, I have actually gone to see a professional councellor about this to try and sort it out, she recommended some potion that would at least numb the feeling, it does that a little, but numbs all feelings, given the choice though I take it. Other than this, I did not really get that much out of it, there were a lot of silences where I was expecting something to be said. I dont know, maybe I expected too much, but thats another issue all together.

 

Personally, I really do not think she's interested, a while ago, from what I hear, her and her boyfriend had an argument about not seeing each other that much, (something I did a lot.) They seemed a little distant for a few days, but today in particular they seemed quite close. We are starting to spend more time together, 4 hour phone calls from midnight etc. There are some strange things that I just do not get though, she says things like she could "not imagine speaking to me nearly every day" whenever I bring up the subject of going away for a period of time in which I will not have any contact with her.

 

To be honest, I dont know what I am gonna do still, I have about a month to decide, as the summer holidays commence then. I have the choice of whether to see her or not, she says that "we will have to make arrangements to" But I am not so sure of this. It is getting to the stage whereby now she is starting to annoy me, the whole damn situation is starting to annoy me. The way I see it is that if she is the cause of the problem, and If I cut her out completely. [i don't mean not look at her in class or talk to her, I mean completely cut her out, not even have the temtation there, because I will be actively trying to ignore her, and most likely fail.] I can only start doing this in the summer time when she will not be around. It is not guaranteed that this is the way it will turn out, but it is something that I will try.

 

One of the other annoying things that I don't get is that her new boyfriend, from what i can see really doesnt treat her well, he doest wait for her after class, he barely sees her outside of school. It would have been easier if he was good to her, maybe its just from what I see, but I hear she does get annoyed with him at times. I never heard such things about me.

 

Thanks for the replies, keep them coming.