Rantings Of A Broken Heart Relationship down the tube?

[miaka 0]

Greetings everyone that has had their heart broken and is trying to tape it back together.....ever so slowly! Make room for another recovering relationship addict. I didn't think I would ever find myself joining one of these forums but I got curious this night and started browsing through stories and topics about breakup, the pain, and loneliness. I know many people go through breakups and I've talked to countless friends who'd shared their advice and thoughts. I thought maybe a total stranger can shed some light, advice, experiences to help me understand why this is happening as well. Ultimately each individual deals with it their own way and not all relationships are alike or can be solved easily. Its just a part of life. So if I haven't lost your interest yet and your curious to know my story, here it is. The reason that led me to be here on this site on a Friday night. *sigh Icon* It's been 4 months since he broke up with me. We were together for 5 years. The first 4 were great! I wouldn't change a thing. The 5th year I want to say I wouldn't change a thing but looking back as a single, broken hearted gal...I can't help but wonder if I did change some things, would I be in this situation?...no one can say for sure. Its just the post "what if" thoughts that can't be blocked. We were friends first and started dating and it went off from there. It was so easy to fall in love with eachother...which is why it makes it all the harder to leave this behind. He just turned 20 and I was 22 at the time...technically 22 1/2, I was turning 23 at the time. Nevertheless I had the heart and mind of a 20 something college kid too:) I'm asian and he's caucasion from a good family. Though our family life and upbringing were sooo different we both got along really well with eachothers friends and family. Flash forward 5 yrs of b-days, x-mas, family dinners, anniversaries, a trip home to see his grandmas!, his graduation, my graduation, enjoying eachother etc...just before our 5 yr together in May 2008. My guy had moved to a different city for work/school in sept 2008. He was working towards his CA (chartered accountant) certification. He got hired at a prestigious accountant firm and was working hella hours but partying just as hard too. The business world is definitely a different world in comparison to mine as a elementary school teacher. We were both starting our careers but in different cities. I decided to stay for a year for the experience and then make the move to the bigger city to be with him. It was only a 1 hr 30min ferry commute to see eachother. So neither of us thought it would be a problem. First 4-5 months were fine as far as I could tell. I would make the wknd trips to see him since my job allowed more flexibility. I enjoyed making that my weekend get aways. I loved the big city. He didn't come as often since he was trying to get himself settled in. He would come when he could of course to see his family and myself. Suddenly going from being able to see eachother when ever we wanted, it was now only on weekends. It was a struggle for me. I see now that I really had my life focused on us and revolving around him. I know it sounds bad but I did have my own life too as in I went out with friends and had my own stuff going on. But he was the center of it all. It was a struggle for him too I see now. There were times he wanted to socialize with work friends on weekends but was torn between that and me coming over. He would bring me to along sometimes but I always felt he had a thing about bringing me along alot to things which would be easier for him if he went on his own. ouch! I never felt like that. I loved to have him come with me out to gatherings or whatever. But I guess it was a guy thing...maintain individuality. In some ways he seemed to have commitment issues like the bring me along thing, or going on a "couple" trip, yet others he was so committed as much as a person in love would be, bringing me to his home back east to see his grandma's and other side of the family. The LD did make things harder but I didn't think it would help contribute to breakup. We had a couple of fights a couple of months before he dropped the ball on me. It was pretty bad for us since we've never fought over the course of our relationship. It was mostly because I was acting moody because I felt he wasn't paying much attention to me...course i never outwardly said that...I guess because I never wanted to admit that was it. He was enjoying his new life and there was so much going on in his work/social life that i couldn't really be part of as easily as before. Sadley he internalized these arguments more than I did and never really let on that it was affecting the way he thought about our relationship. 2 days after we celebrated his b-day and our 5 yr together he called and said he wanted to break up. Yes I know on the phone. Well lots uncertainty and crying on both ends he came over the following weekend to give his side. I listened and though he's explained them countless times I don't think I fully get it. Is it just me? am I just stubborn? or deaf? or is he just not being clear enough? Each time after wards when we talk about his reasons I think I understand but then I end up being confused a couple days later. I don't think he really has given me a straight up answer. He at first was leading me to believe that it was work right now for him. He had another year or so of this hectic work/study/social commitments that he needed to focus on. He had goals in life that he wanted to accomplish and though he knew I could easily be there he didn't know if he wanted me to be there? The desire to have me be around? I asked if he was seeing someone else or if that was the reason he was doing this. He answered no and after asking him a couple times on later occasions, I do believe him. That may be naive of me to think but to think that after all this time he could potentially lie about that. ...well lets just say if he was all this time that would be the kick in the *bottom* I need to really get him out of my life. He's 25 now, venturing into a great yet hard career, living in a great metropolitan city, and meeting many like minded individuals like himself. I can see that all that is alluring and distractive and enough to change his perspective in his life. I just can't believe that after 5 yrs together he can easily let that go. I don't know if he has really let it sink in to let go...but he must have since he's obviously still not with me right now. He's said on a number of our talks that he hasn't had the time to really deal with our break-up, talking to people or even thinking about it because he's been so caught up with work. I don't know what to make of that. I wonder if he's really thought it through, the consequences of his decision and if this is really what he wants. He says he doesn't know what he wants and that he needed this time to figure it out. Course I'm thinking how you going to figure it out when you don't even have time to think about it....or maybe he just doesn't. About 3 months after the break up I returned from my trip so resolved to fight this, whatever it was, and declare my love, devotion regardless of where he was at. Much to my already beat up heart he was ok being alone right now. It was like breaking up all over again. My new sense of courage quickly evaporated and I left in pieces once again. I said all I could say to him that time and slowly but surely what some of my friends have quoted " he will come back if he wants to" was sinking in. I can only say so much after awhile and do so much that doesn't designate me as a stalker or *BLEEP*y ex. I went from ordering myself not to see/talk/hear from him for 2 months, to a month, to no contact from me as long as I don't do the contacting....if he's in town I tried my hardest to not see him but I failed there....after 4 months I'm relatively ok with talking face to face for a couple of hours. I know he wants to be and stay friends. I even took the intiative and told him not to call me but that lasted 3 weeks for him. I try my best to not contact him or see him...but he's like my drug and I crave a fix. I never screamed, *BLEEP*ed, or did anything dramatic when we broke up though at times I wish and want to....but I know it won't do any good. I don't know what he is to me now....not a friend, not the bf..he's my ex, my dilemma. I wish he would just say that he didn't love me, he doesn't think I"m the one, or he doesn't see a future together. It would kill but its what I need to hear to really let this go. I've asked him this and he just says he can't give me an answer. For me he easily is my love and I could see a future. He's caught glimpses he's said but I guess not enough to change his mind on this. I just wish I understood him. Is it because he's younger than me, he's having a 1/4 mid-life crisis?, is he really seeing someone else, or is he really just need this time to figure it out? and if its the time thing...how long do I wait for?.....I am hoping ..despite how many times I've told myself not to do that, that he will figure it out before its too late. Just to show myself that I"m not going to wait and pine for him, I've even applied to go teach in the UK and would leave in the new year or so thats the idea. I've told him and he said he wouldn't not want me to go, which I knew he would be like that, but then he says something like ...it'll be harder to fight for you if your that far...??!? a couple of times he's said that if he does figure it out that he hopes that I will give him the chance to fight for me.....I don't know what i"m supposed to think. So thats that. Feel free to rage at my naivness and tell me as it is or just give an idea. I'm welcome to anything good or bad. One must hear it all or maybe I have at this point.

[want_a_new_life 0]

I feel for you and your situation. Waiting for someone to make up their mind or figure things out will tear you apart inside and out. I am having similar issues myself.. I'm tired of people saying it takes time! What or who is this "time" and why do they never show there face around me... You sound very strong and i'm sure you will pull through.

[SoulEraser 0]

there's a billion of men out there. how'd u know you wouldn't get along with any of them than this particular man?move on my friend

[iGuest 3]

Miaka,

 You sound like a very intelligent and sweet person and it seems to me from what you're saying that he does want you, but he also doesn't want you. The last part seems to me to be an effort to keep you somewhere as an option but he also isn't willing to make you his choice for a girl friend. You deserve someone who will KNOW they want to be with you as you KNOW you want to be with him. 

 I have also had troubles with my ex-fiance that are slightly similar and if there's one thing I've learned it's the pain of being the one who KNOWS and being with a person who isn't sure. It's so painful to love and adore someone and to be sure about someone who isn't quite sure about you. My heart is breaking right now too and it's been 11 years with him. I love him and I understand exactly what you mean when you say that you feel addicted and being without him is like needing a "fix". It feels like a terrible ache that noting except that person can calm and soothe. My fiance has broken up with me countless times over 11 years and everytime I do let him go he comes back and promises me he's in love with me and that he won't ever leave again, but he always does. I have learned from this, that in relationships like these where we are the ones "in-love" with a person who isn't iin-love but does feel love for us, it is too painful because we are the ones left invest and longing. I would say from experience that you might should just let him go, even if he comes back because I am not sure you want someone who can turn it off like that, because if some by chance he does come back and marries you and you have children, who's to say his feelings won't flip like a switch again later on when you have much, much more invested in a life with him.

I hope all the best for and I want you to know that you are not alone in the broken heart department but it does get better and there is someone out there for you who won't have a moment's pause about how they feel about you for a lifetime, without the flipping-switch emotions.

April

[iGuest 3]

sweetheart I'm going through the same exact situation right now. Well sort of. Me and my ex broke up a week ago and this isn't the first time. We broke up at the beginning of the year because of constant extreme arguing, not getting along, and not being able to agree to disagree. we stayed broken up for about 3 months and it hurt me so much when he completely cut me off, or at least tried to. He didn't txt or call until like a month later and then when I would call back, he would say he was going to call back or something like that and then act as if he didn't have time. So at this point I tried shutting him out. Erasing the number from the phone, deleting him from fb and myspace all the dumb stuff. And it didn't really work on my end. I was still checking what he had to say and who he was talking to and he was doing the same on his end. But one thing that really had me confused was the fact that he kept making attempts to talk to other females that had nothing to offer him like I did. It was obvious that they were messed up in the mind and pathetic but he still came onto them for whatever reason. And that bothered me. But anyhow...So after 3 months, he comes back. Texting me out of the blue, wanting to spend time and wanting to talk. So then after us 'supposedly' realizing that the breakup wasn't that bad and we just had things to work out, and after me telling him I don't want to deal with the same bull I had to deal with before and him just leaving and RUNNING away like before, we give it another go. And this time I made sure to state my biggest issue/worry was him leaving again when times got hard. And what has happened, we ended up going through the same thing again. Now I cant FULLY blame him for being the only runner because there came times when I was the same way, but at the end of the day, I felt that I knew that being together was more important, but I wasnt seeing that on his end. The enthusiasm from when he came knocking on my door trying to be with me and claiming he needed me SO MUCH was starting to fade and it hurt me because that's what I was afraid of most. I was afraid that he wouldn't see the bigger picture when it came down to the small issues that we needed to work on. I always felt that we damaged but not irreparable as did you. But I just don't think he felt that way. So I'm at a loss. What do I do know? do I wait? do I disregard his msgs? do I try to even remain friends? he still hasn't even wanted to talk about the situation and I have because I need some type of closure so I can progress for MYSELF even if he doesn't want to. But I feel like he doesn't want to go there with me mainly because he may feel he doesn't have anything he wants to say or he just wants to move on with all these things on his heart. And I cant live that way, but I may just have to. He's too prideful and that's always going to get in the way of his happiness IMO. I can only pray for him and strength in myself to get through this and so can u. And I know its going to take time to seriously get over this and over him, I just pray to God that I can do it without losing myself in the process. And as much as I know you want to move on and say I deserve better, U felt he was better, and just needs guidance. And that may and may not be the case, but I definitely hope that you can find better within yourself and with someone else.

-reply by unknown