Chuck Norris Facts

[CroSpartacus 0]

Anyone know any? These things are really hilariousWhen Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever. LOL!

[ZeroHawk 0]

I didnt find that funny at all. Haven't heard of any other ones, either.

[joeysicily 0]

How is this a chuck norris fact. Why didnt you just post is as a chuck norris joke. Really, did anyone even find this funny?

Here are some chuck norris jokes

-Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
-When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
-Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
-Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
-Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
-If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

- Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
- Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
- Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
- Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
- Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

- Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
- Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
- To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
- There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
- There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

- The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
- The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
- Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
- When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
- It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
- Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
- Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
- If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
- If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
- On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.
- When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.
- Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
- Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
- God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
- When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
- Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
- A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
- Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
- Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
- Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
- If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.
- Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
- When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
- Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
- Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
- If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
- Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
- Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
- Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.
- Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your **bottom**, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
- Chuck Norris invented water.
- Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"
- One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
- Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
- Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.
- Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
- Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
- In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.

Notice from jlhaslip:

Should be in quote tags. And I'll edit some of the lines later. The content is a bit 'rich' for some of the members. (younger ones)

[MaineFishing45 0]

Wow... that was a heck of a lot of jokes. My friend has done something like that. And they are really funny, but kinda stupid when you think about them. Childish, but for some reason tons of teens like them? I did not know who this "Chuck Norris" was for a while..

Edited April 14, 2006 by MaineFishing45 (see edit history)

[Sprnknwn 0]

?Why all those jokes about Chuck Norris? ?Is he so relevant in the States? His movies, TV advertisements and Walker Texas Ranger are stupidly hilarious but not so much. And the statements aren?t funny at all. You know, maybe there are 100 there, but anyone could invent another 100 and they will neither be funny.

[Kim 0]

http://www.nerdnirvana.org/ has chuck norris jokes, and lots of others.I'd like to meet Chuck Norris himself someday.

[snlildude87 0]

Yes, http://nerdnirvana.org/ does have Chuck Norris facts. You can view a random one each time you go to a new page. It also has random facts and random pickup lines.

By the way, did you know that Chuck Norris is the only 8th degree black belt (highest is 9th) in taekwondo in the western hemisphere? That's crazy! My teacher is only 7th.

[htdefiant 0]

I find those Chuck Norris facts so funny :lol:They are a big hit around my high school.

[BOAW 0]

yeah ive heard alot of Chuck Norris jokes my friend printed out and brought into school...he mustve had about 3 full pages of them..alot of them to us were actually really hilarious although they were ridiculously stupid, somehow they were just funny in a way. but there are quiet a handfull that were not funny at all

[Shengeta 0]

yea these have gotten so popular on the net, and they wouldn't be funny unless they are about Chuck Norris. haha he is perfect

[MaineFishing45 0]

yea....

[plantacja 0]

# When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.# Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.# There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.# Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.# Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.# Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.# Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.# Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.# There is no chin behind Chuck Norris? beard. There is only another fist.# When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn?t lifting himself up, he?s pushing the Earth down.# Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.# Chuck Norris? hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.# There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.# Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.# Chuck Norris doesn?t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.# Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.# Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.# Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost# Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.# Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship# Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.# Chuck Norris once invited all of the other badasses from TV to duke it out in order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two showed up-- Jack Bauer and MacGyver.# MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.# Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer's arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.# Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.# The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.# Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.# Fact: Chuck Norris doesn't consider it sex if the woman survives.# It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.# Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.# Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.# Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they're always slick with blood.# When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.# Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.# 182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.# Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.# Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.# All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.# If you're driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn't the other way around.# July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? i think not.# Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.# In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease"# Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.# If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.# In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck Norris.# The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.# Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.# When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.# Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.# Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.# Every time someone uses the word "intense", Chuck Norris always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.# As an infant, Chuck Norris' parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.# Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.# Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".# There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.# President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.# Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.# What many people dont know is chuck norris is the founder of planned parenthood. Not even unborn children can escape his wrath.# Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.# Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.# Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.# Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.# The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.# Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.# Think of a hot woman. Chuck Norris did her.# A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his **bottom** twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.# Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.# Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.# Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.# Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.# When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris". It is also known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary.# Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he?s roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.# Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.# There?s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.# A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.# Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.# In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.# Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.# Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.# For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.# In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.# We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

[Tetraca 0]

WARNING: The following text has spoilers. Be warned.

Chuck Norris facts are a plauge on the internet. I can't go one page on the ultimate showdown website without some stupid chuck norris statement. Luckily I haven't seen any for a while on slashdot after a comment on the Ultimate Showdown movie about Mr. Rogers in a blood stained sweater(the one who wins the ultimate showdown)

[Ao)K-General 0]

http://www.nerdnirvana.org/ has chuck norris jokes, and lots of others.I'd like to meet Chuck Norris himself someday.

If you met Chuck Norris, he would Roundhouse kick you in the face. lol. Ya it would be cool to meet him in real life. And if he's and 8th Degree Blackbelt and theres only 9 and your Karate teacher is only a 7 than that's awesome. Don't mess with Chuck Norris.

[iGuest 3]

Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris Facts

 

Replying to joeysicilyChuck Norris beat world of warcraft

 

-reply by Gamertag125