Help! I'm Still In Love... Im still in love with the man I left... and its been nearly a yea

[sarahscope 0]

In October last year I broke up with my long-term partner, of almost four years; we didn?t live together because we couldn?t afford to but when we were together we were happy. Our relationship for the most part was good; we had our ups and downs of course and he was slightly over possessive but in a ?good? way. He was my first, he made me laugh and we were totally happy, he treated me well and he made me want for nothing. We were extremely serious, planning our future together.Unfortunately, he went through some emotional issues; if I went into them I think would be unfair on him so I wont. But they affected him badly, resulting in him being reclusive staying inside for about three months, only going out of the house with a member of his family or myself; and jumping at the sound of a car pulling up outside his house or the phone ringing. It was awful but I stood by him through everything. When eventually he did come round he became gradually paranoid, I was unable to go out without him calling countless times and demanding to know where I was even though we didn?t live together. He would call four, five or six times day if not more.One night I went out to the pub with a male mate of mine. Nothing more than a few drinks but he called me about four times in the space of two or so hours. I wanted to stay longer than the person taking me home but I couldn?t drive so I decided to stay with this same male mate of mine. I called him to let him know where I?d be. He got furious saying that I was a w**** and should just go off and sleep with other people. I was distraught and went home.He was apologetic the next day: flowers, chocolate, the works ? that?s what he was like. But he?d upset me so much and I was so fed up with his constant paranoia that I ended it. I never told him I didn?t love him, just that I was finding it difficult. I thought he?d be happier as he was moving away to study anyway and I thought he could move on from all the strife we?d suffered over the last year or so with his personal issues and upset. I genuinely thought he?d be happy.But the calls never stopped, they?d died down to three or four a week but I was still getting them. It took me four or five attempts to get it through to him that we were over. His mum told me that, for months he thought we?d get back together.Eventually after finding a new boyfriend the calls began to get increasingly annoying and my partner was getting annoyed. I told him I didn?t love him anymore, which wasn?t true, just to get him off my back.I was with my new partner for six months before he ended up physically attacking me. The first person I wanted was my ex. I was upset and I knew he would no what to do to comfort me. But he wasn?t there. During the next week I took two painkiller overdoses, and both times I was admitted to hospital overnight. I wanted my ex there.Its been a couple of moths now, and I?ve been with other men only a purely sexual basis which is good for the self-confidence I assure you; but all I think about is him the entire time.Meanwhile my ex is happy; he?s met someone and is moving to the other side of the world to be with her. And I am happy for him. He?s coming back to the UK soon but only for a matter of weeks. Then he?s going again, forever!Should I see him again before he leaves for good? Someone asked me which is worse: seeing him and knowing you want to be with him? Or never seeing him again? the latter is heartbreaking but I wanted him to be happy; and now he is. Thing is: I don?t think coming back on the scene is going to do anyone any good. But I?m still in touch with his folks, and they don?t like this new girl in his life at all. She?s rude, inconsiderate and wants nothing to do with his mum. This girl stops him from emailing me and she?s called me names that his mum refuses to repeat on principle. She doesn?t even know me. People weren?t keen on him when we were together but I still stand up for him even now a year on. He?s run away to the other side of the world but I?m still picking up the pieces of the past. That?s what hurts the most, that he has so little respect for me that he won?t stand my ground as I do for him. The guy I was with six months would get a sharp tongue if he said anything ? but she?s allowed.As I?ve said he is the past, I know that. And we split up for a reason. But a year on I?m as in love as I ever was; and he?s always on my mind in everything I do, I ask myself daily; what would he do?I?m off to see his parents tomorrow over five hundred miles away. I?m so excited because they?re like part of my extended family. And so is he. He?s in my heart always and I want him back with me again.Do you think I should meet with him? If I do, do you think I should tell him how I feel or end up regretting it for the rest of my life? Should I only tell him if a ?moment? arises or he brings it up? He?s happy which is all I ever wanted. But I want to be happy too. Is it a case of if you don?t ask you don?t get?An urgent reply is required please?Thank you,Sarahscope x

Edited August 28, 2007 by sarahscope (see edit history)

[rayzoredge 2]

I'm sorry to hear how things have turned out.I think that you should go ahead and meet up with him just to catch up for old time's sake. You may never have him as a lover again, but wouldn't you rather have him as a best friend at least? (That's been something I pathetically believed in: have them as friends forever than love and possibly leave them forever.)It's a delicate situation: see him and possibly regret it, or not see him and always think of the "what if?" I say you give it a chance and at the very least see him. You'll know what to do next when you do see him, I would think.Sometimes we can't win it all. I hope that isn't the case here.Good luck and best wishes.

[TikiPrincess 0]

The two of you shared something very special, not just because he was your first, but also because you supported him through a very difficult period as you described it. It's a bond that you'll always have. Based on what you've written in your post, however, there seems to be a good deal of co-dependency in your relationship. Possessiveness is never good as that lumps you in with all of the other things he "owns." For him to become paranoid like that, to become possessive of you and calling you so frequently, shows a great deal of insecurity that needs years of therapy to even start to overcome. Your admittance of sleeping with other men purely on a sexual basis reveals certain insecurities that you need to deal with. I'm a big advocate of sex, I think it's a wonderful thing, but sex without emotion is empty and unfulfilling in my opinion.It seems to me that you probably both have issues that you need to discuss with each other, but rekindling the flame doesn't seem like the best idea right now. There's no doubt that he's left an impression on your soul and he's inextricably a part of your past and helped shape who you have become, but maybe it's time for you to discover who you are as an individual, without his influence. Knowing yourself is one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself and your partner, whoever that may be.

[kuuldot 0]

First, You have to get a grip of yourself. You want to kill yourself for someone who is already onto someone else? C'mon, no one should have to do that. Yeah u had something great with him but if u want to see him, do something constructive. Please as much as your heart is filled with love, you've got to allow rational, logical and constructive judgement.U guys had something beautiful. He got too possessive which went wrongly and you took off. You had to do what you did then to save yourself emotionally. Razor said meet him, I agree... but we all know what might happen. Is he coming with his new girlfriend? If he is, u will make things uncomfortable for her without trying to. You might also not feel too comfy either. Prices you have to pay to see him.Do not use this occassion to let him know about your continued feelings for him except he brings it up somehow. My guess is he could not possibly have gotten over you yet and he is trying to bcos he feels you are over him. You've still got a chance but dont force it...let the opportunity present itself.If there is no opportunity to let him know at this time, well, try and get his e-mail/postal address or something and explain there. He's got to know how u truly feel. It may not sound so effective but if u want to get this off your chest, you've got to let it out right.Another thing, you should be prepared to move on if it comes to that... life goes on . . . love will come again if u will but give it a chance.Goodluck!

[sarahscope 0]

The two of you shared something very special, not just because he was your first, but also because you supported him through a very difficult period as you described it. It's a bond that you'll always have. Based on what you've written in your post, however, there seems to be a good deal of co-dependency in your relationship. Possessiveness is never good as that lumps you in with all of the other things he "owns." For him to become paranoid like that, to become possessive of you and calling you so frequently, shows a great deal of insecurity that needs years of therapy to even start to overcome. Your admittance of sleeping with other men purely on a sexual basis reveals certain insecurities that you need to deal with. I'm a big advocate of sex, I think it's a wonderful thing, but sex without emotion is empty and unfulfilling in my opinion.It seems to me that you probably both have issues that you need to discuss with each other, but rekindling the flame doesn't seem like the best idea right now. There's no doubt that he's left an impression on your soul and he's inextricably a part of your past and helped shape who you have become, but maybe it's time for you to discover who you are as an individual, without his influence. Knowing yourself is one of the greatest gifts you can give to yourself and your partner, whoever that may be.

I guess sarcasm doesn't come across as well as I thought re-reading what I wrote... sleeping about was the last thing on my mind... I feel destroyed and used...

But thanks to everyone for your replies... everyone has a different POV. Its about three weeks til he's due back but he says he might have to stay a little longer... thanks again...
Sarahscope x
Edited September 3, 2007 by sarahscope (see edit history)

[Lyon2 0]

I am sorry sara you had to live this but if you love him i tell you to fight for him, with a limit of course, you must be happy too, and my advice is that you will have to make a decision, to fight for your love no matter what or to let him go seperate, nonetheless you will suffer either way because love hurts.Give him a last chance, but give him if you in fact see in him strenght and hope to still create your future.Go see him, give him a last chance and tell him everything that you feel about him, specially the most profound feelings which are harder to tell to anyone, specially to someone that you are closed now or almost.Good luck

[odomike 0]

You know what sarah? Your story sounded somewhat like what happened to me only that I, as the guy, got the boot and the girl has never bothered to come back to her senses (been about four months+ since we literally broke up and coupled with her mom worsening the whole thing by telling me all sorts of things, I never bothered to call her again. Infact, I literally cut her off 'cos of hurt and the feeling that I have been used). Well, let me give you my own analysis of the whole thing the way I see it.

 

sarahscope[/b] Aug 28 2007, 11:53 PM]

Unfortunately, he went through some emotional issues; if I went into them I think would be unfair on him so I wont. But they affected him badly, resulting in him being reclusive staying inside for about three months, only going out of the house with a member of his family or myself; and jumping at the sound of a car pulling up outside his house or the phone ringing. It was awful but I stood by him through everything. When eventually he did come round he became gradually paranoid, I was unable to go out without him calling countless times and demanding to know where I was even though we didn’t live together. He would call four, five or six times day if not more.

In my own case, it wasnt some emotional issues like your ex. It was more or less some hardships that has to do with going bankrupt and having to depend on my ex to help me out and sustain me. She did stand by me then, but I guess that she, Like you, got fed up. You know what? Sometimes, I really do wonder at women...the way they reason and what goes on in there heads. You see a girl and she likes you and tells you all sorts of good things and the next moment, she starts telling you that she is fed up and dont wanna be with you again. Well, I guess God has created them the way he did and there is nothing we can do to correct that.

 

Like your Ex, I am also the possesive type. let me tell you something Sarah, THE ONLY REASON WHY YOUR EX. WOULD BE CALING YOU FREQUENTLY IS MOST LIKELY BECAUSE HE IS SCARED OF LOOSING YOU. You know, there is one thing I generally tell my ex the time she started behaving somehow, it is a saying that goes this way..... "IT IS ONLY THE PERSON WHO IS MORE HUNGRY THAT WOULD EAT AND HOLD ONTO THE POT". Literally, it means that you try to hold onto that thing that means a lot to you because you are scared of loosing it. Like the very hungry person, who tries to hold onto the pot of food because he doesnt want the other person to make away with the food, you ensure that you struggle to hold earnestly to whatever it is that you love so much.

 

Back then, I would generally, like your ex, call my ex more than 6 times pre day. I have, on some occassions made a more than 2 hours non-stop call to her in a bid to ensure that everything is alright betwen the 2 of us. But, you know, like the saying also goes... "PEOPLE DO NOT VALUE WHAT THEY HAVE UNTIL THEY LOOSE IT". This is exactly what is happening to you now. You want him so badly right now, but it was still the same you that rejected him back then because you thought that he was bugging your life[/b]. It just escapes my imagination to really understand women and their way of thinking.

 

He was apologetic the next day: flowers, chocolate, the works – that’s what he was like. But he’d upset me so much and I was so fed up with his constant paranoia that I ended it. I never told him I didn’t love him, just that I was finding it difficult. I thought he’d be happier as he was moving away to study anyway and I thought he could move on from all the strife we’d suffered over the last year or so with his personal issues and upset. I genuinely thought he’d be happy.

 

Well, you wanted him to be happy and now that he really is happy, you want to go back to him again. What is happiness and what is love? Can someone please answer me that? This was exactly the same thing, the same reason that my ex was giving me. She would tell me... "Mike, I know that you would not understand the reason why I am doing this at this moment, but I promise you that when you do, you be happy we split. I just want you to be happy and nothing more. I wouldnt like it if I come to know that you did something rascally because of me."

 

Now can you please imagine that? You want me to be happy while on the other hand, you are just about to make me as unhappy as I can ever be. Like I said before, only God knows why he created women the way they are.

 

 

But the calls never stopped, they’d died down to three or four a week but I was still getting them. It took me four or five attempts to get it through to him that we were over. His mum told me that, for months he thought we’d get back together.

Eventually after finding a new boyfriend the calls began to get increasingly annoying and my partner was getting annoyed. I told him I didn’t love him anymore, which wasn’t true, just to get him off my back.

 

I was with my new partner for six months before he ended up physically attacking me. The first person I wanted was my ex. I was upset and I knew he would no what to do to comfort me. But he wasn’t there. During the next week I took two painkiller overdoses, and both times I was admitted to hospital overnight. I wanted my ex there.

Like your ex, I kept calling my ex, even after we split, in the hope that she would come back and everything would be fine (which never hapened anyways). well, finally you were able to get him off your back. You called his calls annoying when he was somewhere wallowing in hurt and want of you. And now, because you have been physically attacked by this boyfriend of your, you think you still love him. Let me ask you Sarah...

 

PUT YOURSELF IN HIS SHOES, DO YOU THINK YOU WOULD WANNA ACCEPT BACK SOMEONE WHO TREATED YOU THE WAY YOU TREATED HIM?

 

I bet the answer would be a NO!!!

 

Sometimes, we need to put ourselves in others' positions to be able to really understand what they are passing through. Well, I tell you what Sarah, he might want to see you, but he would definitely not want you back, because of the way you treated him...I might be wrong though 'cos everyone aint the same and we all dont reason the same way. But, if you would do something like that to me, personally, I would not want to have you back, irrespective of whether I still love you or not.

 

Right now, I still love my ex and at times, it gets so much that I would wish she would come back, but still, somewhere at my subconsciousness, I dont want her back. Reason...YOU CANNOT WASH OFF THE LEOPARD'S SPOTS.

 

If I continue, I bet I am never gonna stop in my post. Well, I wish you as much good luck as you wish yourself. Only remember one thing...WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND.