Living In The Past..

[Crowe 0]

Ok, so here's my stress put in words. I am sorry if any of this offends anyone, but it is a fact that is hard for me to live with on a daily basis.

 

I don't quite know what to say anymore, as this was past, and today is current. But even so as it is the past, I still feel very depressed over this subject.

 

My family life from a very young age was never one that someone would wish for, and even though I lived in that sort of structure, it never for once felt like a real family. Deep down, I truly hate my biological family for all of the problems that they've caused me and I don't think that I could forgive them at all for this. I just wished things were different, and that nothing like this had ever happened to me.

 

Abuse, and the like is something no one should have to endure--no matter who you are. I've dealt with many kinds of it, and for some reason I still wonder why I am here? I try to put it all behind me, and so far it does not help. It is like a silent killer, and even as I try to fight the pain, I have been suffering from it for the longest time.

 

Deep down, I hate my father. And deep down, I still wonder what he is doing at this very moment. He hurt me badly, and since I was the oldest child, I usually got everything thrown back at me. Was it just tough love? No, that wasn't it. I really believe that he hated me for everything that I stood for, and when I was younger I really wished I could have been loved.

 

But I suppose that there is no use in thinking about something like this, eh? I should just throw it all away and be the normal person that everyone wants me to be--not the crazy, and mixed up me. I just wish all of this could have been prevented further, and I actually had a real chance to be happy. My adopted family thinks that I am happy, but that is not true, and they wonder why I want to be left alone all of the time?

 

Well, okay. So this is more of a journal entry than a "vent," but I suppose that's what this forum's here for, right? Am I still living in the past, or am I just putting myself into a distant world full of darkness and monsters? I don't know. Heck, I have even tried to put my life story into the form of a play, which I based it off of the poem that I wrote--someone said it should be on Lifetime or something like that.

 

But, oh well. I guess that's it for now.

[Mich 0]

Sounds like you had one h*** of a childhood. Having lived with an alcoholic father, I too did not have a pleasant childhood. Being the oldest child, I too understand the escape goat one may become in that status. I did, however, find that the only one hurt by living with all the hate was me. Nobody else felt it and thusly I was the only one burdened by the weight of it. You must push yourself to look to the future, ignore the past (as much as possible) and let go of the hatred. Notice I didn't say forgive, but, forgiveness may come with time. You are a valuable person. You have things to contribute in this life. Look, you sought out this forum and expressed your feelings. This in itself is an accomplishment. Think of all the wonderful things you can accomplish if you put your mind to it. If you busy yourself with positive thoughts for the future, thoughts of the past will not have room in your life. You can accomplish most anything, just give it a try.

[Crowe 0]

Thank you. I guess I shouldn't focus everything I do around that, and try my hand at being something other than depressed. I was actually in the process of writing a play based around my life, but I don't know how well it would turn out. I've given the play the title, The Life Eraser, and I have actually finished a poem around it too.

 

Thanks for responding to my post. I hope that I can learn to get on with my life sooner or later.

[sheepdog 10]

Things that are drummed into us, especially in our formative childhood years are difficult to shake as we grow older and become adults ourselves. That you recognise that it is causing you problems is a big step down the road to solving them. You have my sympathies. One thing that might help is to remember the old saying, what does not kill us makes us stronger. When your situation changes and you find yourself in happier circumstances you will have a much deeper feeling of satisfaction knowing what it is like at the other end of the spectrum. I wish you the very best.

[Saint_Michael 3]

At least you recognize the problems that have happen in your family and with that knowledge you could make a changes in your life to make yourself a better person. I would recommend seeking out a therapist to see if he or she can recommend some ways to help release the bottled up frustration you might have about your situation and be able to talk about it and what not. Best thing to is set yourself some goals that will help better your situation without making major changes just like that and maybe if you are improving yourself maybe your family will following in the same foot steps.

[anwiii 17]

oh bud, i am so sorry for your past. one thing that may not help right away but something good to realize that i always tell people is that we are not put on this earth to experience things we can't handle. it's important to realize this and understand this fact.i wont pretend to say that i understand your situation and what you experienced fully. i don't. you were also a little vague.what i do want to say though is when people get hurt by others and there is no understanding why, then it's important to try not to focus on who these people are that hurt you. with all the bad tat anyone can say about someone else and no matter what someone does to another human being, there is also good in those people no matter how hidden that good is that people can't see.one ting to realize is that whatever your dad did to you, it had NOTHING to do with you. it had to do with his own self. you didn't do anything wrong. i know this also may not help, but it's good to realize this other fact.eventually, when you come to understand your situaton better, something that WILL help you is to forgive your father.in the meantime bud, it's important to find yourself. i'm sure there's a part of you that is lost and you need to find yourself. you can only do this by illiminating the b.s. and the emotions of your past by being truthfull to your own self. think long and hard who you are.you seem like a pretty cool guy to me and i have no doubt tat if you work on your issues, you will resolve them over time but don't wait to resolve them because things that people bury could be dangerous in the sense that you have to live the rest of your life out and this buried crap could affect your choices for the rest of your life like it does some people. don't let that happen to you.i say write the play. wether you think it's good or not doesn't matter. write it. will help ya. heck, write some more poems. most importantly, depressed or not, always just be happy with who you are inside and don't ever forget who you are and never let your past dictate who you are.if need a friend, pm me.....good luck to ya bud....

[networker 0]

I don't claim to be an expert on anything but one thingI've learned is to focus on the people you know and things you do now. To try to move forward.To concentrate on them and not the past. Everybody has regrets but you can't let them eat you up. It sounds like your earlier problems were out of your control.There isn't anything you could of done about it then, so justmove on. I know it's easier said than done but soon it will help. Best of luck.