Self-aware, Guy-dependent but what do I do?

[mewkiss117 0]

So I've recently made a big realization about my life and I need some advice. To explain, though, I'll have to give a little super simplified back story........My parents divorced when I was a baby. I grew up knowing my father but hating him because of the tremendous influence my (understandingly bitter) mom had on me. We never had a real father-daughter relationship. My mom remarried and her new husband became my father figure, but after several years we found out he was a scumbag drug-dealing ex-convict who had been lying to us for years. Obviously my mom left him. By that time I was in 8th grade...When I went to high school, I met a boy who fell madly in love with me. He became my EVERYTHING. He was my best friend, my lover, and my caretaker. He took care of me in every sense: emotionally, socially, physically, mentally, even financially to some extent. We were certain we were going to be together forever, and this allowed me to grow in my later adolescence embedded in a strong sense of security. We went to college together, but it started getting extremely complicated and I ended up breaking up with him in a moment of grief (tragic death in the family--long story). I never gave myself time to deal with the break-up because a week later I started seeing another guy--a nice distraction, I guess. He was never very good to me, and was even abusive and neglectful at times, but I stayed with him for two years. The whole time I was still in love with my first love from high school. I finally ended things with the second dude "once and for all" recently, although now I miss him and am still talking to him.Still, as if I didn't learn my lesson the first time, right after I broke up with him, I started hanging out with yet ANOTHER guy. And to be completely honest, I don't even find him that attractive or interesting or anything, I just like him as a friend and like the attention I get from him. He's actually kind of a weirdo and has been calling/texting me WAY too much (even calling over 20 times in ONE HOUR!!!) -- a little obsessive, I think. So I've been trying to ease out of that situation, and, what do I do?--hook up with my BEST FRIEND! Yes, yesterday I woke up naked next to my best guy friend. Shoot me now!Talk about a wake up call. Holy canoli. So I've done some serious soul searching, and I realize my dependency on guy attention/love/nurturing is most likely a result of having crappy "father" experiences growing up. And I guess I'm glad to finally have some more tangible explanation for my ridiculous behavior with guys. But what do I actually DO from here? I know the easy answer is "don't depend on guys" but I need more specific help at this point, I think. I'm pretty overwhelmed. Any advice?Oh, and an update on my dad and I right now: I have been working for the past couple of years on building a positive relationship with him, but it's difficult because we have a lot of conflicting viewpoints and issues with money. He has remarried and has a new kid, who I love, which both ameliorates and complicates the situation. We are presently okay, though, although I don't see him too often because I am away at school. As for the stepdad, I haven't seen or heard from him since 8th grade.

Edited October 20, 2008 by mewkiss117 (see edit history)

[encryptedwrath 0]

Well , the first thing to do would be generally abstain from relationships of that kind. Everytime you get the overwhelming feeling just try to remember the pain and the confusion it has caused you in the past. If you really click with someone , try and take it slow and try to stay independent in the relationship so you don't end up lost if it ends. Try to explain to any guy that you meet who is interested how you feel about relationships so they don't get the wrong signals. Sorry if I'm not being specific or detailed. I don't want to cause you problems by giving the wrong advice :-/ Hoping I helped in some way

[Unknown_99 0]

Most cases like these are oftentimes given the "spend more time with your family advice". And it is actually effective. Spend more time with your mom, with your female friends, bond, go shopping, get a spa, etc. Making yourself busy will slowly change you day to day. One day, you'll know that you have moved on to a higher plane of maturity. I do hope and wish you the best of luck.

[salamangkero 0]

Personally, I think this is rather... shallow. I mean, how easy is it to point one's fingers at anything but one's self? How easy is it to lay the blame entirely on something that only influenced matters. I didn't have a great father figure either, but I don't say, "I'm gay because I had no excellent male role model." I flunked a few subjects back in college but I don't say, "It's all my best friend's fault; he's the one who recommended Computer Science to me," or, "It's my senpai's fault; he's the one who introduced me to network gaming."Remember, other people can influence your life only so much. Majority of the decision, however, still lies in one's self. However, I'm not posting simply to criticize what (perhaps) cannot be changed. I do have some advice.You could try abstinence. Do you have girl friends? Try going out on a road trip, girls' night out or shopping spree. Stay away (mentally, emotionally, heck, even physically!) from guys you like or guys who like you.Are you naturally beautiful? Or can you put together an ensemble in which you'd look good? If your answers are both no, you might want to evaluate your self-esteem. A makeover might bring a lot more benefits than flattery and half a man. If your answers are both yes, however, (or "yes" and "I don't need to", respectively) it might be that you are not really dependent on guys, only that you feel a strange thrill in playing the game. Have you changed dates too frequently?Personally, though, I don't think there's anything wrong with dating a different guy every now and then. I do think that your first one was the best one for you but that fish is very much out of the net now, I suppose. Dating is a very good and socially acceptable means of finding one who is most compatible with you. It does sound like you're a bit too focused on yourself, methinks. Try finding out more about the guy you're dating or the ones courting you. What are your best friend's plans? Are you focusing too much on the sexual aspect that's very well into the past? Or are you also thinking of the future? How you handle your most recent... adventure could very well show you what is wrong with... your outlook in life. No offense.Lastly, I must say, I do disapprove of your most recent encounter. I sure hope you know well enough to use protection, if you know what I mean. If not, well, like you said, shoot yourself now. Nah, just kidding but do be careful, girl. I'm seeing far too many pregnant women lately and it does disturb me greatly

[anwiii 17]

well, i read your post and i don't think your shallow or selfish.unfortunately, real dad and you will never gain back that childhood relationship you lost. you need to deal with that fact. you can't blame him, you can't blame your mother. you SURE as heck should never blame your own self.getting in to a relationship to quick because you are missing something in your life is never really a good reason to enter a relationship. you're going to be carrying baggage and the relationship is destined to fail unless the guy your with understands and is strong enough to work out your issues with you. i wouldn't count on that though. you mom made the same mistake and quickly broke things off. i suggest not entering any relationship until you get over your past issues. especially your dad issues. right now, you are an adult. your not a kid anymore. you shouldn't have any issues with your dad unless it involves you and him trying to build on a new relationship of love and respect. neither of you should ask or expect anything from the other. if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. there is a reason your mom left him which you didn't state but your mom has proven already she wont stay in an abusive relationship so your dad must have done SOMETHING to hurt her his actions were a result of her hurting him. he's moved on from your mother but it doesn't mean he's moved on from you.but you got some issue's here and if you continue to date people the way you have been doing, you're only gonna get hurt over and over and over and over and over and over and over again and believe me.....that is NO WAY TO LIVE. living with the emptiness is sometimes easier and safer.you want to feel secured and someone to take care of ya? start with your own self FIRST. be happy with who you are, be secured and independant inside your own self FIRST. then and only then will you be ready to find a guy that can love you for who you really are and enter in to a secured relationship with a guy that will love you and take care of you for the rest of his life....and you will never have to be dependant on a guy ever again.you're parents got divorced when you were young. i am sorry about that. for whatever reason, had to be hard on you the most and you are probably the one that got hurt the most out of it all because you were just an innocent kid back then. but as you can see now, adults make some really stupid choices in their life and the consequences are hurtfull to not only them but those around them. so please try to deal with your issues so you don't keep building on the cycle your parents created.

[sheepdog 10]

Actually, I'm not even sure you have a problem. Your experiences sound pretty much like any other normal female who is growing up. We all come with bagage, we all have our own experiences that influence our future decisions. But the fact that you realize you have this dependancy is a big step in the right direction. It would probably help if you just step back from the relationship department for a little while and think things threw. Give it some time so you can develope your own sense of self worth and come to the realization that you are an independant person and can function on your own as an adult. When you do try another relationship, for gosh sakes, don't go to the oppostite end of the spectrum and get a guy that is not good to you. Don't try to punish yourself by getting into a relationship that is not right for you. If you like to be treated well by your man, there is nothing wroung with that! Why tie yourself up with an assh-le just to prove a point?

[networker 0]

I don't think you have a problem either.At least you seem willing tolook into yourself and a desire to make changes. You alsodon't seem like somebody who has to completely burn bridges with people either.It sounds like you'll give people another chance,which is a good quality to have. Maybe you like people too much and become attached to themtoo easily.Maybe just try a little bit of restraint.Hell! I feel like Doctor Phil! All the best