How To Make A Website (If youre trying to drive people away from your site)

[galexcd 0]

Alright so there are many topics out there of how to make a website that everyone will love and want to go to, but I can't seem to find any about how to make a website that people will hate and try to run away from, so here are some pointers for those who are trying to make the worst website:

 

Step one: COLORS

Be sure to use a vivid and bright background color, and a non-noticeable text color. Nothing wakes people wake up more than a florescent yellow background with white text. Make people work to try to read your website. After all, you have some great content ad you don't want to just give it away. People should have to strain to read what you have to say. Light purple text on hot pink background works good too.

 

Step two: Javascript is your friend

Some people like using javascript for awesome eye-candy effects and even ajax so their users won't have to reload the page, but this type of javascript is very difficult. Why slave over this when you can do simple things such as change the size of links when you hover over them. Alerts are great too. They are super easy and get the attention of your users.

 

Step three: ADs! ADs! ADs!

You worked hard on your website, why not profit from it. Google ads are OK, but people like more than text. They want images and flash. But even better than images is sound. Ads that talk to your visitors while they are surfing the web get their attention and distract them from what they are doing making your visitors more likely to click on them. Also be sure to put ads that make users feel special: Tell them they are the 1000th visitor to the website and they won an iPod or something. Nothing makes your visitors want to come back than false gratification.

 

Step four: MSIE ONLY!

MSIE may not be the best browser in the world, but more people use it than the decent browsers. You should format your website only for IE users. Even if your website looks the same in a decent browser make sure you use a javascript to stop the users trying to use firefox or opera. Tell them to use internet explorer instead, this way you don't have to bother with non-compatibility issues later.

 

Step five: LoP stands for Lots of Popups!

Nothing reminds people of your website more than having to close tons of popups, and pop-unders after they leave your site. Remember: Your goal is to keep your website in their minds. They'll never come back unless they remember your site!

 

Step six: Use java!

Java is great. It makes great navigational buttons. Not only does it limit your website only to those who have java installed, but it takes a while to load. Your visitors need some time to look at your website, while the navigation buttons load.

 

Step seven: Frames

Frames are great if you want to keep a certain layout while changing the content. Php can do this too, but your visitors don't need a php site when frames will work just fine. Huge borders around the frames work great too. People want to see where your frames start and where they end.

 

Step eight: Don't register top level domain names

Top level domain names cost money, plus they really don't do anything for you. Save the money and use a free sub domain or try to mask it with a .tk or .co.nr. Trust me people like the extra ads these solutions ad to your site.

 

Step nine: Music

Why bore your visitors with silence when you visit the website. Have some music playing. But you don't want your load time to be affected by this, so use MIDI songs, they are much smaller in size. Your visitors will no longer be bored!

 

AND FINALY

 

Step ten: Advertise your site

Alright so now you've got the worst website ever, so now how are you going to get users to come to your website? Be sure to spam random message boards with the links to your website. The admins will be honored that you chose their forums to advertise your website on. Go into IRC channels and post the link. Email all of your friends about your new website and perhaps start a chain letter (Add "Forward this to 10 people or a polar bear will come out of your nose and rape you" at the bottom of the message).

 

After doing these easy ten steps you can be the proud owner of a truly effective website.

[jlhaslip 4]

After doing these easy ten steps you can be the proud owner of a truly effective website.

... effectively scaring away {most} users and having them never return to your page...

Not exactly my idea of "a truly effective" website, but ... what ever turns your crank...

Alex has listed all of those things which Beginner Web Designers include in their pages because the features are soooooo cool, but which distract from the real purpose of the Web and that, of course, is to supply information to the web site visitors. Having the best information on your page is usually defeated by also having all the wild colours, flashing, moving gizmos and poor colour contrast to boot.

And another thing to do is NEVER optimize your Images for the Web. When you include an Image, make sure to use the largest version you can make, and a format which no-one has. That way, only the geekoids with the 4500 x 2400 displays and a library of image handling software can read. Those guys also have super fast Internet connections, too, so serving them a 30 meg image is no big deal. Of course, many users use a 800 x 600 display on dial-up, but if you serve a really huge Image, this might force them to upgrade their connection to DSL or something...

[DeM0nFiRe 0]

Ahh, there's so much you missed!You can't forget special effects that follow your mouse! Giant letters are always a plus. Ooh, go with the Webdings font while you're at it! Also, if someone ever tells you they cannot see your site properly IGNORE THEM! They are clearly lying since you can see the site just fine. Make sure you never attempt backwards compatibility for older browsers. A very intricate system of links so long that you forget what you're looking for is always a very important feature.I think more people need to read this thread

[sonesay 7]

Ahh, there's so much you missed!
You can't forget special effects that follow your mouse! Giant letters are always a plus. Ooh, go with the Webdings font while you're at it! Also, if someone ever tells you they cannot see your site properly IGNORE THEM! They are clearly lying since you can see the site just fine. Make sure you never attempt backwards compatibility for older browsers. A very intricate system of links so long that you forget what you're looking for is always a very important feature.

I think more people need to read this thread

lol yeah theres so much more, too many to list actually. this could be merged with that thread "worlds ugliest website" or what ever it was called. the most annoying features I can remember off it was

rainbow backgrounds
everything shaking/moving on hover
very bad contrast of font and background color
other animating backgrounds lol

oh yeah webdings gotta have those.
Edited February 8, 2008 by sonesay (see edit history)

[hippiman 0]

I just want to know who came up with doing all of those things in the first place. Did people really want to keep people away for some reason, or were they just retarded?There's only one thing I kind of disagree with. I don't think .co.nr adds ads, does it? I never saw .tk before, but I went and looked at it just now, and it looks like it sucks. They force ads on your site and force you to link to all the other .tk sites..co.nr says you're supposed to put a link to their main site, but I don't think you really do. One of my friends has had one for like a year without the link, and they still haven't done anything about it. I put it on there just in case, but it's not even really noticeable.

[Forbez 0]

You've missed alot of the basics. Still a good tutorial though. Well written.

[threepach 0]

I wouldn't say that ever, you murdered the website idea, can you imagine all websites turn to adds and pop ups? what do you feel when you step into a website which is just ads and useless unrelated links.that's commercializing websites not designing them. as a designer go in the shoe of the person who visits your website.

[bishoujo 0]

Haha true, when your website annoys people so much, they will remember it vividly and tell their friends 'hey don't go to so-and-so website'. and people, being curious, will check out your website, and they too remember it for being so awful and tell their friends too, and that's how the awful website will attract a lot of traffic.

[thorne 0]

Good points! I'd like to add a few more...Conventions and StandardsWhy make your site boring and like all the other sites? Instead of following typical standards, like making your logo clickable to the home page, break the rules and do something different. Visitors will love the puzzle of trying to figure out how to use your siteContentIf you decide to actually have decent content (not recommended), be sure to take the most important stuff and bury it. The user should need to follow at least six different links, preferably with no logical connection, to find this info. Otherwise it's just not fun.GraphicsANIMATION! Don't use anything that's still...you want flashes, glitter, snaz...you want to catch people's attention. This can most effectively be done with animated gifs, and even video files. And if you're playing any media, be sure not to make it ugly with stop/pause buttons...your visitors just want it to play automatically, looping forever. And don't skimp on quality with your images...the bigger the file, the better.NavigationIf everything is easy to find, your site will be boring. You don't want that. Don't settle for the navigation bar on the left...instead, put it in the bottom corner, hidden in a bunch of images, etc. And don't underline links...that makes them ridiculously ugly. It's better that they blend in with the text where no one knows they're there.Ultimately, remember that the purpose of a website is not to make people's lives easy and present what they need to know, when they need to know it. It is to provide them with a unique experience, and this can only be achieved by making them work hard to use your site. Don't promote laziness among your visitors...make sure they are actively involved every step of the way.

[albumfreak 0]

Very interesting read I am currently working on a website but it isn't anywhere near ready to put on the net yet. I'm sure this will come in handy when i'm designing certain aspects of it so that it can become more successful and popular thanks for this everyone, its a great help.

[crepusculart 0]

You know sites like that exist ?! I've seen some but exactly as you said, I didn't get back there...

[saran 0]

Step eight: Don't register top level domain names

Top level domain names cost money, plus they really don't do anything for you. Save the money and use a free sub domain or try to mask it with a .tk or .co.nr. Trust me people like the extra ads these solutions ad to your site.

 

Step nine: Music

Why bore your visitors with silence when you visit the website. Have some music playing. But you don't want your load time to be affected by this, so use MIDI songs, they are much smaller in size. Your visitors will no longer be bored!

 

AND FINALY

 

Step ten: Advertise your site

Alright so now you've got the worst website ever, so now how are you going to get users to come to your website? Be sure to spam random message boards with the links to your website. The admins will be honored that you chose their forums to advertise your website on. Go into IRC channels and post the link. Email all of your friends about your new website and perhaps start a chain letter (Add "Forward this to 10 people or a polar bear will come out of your nose and rape you" at the bottom of the message).

 

After doing these easy ten steps you can be the proud owner of a truly effective website.

[tracdoor 0]

I've never laughed so much in my life, i acctually thought you were being serious for the first two steps!To think that some idiots are acctually going to follow this guide, the MSIE, Ads and Java make me laugh so hard!This is great!

[etycto 0]

wow the first time i read this i was like what is this idiot talking about because these are the things that i alwyas found anoying on websites then i realised that this was not how to make the best site but how to make the worst wow man am i an idiot. but i agree. since i learned HTML&CSS those where those stuff that i was thought to hate (except javascript but i like the PHP better but that's a different story).

[lailai 0]

LOL this is very fun! and albumfreak, i know u don't mean that.