Here's Some Jokes To Make You Laugh A Little. Jokes Jokes Jokes...

[ladyspanky 0]

Notice from googlue:

Moved over to Jokes section from Creativity forum.

hey here's a couple of jokes for you. you could post some jokes too just for fun..Joke #1A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me.Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed."Where the hell have you been?!""Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.""Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!! You went bowling again!!"Joke #2A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day.""Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?""Yeah, my wife..." Edited May 10, 2005 by googlue (see edit history)

[OhMyBosh 0]

The first wasn't that funny, and I heard the second one before. Here's some of my favourite jokes. I suggest you print them out, next time you and your friends are talking about jokes you'll remmeber. Yo mama is soo old she sat beside Jesus in third grade, but the thing is she's soo fat she wasn't even in the same school as him. -- What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?answer: pull the pin and throw it back!--These three guys are dring in a car and there drunck and a cop pulls them over..The cop sais"if u can show me 12 inches of penis ill let u go" so they say ok. the first guy pulls out a 6 inch..the second guy pulls out a 5 inch.. and the third guy pulls out a 1 inch..so the cop lets them go. but the first guy sais ur lucky i have a 6 inch then the second guy says ur lucky i had a 5 inch and then the third guy sais ur luckey i had a bonner..--There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it." I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.-- The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep.Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend."Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."Tonto replies, "Me see millions of stars.""What does that tell you?" asks The Lone Ranger. Tonto ponders for a minute."Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo.Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three.Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.What it tell you, Kemo Sabi?"The Lone Ranger is silent for a moment, then speaks:"Tonto, you dumb-*bottom*, someone has stolen our tent.--A poor gambling couple can not seem to make any money, so they mutually decide that the wife will work the streets at night. So she goes out the one night, comes back the next morning looking really terrible. The husband, feeling really guilty, asks her how she did. "I didn't do bad at all, I made five hunred twenty five dollars and twenty five cents", she says. The husband says,"Wow! That is very good... I just have one question... who was it that paid 25 cents?!" She replies, "They all did".--Three blondes walked into a bar. The bartender asked the first what she wanted. She replied "I'll have a bl." He thought a moment and then asked her "What's a bl?" She replied, "Well, duh, a bl is a Bud Lite." He turned to the second one and asked what she wanted. She replied "Make mine a ml." He thought ok, if a bl is Bud Lite, then ml could be Michelob or something, and said, "OK, what's a ml?" She replied, "Well, duh, it's a Miller Lite." He then turned to the third one and asked what she wanted. She replied "I'll have a 15." He said, "Ok, bl is Bud Lite, and ml is Miller Lite, but I have never heard of a 15. What is it?" She said, "Well, duh, it's a 7-7."--A blonde went to a hair dresser's one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, "I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off." The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."!-- A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"A smart-*bottom* guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."-- It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blond got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. That made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problems with the blizzard conditions. After quite sometime had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll her window down.The driver wanted to know if she was alright as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.The driver said that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to K-mart next.--Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage. About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, "Just three gunnysacks." The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, "Bow-wow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it. Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, "Meow", so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it. Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, "Potatoes."

[ladyspanky 0]

why didn't you tell me that you wanted to see more jokes. okay i'll give it to you. anyways, i have already heard all the jokes you posted. joke #1single bone in her body. "That's impossible!" says the doctor.The blonde says, "No, it's really true. Look!" She then touches her leg withher index finger and screams "Ouch!" Then she touches her arm and yells"Eeeeoooow!" Finally she touches her ribs and can barely maintain hercomposure as the tears start to roll down her face. She says, "See, I toldyou I broke every bone in my body."The doctor rubs his chin, then conducts a thorough examination. "Well, miss,"he tells her, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is,you haven't broken every bone in your body. The bad news is, you've brokenyour finger." joke#2A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags, I've won the lottery!" The husband says, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" The wife yells back, "It doesn't matter..... just get out!"joke#3Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly."Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!""I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "now get some rest and let the poison work" joke#4A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "You know, I've lost my wife somewhere in this huge supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere and I'm tired of looking for her!joke#5A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%.The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.She and her husband were ecstatic.When they got home, the mailman was lying dead on their porch.

[FuChelle 0]

LOL Those are all good. I've heard some of them before, but they're still good. Here's some more...Late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.The pilot's story was that he took off from Las Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airoplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Las Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!" -------------Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.When did you first notice this problem?What problem? --------------In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell are you doing?""Well," said the guy, "I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!""That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?" ------------------One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Smithville wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?"The man says, "Yep, sure do."Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?"The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?""Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

[electriic ink 1]

:rolleyes:Don't think these have been said before but here we go...#1A brunette was on a railway line and she was skipping. Everytime she hit the track she said 26, 26, 26. A blonde came and asked, "What ya doing?"She replied, "Skipping""Can I join in?""Yeah, sure." And they went on skipping. Then a train came down the track and just as the train was about to hit the brunette she jumped back onto the platfrom. The brunette got on the track and skipped again this time chanting 27...#2 Why did the beetroot blush?He saw the salad dressing.#3What did the red light say to the green light?Don't look I'm changing.------------------------------

[iGuest 3]

What do you call a happy cowboy?a jolly rancher!!two blondes were going to disney, they saw a sign that said disney land left, so they went home. on the way home the blonde driving said is that policeman's lights on? the other one said yes, no yes, no, yes, no.get it?

[iGuest 3]

YA MOMMA>>>>>

Here's Some Jokes To Make You Laugh A Little.

 

YA MOMMA IS SOOO FAT THAT EVERY MORNIN SHE WAKES UP BIT BY BIT...

 

 

 

YA MOMMA IS SO FAT WHEN SHE SMILES HER EYES CLOSE...

 

 

 

Just thought that id post these as I had nothing better o do...Lol...Take it easy ..

 

 

 

-reply by Ian

[iGuest 3]

My Fuandandandandandy Jokes !

why are there no mexicans in the movie "Star Trek"?

- Mexican's don't work in the future either !

Why do mexican teenagers walk around school like they own the place?

- Because their dad built it and his mom cleans it !

Why can't mexicans play Uno?

-They always steal the green card .

2 Mexicans are in a car. Who's driving ?

- A Cop .

Why can't mexicans be firemen?

-They can't tell the difference between "Jose" & "Hose B"

Whadd'ya call Mexican baptism?-Bean Dip !!

Theres a maze with a million dollars in the middle - Who do you think would win?A) Easter Bunny .

Santa Claus .

C) A smart Mexican .

D) A dumb mexican .

- D . A dumb mexican . The rest don't exist .

What do you call mexican Basketball ?- Juan On Juan . (This is my favorite !)

 -reply by timmy

[iGuest 3]

Some jokes from Namibia!Here's Some Jokes To Make You Laugh A Little.One day my friend wanted to kill himself but I walked in on him. I saw a rope hanging from the roof but awkwardly tied around his waist. So I asked him the obvious question, "Why tie the rope around your waist and not around your neck?" He replied :"I tried to tie it around my neck but I could not breath!!"

 

 

-reply by KingLeo

 

[iGuest 3]

these jokes are kinda stupid there are three vampires first vampire walks into the bar sits down and said i wanna cup of blood second one comes in sits down says i wanna cup of blood they got there blood third one comes in sits down says i wanna cup of ice water the bartender looks at him and says aren't you a vampire he says ya just give me my cup of ice water so he gets his ice water and pulls out a bloody tampon and says tea

[mamer 0]

Notice from googlue:

Moved over to Jokes section from Creativity forum.

hey here's a couple of jokes for you. you could post some jokes too just for fun..
Joke #1
A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me.
Have you got any talcum powder?" She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty pissed.

"Where the hell have you been?!"
"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."
"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!"

She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!! You went bowling again!!"

Joke #2
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas."

The barman says "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas.

The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

"Yeah, my wife..."

I like those jokes. The nice thing about them is that you try to predict the end as you read but it ends in a way you didn't anticipate.