Tough Breakup

[Cyrus. 0]

First off let me being by saying I know there are 8 million threads just like this one, but I feel like I need some love right now (Ihope you understand).

 

My girlfriend and I just broke up 2 months short of our two year anniversary. I am in a ton of pain right now and don't understand what I am feeling. I'm hoping you guys can help me overcome my pain and morbid feelings a little better than I could on my own.

 

So I just broke up with my beloved girlfriend Jennifer after a close to two year relationship.We met in High school when we were Freshmen and knew each other for close to 4 years before we began dating. Out first date was the night before graduation. I ended up telling her how much I liked her and that I didn't want to miss a chance and that was it, we were together. We had a great relationship at first, we were inseparable. One of our close friends described our love as "The stuff fairy tales is made up of." We were truly that couple that everyone loved and hated at the same time. We were both living with our parents at the time and would spend equal effort to get out and see each other and do things together, it was great. I would send her flowers at work, show up randomly to see her, kiss her passionately, everything I was supposed to do. However, things started to go bad after about a year of dating when we moved in together. We all of the sudden began to see all of the things we hated about each other. Despite this, we pushed on, confident in our love. We were as happy as could be for awhile until, slowly, we began fighting about every little thing. This or that blah blah blah, I'm sure you know the story. Which brings us too the breakup.....

 

 

It was sort of a mutual breakup but right now I feel like I just made a huge mistake. I can't force myself to do anything, I can't even eat. Basically what happened was that we got into a fight last Saturday night over the fact that she always goes out (mainly with her girlfriends from work) and I don't get enough attention from her. I told her this and a big argument followed soon after. She decided to go out anyway that night and I said "Fine, I hope you just don't come back." I know these words were extremely hurtful and I should have kept my mouth shut, but I was really mad. I have a bad habit of saying things I don't really mean when I'm upset. Well she went out and never came back. I figured oh she is just staying out late drinking or crashed at her girlfriends place. So the next morning I start getting worried and text her that I'm sorry, and worried, and for her to please come home. Nothing.... for the whole day, all I did was think about her. Well the next day I text her again because by now I'm in a panic. All I can think is "Please just let her be alive". So finally she gets back to me "I'm staying with my parents and i'm too mad to talk to you right now, please give me another day." Fine, whatever, this just pisses me off even more (not that i'm not relived that she is okay). So the next day she messages me that she is going to come get her stuff, and I am just thinking "meh, whatever she wants". So I get home from class (she had come while I was taking my midterms) and literally ALL of her stuff is gone, not just some or most of it, ALL of it. I start freaking out a little bit but then I see something that just completely depresses me to the bottom of my soul. She left the promise ring I gave her. I'm so shocked that I get upset again. So I go to work early. When I get home I take a shower and go straight to bed. Then I woke up this morning, and it hits me, HARD. "HOLY S!$T you moron shes really gone."

 

At this point i'm hoping everything is just a bad dream and hop on myspace only to see that her status is single and I know it's over. So there I am, laying in bed for 7 hours, just crying and crying, holding our picture against my chest. I'm sorry to sound a little emo here but men do have emotions too. I keep picking up the phone wanting to text her, call her, ANYTHING. I know she still loves me and I obviously still love her but we had broken up once in the past for a day (thats a long story too, but we got over it) and I'm afraid it wasn't meant to be. Also I feel like I need to see her because it's not easy to go from seeing someone you are very passionate about daily to not seeing them in almost an entire week straight.

 

1)So my real question is what can I do to deal with my pain?

2)Should I call her or just let it be?

3)Is it a bad idea to ask to see her?

4)Is it worth it to ask for another try?

5)Why was I ok yesterday and way depressed today?

6)Whats something good to eat when you have no appetite?

7) I'm stuck living where we lived together, how can I make everything not remind me of her?

8) She said she still loves me, what is that supposed to mean?

9) How do I tell my family and friends?

10) I feel like going out with my friends won't help, any alternatives?

 

I know i'm asking for alot but PLEASE I beg you, I need your help badly. I'm in alot of pain right now and have a history of cutting, I don't want to resort to that *BLEEP* again.

 

Edited March 7, 2008 by Cyrus. (see edit history)

[Elessar 0]

Breaking up is really a depressing and hurtful thing. I won't really understand how you feel about it since I've never been in a relationship before but what I went through is different and left me traumatized in a way. Here is my answer to your questions:

1)So my real question is what can I do to deal with my pain?

You can't really 'deal' with your pain. You just have to let go of it. It won't be easy, in fact, it'll be the hardest thing you'll ever do in your life. What matters is if you still have feelings for her, don't hold on to it in the sense that letting it controls your every thought and overpower your will. Trust me, it will destroy you and you will be like a zombie for a month. Try to let it wash over you and let yourself be numb. Accept the fact that she's gone (for now), and focus on other stuff, maybe something that you like, your hobby and such. Like me, I let myself go numb about it and focused on learning programming that after a month I kinda forgot about the whole episode.

2)Should I call her or just let it be?

For now you should let her be. She's probably still mad at you so the best thing to do would be to let her calm down and let things settle for a while. Only call her after some time has passed, probably when you figured she's feeling lonely. You won't be able to know, much will depend on your intuition.

3)Is it a bad idea to ask to see her?

Most of the time it is. She probably will think 'is he that depressed and desperate? That jerk!' or something like that. Avoid seeing her and even if you DO accidentally bumped into her, be nice, be polite and greet her like an old friend. Avoid making things awkward. If she ignores you, smile and pretend it never happened.

4)Is it worth it to ask for another try?

It is always worth it, unless you think its not. It all depends whether you really like her and want things to work out. Maybe she's not the right girl, so who knows. Give yourself a chance.

5)Why was I ok yesterday and way depressed today?

I had these kind of experience too. One moment you'll be laughing watching something funny on TV, next you're crying your eyeballs out thinking of the good times you had with her. You can't do much about this, only way to deal with it is to accept it and let the depression wash over you.

6)Whats something good to eat when you have no appetite?

Porridge? I dunno.

7) I'm stuck living where we lived together, how can I make everything not remind me of her?

You can't. Like I said, accept it and let it go numb first. Otherwise, you WILL always be reminded of her. Make the place less identifiable with the 'place with sweet memory' and decorate it more to your taste. Put up GUY stuff, u know? Like football posters, things that nerd/geek would put in their room. Whatever you like to make the place different.

8) She said she still loves me, what is that supposed to mean?

Of COURSE she does. What this means is that she needs time off until she realises she needs you back. Between this period and the period when THAT time comes, be as nice as you can. But this doesn't mean being all mushy and romantic like sending her flowers and doing all the yucky things lovesick puppies do. Do something mature, i.e. smt that she didn't expect or has never felt before. Try something new. Try being fresh and different, and surprise her.

9) How do I tell my family and friends?

Tell them you're going through a 'critical period'.

10) I feel like going out with my friends won't help, any alternatives?

Hang out with your good friends (guys). If she sees you too close with girl pals, that would seriously ruin everything. Do what guys do, hang out, chill out, be crazy, etc. I mean, do what you do when you were in high school. Let yourself go free and you'll be able to feel okay again and not let the pain stay always.
Edited March 7, 2008 by Elessar (see edit history)

[Cyrus. 0]

First of all, let me say thanks, I really appreciate all advice I get. I don't know you and probably never will, but thank you so very much. Sorry if my thoughts sound irrational, but i'm confused at this point.

#1 You can't really 'deal' with your pain. You just have to let go of it. It won't be easy, in fact, it'll be the hardest thing you'll ever do in your life. What matters is if you still have feelings for her, don't hold on to it in the sense that letting it controls your every thought and overpower your will. Trust me, it will destroy you and you will be like a zombie for a month. Try to let it wash over you and let yourself be numb. Accept the fact that she's gone (for now), and focus on other stuff, maybe something that you like, your hobby and such. Like me, I let myself go numb about it and focused on learning programming that after a month I kinda forgot about the whole episode.

I feel you there but I don't want this to end up like my first girlfriend. I never really dealt with our break-up and I am stuck with all this resentment towards her. I don't want to end up with this girl being like that, she means alot to me in alot of ways and I still want to at least be friends with her if not give it another try. I was numb yesterday, what can I do to get there today?

#2 For now you should let her be. She's probably still mad at you so the best thing to do would be to let her calm down and let things settle for a while. Only call her after some time has passed, probably when you figured she's feeling lonely. You won't be able to know, much will depend on your intuition.

What if she moves on faster than I do? It would kill me if she started dating another guy quickly. Shes like that, she hates to feel vulnerable, I know her like the back of my hand. What if she attempts to move on quickly and I lose my chance?

#3 Most of the time it is. She probably will think 'is he that depressed and desperate? That jerk!' or something like that. Avoid seeing her and even if you DO accidentally bumped into her, be nice, be polite and greet her like an old friend. Avoid making things awkward. If she ignores you, smile and pretend it never happened.

Ok thanks, because it feels like I really want to see her. I know it would probably just end up with me crying like a little *BLEEP*. The reason I feel like I need to see her is that i'm just not used to not physically seeing her on a daily basis. I just want to hold her in my arms one last time, but I guess thats a bad idea.

#6 Porridge? I dunno.

lol

#7 You can't. Like I said, accept it and let it go numb first. Otherwise, you WILL always be reminded of her. Make the place less identifiable with the 'place with sweet memory' and decorate it more to your taste. Put up GUY stuff, u know? Like football posters, things that nerd/geek would put in their room. Whatever you like to make the place different.

It's about more than that. I have to sleep in the same bed we've always slept in, watch the same tv, sit on the same couch, eat at the same table, cook in the same kitchen. Every time I look around and shes not there, it tears me up. Maybe I should try rearranging some things? Would keep me busy and maybe help out.

Thanks Elessar, you're my current hero.

[Cyrus. 0]

I still need help guys I'm freaking out. I went out with my friends but I keep thinking of her all the time. I can't work, focus on school, drive properly, anything.

[Inhuman 0]

I haven't read the rest of the thread, only the OP, so if I repeat anything, sorry about that. Also, keep all sharp objects away from yourself right now.1. Music can help with the pain. Personally I'd go for some metal to get the adrenaline pumping, but that's me. Really, listen to whatever you want that won't really remind you of her.2. I'd say wait until Sunday night (the 9th...I dunno your local time.) to call her back and try to talk to her. For all you know, she could be equally, if not more upset than you.3. Nope. You should probably tell her that you miss her (which you do).4. It wouldn't hurt...I mean, you'll never know unless you ask.5. Maybe you were in shock. That's really not one of the key issues right now. <_<6. Food....hmm....um, maybe some breakfast type food (pancakes, waffles, french toast, back, sausage, eggs....).7. Yea, you're screwed on that one. Sorry to say it, but since you're living there, you will be reminded of her. You need to hang out with your fiends ASAP.8. Exactly that...and there's a glimmer of hope for you yet. If she still loves you, maybe she will listen to reason and come back. This can also mean she's upset about the break up as well.9. Tell a few trustworthy friends now and wait for the family....then again, that clashes with the whole talking to her on Sunday...so um, if that doesn't work, tell a few friends and see if they want to hang out and get your mind off of her for a while. Tell your family like next week or so, so long as talkin with her doesn't work out.10. It will help. If you're close with them, you'll be able to rely on them to pull you out of this funk. True friends are cool like that.

[iGuest 3]

Someone in the same boat...Tough Breakup

hey man I just want you to know that your not the only one feeling the way you are.  I was with my girl for a year and 2 months. We had been through everything together and made it. She told me one day she couldnt handle it anymore and that was it. She said she still loved me and that we would get back together one day. Yeah that made me feel good but I'm going through the exact same thing you are. I hate life right now man I cant stand to wake up in the mornings. I understand what your saying about going out and stuff and how she is all you can think about. I wish and hope things get better for you man I wouldnt wish this on my worst enemy. Feel free to talk to me because it makes it easier knowing somebody is going through the same thing as me. 

-reply by Zach

[africa 0]

I still need help guys I'm freaking out. I went out with my friends but I keep thinking of her all the time. I can't work, focus on school, drive properly, anything.

Find something you really enjoy doing mate. going back to her will prove and expose your weakness.

Be a man and live through the pain. Time heals everything and then in the future when you have everything..your emotions, ect in check...approach her and have a chat.