Trying To Keep My Head Up For The Holidays! Life can be so unfair.

[krazygoddess 0]

First of all I am not looking for pity or anyone to feel sorry for me, I am hopiing to find someone that maybe has gone through something similiar and can be someone i can talk to and find out how they made it through this. My family has gone through alot the past few years we have had many deaths in our family and now recently i find my self with the biggest obsticale to evercome. We have lost about 5 family members in about 2 in a half years, The last being my grandma my mom's mom last year dec 23. My mom has taken this so hard the rest of us have also, but my mom the worst. Since my grandma has passed my mom has not been doing good. she has had no appetite and lost alot of weight, I guess that can be kinda normal i dont know. But then in april a little over 4 months since my grandma passed, she started getting other symptoms not eating at all constantly not being healty she got pnumonia in april had a few tests done at her docs, they said no big deal gave her antibiotics and sent her on her way. Well she got a little better and time passed well june she gets sick again the doc says no big deal sends her on her way, mind you shes still not eating much at all has lost about 75 lbs since dec and her doc says no big deal! well in september she got real real sick went to her doc again by now she had lost 100 lbs she did weigh about 230 b4 all this started now she weighs 114 lbs. so anyway september her doc decides something is wrong they do some testing and xrays and tell her she has a spot on her lung and it is nothing to worry about giver her antibiotics and send her home. mid october she is vry ill, cannot breath well at all is not getting better and goes back to the doc theydecide to run more tests and set her up for a mri to find out more about the spot on her lung. Tests come back not cancer, In the mean time her husband my stepfather has realized something is not right here, so right after her last appointment they set one up for a specialist. they do an mri and x-rays and say yes its definately cancer. they then proceed to want to do a byopsy. she has this done we have to wait a week for results to find out that they did not go deep enough to find out anything. so they want to do somethign called a pet scan which from what i undestand they give you something eiter orally or in an iv to make the cancer show up in this scan. and then anoher byopsy the day after. well this is november 16th now that she has these tests done, and then the specialists call her the day b4 thanksgiving and says that she has this cancer all through out her, her lungs (both) her spine her throat and her lymphnoads (unsure how to spell) and that it is uncurable and she has 2 months to live 7 max if she does chemo. Now I am just in shock I have not slept more them 3 hrs at a time since mid oct. when this all got serious. I dont know what to do with my self I dont know how to feel, i just burst out crying for no reason my family is suffering for what i am going through. I went to my mothers house for thanksgiving i cried all the way there thinking this will be my last thankgiving with her. I tried to act normal when i was there, i knew i just couldnt look at my mom and start crying. I just dont know how mych longer i can do this. i knwo it cant get any easier but can it really get any worse? Christmas is coming up and im jsut not in the mood, i have 4 kids, i feel horrible that they have to see me like this. and that i dont look forward to this holiday. please is there someone else out there that has gone through something similiar that can help me out, or give me some advice good or bad. i just dont knwo where to go or do with myself. thanks for your time in reading i knwo it was a long one sorry.

[de4thpr00f 0]

First of all, welcome to the forum (stay for a while you need to clean up your mind)Didn't you think to open a process to the doctor? He was negligent. Well i have a friend with a similar problem (cancer on the lynfatic system) and she's only 17. Life is unfair for some. You shouldn't be thinking about holidays unless your mom is going with you. I bet your children can understand that.Try to fill their mind with some activities, they will forget problems fast. This thing can really affect them.

[krazygoddess 0]

Yes I have thought about starting something agaist this dr. the specialist could not believe that with her symptoms her doc did not catch on sooner that somethign was seriously wrong. But it is not my place to do this. I am 36 with my own family and this i my mom and step dads choice to persue and actions and as of right now they are against it. they are instead using there time to find something or someway to help my mom live a little longer. which i can understand. but it sure makes you have a low oh what is the word i am looking for it sure makes you want to not believe in drs. is what i am trying to say. And yes i do need to clear my mind. i just dont knwo how. like i said this is the biggest obstacle life has ever givine me and the hardest. I am just completely lost I have never felt like this in my life. and I have been through alot and thought this many times. but never like this. Thank you for you reply and kind words i really do appreciate it. =)

[de4thpr00f 0]

I know that you were not expecting replies on this topic since these threads are tabu for some. It was for me, but i learned how to talk about this with a certain (i missed the word) cold? i mean, not very gently since this is a big problem for some. I'm 20 years old and i'm a smoker. I never felted that i was playing with fire, but after my friends problem i reduced a lot and i'm tryin to cut it. But what makes me think is that i can be doomed by now...

[krazygoddess 0]

but i was expectiem replies if i poseted inteh wrong place i am sry i am new to this. I understand about the soking I have also been a smoker for about 24 yrs now. over the past few years i have tried to quit the last few years and it has been very difficult for me. but now with all that is going on with my mom i have not smoked in abotu a week so it has really opened my eyes and made me deicde i jsut need to do it. good luck to you

[de4thpr00f 0]

Well good luck for you too. And one last thing, you should visit a psychologist. That would be a really nice to someone help you on how to "filter" thoughs and help you to give some attention to your kids in the next hard times. Life goes on no matter how hard it gets sometimes.Was nice to talk with you. And again, welcome to the forum. The topic is not in the wrong session, you are introducing yourself. =)

[master_bacarra 0]

I don't have the same experience as you but I'll try my best to give out some help. It's really hard when someone tells you in front of your face that your loved one has a limited amount of time left to live. It's even harder to pretend that you're happy even if you're really not. From the way you told us the story, it seems that you've been cheated by the doctors of giving you such results without carefully analyzing it. At a certain level, it could be understandable since there are certain types of cancers that can only be detected once they're on the last stages, but I think it is still a responsibility of the doctor to ensure that the results are accurate, after all, we're talking about a person's health here, and now she's going to suffer the consequences.But enough of the blaming, let's focus more on what you can do at the very least to help your mom to become at ease. I know this is a difficult time for your family and especially for you, but you have to stay strong for them. Sometimes, we have to keep up pretenses and make ourselves look strong in order for people to feel safe around us. In times like these, your mom needs you (and your siblings, if ever you have some) the most and you have to make sure she won't feel abandoned, especially now that she's on the lowest point of her life. But of course, I didn't say you should just keep things for yourself---you could cry all you want, later you'll realize it feels much better upon letting it all out. I know it's going to be difficult to be the "shoulder to cry on" when in fact you also need a shoulder to cry on, but maybe you could gather your strength from your own family. If needed, you could tell your kids and your husband about the situation in the best way you can, and hopefully they would understand. With regards to your mother, make her last days memorable. Try to have more bonding moments with her, savor the moments. Just your presence will make her feel strong enough so she could move on day by day, despite the pain she's experiencing. People need others to live by the moment, and like the cliche, "no man's an island". I know this holiday season would be very difficult for you, but at least try to live in the present and at least not worry about what's going to happen in the future. A lot of people worry about what is to happen and they haven't even lived their life in the present! Enjoy every moment while you can.I hope that I was able to help you even for a bit. Don't worry, I'll include you and her in my prayers. Be safe.

[anwiii 17]

First of all I am not looking for pity or anyone to feel sorry for me, I am hopiing to find someone that maybe has gone through something similiar and can be e not

well, first of all, i'm sorry i DO feel sorry for you. you're post had me on the verge of crying here

i haven't had this experience and hope i never do. most people will never have a similar experience as this so i wouldn't expect much understanding, but i am very empathetic and i know others here are as well and it's good that you have opened up here for answers and just to release.

first, when i read the first time the doctor said pnemonia wasn't a problem, right then and there i thought "what an idiot" to myself. but what puzzles me is why nobody took your mother to another doctor...at LEAST for a second opinion. i don't want to sound blaming in such a cruel world scenario right now but people need to get second opinions and stop trusting doctors so much or something like this can happen. also know, the DOCTOR was to blame, not any of YOU were.

so now the bad news during the holidays. forget about the doctor. your mother is #1 right now. kids are also #1 so you have two issues here. obviously, be there for your mother. the only way you can do that is to be yourself. open up to her. don't hold any regrets not telling her how you feel. you love her. show her and don't hold anything back. continue the holidays with your kids. they deserve that. they can't grow up relating deaths to the holidays or they will never be able to enjoy them again.....or at the very least, it will be hard for them not to.

now, the good news. hope. there is ALWAYS hope! you need to know and understand this. i have seen miracles happen in my time. this is no joke. the more positive everyone can be will give your mother a better chance to live longer. THAT I PROMISE! everyone elses energy will rub off on your mother so be POSITIVE! i am also a firm believer in self healing and finding alternatives other than prescription drugs. i read that you spent over two hours reading our forums here when you joined. start reading up on cancer and alternatives. wether the alternative methods cure the cancer or just slow down the proccess, read for your mother. research the subject and act on some alternative methods or combine that with doctor recomendations.

i recomend trying to accept that people die. it's a normal process in everyone. alot of people(including my wife) have a VERY hard time with death and don't even like to go to cemetaries or funerals. some people never accept and some of those people live in regrets because they didn't get a chance to experience everything they wanted to with the person who passes. it's unfortunate that some wait til the last minute.

i really don't know what to offer you this is terribly sad situation for me to hear i don't know what i would do with my parents passing as i am very close to both(and now i live 1800 miles away from them). all i know what to say is this....

i believe life is a learning experience. with every experience there is a negative and a positive result. although it's hard to see the positive in something that is obviously so negative, it's there whether there's a positive impact on a cure for cancer or creating awareness about doctors and obvious ignorace in people who spent 8 years just to become a doctor. there is a positive.

i also believe that when we die, it is definately our time to go. we are meant to experience and learn a certain amount in this lifetime. after that, we pass....and in time, we get born again. we usually pass when we have thinging else to offer ourselves and others in this lifetime and it's just our time to go rather than just live day by day in limbo.

i believe that 2 people can have such a strong inner connection sometimes that when one passes, the other one soon follows(could be a direct example
with your mother/grandmother)

i believe that foolish people believe that we "die". our host dies. our spirit and soul lives on. this is a FACT. our bodies may die....but our energy NEVER dies and is still existant even when our bodies say we need to leave it. i know some will argue this point and those people will be ignorant because i know better. i know better because of my own experiences and my wife's experiences first hand.

so when i talk about life after death or spirits and souls living on, the human body dying is a natural act. after they pass, they move on to a higher level of existance. not a bad place. when they are ready, they get born again with a higher energy level and knowledge to experience new things in their new lifetime. with each lifetime your soul and spirit become stronger. it's not a bad thing. what's bad is the emotion that comes when thinking about losing someone so special. but emotions have no brains and these terrible emotions benefit nobody. not you, not the one who has passed on, and not the one that may pass on eventually. they create negative energy.

so stay positive please. find a way. we aren't born to experience more than we can handle. i believe that too. you need to find meaning in all this to accept it and move on rather than have it ruin your life too or your kids' life through this process.

i also would like to give one last bit of advice here. that is to talk to your grandmother. talk to her after you get in to your bed. try to relax your whole body and mind, and talk to your grandmother either with eyes open or shut. try to picture her standing by your bed and talk to her. do that EVERY NIGHT. why your grandmother? because i believe that even though she has already passed, she may help you with your answers. don't shrug this off please. i know some may find it ridiculous but it's not if you believe. i believe her and your mother were connected more than others know and your grandmother may be able to create some peace for you in this situation. do this EVERY NIGHT. it may take a while, but don't quit thinking it's not working. always believe. eventually, your grandmother will appear by your bed or she will appear in your dreams and guide you and comfort you. believe me when i say this WORKS! ask your grandmother to come to you and ask her to guide you. she's still with you and she's still with your mother.

answers come in time so patience is important. i'm so sorry about all the deaths so recently and your mothers news of irreversable illness. stay hopefull and positive even if you have to fake it until you become stronger. stay as positive as you can and tell all other family members to do the same. positive energy has healing powers. negative energy will just make the negative processes quicker.

i don't know if this has helped you. i just gave some things to try and believe in. when it's hard to believe in anything except that nagging question "WHY?"!!!

please post updates on your mothers condition and if you need a friend, pm me.

[jlhaslip 4]

I have a friend who just went through a similar experience. 6 months to a year became 8 months. Very trying times ahead for you, for sure.The amazing part is that you will deal with it, and you will be a better person for that... Not an easy task, for certain, and not enjoyable what so ever, but it is a necessary thing. Make the best of it, for your Mother's sake.You and yours will be in my thoughts.

[Archangel_Baw 0]

I've been through something similar, I lost my grandma, to cancer throughout her body, and then my mom on November 21 2005 of a sudden & massive heart attack. And it doesn't get easier.

 

But you can't torture yourself about it, look at what that did to your mom. Don't fool yourself into thinking it can't happen to you too. Untreated depression like that will kill you if you let it.

 

It has taken me a while to gain weight back, after my mom died i lost so much weight i was skin and bone, & I litterally looked like skelletor from he-man. That was my depression turning inward.

 

Now im healthier and i look at pictures of me & think wtf was i thinking, but the answer is disturbing: at the time when i was sick with depression, I just wanted to be with my mom. and thinking like that almost killed me. so if you need someone to talk to about this stuff you've come to the right place:)

welcome to Xisto:)

[krazygoddess 0]

First of all i would like to thank awniii for you awesome response, and everyone else also ty all so much. ok Awniii first of all yes i very much agree about the wole dr. thing ys think she should have been taken in for a second opinion way back in april, my family is a little weird in this way, that I really didnt knwo much of anything at the time when she was sick back in april i knew she wasnt feeling well and that was pretty much it, we are pretty close but my mom is weird like that whenever she was ill if she could get away with it she would not really say anything to me she never wanted me to worry. I had no idea at the time i am just finding all this out about her appts. I also knew n the back of my head though that something was wrong, but my mom had me convined that she was fine and that she ws loosing weight because of depression over my grandmother and that she knew it wasnt good and she was dealing with it with her dr. I do also very strongly agree with everythign else you said, I believe you were rigth on with the self healing and positiveness, and i also very much believe in your energy does not die wiith your body. But knowing all this and believing just doesnt seem to be making this any easier. and i know that probably nothing will. And de4thpr00f Yes I have over the last week been seriouley considering seeking physciatric help just to deal with everything i have going on right now. I dont want to end up experiancing all the depression my mom went through the last thing i need to do is make myself sick, from stress and worrying to much. Thank you all again.

[anwiii 17]

considering seeking physciatric help just to deal with everything i have going on right now. I dont want to end up experiancing all the depression my mom went through the last thing i need to do is make myself sick, from stress and worrying to much. Thank you all again.

yea, i figured it wouldn't help, but i just wanted to let you know people care out there, even complete strangers and you're not alone. as far as your mother....my wife is the same. i can just kill 'r sometimes because she such a hard stubborn woman but when there is a serious issue when i find out, i have to put killin' her aside. your momsounds like a special woman that loves people.....and a giver. nothing may help right now, but remember this. your mother isn't dead. i didn't mention this before but i have a bit of a scare in me too right now that my wife has cancer. 1 doctor says yes, the other says no, but can turn in to cancer and the test results are taking forever to come in.

it's funny remembering what you said in your original post that you didn't want anyone to take pity on you or feel sorry. i'll bet $1000 that those would be your mom's exact words in this case. you're close to your mom, yes.....probably the same way i suspected your mom and grandmothers connection.

i know my wife lost her mom several years ago and still isn't over it. they had a very strong connection. it's sad sometimes for me to know this because i want her to feel safe and not alone and not scared or sad. she even knows the spirit doesn't die and our loved ones are still around, but it's not the same, i know.

anyway, again, you have a stranger as a friend here whenever it gets too hard and need to release...

[krazygoddess 0]

Well things are going about he same here, Mom is having her good days and bad days mentally. I have been spending all the time I can with her. I am having some health isses of my own I need to worry about. I think it just may be stress but I am not sure. I have not bee able to sleep at all the last few weeks not more then an hour or two at a time, I try I lay in bed at night and try to sleep I am tired constantly but just cant seem to sleep. My husband seems to think it is stress also and that maybe it caused some kind of insomnia. I am thinking myabe monday I will go to my Dr, and see what he thinks because i knwo this is not good for me.