Very Hard Decisions

[syncn21 0]

I have been dating a wonderful girl for the past 4 months of my life. She is so good to me, we get along well, have similar interests, and until now I really believed she could be the one. I actually moved back home to go to college here, mainly just to be with her. I felt as if she was too important to pass up. We've already talked about marriage, living together, children, and etc. I am 21 and she is 19, but we are both very mature people about our futures, and want to start a family. When I met her, I had a case of molluscum contagiosum, and in the time that I had to deal with it, it nearly ruined me. I have only been with two girls in my life (including her), and when I caught it, it was not through sexual contact with someone, I somehow had to have touched something infected somehow, it wasn't my fault, which made it even harder to deal with. I was very safe with her, and ensured that she could not contract it, and she never once made me feel badly about it, she trusted I knew what I was talking about, and never once questioned her desire to be with me, even after a short time spent together. She was amazing about the entire thing.Now, however, for the kink. I had a scare a couple of weeks ago where I thought that I was having another molluscum outbreak. I was breaking down, and expressed to her that I felt as though my condition was something that she had to deal with, and I just wished to be normal again, to have my perfect health back once again. She continually expressed to me that she did not feel that way, and would be with me through anything and everything, which made me feel better. She then confided something in me in an attempt to make me understand her empathy, but instead it did nothing but terrify me. She explained to me that as a baby she ruptured a cold sore on a family member's face, and through auto-innoculation spread the virus to the area around (definitely not on) her genitals. Unlike normal hsv-1 cases in that area, she has only had one outbreak her entire life, 4 years ago, where she was finally informed by her parents of her condition. Of course she was floored, upset, confused, etc. However, through various factors of the case, her doctors assured her that in her case, there was no way she could transmit the virus asymptomatically, and therefore was her choice to bring up in future relationships. She carried on one serious relationship before me for a year and a half, and her partner of that time never contracted the infection. Of course I go home and google the life out of it, until I come to my own ignorant conclusions that, although minimal, I am still at risk of contracting the infection.I am ashamed of my reaction to all of this. This has made me understand what kind of person I really am, and I am very disappointed in myself. This girl is one in a million in terms of sweetness, loyalty, caring, selflessness, and understanding and her condition and any negative quality I see in her, I realize is not her fault anymore than it was my fault that I contracted molluscum. The only difference is that mine was for a year and half, and hers is for life. She is everything you could hope for in a companion for the rest of your life. Instead however, it is doing nothing but causing my self conscious to find as many reasons as possible to not want to be with her. When I think about it, I find that I am not necessarily scared of dealing with the infection, but instead I realize that regardless of what relationship I am in, I want to feel I will have the ability to leave the relationship in as good of a condition as I was when I began. I think about having to date again and explain to possible partners that I have hsv-1 for the rest of my life. I feel that I don't have the sense of duty to someone when I say "I do" because in the back of my mind I just say if things get bad enough, I can just leave.So essentially I am afraid of being stuck. That my condition, much like getting a girl pregnant, will directly influence my decision to stay with them. So then I think would it really be so bad to be stuck with this girl? The answer is undeniably NO. That honestly, making the conscious decision to be stuck could be the best decision I make my entire life. Somehow I was accepting (and even excited) of the idea of being with her forever, until something occurred to me that would cement that eternity even further. I then think of all of the aspects of the future, and realize how vain and selfish I really am. I consider things like should she become overweight like her mother, how I would react, and it causes me to obsess over the tiniest imperfections of this beautiful 4'11" 100 lbs. petit girl who eats healthy and exercises regularly. I still envision her getting larger and larger until my physical attraction to her dwindles, and because of our shared condition, I won't be able to leave. I HATE that I think about it, that it is a determining factor for me, because I would despise anyone telling me this story, saying that they are taking these things into account. I can't stand myself, and wish that I could just turn that off because I realize that ultimately things like that won't be nearly as important as the bond, connection, and friendship of a lasting long term relationship, if it should ever become an issue at all.And so through the past couple of weeks since she told me, I have been up and down so often that I can hardly concentrate on any other aspect of my life. At certain times I am resolved, and confident that I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl, and then it could no shorter than 20 minutes, an hour, or several hours when I feel completely different. That my head has two different versions of me, and that they are constantly combatting each other over the state of my future, and what will ultimately be important to me. I am going into therapy over this, regardless of the outcome of the relationship, and I feel that my problem is that I know what kind of person I want to be but that I can't be that person unless I really concentrate on what I am doing and thinking about. That my initial reaction is to be a vain, selfish, and superficial person when considering the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. I realize that the chances of me being with someone who is physically appealing for the rest of my life, or even the chance that I, myself, will always be that way, are not likely and can not be predicted regardless of who it is, or what their genetic history is. I also realize that this should not be much of a determining factor in a mature person's decision.I want to make this work very badly. I want to be proud of the decision I make to believe in this girl, stand by her, and promise to be strong through thick and thin. I want to be able to think about the possibility of any negative situation and being steadfast in my resolve to stay with her. I want to be able to take a chance on her, because she deserves every bit of effort I can put into this, but I feel that I may not be capable of doing so, which has caused me to break down at least once everyday since this began. I care about her so much, and really believe that I love her, but i'm scared i'm going to ruin it through my worry. I don't know either way which decision will be best, or if there is a best decision in the long run since your future is never guaranteed (and generally nothing like you imagine) to be a certain way you perceive. I believe that there is an aspect of anyone's life that says do the best you can with what you're given, and believe that is what you're supposed to do. Well i've been given this situation, and I don't know what to make of it. Maybe I am just too young to handle this, when my body and hormones still tell me that sex is king and that any risk of losing that possible freedom is a mistake. Maybe I just don't understand myself at all. I do know that I am a good person on the surface, but that I have a shallow person within me. Either way I have a monumental decision to make, and I desperately need some advice or input. Please help me.

[techclave 0]

that was one of the longest message i have read in a forum.... your case is very interesting indeed.i can understand your situation and you have come out to ask advise from other people. This itself is a very good sign of your maturity. There is nothing more than Love in this world. I beg you not to leave your love for the sake of cold sore. after reading your post, i googled it up and went through many sites detailing about this cold sore. I found that most of them has mentioned that cold sore is not totally curable. but, it is given that it can certainly be reduced and risks of spreading can be greatly reduced using certain medications. Even there are certain medications to prevent its occourance. Certain home remedies are also specified there....The best thing i can tell you is to continue your relation. get her to a very good doctor and get her treated. atleast you can reduce its intensity for sure. it is seriously silly to throw away your love for the sake of this disease. to add to it... sex is not everything. it is just a part of your life and it is holy. don't take it as a reason for falling in loving. your case of molluscum contagiosum is also completely curable. dont worry about her leaving you for that. tell her you love her very much. you had mentioned that she is very caring and loving. if that is the case, then she will understand. and keep reminding her that you love her very much. she will feel safe and secure in that way and her case will eventually subside.... best of luck for your life! God bless you!