Help.. I Don't Know If I Should Tell Him I Love Him! .

[Duckie_22 0]

Hi everyone,

ok here goes... Im in love with my best guy friend. But i am soo scared of telling him. We met when we were in our freshmen year of high school and we messed around for a year (so until the summer before our sophmore year) ... his 'girl friends' found out that we were falling for each other and out tried to put a stop to it.. They did everthing in their power to break us up. He finally gave in to them and we stopped talking. I got mad becaue he listened to them, and we had a huge fight, i slapped him, and we stopped talking for about 2 1/2 years. We started talking again right before i went to college. We were awkward at first then we fell back into our usually pattern of us being best friends. and talking everyday. then in nov of that year he moved into a studio apt below our house.. he lived there for about 2 months. We were together every single day and never got sick of each other.We slept in the same bed together and sometimes cuddled. We got really reallly close. but we never discussed our feelings.. He was kinda still dealing with an ex of his. He got jeolous anytime a guy called me.. or he if he knew i was talking to a guy. Evryone was always tellling us how cute we looked together. He then moved out and went away to the army. During that time he called me and noone else except his mom. I didnt know how to feel about that.. In that time period I met someone.. and me and that boy started going out. My best friend never really approved of him and kinda faded away.. he didnt really talk to me. Me and the guy had a really really really bad break up and my best friend was there for me. THen my best friend started talking to a girl I had just gotten rele close to. And that hurt me... Because they met because of me while they were supposedly cheering me up about the breakup. I feel like a real b***h saying this, but I put a stop to their relationship. after I found out that theyre where dating. After all that happened I stopped talking to the girl and so did my best friend. Me and him were in an awkward phase. NOW for the past couple of months we have been talking alot and we have been good. But all of a sudden he has become very sexual. Asking me very sexual questions.. But about me and what I like. I dont know how to view this ...

I want to tell him I really like him and want to be with him, But I dont know how he actually feels... Or if its worth risking our friendship which has been through alot...

 

I AM SORRY that its a little lengthy.. and I think some parts might be confusing.. if so just let me know and ill explain better.

 

BUT PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I NEED ADVICE!!!! THANK YOU!!!!!!

[knoppixusr 0]

Hi there, You should make sure that you are both sexually compatible, meaning you might not be into threesomes or w/e while he is. If he is asking you very sexual questions then that is a sure sign that he is very interested in you at least sexually. The fact that he called you while he was away in the army surely means he missed you at the time and probably cares about you. If there is one thing life has taught me , it is that life is too short to be afraid of getting hurt. I think you should seriously tell him what you want in plain English while looking him in the eyes. Wish you all the best ;-)

[anwiii 17]

sorry girlie....but you are FAR from being best friends. you use the term very loosely. you are selfish and friends don't influence other friends selfishly.with that said, there are no guarantees in life. i even question how you can love this guy and do what you do. if i was talking to him right now, i would tell him to steer clear. that's my advice to HIM.as far as you...take a chance....see where it leads. maybe he wants to go to the next level. i hope not. i would dump you in a heartbeat!

[Duckie_22 0]

Hi there, You should make sure that you are both sexually compatible, meaning you might not be into threesomes or w/e while he is. If he is asking you very sexual questions then that is a sure sign that he is very interested in you at least sexually. The fact that he called you while he was away in the army surely means he missed you at the time and probably cares about you. If there is one thing life has taught me , it is that life is too short to be afraid of getting hurt. I think you should seriously tell him what you want in plain English while looking him in the eyes. Wish you all the best ;-)

we are sexually compatible apparently..... Thank you... im really am trying to build up the courage of telling him.. its hard. I cant hide wat i feel for him much longer... its been too many years =)
Edited January 3, 2010 by Duckie_22 (see edit history)

[Duckie_22 0]

sorry girlie....but you are FAR from being best friends. you use the term very loosely. you are selfish and friends don't influence other friends selfishly.
with that said, there are no guarantees in life. i even question how you can love this guy and do what you do. if i was talking to him right now, i would tell him to steer clear. that's my advice to HIM.

as far as you...take a chance....see where it leads. maybe he wants to go to the next level. i hope not. i would dump you in a heartbeat!

I really didnt influence him. i jut told him the truth about her that she wouldnt tell him... like she was a smut. i also told him that I didnt want them together... They hid their relationship from me because that gir didnt want me to know. She also knew how strongly i felt for him.

[rob86 2]

I don't think he's 'the' guy for you. He's using you, you're his backup. People like to have a fall-back person in their life, it gives them confidence to explore other people. He can date other women with confidence, knowing that if someone dumps him, or hurts him, he will find comfort in you. His sexual advances towards you will make him feel like this attractive man again, boosting his ego to meet new women. If he's feeling lonely, he can go to you. As long as you're friends, there's no official commitment, and that's the way he likes it. He doesn't have to worry about breaking up, because you're not together. He can get all the benefits of a girlfriend without the drawbacks. You let him get away with that. The fact is he doesn't appreciate you. If some new girl came into the picture, he'd be all over her. He knows he 'won' you, it's Mission Accomplished. Boring. You'll always be secondary to him, because that's what you let the relationship become. You've shown him that no matter how lonely his life gets, he can always turn to you. Guys are very possessive creatures and he wants to control you, to make you 'his', to prove to himself that he's a real man, and he knows he is succeeding. Jealousy doesn't necessarily mean he cares about you, it often means he thinks he owns you, and wants you around when it's convenient for him, if you're taken by another guy, you aren't there for him. remember, you're _his_ back-up.If he was as madly in love with you as you want him to be, you'd have been together by now. You've known him a long time and it hasn't turned out to be anything very special yet. A phone call in the army nothing, he was lonely and had nobody else to call. You should want him to think of you all the time, during the best of times, during the worst of times. You didn't mention one thing that makes me think that you have something special with him. Sleeping together doesn't mean anything, most guys will sleep with anything if they're allowed to. You just happen to let him. Talking dirty doesn't mean anything. Don't convince yourself with blind optimism that things like this mean he likes you, because it doesn't. Even if he said today that he loved you sincerely, I'd be very skeptical. He'd probably only be lying to himself. Sure wouldn't be the first time someone thought they loved someone to find out they didn't.If he loved you, he'd be wanting to do everything for you to make you happy. He'd want to make you feel special. I don't mean complimenting you a few times to lead you on so you talk sexually with him. It should be more than that. I believe people in general are very selfish, and the motivation of his actions seems to be only to please himself. When you find the right guy, you'll find his motivation is to make you happy. He'll want to work hard to be a good man for you. If you play a little harder to get, he might be jealous and want you more, and you might become a couple, but I think real love should be a little more magical, your relationship with him isn't. At least, I wouldn't be satisfied with it. He's not exactly going out of his way to be the perfect guy for you. I think you can do better.As for the original question, should you tell him you love him or not. I don't think it works that way, I mean love is two-way street. When it's love, you should know the answer to your question already. You'd be able to feel that he loves you and there'd be no doubt about it. You shouldn't be trying to find reasons to convince yourself. Love is such a nice thing, we often convince ourselves that something is love when it isn't. That's why there are so many people breaking up and getting divorce.

Edited January 3, 2010 by rob86 (see edit history)

[anwiii 17]

i don't think you are looking at all the little details that were given in their relationship. they were seeing eachother at first, and then he broke up with her. he may have been influenced, but it was ultimately his choice and had a right to it. because of his choice, he got assualted.then they start talking again when they lived in the same building....and when he went in the army, he still kept in close contact with her. unfortunately, that didn't mean much to her after he allowed himself to get close to her. she found someone else while he was away for whatever reason.now....after she moved on, he did the same with another girl. this time, she didn't assault him, she just intentionally broke them up.now they are talking again. love does many strange things. i have seen jealousy and obsession before and it doesn't lead to anything good. maybe they both have just been hiding their feeling and getting hurt all the while when so close to eachother....so yea, i think it's time to lay the chips on the table, stop living a lie and see what happens and if it's worth ending a friend relationship for something more. but if you ask me....all this controlling crap needs to stop or a relationship will never be a healthy one and you two will just end up getting hurt again....and people need to be carefull because a friendship could be lost out of all this drama crap. see if a commitment can be made so you two can stop hurting eachother. if not, move on and hopefully a friendship can still be there....but i doubt it since you always wanted something more and it shows through your jealousy and obsession and your inability to control your emotions. you are already past a friendship level. you just haven't been honest with him if you truely do love him.i don't know why you are confused about his sexual questions. it's not about what you should think about it or to disect it. think about what you want out of a friendship or relationship. if you want to take it to the next level, then why are you so concerned about his sexual questions? if you don't want to take it to a sexual level or you so called definition of a friendship can't handle that sort of talk, then tell him so he can stop wasting his time on you to talk about the things he is interested in.i just hope you two stop getting hurt because of eachother and wish you both my best.....but yea....be open and honest. not only does that define a good friendship, but it also defines a good foundation for any relationship. ducky- don't be blind by the obvious. don't try to convince me that you influencing his relationship with another woman was any different than his friends influencing his relationship with you. who's there to give you a slap when YOU are wrong. and don't say you did it for him. you did it selfishly for yourself. that stuff needs to stop no matter where your relationship is going with this guy....

[legend112 0]

Looks guys, this is a matter that needs careful thought. I don't usually agree with anwii but heck, he's laying it down for what it is!This guy has a bit of a problem I once had. I really liked this other girl but I ended up dating the friend. It really hurt her bad and they too broke off their friendship because of me and I felt horrible afterwards. Everything is very much like what you've described...i flirted with her real bad with no burning wish to take it to the next level...and just hit it off with her best friend.Anyway, back to your story...this guy might have a real thing for you...but he needs that push and needs to know you aint no booty-call when he's around. I think you two maybe real close but you need to give him a real wake-up call. Coming out in the open and declaring out your feelings for him will not work in your favour. Personally, I like to chase after girls then "win" not the other way round. A girl telling me she likes me will really scare love away,I might commit in the end but the feeling of having been "trapped" will not disappear easily.So with this guy its all bout making him see you two can be an actual couple. Not knowing if he has good intentions since he asks sexual questions...that doesn't sound too good. He needs to improve his approach if he wants something worthwhile. But anyway, why don't you instead of answering and obliging all the way, answer a few then...stop in the middle of it and tell him you'll do it when you're ready since sex is a delicate subject with you. Tell him you share such knowledge when you have gotten 100% trust in someone...that is a proper boyfriend...and you don't really understand what he is driving at...after that...make it clear sex is a no go area if this relationship issue is not resolved...but do not ask him if he loves you...he has got to make the first move....thats how you know if someone likes you.I hope my advice helps.

[Duckie_22 0]

Thank you for all your responses. And I have been considering them all and looking back and seeing a different perspective. Its true that other guys I have dated liked me because I was not easy and a hard catch so they had to work. I guess I have been giving this guy everything too easily. We have not had sex or kissed or nething since we stopped dating years ago. But I still give in to everything he wants really easily. Anwii.. you are right in some points. I know that he does value our friendship and he values me...to somee extent. And we both do act selfishly. I know I did... I do admit that. I dated someone else after he came bck from the army because he didn't show me that he wanted nething more but to b friends... and the other guy wanted me and showeed me that he really liked me. I can't say that feeling loved and wanted didn't feel nice. I'm human and did neet that. Its just right now with my best friend, I don't know its getting out of control. I decedided that I'm not going to tell him. And just be a friend to him. The sexual questiions never bothered me.. except he's never asked them... So it weirded me out a little. I'm going to do as Legend suggested about the 100% trust and boyfriend thing. Besides the whole breaking up thing.. I rarely ever do act selfishly... Thank you everyone. You have all given me something more to really think about...