She's 11 Years Older Than Me But I dont want it.

[CopperZepher 0]

I have quite the dilema here. Now, I'm going to keep information to an extrme minimum because enough people that I know personally may stumble upon this in a simple Google Search of my Screen Name which I use for just about everything.First let me start off with this. It's been two years. I have not been around on Xisto since late 2005. I have come back thanks to some good experiences and memories, but this time, I'm not after free hosting (has a paid for Domain and Unlimited space/bandwidth server now).Okay, down to the business. An unnamed girl, is 11 years older than me, now, yes I am 17 (to think I was 15 when I last logged in) now, and almost 18, but she is 28, maybe not so happily married, with 2 kids . I'm not going to say where I originally met her, but I now see her (not like SEE see, but just talk to and so on) on a near daily-basis. She is one of the most stunningly beautiful person, and I cannot go an hour without a thought of her slipping into my mind . The problem is, the marrige, the kids, my age, and the fact that I know I can never have what I want . I'm not here to try and get advice on how to move on with her, but with how to get her out of my mind, at least in the way that's there now. This is a somewhat recent advancement in the way these thoughts formulate in my mind. I want to start liking somebody thats more... my age range, and just, more.. well possible. But I'm sure I can handle that myself (perhaps I'll be back later on when we get there), but for now, I just want these thoughts out of my mind. Cheaper the better, remember, I'm 17, not the richest of the kind, so maybe accupunture isn't quite the right path for me.Now, I'm not about to go tell this person how I feel, because I am pretty muched forced to see this person daily, and I don't want any of this ever getting to her. Also, let me add, once I'm 18, nothing would really stand between, meaning, the being forced to see her daily, is not an student/teacher thing, there are no rules or laws (again, once I'm 18) preventing me from pursuing her, minus the whole married and kids part. I guess that means this is more of a physical attraction, but there are countless parts of her personality that I am attracted to, it's just those things that's the downside.So, any advice on how to go about this? I mean, if one of you comes up with some elaborate (EDIT: and now that I think about it, legal) plan to get her to ditch her hubby (for the second time I believe) and get real rich and buy a house with her and live happily ever after, then please, enlighten me, it's just I don't think that's ever going to happen.EDIT: now, almost an hour later, i keep checking, every few minutes or so if someone has replied, and i keep thinking of things i could also say about this. so here goes part deux.Everytime I see her, it's almost like I want to hug her, for a long time, but I just never see that happening, I don't really see hugging as anything wrong, as I have many "friends that are girls" that hugging is absolutely, just friends-like...-ness. I've seen her cry before, and been there enough to know why... that being her husband and her were having some sort of problems, that apparently has fixed itself, but that, among her 4 year old house having a blown water pipe that was going to be several thousand dollars to fix, the wood floors were quishy when walked on, and the family was getting sick from mold, they had to move out, and rent a place, no pets, so she lost the family dog, and theres just been alot of heartache in her life recently, and perhaps I just want to jump on that, alot of these "friends that are girls" come to me for advice on that kind of stuff and granted they are quite more my age and my experience level applies slightly more to them, I guess I feel the need to help, in any way I can. I offered to help her move, I often buy her drinks (not THOSE drinks) and I'm really starting to think that I would just love to be a shoulder to cry on, but I'm not sure how to get there!!

Edited November 19, 2007 by CopperZepher (see edit history)

[bthaxor 0]

hmm...hmm indeed...i must say that this is a very unusual situation. firstly, why do you see her every day? you say that you are forced to - how is that so?also, if you know that it is not going to work out, then why do you keep trying to get her attention???look, im gonna be honest with you, ok? its never going to work out. not when she's married, not when she has kids, and certainly not since you're 11 years younger than her.sorry mate.

[anwiii 17]

its never going to work out. not when she's married, not when she has kids, and certainly not since you're 11 years younger than her.

i agree with all but the last part. at first, my curiosity was getting to me. i mean, where do you know her from and why is she hanging around a 17 year old?
if you continue with your thoughts bud, you are setting your own self up for early disaster and heartache. not because you are 11 years younger, but that doesn't make a relationship any much easier either when you aren't even graduated from school

if you pursue a married man/women, that person loses all my respect upfront. that should NEVER happen. she has two kids. well, kids are important. they are #1. they deserve a chance with their parents, not an outsider trying to break up their parents and someone who can never love them the same as their parents.

now, even if she gets a divorce or leaves this man, STAY AWAY! you will be caught in the middle of something you don't want to be in and you might just lose a friendship alltogether when she's forced to choose.

with all that being said, just stay away. if you cared or loved her at all, you would know what the best for her is and it's not a 17 year old with an infatuation and hormones blaing right now. with age, comes experience. she's lived in the real world. you haven't even tasted it yet. there's a lot to experience other than breaking up families. you either need to be there for HER if you can, and if you can't, stay away all together and break all ties or your thoughts will become stronger and you will start acting on your emotions and not your brain

i know you probably didn't want to hear that reply, but i am giving you straight up solid advice. it's not worth it to you, her, her husband, and most importantly the kids if you continue on your path in this thinking!

my general advice is to stay away and drop all connection. let someone else be a shoulder to cry on. the more busy you keep yourself, the less you will have time to think of her. start dating and experience what's out there. there are other people out there with the same qualities and i can almost gaurantee, better qualities for YOU. she may have some, but probably not ALL that will fullfill you in a partner. not once in your letter did i sense a true love coming from you. i also didn't sense a type of soul mate connection. knowing what i sensed, again i say to stay away and keep busy doing other things. get her out of your mind. don't talk to her on the phone, don't go where she's at. if you see her on the street or any other public place, turn and walk away.

that's my advice. what you are suggesting is trouble. you want more. you can't have more. if you try, you will get hurt and possibly hurt a family and especially kids who deserve better than you interupting their lives if you continue on these obsessive thoughts

now i meant no disrespect, but i did want to be firm in my tone because this is serious business and i don't think for one second you know what you're getting in to or the consequences if you continue to pursue even a friendship relationship which sometimes leads to more.....

[CopperZepher 0]

thank you, both, the advice is hard but its true. on a side note, to both of you, i think only 1 of her kids is from the current husband, the other one I believe is from a previous encounter.and about me being "forced" to see her, we work at the same place together.And do capitalize on your advice, how do you suppose I go about finding someone more... for me? I was never really good at that kind of stuff, like ever.

[coolcat50 0]

Now, I have absolutely no dating experience, but I do have some ideas that could help your situation. One way you can push her out your mind is to simply do things that please you. Take up a hobby, post on Trap more, make more websites. Do whatever makes you do into a "trance" and try to stop thinking of her. Talk with all of your other friends and try and be very sociable with them. A huge help could be to only see her when ABSOLUTELY REQUIRED. That will help your situation alot. Your situation is very puzzling and quite strange to me. (Of course I'm like 3 years younger than you) Yes, I am younger, but that doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about. Just do what I said and your situation could become much less awkward and just become a regular relationship.

[CopperZepher 0]

I see what you mean, I would often find myself visiting, just for the sake of visiting. I see her tomorrow, and before I even posted the original post here, I vowed to myself that I would attempt to give her as little, if not none at all, attention tomorrow, I thought she worked today and I was already to do it, but I had to do it anyways. This being just a test to see if I can do it. It's that I'm probably her favorite person at work, everytime she sees me in the morning she always says something like "OHh!! (my name) Is here!!" *big smile*, and I've gotten in trouble from the boss about working too much with her and not much of anyone else. But regardless, I'm going to see if I can do it. I lost probably 5 hours of sleep last night to staring at the wall thinking about her (honestly, thats a first, and not with just her, with any girl, usually its about bad stuff, like me getting caught for doing scandelous things, which, i pretty much dont do anymore, better things to do).Anyways, I know that there will have to be communication between me and her tomorrow (err, today I guess now..), but I am going to try to keep it to a bare minimum, and only work related. I'll check back with you guys tomorrow about it. And let me say, to all of you, thanks, I mean, deep down, I knew what you had to say, I know you're right, I knew you were right before you even said it, but I just.. it's hard to say, i cant quite make it into words, I mean, just having at least 2 people say the same thing pretty much, is alot better than me trying to figure it out for myself.

[varalu 0]

Try to involve or engage yourself in something you like.That will help. else there is a better option move away from that place for goood.Also. if you really wanted to do something you can do it.

[bishoujo 0]

The main issue is not that she is 11 years older than you, but it should be that she is married with 2 kids. In this case, you really must stay away from her. Firstly, she may not reciprocate your feelings, especially if she still has her children to commit to, even if she is unhappy with her husband. Secondly, even if she does reciprocate your feelings, what about the kids? Are you willing to accept them along with her? Will you treat them like your own, if you have further plans with her? What if her kids blame you for her problems with their father since you appeared at this time when they were having problems with their relationship?You are still young , probably what you are experiencing is puppy love. You won't be able to commit to a complicated relationship. Move on, meet other people, find a new hobby or something. Soon you will get over it. Good luck!

Edited November 20, 2007 by bishoujo (see edit history)

[devotchka 0]

Too much trouble...So sorry you've been through this. It's frustrating to spend countless sleepness nights trying to decide what to do. Believe me, you don't want to get dragged into that. It sucks, but that's the way these things work out. We all deal with heartbreaks in life. You will feel like something is ripping your heart out, but eventually you'll get over it.

Edited November 20, 2007 by devotchka (see edit history)

[anwiii 17]

and about me being "forced" to see her, we work at the same place together.

well if you work together, it's going to be hard not to see her unless ya quit and i don't suggest you quiting since you met her in the work place(i'm assuming you met her as employee to employee).

patience patience patience. that is my advice. it's ok to have feelings for people....especially when they boost your ego whenever you walk in a room. it's great, ain't it? it's a good feeling and she offers that to ya.

she sounds like a very cool person the way you described her and maybe in a way you boost her day as well when she's able to talk to you knowing you wont be judgemental. you know, you two can be friends if you find a way to get the other thoughts out of your head.

how do you get her out of your head? not that easy. it will be hard since you work with her. keep busy with work, join a gym, make some new friends and do the things you have in common with eachother. study for school or the next test. keep riminding yourself that you are her friend and nothing more and nothing more will come about it because you don't want that either. convince yourself that you will be there as a friend ONLY. a friend will be there for HER just like she's there for you when you walk in to the work place. keep the friendship INSIDE the workplace as well. that's where you met her, that's where it should stay in this case.

it's hard bud. i feel ya when you say you're staring at walls and hard to sleep sometimes just thinking about her. you are in control of YOU though and YOU can shoose what to think about and what not to think about. train your mind to concentrate on other things that are important too. it's not easy. it takes time. it takes PATIENCE and self discipline to go from here. it IS a test. you are right. do yourself a favor and pass this test. life is full of them and making the right decisions and choices. this probably isn't the first and most definately wont be the last.

whatever you do and whatever choice you make in this life, your character is on the line. your choices will define you and what you stand for bud. you sound like a good guy your own self and it sounds like you already knew the answer before you posted what you did. the problem is, it ain't easy nobody will ever tell you it's going to be easy. life isn't easy but you have come this far at 17.....that's about 1/4 of your life you've already lived. listen to your gut and be able to support and have the strength to do what your gut tells ya.

as far as meeting someone else, patience again hahaha sorry but true. life doesn't happen in a snap of a finger. you aren't meant to live your whole life in a month. there is LOTS to experience and learn and to even teach others when you gain your own knowledge in life. life is a learning experience. there are many lessons and many tests. be patient to experience all the experiences you are meant to live through. don't allow society to dictate who you are or what you stand for. we all aren't meant to go to school and graduate, then find a good paying job with benefits, then find a true love during that time where 2 years later you settle down with that beautifull house with that dog and white picket fence. let life happen naturally for ya bud without forcing it.

your lonely. you want someone to love and you want to be loved. good. be yourself and wait for it to happen. i found it just being myself and not searching for it. i found it naturally. i believe that whatever is meant to be will be. so you need to decide how you want to live. you don't want to feel lonely for 5-10 years until you find your life long mate do you? it's not a good feeling. do some things that can make you feel good about yourself because i feel a little low self esteem in your posts(sorry, i pick up on the smallest things) be happy with who you are and live YOUR life, nobody elses knowing who you are and what you want to do in life.

you can have everything in control of YOU if you allow it. take some control of your life. you sound like a good kid having some normal problems alot of us faced when we were your age(i'm 39 now). good luck with it bud. it's not easy and i'm glad you shared your experience. that helps sometimes....especially easier sharing it with strangers

[CopperZepher 0]

@anwiiiI cannot say how right you are. I mean, I'm sure you're right about low self-esteem, I was never the high class football star, or the really smart nerdy kid, I'm just kind of... well more on the nerdy side I guess , but that's alright sometimes. I am VERY resistant to peer-pressure, I don't smoke or drink, and don't really plan to, regardless of how many of my friends have tried to get me to. I am a very opinionated person, I stand by what I think very fiercely, but when it comes to me not knowing, like now, I'll take whatever I can get from you guys. You've been great. The part about the job and great benefits, I already have that. I may not make a whole bunch an hour, but I'm only 17, and don't have many bills (cell phone, car insurance). My Health/Dental is AMAZING, I have the Union behind me, and I get 100% free preventive care, and everything else is 80% covered, with no office visit co-pays, and ER visits are a flat $75. Not that that has anything to do with anything, I'm just saying haha. Also, for my future career plans, I do wish in 4 years to go to the Police Academy and become one of the Men in Blue here.Also, about the test I put forth for myself. Let me give you a short background. I get out of school daily (don't go Fridays) at 10:30, but I get there at 8:45, it's a short day for me, I have Independet Contract Studies though. So I have to be to work 30 minutes later, generally, my schedule is changing next week. It's not hard to get there, I mean... like a mile, MAYBE a mile and a half, and I drive there. Anyways, back to about my test. I failed, really bad, like, I did exactly the opposite, I couldn't have failed more. I was good at first, I was suprised at the fact that she hadn't even spoken to me this morning when I got there, but it could have just been the usual Thanksgiving madness going through everyone's head. I got a good 30 minutes without any contact with her, at all. Then I just gave in, but slowly, started off with simple "how are you" and so on. She got a call, something about her aunt, bad stuff really, and I, naturally, felt bad. Throughout the course of the day, because it's too much to go through, I'll just give you the rundown of my failure: I ended up buying her a drink (like I had said in a previous post), asked her out to lunch (another first for me, ever, and that was a success), helped her do some shopping at the end of her day (hey, it's my job), and then helped her out to her car with some more non-work casual conversation which I don't get much of from her. Failed the test? Yeah. But you know what? I felt good about it. I didn't feel such passion or whatever you want to call it for her. I felt like I was being a good friend, which I am more than fine with. And about the lunch, I told her that there were a few conditions: 1. I pay. 2. You don't owe me anything. I feel like her life is always just a mess, and I have said that, even today, and she nothing but agrees with me, and I told her that that was my reason for being so nice, I think, today, it was a big advancement in our friendship, and I feel alot better, like not as many feelings of being empty without her. I'm pretty proud of myself with this one. Perhaps, sometimes it is better to fail.

[anwiii 17]

i think you set your test for yourself too high so i don't think you failed really just as long as stronger emotions don't come out of you being a friend. i don't want you to end up on a jerry springer show if you know what i mean also, while you are out with her, you still need to respect her relationship to her husband and i dunno what his thoughts are of you spending the day with his wife. there is a lot involved in this situation that i don't think you are aware of or its consequences...why it scares me a little with you just being friends....but if you can handle that then i'm sure she has a well deserving friend in ya and to be honest, i think the friendship is a GREAT thing. i think you both need the attention given to eachother....so keep us updated....and be honest :Doh! i almost forgot....you may see how messed up her life is, but it's not wise to say that outloud to her hahaha. she may know already that it's messed up, but i doubt she wants anyone else seeing that and even commenting on how messed up it is. she wont admit it, but it will make her feel worse. and why is her life so messed up anyway? she needs to find an appreciation for the life she has or get a new life and get out of the situation she's in if she isn't happy. i hope it has nothing to do with her kids and feeling trapped. her husband maybe?

[Forbez 0]

Sorry, but 11 years? You have no chance mate. Move onto someone your own age.

[CopperZepher 0]

Haha, I found out today it's 12 years. Oh, and all she did when I said her life was messed up, she just laughed and agreed. I know that it's not her kids, she loves her kids, shes had alot of problems with just life, her house, famile (not immediate family) and i know of personally at least 2 times when she came to work crying because of her husband. Also, I'm not exactly spending the whole day with her, she lives a good distance from work, and I'm a 10 minute drive from work, and she's not about to come across 2 (small) towns (about 45 minutes) JUST to have lunch with me, I'll be going on one of my many days off and meeting her when she goes on her hour long lunch, I just can't figure out where to go.... I've met her husband, he's a cool guy, I think he's okay with it...

 

I almost really don't feel as much about her as I was when I made my first post, I'm not saying the feelings aren't there, just that they're less intense. I almost feel less like I need to be with her at all times, but more like... I don't know, I still miss her when shes not around... but when she is, I feel (but cant act upon) being defensive towards her. I'm not the only one around the age of 17 there (if you havnt figured out yet, I mean, adults, and kids working, it's gotta be like a restaurant or other food related things minors can do, it's a grocery store), but like today, I mean, I could NOT get near her!! I'm the Senior among my group (meaning, my boss puts me in charge of them, and I can tell them what to do) but they would not let me work with her, even the new kid! I think she's just got this really attractive look about her, I didn't like her very much when I first started over a year ago, and apparently she REALLY didnt like me, but we've grown to become eachothers favorite (found that out today too). I noticed a LONG time ago (before I even really knew her name) that we work REALLY well together, I mean, our speeds are almost identical, and we can get ALOT of work done in a short amount of time. With alot more people in the store, less want help out to their car, because they feel like it's busy (and boy is it) and other people might need it, but most people think that so we end up with the same person most of the day.

 

Tomorrow (today) is Thanksgiving, I don't have any special plans, I do have to work, but they put me on the dead shift, 2-6, and on Thanksgiving, there will be a total of maybe... 6 customers. She will be there 7-3:30, so I really only get an hour and a half today of her (yeah, thats how i look at my day of work) The past few days, I havn't had much of a chance to talk to her, but I've been working long and late shifts the past 3 days, and being the Senior (not school related by the way, I've been there longest, the other guy is on sick leave for a few months), I (yesterday) decided to take by break a half hour later, when she got off work, so I could walk to her car with her and actually talk, and I expect that today will hold a good few chances for me to actually talk to her!! My break today is at 4, but, being me (I feel proud about that Senior thing haha) I'll take by break a half hour earlier... to make up for yesterday.... *smirk* (read: shes off at 3:30). I should probably stop talking now, but it's kind of hard.

 

I think it's great that you guys have given me such good feedback, I really feel like I've improved upon the situation, I'm finding things (especially since I could be out late tonight) to occupy my mind a bit more. It's nice, all of it.

[CopperZepher 0]

Update: so it's been what? 15 days since an update, its time.I started to visit her on her lunch and we have had some amazing talks. I was trying to figure out where local to take her for lunch and she flipped (okay, didnt flip, but like.....), okay maybe it was more of a "no, you're not taking me to lunch." It took like 3 days of convincing, but I got her to agree to think of something that she considers "really nice" that she would allow me to do for her. And that as long as it was reasonable, I would do it (examples of, thats unreasonbly too high, are "I'm not buying you a house" and unreasonably low are "im not going outside and bringing you a rock."). Today is the deadline for me to find out what that is. I suggested that I could buy her a new phone because the one she has, she cant see the screen and the battery sucks, but she said no.Last week with her, was not so good. Kind of ignoring me, not really wanting to see/talk to me. 2 people from work agreed that she might be tired of me, and that I'm being too over-sensitive. But being my... well over-sensitive self, I wrote her a letter on Sunday. The letter explains what I think of her, how I feel towards her, and so on. I hade a major edit to it, and finally worked up the courage to hand it to her last night. The letter was not supposed to be given to her until my last day at work, I had planned on getting a job at Radio Shack, and quitting the store... but I didn't get the job, so now I'm stuck. But I couldn't go on any longer without her knowing how I feel. I explained that I was not looking for a relationship, but rather someone to talk to and yada yada.. 2 people said it was a horrible idea, good that i wrote it, had a record of it, but bad that i actually gave it to her. a couple other friends said that I did the right thing, and they agree with the theme of the letter "its only fair that you know". I wrote a P.S. in the letter explaining that I would not be quitting and some parts of the letter no longer rang true, but all the stuff about my feelings and all that mumbo jumbo were still true. I got very little sleep (by my standards) last night, and had about 13 anxiety attacks (dont get those often, maybe... once every 4 years?) after my half day at school today, i went down to the store, and after about 30 minutes of thinking about actually going up front and facing her (oh yeah, i wrote in the letter that if she still thinks im a good person and what not, please, call me, and yes, she has my number, but she never called, hence the anxiety and the lack of sleep...). After the "Hi (my name)" it was kind of awkward and i could see tears coming to her eyes... i proceeded to scan my own items, just a fun thing some of us employees do, and it really helped break the ice... she then said "i want you to know it's okay. i didnt get a chance to read it until on my way to work this morning... but i want you to know im not mad, im glad you told me, and i really dont want you to feel weird.." (FYI, this letter was 2 pages long, single spaced, it had ALOT of *BLEEP* in it, and everytime one of my friends would ask "well what if she thinks this??" yeah, it was covered in the letter, and to quote another friend "I think it's written nicely. I thought you got your point across well.... If there's one thing you don't need to worry about, it's that she'll misunderstand something-- everything was written well." he also noted earlier from quotes I had given him that "I've discovered, from reading your quotes here, and your XXXX(hidden word), that you have a really well developed writing-voice." I feel that this letter I wrote, was the best piece of literary genious to ever spring from my head. Back on topic... she pointed out like 4 times that "its okay" "we will talk about this" and "i really dont want you to feel weird."now is the time between all that and when "we will talk about this"... any ideas on what you think shes going to say? anything to be prepared for? she specifically said "im not mad at you".