When Eye Candy Turns You Bitter, What Can You Do?

[rayzoredge 2]

So I think I'm depressed. For no good reason, either.I've been becoming a bit more bitter against the whole love scene and women I find attractive in general... this has nothing to do with any of my present girl friends or coworkers, considering the fact that they're pretty much all taken or married. Get this: I get pissed off whenever I see attractive girls. How does that work?My brain reacts strangely, I would say. When I see someone I find attractive, I may stare or I might just do a glance-over to take in some eye candy... you know, be discreet about it. (Not to mention that I'm shy or anything... it sucks.) But after the glance and enjoying the sight, I think to myself, and that's when it all goes downhill. I get pissed off at the fact that I'm shy and I would never approach anyone because I'm a coward. Then I hate myself for being a coward. Then I think about the possibility of actually talking to that particular girl... and then I look at both sides of failing to set an impression (which makes me worried and consequently mad at myself again because of possible rejection after mustering up the courage to try) and actually getting her to find an interest in me. And now we're up to the possibility of dating and hanging out. Things would be fine and dandy as they have been with my ex-girlfriends in the past, but then I start thinking of how all of those past relationships failed: failure to communicate, too much trust, cheating, etc. Then I start thinking about how I've started to lose the ability to find trust and how jealous I've become, how protective I grew to be with each passing relationship and still failing to have a relationship. And that shouldn't be the case, but with my relationship history, it's how I am now, unfortunately: very jealous, very protective, very untrusting. Now who would want a guy like that? It's a vicious cycle of thoughts that drive me deeper and deeper into the hole.Playing on the trust issue, suppose that particular girl would cheat on me or develop feelings for someone else. In all reality, I don't know if I'll be able to hold back and let things slide as quietly as I have in the past. I would probably turn to more violent ways and lash out if something were to happen. That's just something I don't want to deal with again... I don't like the feeling of having been cheated on or being thrown out for the newer, bigger, better model.And of course, there's the opposite side of the spectrum. I'm finding a lot of girls attractive... some a little less, some a little more. And then I question my standards, because I feel like I'm being attracted to just about anyone as long as they're cute, and it's wrong because I'm making the judgment based solely on looks and possible guesses at their personalities. It makes me think that the best relationships bud from existing friendships, because you already know that person, know her interests, know her habits, know what she wants to do in life, know what she does and doesn't appreciate, and in that sense, you can actually fall in love with who she really is instead of just basing it on looks. The best way, in my opinion, is to make genuine friends online, or in class at school or college, or at work. The problem in my case is that everyone in my workplace is married and are 8+ years older than I am; my college is a commuter campus so that it doesn't really leave much opportunity to make lasting friendships (as everyone is doing the same thing you're doing: going to class, hopping to the next class, then leaving for work or any other obligations you might have); and there's not a lot of hope online for genuine relationship potential because you would only be talking to an avatar, seeing pictures, but not ever meeting, living, and being around that person. And once you do... well, let's just say that the last time I tried talking to someone online for a good bit (6 months), flying in to visit and meet her for the first time (she lived a couple of towns away from me, but I was in Germany at the time), and the events that occurred weren't very peachy. So I feel like I'm stuck in a rut, blinded from other possibilities because of how I think as I've expressed here.I'm finding that I'm spending a lot of time with one of my girl friends too, but that's most likely due to the fact that she doesn't work and neither does her husband. I've been helping the family out and trying to keep things sane by helping with groceries, leisure things, and taking them out once in a while for a movie, dinner, or whatever comes to mind. And as always, I've grown to love her for who she is, and I've had some slip-ups in my mind with being attracted to her, even though I know that she is married. Her husband trusts me more than I feel comfortable with... he knows that I won't do anything, and he trusts her that she won't do anything either, to the point where it doesn't phase him when she goes out with me for movie nights and stuff (because one of them has to watch the kids). (In all fairness, I've taken him out too to get him out of the house.) The strange thing is that I feel like I'm getting my... er, jollies? out of taking her out for nights out, treating to dining out and such, and getting her stuff, all because I don't have a girlfriend to spoil, and in that sense, it makes me feel good. It's just strange to me how I find enjoyment out of just that... it might just be a release, and in a way, I feel wrong that I am happy with spoiling someone else's wife.But that just relieves the urge to spoil a girl and getting the satisfaction of knowing that I'm making her happy. I really miss the simple things, like knowing that I'll be living with someone I love, cuddling, watching a movie at home, eating dinner, buying things for her, surprising her, talking to her AS a significant other, etc. I can't do that with the mentioned girl because she's married. No hugging from behind, no kisses, no reserved-for-relationship/love talk, etc. And it sucks. And I'm becoming bitter. Because of all that I've said before about feeling unable to secure a relationship.I don't even know if I'm ready, financially, emotionally, or situationally. This also makes me mad, that I want to have a girlfriend and have prioritized it over common sense. I say a lot of things like wanting to wait until I finish college, or get out of the military for good, or land a good job first before I actively seek companionship. But in all reality, if someone came up to me and I found her attractive and if she used me for my money, I would be content with it, because I feel like I'm that desperate for attention. And it's sad. Pathetically sad. I do some stupid stuff for love and "love." If anyone saw what I've gone through through my eyes, they would say that I'm beyond stupid for some of the stuff I've done. And I know it.I've been wanting to vent that out in a blog, but instead I vent out to Xisto because I know that the mentioned girl would read it. And I'm sure she would be kosher with what I've said here, but I don't feel ready to let her know again that I'm still somewhat attracted to her.

[cangor 0]

Hm man that's a pretty bad situation you're in... and it is sad. But though you're starting to convince yourself otherwise, there are women out there who won't leave you and screw you over but will love you back. And even though you're fearing rejection by women, it's really nothing to worry about... there are plenty of fish in the sea and if she doesn't like you, hey, her loss, but you're never going to find someone if you give up trying! Try to meet someone at church, or at a club or sport you belong to, or whatever. And this situation with your friend's wife, you know it, it's a bad idea...you shouldn't treat her as a surrogate girlfriend just because you don't have one. It's not great for your interpersonal skills, and probably not the best thing for your friend's relationship either, even though they both sound like pretty trusting and chill people. You've recognized all the problems that are happening to you, so now it's time to do something about them.

[rayzoredge 2]

That's the optimistic way to look at it. I know it's my personal issues that are keeping me from throwing this whole thing out the window, but it's so stupid how ridiculously easy it seems to fix and even more stupid how ridiculously hard it is to do something as simple as opening up and talking to people I find an interest in.One problem with your suggestion that I knew would be a great fix is that I don't do any clubs or have any extracurricular activities that would expose me to girls in the traditional sense. Yes, it would be awesome if I could go and meet someone at school, or work, or during activities that I enjoy. Right off the back, I'm kind of set up for failure in this sense, because everyone at work that's attractive - actually, I think it's all of them - are married; I was commuting and will still be commuting to college, which makes meeting people kind of hard because everyone there is doing the same thing: going to school, getting through class, then leaving to go to work... which kind of means a hectic schedule, not to mention less of a chance to actually getting to know anyone; and the only really social things that I do include paintball (which, for girls, will be something that they do with their boyfriends and such), maybe playing mall rat from time to time (but of course I already have my shy bug, plus all the stupid crap that I mentioned above), and... I don't know. I almost want to just pick up a Walmart job just so I can be more exposed to co-workers that are around my age and who I can relate to and such, since that would probably be one of the easiest ways to meet anyone. It would be a stupid move for me to do though unless I wanted to work two jobs as my current job pays well compared to most, and if I work two jobs, where's the free time?As far as my friend goes, it's a sure thing that she's not going to do anything and neither am I, because as much as I want anything, I know my boundaries. It helps out that I really like the husband too... I'm one of his best friends now. I would never do anything to destroy their relationship because I was in that spot once where my heart was ripped to pieces... multiple times. I'm fortunate to have not have experience that during a marriage, but it's still no fun, let me tell ya. You're right that I shouldn't be "using" her as a surrogate girlfriend, but it's like I have all these things I want to do and no one to do them with, you know? I don't know... maybe I'm just a little whacked out when it comes to these things. Who in their right mind would spoil another man's wife knowing that there is no return value as far as that kind of love?

[anwiii 17]

hey bud. i appreciate your post and sharing with us all something personal and allowing the one you have feelings for see it as well. was a pretty well spoken if ya ask me.dunno if you were asking for advice more than just relieaving yourself of the thoughts you keep hidden inside but i have to put my two cents in or i wouldn't be me :)the thoughts and issues wondering if your ready to be in a relationship? nobody is truely ready as a meaningfull relationship will have so much to offer that's impossible to predict everything that will come your way to be prepared by your thoughts and the responsibility of a relationship i saw from you tells me you ARE ready as much as anyone can be. you seem like a good guy that isn't ust thinking selfishly for yourself but the other person that you will eventually become involved with.now, with the fact that you don't go out much and the fact that where you do go, all the single women are unavailable(or could just be your assuming), one place to try is the online scene. 10 years ago it was looked down upon only because others thought it was a desperate act. what i ALWAYS thought was why limit where you may find your soul mate? if limit out the internet, why not limit out church, or school, or work, etc? anyway, i always believe in the possibilities to say the least and online relationships and dating have come a long way in the forms of even being more acceptable.there are a lot of free sites out there to pick and choose from. it's hard to find a connection at first online because you don't see emotion or immediate reaction to your communications, but! there are things you can do if you want to go searching....pictures are important because sometimes you can see something in that picture that goes beyond physical appearance. sometimes a picture tells a story about a person if you look at a picture long enough. second is the profile. you want to find someone that has taken the time to write about themselves. you want to find something within what they wrote that very few people may understand or get but that YOU understand and relate to. this would be a quality important to you i know because you yourself took time and effort in your own profile here when you posted what you did. chat rooms are a great way on those free sites to meet people. just be yourself. even if you end up talking to guys at first in those same chat rooms, at least you're meeting people. that's a great start and who knows....maybe you'll end up with new friends that can be fullfilling too.most importantly bud and i speak from the heart now. DO NOT expect in life. sometimes you have to go with the flow. to expect is to be that much more lonely and depressed on a daily basis. look around to see what the world has to offer rather than what it's not offering you right now. we don't live 100 years to experience everything we need to or deserve in 1 year. if we did, then after that 1 year, life would be just plain boring :Dya got a good heart and those with good hearts are vulnerable and it's easy to take advantage of those people. know yourself so much that you wouldn't change a thing about you even if you are sensitive and more easy to hurt because one day, the right woman will come along to recognize it and help you protect and cherish that part of you.hear me?

[rayzoredge 2]

I like being able to vent in blogs or anything online so that people are GIVEN the choice to read about them or not... in that sense, I don't feel like I'm pulling ears just for the sole reason of making them hear me whine. The thing with expecting is that I'm not really expecting. I think I hear where you're coming from now... it's just that I'm actually not expecting for anything to happen, and that's what depresses me because in that way, I'm expecting a future relationship... I don't know if that makes any sense. Maybe that's what you were getting at... I'm not sure. In all reality, if something happens, awesome. If not, I'm still here and trying to stay busy and distracted so I don't think about these kinds of things. But you can only do so much in that department, ya know?The online scene is a hit and miss for me because of what I've become to believe would be best for a developing relationship, not to mention that it didn't work out as I thought the last time I tried something like it. To try to explain how I think about the whole thing: I think that the best relationships would come out of already having known someone for quite some time, as opposed to going out and meeting people by attraction and a few common interests, dating, "matching" personalities on dating websites, etc. My reasoning behind this is that you would know the person already, and if you're lucky enough, the attraction would be a developing, mutual one. It would be best because you would not only know the person inside-and-out, but also know that person's mannerisms, demeanor, and all the other things that you would catch onto with the traditional dating scene and going onto a website browsing profiles. (Searching online for profiles can also set you up for failure, as most people will only put out what they think others want to hear, or flower up their language, and/or even completely omit parts of them that they don't want you knowing about.) Even the less desirable traits can be overcome with someone you already know because if you are still there for each other in friendship, you've learned to accept that person for who they are.I really shouldn't have this as an arguing point against online dating, but my first and only experience (so far) didn't turn out as sweet as the advertisements would like you to believe. The reason why I joined MySpace was because a friend of mine told me to join up to be able to keep in contact with others, and so I did. During the same month, I was in the military and we went to a 30-day training exercise so of course, I was bored. I went online and searched for girls my age in my area just to see what would happen, then messaged a couple of them that seemed interesting (and attractive, of course). Over the course of the month, I got replies back from probably four of them, three of which were underage (pretending to be 18-21) but one that I continued to talk to who was doing college and whatnot. We talked for a few months until I told her that I was really attracted to her and, well, who she put herself out to be, so we took it to the next step and started talking a little more seriously.Then I planned on going back home to visit her.It was going to be for a week. Her parents weren't going to be home because they were going to Alaska to visit her sister, so she had the house all to herself. I would be there for a week, then go surprise my parents with me being home, hang out for a while, then go back to Germany. Seemed like a simple plan, really.Before this, she was very excited that I was coming. She was going to give me a big hug, yada yada, yada yada. When I flew in, jumped onto the bus, and then met her for the very first time at the bus station where she was picking me up, we said hi. Then we jumped into the car. She was with her friend... and I understand that it was kind of awkward to go meet someone in real life that you've never met before. I didn't expect anything to go peachy keen within a short period of time. It would have been self-detrimental.The first night was probably the best, not because we did anything, but because the whole experience went downhill from there. It was when I found out that she was going to be working a lot during the week that I was here, that she was planning on having some parties, and a couple other things that I would have thought that she would have planned ahead for. Parties are not my thing, but that wasn't a big deal... I didn't tell her that. Her knowing that I was coming in to visit and she not having even tried to lessen her hours that week so that we could spend some time was kind of depressing, but understandable because not everyone would want to sacrifice work hours. (It made sense and it didn't make sense, but hey, whatever, right?) It was okay by me because I didn't want to encroach onto anything, and so that night I slept in the same bed with a girl for the very first time in three years (since my previous girlfriend broke up with me during basic training... yay). (We didn't do anything... or were even close to each other since she had a ginormous bed. But I guess it counts... it was still a good feeling to be close to someone again.)The next day she worked. I sat around in the house all day bored crazy until she got back. Then some of her friends came and helped planned and set up for the party. I helped with that. We had the party, she ignored me most of that night, and I think for some reason I slept alone that night... can't remember why or how.She worked the next day, came back, and cleaned the house from last night only to prepare for another party the night after. We didn't get a lot of time to talk, and I couldn't really help clean the house because she was very particular of where things went and how things were done. So what did I do? I went out and walked the dog.Apparently I wasn't supposed to be there in the first place because she got mad at me for walking the dog in broad daylight where the neighbors would see me and know that I was at her house... and apparently the neighbors know her well enough to know her dog and that a stranger was walking him. So that's when I got the talk about not leaving the house so that she wouldn't get in trouble.Now I can't leave the house.There was a wedding that she was supposed to be at and be a bridesmaid or something, so that was something else that was bad timing with my arrival. One day was attributed with that, and so I was at the house again by myself. I'm a little frustrated at this point because I spent my time and money here only to have been with the person I wanted to be with for probably a grand total of a few hours. And so the phone rang and being bored out of my mind and thinking that it was her calling from the reception I picked it up. It was one of her ex-boyfriend's that she was still really good friends with, and he was calling to talk (because he actually talked to her really often). It didn't bother me one bit since I believe that girls should have guy friends (but I still have a jealousy kick because that's how one of my relationships ended... with that girl cheating on me with her guy friend), but apparently it did him. That night when she got back he called and got mad at her for having "some dude" over at her house, so apparently I was a bigger secret than I even would have thought. It wasn't a good night for her, and consequently, I'm already distancing us before we even really had a chance to get to know each other in person.There was a party the next night, and she invited friends and friends of friends, so there was a lot of people no one really knew. To make a long story short, some "nice" guy that was apparently attractive and built and whatnot came to the party and she was all over him, drunker than a skunk. My jealousy tolerance was gone and I hit the hay earlier that night because I didn't want to deal with it anymore, seeing her all over him. At exactly 4AM, I woke up in her sister's room to some noise. Turns out that "nice" guy was having sex with her and causing a ruckus. I was so mad that I was tempted to kick in the door and get violent, but that stupid "better part of me" told me to just leave. So after a brief argument with her friend (who I respected for sticking up for her), I packed up my stuff and walked approximately 7.5 miles (I measured after) down to my friend's house.The day I left I realized my passport was at her house and almost couldn't get back to Germany. After some fidgeting, I made it.So as you can probably see here, that little incident kind of scarred me inside with the whole meeting-people-over-the-Internet thing. It was a one time thing, and it probably would never happen again, which is why I'm wrong for not wanting to deal with that possibility because of this one occurrence, but at the same time, it's enough to scare me away from it and not want to ever, ever deal with that again. I've been cheated on before but never have I been at the scene. And the worst part is that I don't even think we were anything to begin with. I didn't even get a damn hug. She was never mine and I was never hers... so why the heck should I even care?This, along with several other relationship experiences that didn't end very well in the past is why I am the way I am today. And it sucks.Also, and I don't know why, but I've been rooting for my friends' marriage, as in I'm trying to keep both of them sane and happy so that they can get through the rut that they've been in for what has been quite a while now. The stress is getting to them in some ways more than others, and even the husband's computer fried so instead of having him go nuts (because he's a big computer guy) I actually went out and bought a laptop for him to use. I'm almost tempted to go out and get a new one for her too because it would be so much better than the supposed piece-of-crap Dell that she has now, not to mention that she won't be frustrated with it as much and there would be no inferiority as far as having the crappy computer and whatnot... and during these whole thought processes, I'm thinking with my other, more practical brain: "You're a moron. Stop spending this kind of money, because you're going to go into the hole yourself." They can't pay me back for a long, long, long time... it's just financially impossible. Yet I keep offering things and giving things and whatnot just to try to ensure that their lives aren't further stressed by having to sacrifice the things that keep them sane, like an occasional night out or being able to IM other friends online or not be stuck in the house because they wouldn't be able to afford to do anything. And it's so self-detrimental inside with the fact that I still feel so empty inside when I see public displays of affection... I can't even look at them when they kiss. It kills me. And yet I'm still okay with trying to be that supporting wheel, yet I'm not okay pouring money into something that I know won't net me anything more in a relationship department. It's like I'm being used by a girlfriend who's there for my money, except that I'm the one willing to throw out what I can offer for nothing expected in return. I'm not saying that I don't want to do it anymore. I'm just thinking with my other brain and seeing how stupid it looks to be doing this, especially when I'm spoiling a particular group of friends and neglecting others in that aspect. (I always treat my friends to nights out when I can, but I've never gone to lengths where I've loaned/given this much before.)I don't know. I feel like I'm just going through lengths to make myself some sort of martyr when in all reality I'm just griping.

Edited August 1, 2008 by rayzoredge (see edit history)

[anwiii 17]

well sorry about your bad experience there and that was horrible to bring you in a situation just to pay more attention to some other guy. that's evil.i understand your point in just wanting to get in to a relationship with someone you already know, but if you ust keep believing in that and waiting for that, you might be waiting a long long time and never really succeed in any relationship with someone you have already knows for a couple years.part of being in a relationship and the foundation for a relationship is getting to know that person knowing that you really don't know anything about this person but will work on trying to find out if you're truely that interested in eachother. relationships are work from the start and there are feelings and emotions related to a relationship. you want to bypass it all. in cutting through the b.s. you are missing something good that happens in the formation of a relationship. i'm not saying it's wrong in how you want to find someone you already know, but your way is rare.one reason why it is rare is because while you get to know someone you already know somewhat, that person isn't going to wait a couple years just so you can get to know them. they have lives and some of them want love and affection and will enter in to relationships with others they DON'T know just to get that fullfilling need. you as well have that need, but you sacrifice it when you all these women who are already in your life to find love elsewhere and you are made to watch this sad fact of life while still holding on to your own way of thinking.now although you had a bad experience in meeting this girl, dating is like that wether you meet online or not. this is the learning phase. thank god you learned quickly in who tis woman was that turned out to be not so appealing in person. sometimes you have to wait longer to figure that out and then that's when relationships start hurting. you want to avoid all this i know, but think about if and when you DO meet the right person. are you going to pursue her and go against your current thinking or are you going to watch this woman date others who aren't as perfect. and maybe.....just maybe watch her settle in to a life that wasn't really meant to be.in some ways you set your own self up for this hurt and pain and suffering and loniness. dating, wether offline or online are opportunities. don't let those pass you by bud. take the bad WITH the good you can experience from it all. if you try to illiminate the bad, you set your own self up for something just as bad and it's just substituting one for the other rather than taking the long road and the dedication and patience to date a better wayas far as don't expect, there was a deep meaning behind it. you should stop worrying what you don't have and start concentrating on what you do have. live your life. if love is meant to be, it will find you. but question is, are you going to wait a couple years after you know this person fully to make a move? she could be gone and married by then! women don't want to wait to get to know someone. they want a commitment before that. also, if you wait long periods of time just to get to know someone without making a move, the woman will think you're not interested when she would normally probably give it a chance....but at least you are both on the next dating/relationship level without this waiting period.also, lets say you do meet someone and wait a year or two without a commitment. and you finally know you want to spend your life with this person and this person feels the same and still available. well, you just cut through half of the woman's needs ust for your own beliefs. a woman wants to date and be taken care of. they want romance and love and attention. they want a best friend they can only find from a commited partner. they want flowers wether you buy them or pick them yourself. they want things that they will never have from you if you wait. once you wait a year or two knowing this person is right for you, you just illiminated a big important phase in dating and relationships. your ready to marry this woman probably. you will probably ask her to marry you too because you already know what you want from paying close attention to this woman for a long time now. what if this woman didn't pay as close attention. her needs are going to be directed towards something other than your own.i dunno what i am trying to say other than the fact that i think you limit yourself because you don't want to go through the b.s. everyone else has to go through just to find the right woman. now i know why all the women you know at work are already married or taken. get my point?i was never a dater. i was always lonely. i never really expected to meet someone nor did i ever force that issue by going on a lot of dates. this created a somewhat lonely lifestyle in certain areas of my life. but i chose this path because i know my own self. i knew i would meet someone only because i knew my own soul. i had no choice but to wait and not date and feel lonely in he meantime. there was someone out there for me. that perfect person for ME. i didn't really want to play games with other women by dating and knowing there is something better and fullfilling. the extreme to that was some of my friends thought i was gay haha. far from it. i was attracted to women, i just never believed in playing games or getting too attached before something better came along. i always knew the right person would come and i knew i had to push myself in thinking that it wouldn't be tomorrow. i also had to push myself in thinking that even though i forced myself not to expect, i would be open to all possibilities so when the right person came along, i would know it and i would then know to pursue getting to know this person more. that day didn't come until i was in my mid thirties.....even after i kept telling myself i would marry before i am thirty and i am going to have childred shortly after. well, wishfull thinking there haha. i had to wait even after i was thirty. how depressing. i knew i was to meet someone special. i ust didn't know when or where. and it DID get lonely. guys need companionship too.....and not just the sex part.so this is why i say don't expect. need to try to live a life with what you have rather than the idea of what you don't have or living day to day will be that much harder and lonely. so lonely, some people go searching. i never did. i ust placed myself in situations where i could meet people more easily to allow the chance of my soulmate finding me when i wasn't searching or expecting.i married her two years ago after knowing her 4 1/2 years. it's been fullfilling and hell ever since. fullfilling because she was everything i imagined. hell because she's everything i imagined. meeting the right person or even soul mates is not an easy life because each one wants the best for the other. they have a lot in common and the differences compliment eachother if they learn how to combine the differences. meeting a soul mate means you will always be pushed by the other in the areas you need with personal growth and it sure as heck isn't easy but in the long scheme of things can be very rewarding and complete fullfillment can be obtained in this areamy best advice i can give you is to know your own self and live life with no regret. live it through your own soul that has more meaning than the punishments we put our own selves through. hope you understand. my words get confusing sometimes to others