Microsoft's Memo To It's Indian Staff - Hilarious

[miCRoSCoPiC^eaRthLinG 0]

This came by mail to me today - and it this is true, this is by far the most hilarious corporate memo of this century.

 

BTW - this would appeal more to the Indian people on this board as it contains a lot of expletives in our national language - Hindi. I wouldn't bother translating them, as some of them are real nasty. But wherever you encounter such a word, simply put your imagination at work and replace it with something filthy - and you'd get the gist of the whole memo.

 

 

Microsoft's Memo to its Indian Staff

 

This is a REAL MEMO from Microsoft HR Director in Redmond , WA to its staff of the Indian Origin. Every word here is kept intact without alteration.

 

 

MEMO TO INDIAN STAFF

 

In view of the large number of Indians working in the USA , UK and many other countries with White People, it has become important for Human Resources Department to issue directives to their Indian staff.

 

TO ALL HINDI-SPEAKING STAFF

 

It has been brought to our attention by several officials visiting our corporate headquarters that offensive language is commonly used by our Hindi-speaking staff. Such behavior, in addition to violating our policy, is highly unprofessional and offensive to both visitors and colleagues.

 

Staff will IMMEDIATELY adhere to the following rules:

 

1. Words like CHUTIYA, GANDU and other such expressions will not be used for emphasis, no matter how heated the discussion. You will not say CHUTIYE, AKKAL NAHI HAI KYA TEREKO when someone makes a mistake, or MADAR CHOD, BHENCHOD when a major mistake has been made. All forms derived from the verb CHOD are inappropriate in our environment.

 

2. No project manager, section head or administrator, under any circumstances, will be referred to as GADHA or CHUTIYA . Lack of determination will not be referred to as KAAMCHOR SAALA and neither will persons who lack initiative be referred to as BHOSADIKAA or MADARCHOD .

 

3. Unusual or creative ideas from your superiors are not to be referred to as GAND FAADU, if a person is persistent, or if a task is heavy to accomplish. In a similar way, do not use GAND FATI, if a colleague is going through a difficult situation.

 

4. Furthermore, you must not say BHOSADE MEIN GAYA when matters become complicated. When asking someone to leave you alone, you must not say DIMAG KI MAA BHEN MAT KAR. Do not ever substitute 'May I help you?' with BOL TERI GAND KAISE MARU.

 

5. When things get tough, an acceptable _expression such as 'We are going through a difficult time' should be used, rather than MAA CHUDI PADI HAI or GOTI MUH MEIN HAI.

 

6. No salary increase shall be ever referred to as KHAIRAAT BAATI JAA RAHI HAI KYA. Under no circumstances should you call our elderly corporate partners as BUDDHA KHOOSAT.

 

7. Last, but not least, after reading this memo, please do not say: YE KAGAJ GAND PONCHNE KE LAAYAK BHI NAHI HAI.

 

We hope you will keep these directions in mind.

 

Sincerely,

Steve Rider

Human Resources Director

Microsoft Corporation

 

On second thoughts, I'll do provide translations (not literal) of some of the minor ones - and in most cases I'll tone down the meaning a bit:

The verb CHOD - to screw, to put it mildly

AKKAL NAHI HAI KYA TEREKO - You don't have brains enough

GADHA - donkey / *bottom* - whichever you prefer

GAND FAADU - Kick *bottom*

KAAMCHOR SAALA - bloody idiot who's always absconding from work.

DIMAG KI MAA BHEN MAT KAR - dont chew on my brains

GOTI MUH MEIN HAI - my testicles have popped up to my mouth

BOL TERI GAND KAISE MARU - let me know how to screw your hindside

BUDDHA KHOOSAT - Old hag

YE KAGAJ GAND PONCHNE KE LAAYAK BHI NAHI HAI - this is the final one in the memo - this means, this memo paper isn't even worth wiping your *bottom* with or being used as a toilet tissue.

Have a good laugh

m^e

[ram130 0]

Thats was good ..microsoft sure is heated about little words like that, they should have got a letter from Jamaica, where our words from the translation are more blunt. I'm curious though, does microsoft really think indians are going to adhere to that?

[jipman 0]

LOL @ the idea, but I really have to trust on my imagination for this one... I don't know hindi

[dhanesh1405241511 0]

LMFAO, nice humor .. but seems like this memo was sent by an american co-worker .. wonder how he knew hindi lol .. well .. can i help by translating the rest ?? ... Wish this isnt the case with all work places in US .. Jab Kismat Hain Pandu toh Kya karega .. ***** .. :PRegardsDhanesh.

[abhiram 0]

Hey now ... this can't be right. I mean, m^e ... are you seriously saying this is a true letter? I mean, it looks kinda weird that they get offended with hindi abuses. I mean, we use hindi, telugu AND english abuses all the time here in chennai. Hehe, it's a good thing the locals don't understand anything other than tamil .

[Jeigh1405241495 0]

Hahaha that's awesome. Reminds me of a letter my group at work last summer got about how some of our workers apparel doesn't fit 'standards' but all their demands of of were completely rediculous as the 'violations' of their code of conduct were severely limited at best. It's funny when management thinks we care

[inconnu1405241515 0]

Good grief, this is funny.Heard of many Microsoft humours in the past, but this one is for sure the most difficult one (at least for me) to reproduce and tell it to another person live.

[iGuest 3]

Could this be true?I had to do work for a large company and heard of their new policy from one of the staff there, which said that the staff could get written up a report if they used foul language. I thought it was $%^&* ridiculous, jokes.I don't see the harm in it, other than some people do get offended by it, but what are they really offended by?Cheers,MC

[iGuest 3]

no comment lol

[miCRoSCoPiC^eaRthLinG 0]

Lol.. glad you guys liked it. Everytime I read it, I find it even more funnier.

[aciminsk 0]

Well, some input from Russian computer geeks' folklore (My loose translation), if you would not mind...1. User is a person who steps on the rake> 2. Dummy is a user who did not step on the rake as yet and so he is sure that there are no rakes at all.> 3. Luser is a user who regularly steps on the rake, but who is still sure that no rakes exist.> 4. Narrow specialist is a user who has mastered in stepping on the same rake.> 5. Programmer is a person for whom in the process of stepping on the rake the most important thing is the result. Getting tired of stepping on somebody's rake he invents his own rake.> 6. Advanced programmer is a programmer who steps on the same rake no more then twice.> 7. Copyright is a concept, which limits the number of available rakes by the financial abilities of the user.> 8. Gamer is a user for whom in stepping on the rake the most important is the process itself. As a rule the gamer cannot make the rake of his own.> 9. Cheater is special kind of gamers, who prefers rakes with soft pads and usually does not step on the same rake more then once.> 10. Hacker is a person who can step on the rake even if it's hidden in a shed and locked by a pad-lock.> 11. Hacker idealist is a noble fighter for the everyone's right to step on the unlimited number of rakes.> 12. Microsoft is a corporation, worldwide leader in manufacturing the rakes.> 13. Bill Gates is a mythical creature from programmers' folklore. Malicious spirit who is the patron of the rakes.> 14. Upgrade is a never-ending process of spending money on buying new rakes, each of which hurts more then previous.> 15. Beta version is a version where rake could be seen from the first glance.> 16. Release is a version where the rake is hidden under the leaves.> 17. Versions compatibility is a principle, which insures that the new version of rake hits the same spot as the previous one.> 18. Assembler is a programming language which enables stepping on the rake several millions times per second.> 19. Local Area Network is a technology, which enables an opportunity to get hit even if somebody else has stepped on the rake.> 20. Internet is a technology, which enables one to step on a rake even if the rake is located on the other side of the globe.> 21. Lamer is a user, who concideres himself a very advanced user. He thinks he knows all the rakes in the world and knows how to avoid them. Usually steps on the rake even where there is no rake at all.> 22. Multitasking is a concept which enables one to step on several rakes simalteniously.> 23 . SysAdmin (System Administrator) is a person who gets hit when any user steps on the rake

Edited February 21, 2006 by aciminsk (see edit history)

[miCRoSCoPiC^eaRthLinG 0]

Hahahah - good collection Aciminsk

[aciminsk 0]

Hahahah - good collection Aciminsk

 

Then a little bit more. Again my loose translation

System administrators' services price list

Asking a question - $10

Asking a stupid question - $20

Asking a stupid question which you could not express clearly - $30

Asking a question on the phone before reading Help - $10

Asking questions explained in User's manual - $100

Asking the same question again - $100

Request to come to your desk - $5/step

Being interrupted while working on other problem - $45/hour

If you insist on resolving your problem right now - $50/hour

If you expect that I'll explain how did I solve your problem - $60/hour

If you report a problem which I'm trying to resolve at the moment. - $70/hour

If you ask to fix a problem that was fixed yesterday. - $75/hour

Fixing you broken mouse by cleaning - $50

Fixing your broken printer by replacing the cartridge - $35

Fixing whatever is broken by using power switch to turn it on - $250

[twitch 0]

Lmfao. Just when I thought Microsoft couldn't get any worse.

[aciminsk 0]

A couple more jokes...Did you ever know, that one Therapist equals to 1024 Gigapists and to 1048576 MegapistsWhat is the difference between a user and a programmer?The user thinks, that there are 1000KB in 1MB.The programmer is sure that there are 1024 m in one Km

Edited February 22, 2006 by aciminsk (see edit history)