Is She Being Real Or Is She Playing Games?

[kira423 1]

Wow!! That's a lot of drama, and a lot of confusion, but to be perfectly honest, as a woman, I could only presume that she is waiting for you to ask her out, that's just what it seems like to me, but it is only an opinion, but it does seem kind of strange, because I have several close friends, and they don't do all that for me, and I for them...

[slim89 0]

***Heads Up: This might be long***I met this girl at my old work place about a year and half ago, at which time I was still with my ex gf, whom I recent broke up with about 3 and a half months back. At first I didn't announce the break up or tell anyone about it until about a month or so after it happened, and this girl started calling and txting me on a regular basis conveniently around the same time I started telling people I broke up with my ex. I really didn't think much of it cuz she's always been kind of flirty and somewhat of a social butterfly. About a month ago, she called me up for lunch and ever since she's been calling, txting and hanging out with me every single day since. Now, as you may already have guessed, I ended up growing feelings for her, but I'm kind of confused. Eveytime she calls or txts it's for some random reason such as asking me if I know someone, or if I know where to find something (ex. "do you know where I can get a good bday cake for my baby cousin?" or "Do you know a good detailing shop for my car?") She starts the conversation off with this and then carries on afterwards askin me what I'm doing that day or what I did last night, etc. She would behave strangely too... She knows I drive and for some reason if I tell her I need to go somewhere to run errands she drives down to my house which takes about 15-20 minutes driving, to pick me up and take me around. Also, while running errands she does things that are not necessary (ex. Drives me to the bank, I tell her it'll only take 5 minutes to deposit cash and come out but she insists on coming into the bank with me. After depositing and coming out she asks me what the teller said about her, knowing that the teller has known me for a very long time.) She would always randomly bring up how people confuse us as being a couple, come over to my house and clean the dishes or help me clean the house, bring me breakfast, get mad at me if I procrastinate, bring me food or medicine when I'm sick, drive me around places, suggest going on trips together, etc. Despite all of this however, she always emphasizes that we're JUST FRIENDS or that I'm LIKE A BROTHER to her. She repeats it on a constant basis it's actually starting to get irritating cuz she does it so much. It almost seems like she's trying to convince herself =T. She also claims that she doesn't want a relationship and always complains about being lonely and wanting to be in a relationship and wanting to find a good guy?... (strange considering the fact that she claims she doesn't want one... she's contradicting herself.) She also mentions about her first bf whom she apparently still had feelings for but recently decided to just stay friends. Recently we also got into a huge argument over something so stupid... We were txting each other after hanging out that morning and she didn't seem too happy about something during the day... so I txted her "don't frown, you look a lot better when you smile " and she kinda blew up on me like "ew can you not? it makes me uncomfortable" and it pissed me off but I didn't say anything. In the morning she txted me appologizing for being a b*tch and I ignored it cuz I was still a bit ticked off. Then I txted her cousin later that afternoon because I was inviting him to watch a performance at the mall that day and apparently she was beside him and got pissed that I txted him and didn't txt her. Her cousin at that point told me that she wanted to come see me to appologize. We later found out that she didn't come in the end and called one of her old guys she was seeing and asked him to take her out that day, which she later rubbed in my face about lol. Anyways, we straight up b*tched at each other for the first time ever about who made who mad and why we got pissed, etc. and in the end we ended up talking it out sort of. She later told me that it was stupid that we argued like that considering the fact we weren't even dating =T. But why she even bother getting mad or arguing with me if she didn't give a rats @$$?There's so much more involved in this story but I know it'll carry on way too long for everyone. I think this has carried on long enough already but it's been bothering me so much I really wanted to let it out and hopefully get some advice. Even though she claims that she doesn't see me as a boyfriend or anything more than just a close friend, the way she acts just doesn't seem to make sense to me. Going out of her way to do all these things for me, making up random excuses to meet up or talk, just doesn't seem like something a close friend would do with each other. If we knew each other for our entire lives maybe that's understandable but she's only known me for a bit over a year so why?....Some of my friends tell me it seems like she does have feelings but she's confused. Other friends think she's just extra nice and her personality is just like that. I personally thought that it might be because her recent ex treated her like crap that she's being careful and defensive. I really don't know...

[kleong 0]

Sound like she is confused. Get her out and have a proper heart to heart chat. Rather deal with it once and for a while than to let it drag on.

[web_designer 7]

well, long long story, but i like it. anyway, i really think in two options which are same as your friends said:- first she likes you, but she is confused and don't know how to deal with it maybe she don't want to loose your friendship in case you don't feel the same and she is trying to push you to ask her out first. or at least she likes you but she is so a wariness to be in a relationship again or she is trying to think deeply before she take this step. - the second option is that she only see you as a close friend or as a brother but she is that kind of people who is over reacting, even pick you up and washing your dishes is kind of things who a girlfriend do not your friend but who knows, maybe this way she thinks that you are close enough to do these things for you and to give you the feeling that you are close friends even after these few months. some times when women feels lonely and need a friend they acting in a way that men see it strange to them.now, the important part here is how can you know if she likes you or not? you can know that by taking a simple steps foreword and see her reaction from that you can know how she looks at you as a friend or more. for example try to call her back from time to time but you should have a good reason and see if she will be happy and continue talking for hours that means she waited you to do the same as she always did, taking chances to talk to you. or try to buy her something simple and cute and see her reaction or either give her flowers but not red flowers, white or pink will be good but also there should be a reason for that like after one of your fights. after all relationships are a complicated thing, but i always think you should follow what you feel not what you see. sometimes people act in a confusing way because they themselves don't know what to do? therefore, it is only you who can tell what she really thinks of you.

[anwiii 17]

ok. long story. what's funny though is that you mentioned there was a lot more to this story. you been seeing this girl not that long and you can now write a book on how strange she acts?let me tell you something. she is not confused. she knows exactly what she is doing. she was flirting with you before you even broke up with your girlfriend and starting stalking you ever since you broke up with your ex. that should tell you something right there. not only does she know exactly what she's doing, but she is VERY insecure and VERY controlling. you did absolutely NOTHING wrong by ignoring her and texting someone else but she wants to make you feel guilty and like you did something wrong? no no no. don't fall for her games. i call what she does games when in reality, there is something disturbingly wrong with her. and she intentionally tried to hurt you and make you jealous. oh. this girl knows EXACTLY how to push buttons and control a situation so you pretty much have two choices.if there is something in her that you see and that you love about her, then i would try to figure out why she is the way she is and try to understand her better. let's face it. right now she is just telling you things you may want to hear but what do you really know about this girl? her past? her own hurts? her history of past relationships?otherwise, i would dump her in a heartbeat! but you said you work with her? that could create a problem!she definitely wants a relationship with you and aside from forcing herself in to your life, she is also testing the waters. the reason why she asked about the teller and explaining that people mistake you two for a couple is to see your reaction to get some conformation that being a couple would be a good thing for you. she is not being completely honest with you bud and relationships will ultimately FAIL when there can't even be honesty in a relationship.i can tell you right now that you will get hurt in this relationship more than the average relationship. question now is. will it be worth it. does she offer you something that makes the struggle worth the time and effort and the hurt? do you love her? are you strong enough to be in this type of relationship? now i know you have feelings for her. i'm not saying this girl is no good. all i am saying is she has problems that you and others may not understand fully. what i would do if i was in your shoes would be to dig deeper. maybe sit her down and have a talk and ask her questions why she does certain things that you don't understand. ask her if if she wants more from this relationship and ask her to be honest with you. people think you two are already a couple because she is ACTING like it and portraying that to people. so if you have feelings for her, it may be time to try to get some honest answers out of her whether or not you've decided to be with her or not yet. i do have to mention to you that even being just friends with this girl is a risk because if she doesn't get what she wants, she can make your life hell. she knows everyone you know by now since she always wants to be with you. she knows where you bank. she knows other things about what was once your personal life. when i mentioned she knows EXACTLY what she is doing, it's true and don't be fooled. she is a VERY VERY smart person. so if you do decide not to have anything to do with her one day, just be carefull because it seems to me that she doesn't need a relationship right now. she needs a psychiatrist.being with a woman like this can be VERY draining. it's only been 3 months and you are already confused about her. that says a lot. what happens after a year? maybe instead of a book, you'll be able to write a novel. someone mentioned that she sounds like a lot of drama. that's an obvious answer but there is more to her than that. she's a human being just like the rest of us. we all have problems but it looks like she tries to hide hers and she's pretty good at hiding her problems so it really is up to you to know exactly what you are getting in to before this relationship continues in to something more.

[web_designer 7]

typical reply from you anwiii, but have a lot of facts. i took what you said as a love drama for two people like each other and don't know what to do since you said you liked her either. and anwiii give the reality of life these days, girls stalking and acting freak. so you are the one who can tell if she courted you in a normal way or she is acting psycho. however, you should tell us how you treat her, deal with her, are you interfering of her life in a way or another or just do nothing at all and she do all these things for you. now if you get more confused than before maybe you should take the short way as anwiii said before and ask her why she is doing all these things for you, but from this moment there is no way back, she may ask you why you are accepting all these things. from this step you will end up any kind of friendship between you and maybe if things not getting well between you, you will get a lot of problems since you work together. so watch your steps and think carefully and always remember love and friendship never can't be together.

[kira423 1]

@anwiii Know that I have re-read his post, I think you may be right, that could be what she is trying to do, but I would actually have to be in a situation similar to that to know for sure, but it seems very logical!!

[anwiii 17]

typical reply from you anwiii

typical? there is nothing typical about my response except for the fact that i know people. it wasn't typical because this guys situation is unique to many other peoples situations. i am not going to assume about anything he didn't write in his post. i didn't mention any facts about his this girl. HE did and it's very very clear to me that his situation will get worse if he doesn't confront her and try to understand her better to be able to make a more logical decision to stay or go.

people say follow your heart. love is an emotion. it has no brains. if people just always followed their heart, then it would lead to more pain and heartach because it takes TWO for a relationship to work. not just one. so in actuality, it takes TWO people to follow their heart and if their heart are in the right place and meant for eachother, then it's meant to be. but there are much more factors in a relationship than just liking or loving someone if someones wants and needs aren't being fullfilled.

this chick was flirting with him even when he had a girlfriend. i am really curious why the breakup with his ex now. but my point is, you don't make advances or flirt with someone who is already taken. it could be in someone's nature to do this, but from an ethical standpoint, it's just wrong. that was his FIRST CLUE to who she is. now i may be a bit old school but old school is what WORKS. here in the united states, our divorce rate is 50% because people are immature, screwed up, doesn't know what they want, unfullfilled in life, insecure, loney, or for whatever reason. those aren't good enough reasons to be with someone nor are they good enough to get married.

this guy has only been seeing this girl continuously for 3 months and he's already showing doubts about this girl. wanna know why? because they are incompatible right now. i am not saying they are ultimately incompatible, but for right now they are. the only solution is for him to talk to her and dig deeper on the things she likes to hide about herself or why she needs to follow him around everywhere or why he can't just run in to the bank for 2 minutes without her following him in.

if you pay attention to people WD, you will notice patterns. and in this guys post, he is describing unhealthy patterns in someone. the patterns didn't just magically appear, she's a subject of her past and he needs to know why she's like that. like i said. i am not saying she's a bad person. far from it. what i am saying is she needs help with the issues she hides and doesn't want people to know the REAL her because of her own insecurities and only he will be able to decide if he wants to open a bag of worms and strong enough to be around this woman. and yes, i stand by my opinion that she needs a psychitrist for meds or a good therapist to talk about her compulsive behavior and other issues she has.

as far as love and friendship that can't coexist, you are VERY wrong, WD. you can't have love without a strong friendship connection. why do you think people in a relationship say that their significant other is their best friend? it's because that person most likely know more about the other than most people including their own family. i have known many people in relationships that failed but were still friends. it's called a mutual understanding that they weren't compatible with anything more than just being friends. when one person feels different than the other in a relationship, it is destruction in the making and people shouldn't fool themselves by staying in a commited relationship. it's just a disaster waiting to happen.

this girl that is being posted about is moving VERY fast and in a VERY controlling mannor and from his words i can see that it's too much for him. so really, if this is the case, he needs to set boundaries. if she considers him like a brother, she doesn't need to be tagging along everywhere he goes like a puppy now does she.

read between the lines, WD.....you might learn something....

[web_designer 7]

@anwiii
when i said typical i meant that your reply stands of the reality of many people these days, i ignored that part in purpose because i always put the good intentions first until that person prove the opposite, i always believe that there is good in everyone, even in evil persons if we treated them nicely, then we will force them to treat us the same. of course there are people in the world don't do that and treat everyone badly but i am sure they have a reason to do that. so don't take it in a bad way anwiii, i only love to think that every two lovers will end up together.

even in this case, i agree she acting weird but what about him why he lets her do all these things for three months without complaining or asking for her reasons, what about his acceptance about her interfering in his life and knowing everything about him, encourage her. of course she didn't start washing his dishes from the first day but things started with calls and end up like this. if he didn't like her actions he should stop her from the beginning, but he didn't, because he likes her. so maybe she waited for a response from him, but he didn't do anything just accepting whatever she do. or the worse she would be as anwiii said a stalker girl who wants to get you in her life, so what did you do? nothing but open your door wide.

people say follow your heart. love is an emotion. it has no brains. if people just always followed their heart, then it would lead to more pain and heartach because it takes TWO for a relationship to work. not just one. so in actuality, it takes TWO people to follow their heart and if their heart are in the right place and meant for eachother, then it's meant to be. but there are much more factors in a relationship than just liking or loving someone if someones wants and needs aren't being fullfilled.

in this point i agree with anwiii, you can't build a strong relationship without judging your heart and your mind together. you can't be with someone just because you like him, sooner or later everything will turn against you. so when i told you to follow what you feel, i meant to judge her reactions and use your sense, if you are honest with yourself you can determine what exactly she wants from you. same like when you talk to someone acting nicely to you but you always have a feeling that there is something wrong.

if you pay attention to people WD, you will notice patterns.

and by the way, anwiii i always pay A LOT of attention to everyone in my life even to people who pass me by. i always try to understand them, study their reactions, how they think and why. even if they aren't my friend or related to me but i will be more comfortable if i could understand them more.

as far as love and friendship that can't coexist, you are VERY wrong, WD. you can't have love without a strong friendship connection. why do you think people in a relationship say that their significant other is their best friend? it's because that person most likely know more about the other than most people including their own family. i have known many people in relationships that failed but were still friends. it's called a mutual understanding that they weren't compatible with anything more than just being friends. when one person feels different than the other in a relationship, it is destruction in the making and people shouldn't fool themselves by staying in a commited relationship. it's just a disaster waiting to happen.

i agree and disagree with you here, i think people can build love based on friendship but they can't build friendship based on love, at least that what i experienced in my life till now. if two person are friends and their relationship is grown to love they will be best friends and best couple because they share many strong feelings. but if just one of them has a feeling towards the other then their friendship will end. maybe they can get it back but absolutely after they take their time, stay far away enough to get rid of these feelings. if these friends became lovers and things didn't work for them and break up then this is even worse. in slim situation, if he likes her and she is not then that's a problem, if she likes him and he is not then that's a problem and all lead to end up their friendship at least for a while till things getting easier.
in fact, this is one of the biggest problem can be happened between two friends, if one of them have feelings towards the other and the other don't. their friendship will end no matter what. because the first one can't deal with his disappointing and the other one can't find a way to help him since he/she the cause of the problem so the best solution is to stay away from each other, till the first one can heal his/her wounds and get rid of these feelings and even if they return to be friends, they will never be like they were before. therefore, i told you to think carefully slim if you like your friendship and you don't want to loose her as a friend, you should think carefully before taking actions, because there's no way back and if she likes you she won't accept NO as a reply.

[slim89 0]

Oh wow... had no idea this would bring about so much interest... I thought it would be best to stay brief about this but I guess I do need to get into a bit more detail for proper analysis lol =TLet me start with my ex... We were together for 4 years and I was her first bf... right off the bat after finding out about being her first bf, I knew it wasn't going to end well and I knew this from past experience, and as I predicted we ended up breaking up cuz she had cold feet and I was growing tired of doing things that I considered special for her and she had no clue that people don't normally do these things for their girls... So the break up was actually quite hard for me cuz I'm still young and I spent a huge chunk of my life with her...But when this new girl called me and started hanging out with me, I had a feeling that she was just jumping on the opportunity that I was available now, so I should have stopped it from the beginning, but I didn't. The reason I didn't was because out of everything I did to try and keep my mind off my break up, it was spending time with her that actually kept my break up completely out of my head. It was like a drug that helped me get away from pain =T (as corny as it sounds it's true.) At first we kept hanging out and I thought that it was just temporary and she was just being friendly, but as it kept continuing I noticed that some of the things she did just didn't make sense. As I mentioned before, I ended up developing feelings for her.Now, as for asking her out or asking her how she feels... before she started calling me and asking me to hang out for the last 3 months, we hung out once RIGHT after my break up, and we had dinner and sat in the car and talked for a long period of time about relationships. She kept giving weird signals so I just asked her what she thought of a relationship between me and her. She said "hmm... I don't know..." *long pause* "but I don't wanna lose you as a friend..." and then we changed the subject and continued talking and said good bye and went home. I guess I was kind of scared of rejection at the time so I didn't "dig deeper" as you said.After hanging out with her, we were talking on the phone late at night one time (this was when I started getting confused) and I asked her "what am I to you?" and she said to me "you a close friend" and I asked her "so nothing more nothing less?" and she said "no, if I like you I'll let you know." That was one of our conversations.In terms of everyday talk, she always says that she's lonely and wants a good boyfriend and stuff and I always ask her why she doesn't date one of the guys she knows (she claims that there a few guy friends of hers that likes her) and her reply is always "I don't date friends." Which confuses me even further because how can you date someone before you become friends?... That's setting yourself up for failure. Most of the time when I hang out with her, I never feel as though she's actually being real with me... but there were two occasions when I felt for the first time she was actually being serious. She was having family related problems and her mother and father were leaving the country temporarily during her birthday. She asked me to go eat dinner with her so we went to eat and she suddenly cried in the middle of our meal after she talked about how this would be the first time that her family won't be around for her birthday. She ran off to the washroom and I was sitting there at the table shocked at what had just happened and everyone around me was staring at me like, "wth did he do to make her cry" lol. Anyways, she came back and I tried to keep her mind off of it, and we went for dessert afterwards where she made me promise her that I'd spend her birthday with her and I promised. The day went pretty well and we had a good time and later that night she texted me "thanks, I really needed that "After that she stopped calling me her "brother" and started talking to me differently, until I mention anything about any other girl, where she pulls out the "you're like a brother to me" crap...Another time, we spent the whole day running errands and she said she'd keep me company for the day. We had a few hours to kill in between so we went to the park, got coffee and sat on the bench to see the view and talk. At this spot, she was talking to me about how her ex apparently beat her and she'd been really hurt in that relationship and she started comparing him to her first bf who apparently treated her much better. Then she all of a sudden brings up that she's "happy that they both decided to stay friends." Then we continued talking had a good day and went home.As for recent updates, few days ago she made plans with me and then just yesterday cancelled all three plans. She asked me to go shopping with her for her cousin's bday present and then suddenly told me that she was with her two cousins and didn't need me to come down anymore. She also made plans with me to go down to the states to shop a while back and suddenly told me she might just go down by plane and shop for the day and come back. She also asked me to come to her aunt's house to help her baby sit the kids, and when I asked her why she was inviting me for that she said "because I'm gonna be bored if I'm there by myself watching them. We can order pizza, rent movies, etc." Just yesterday she txted me telling me that she made a mistake about the date and that I don't have to come anymore and that she can just watch them. Her excuse for cancelling was "I thought we were going out to the club that night but since it's a different day you don't have to come anymore." (We are supposed to go to this club event on Thursday which was the same day she originally asked me to baby sit with her, in case you're confused.) This was strange to me because her original excuse for inviting me was "because she'd be bored" and now her excuse changes to "thought we were goin out after" =SShe's been acting really weird these days. She really nice and happy and then suddenly she cancels everything and when I say I'm busy and have to get off the phone she just abruptly says "ok bye" and hangs up like she's mad.Once again this dragged on way too long but I thought it'd help you guys get a better understanding of what's goin on...

[slim89 0]

Like I'm just wondering what I should do...This was my original plan but if you have any better suggestions please let me know...It's been quite irritating trying to figure out what she wants, so I do want to move on, but everytime I try to get distant she acts all nice and close, and it ends up dragging on and on...So since I promised to spend her birthday with her I decided to make it my D-Day. The plan is to put up with all of this until March 14th (The day we're spending together for her bday,) and then take her out during the day on a casual date, then take her out for dinner where our friends will be there to surprise her (she's never had a surprise bday based on one of her old convos) and have a fun dinner. Take her out somewhere nice for dessert afterwards and give her her bday gift and a card and tell her to read the card when she gets home. Then drop her off. I was gonna write in the card how I actually felt about her and if she doesn't feel the same way, ask her to give me some space. =T I know it's corny and doesn't seem like much of a plan =T but that's all I've got at this point. I could go further, but I don't want to do that when I'm not even sure how she actually feels.

[anwiii 17]

yea, i noticed you jumped in that relationship pretty quick, but you actually had a lot of help with this new girl that's been hanging all over you. everyone deals with breakups differently, but you can't just be seeing people just because your lonely or depressed or feeling bad. it's no fair to the other person, it's no fair to you, and your ex is thinking how you moved on so quick and is now doubly hurt.aside from that, it's good to see that you can treat this girl special and try to give her something she has never received before in the past.i stand by what i said before about her. it really is up to you and how strong you can be in a relationship if you really do know this girl, understand her, and have feelings for her because she will be tough on this relationship but if you really get to know her and she stops hiding herself, maybe she has something wonderfull to offer where it's worth the struggle in the beginning.playing games is the surfacy part of what you see. it goes deeper than that. there is more to this girl than what she want people to believe is the obvious. if she had a bad relationship in the past, then that might explain a little bit about why she is hesitant to get close. but seriously. you need to sit down with her privately and talk about things. you need answers. if she is not willing to talk or be honest with you, there is NO RELATIONSHIP there. don't change subjects if she doesn't want to talk about things. if she is ready for a serious relationship with you, then she will be willing to talk to you about anything. that is a fact. but it seems to me she isn't ready so maybe staying friends is the best thing you can do for her right now where if she DOES have boy/men issues, she will need time to get over them to enter in to a healthy relationship.you aren't just in this for yourself. your in this for her too so what's best for you might not be best for her and you need to think about what is best for both of you.

[web_designer 7]

so slim finally you are here, i started if we still giving opinions here without hear yours. any way thanks for the more detailed information. as it seems she helped you with your break up, she getting hurt before and she kind of deciding not being in a relationship again. but maybe because you've been so close together for the last three months makes her thinking or relationships again. so both of you need to work more if things getting well for you. about your plan, i like it, it is good and give the other side enough time to think carefully. but you will miss her first reaction which you will tell you more than she will tell. not have a suggestion for now, if something pass in my mind i will let you know. good luck.

[roger112 0]

Your plan is great man!Everything is well thought out and if you do it like that, it will prove to you that when you guys talk,you really pay attention.Once tip though, don't bring up any controversial issues like where your relationship is headed okay. This is one of the biggest days every year on her calendar and if she doesn't feel like you guys can be an item...you'll spoil everything.Its nice to leave a very nice message in her card and tell her to check it out later. Go home and WAIT for her call okay. When she calls, you can then discuss about you guys...but more than anything....try to make her come to the decision or realisation that you're in love okay!All the best, good luck!!

[web_designer 7]

hay slim don't forget to tell us what will happen next, you make curious. i hope you good luck and things getting well for both of you.