I Want To Explode (i cant think of a better title, change it for me if you want)

[master_bacarra 0]

ah yes! the great vent! i have forgotten about this one. i'm currently trying a lot of stress reliever right now so that i won't shoot at any random people i just meet on the street and probably lessen the burden i'm having right now. it has been a long time since i've started my own topic, and i think this one would be a great topic. i beg for you to reply a sensible post, not just some one or two lines telling me to chill, because it won't work. i might end up throwing you a tantrum.i've had a rough week last week and had the best week-ender ever (sarcastically speaking). i only have less than three months left (probably around 2 months, i think) before this semester ends. i have a lot of acad stuff to do especially with my thesis. the completion of every subject is essential for my graduation, because i'm graduating at the end of the semester. the pressure starts to set in, and the people around me are starting to budge and make a fuzz about me graduating. when you have all these things happening at the same time, it could mean riot.i've had the worst rating from my thesis professors last wednesday from the demo of our application. i assumed that we were already around 50-60% done on the specifications of our application, but i was surprised when he told us that what we have done wasn't enough, that there are still a lot of specifications to do and that we're still less than 50% done. i was shocked because those specifications that he mentioned were not in the proposed plan and he just explicitly stated that during the demo. but that wasn't the problem. after the demo, my thesis mates had these disappointed looks on their faces, as if they were blaming me or something for the apparent failure. i just want to clarify to all of you that the prototype that we presented during the demo was made by me (again... just me). sure i could take the blame for the application not working well as it should, but for them to act as if it was all my fault, was like hitting below the belt. i can't fight them because they're women, so i feel like i just have to keep all the hurtful effects done by them glaring at me for myself. i was even more hurt when they act as if they were trying to make me look like a boss, trying to boss them around, when in fact i am not. i made it clear that i wasn't the team's leader nor did i wanted the position. they just assumed that it was me because i was the one who sets up all the meetings that we've done and the plans that we've conjured. during the development phase of our project, i was encouraging them to do some coding on their own so we could progress a bit faster, but all they could say is that "my computer at home is too slow. i can't work well with that kind of slow computer", that's why we do overnight sessions in a place provided by our thesis professors, and work with the computers there. the problem is that, they only do overnight sessions when i schedule one, or we plan on it together. they don't do overnight sessions if i don't go with them (i can work at my home pc with no speed problems, that's why i don't choose to do overnight sessions that much). with that, the development process slows even further. most of the progress comes from me.here's what's bugging me even more, they were acting as if i wasn't sharing any information about the codes that i write, when in fact they can question me all they want about the codes. i've given them copies, and they could ask me if they don't understand something about the code. i think it's fair that i get to be blamed if the program doesn't work properly since i've coded most of it, but for them to act as if they have nothing to do about it pisses me off. i'm trying to be as calm as ever since things are going to get rougher for the upcoming days. but this thing is really disturbing me so much.my other problem involves my parents (and probably relatives). they have become even more giddy when it comes to me graduating. they all have these expectations that are so high, i don't even know i can reach it. when i realized i won't be graduating on time (meaning i'm supposed to graduate last year, but because of a problem three years ago, i will be graduating this year), they got mad. my dad even gave me the worst cutting remark ever. i think i understand the part where they have the right to interfere with what's been happening in my life especially that i'm living under the same roof as them, and that they're the ones who are giving me all the financial support, but sometimes, they interfere too much. they are already setting some stuff, like how they hope for me to work abroad to be able to send money to them or let them migrate to other countries, or just hoping for me to get a high-paying job once i graduate. i appreciate the concern and the goals they want, but i feel like it's too much. i know that responsibilities are part of growing up, but they're putting too much upon me. and to think i haven't even graduated yet!with all these stuff integrated, and with just a few months left before i graduate (i hope), the pressure gets heavier and heavier. all these things are already getting into me and is already clouding my judgement. i'm trying my best to keep cool and having a positive attitude, but i'm really full inside, i feel like i want to explode.

[husker 0]

Wow, that really is tough. First off, I'll start with your parents. Your parents want you to succeed as you probably know. They know what you are capable of and have high expectations. Every parent does it. No matter what happens, they will still be proud of you. Even if they don't show, they still are and will always be. If you don't get this project done that you are working on and aren't allowed to graduate, you should let them know that you tried incredibly hard and it's not your fault. You might even want to tell your professor that your partners and doing nothing and are providing no help. They respect you as a leader probably because they trust you and know that you are smart (which is good). The problem is, they think you are capable of doing this by yourself. An extreme action you could take is say, "I'm not going to work on this anymore, you two finish it." This will scare them and if they are smart, they will start helping. But this is drastic because they may not do anything and put you in a big hole. Just try to aim for the highest and imagine graduating and your family embracing you. Let that motivate you. Sorry if this didn't help at all. I will be honest with you, this is a really tough situation and you might even want to see someone about it. Even better, take your group to some kind of counselor and work it out together. Best of luck to you, it looks like you will need it.

[master_bacarra 0]

Your parents want you to succeed as you probably know. They know what you are capable of and have high expectations. Every parent does it. No matter what happens, they will still be proud of you. Even if they don't show, they still are and will always be.

you know sometimes it makes me feel like i'm left in the cold. like no one's really appreciating my effort. i remember at the end of last sem, when i showed my grades, my dad didn't even speak a word. my mom was grateful, but my dad didn't even react as if he never heard my mom talk about my grades. it was really disappointing. sometimes, just a simple "good job" will do, but in the end i didn't get any. sometimes, i just try to cheer myself up just to forget about it, but you know it's good if someone acknowledges your work, knowing that you've tried your best and that you've given effort.

You might even want to tell your professor that your partners and doing nothing and are providing no help.

i don't want to do that. i want to give them a chance and i want them to prove themselves that they can work on the project as well. and besides, we all started it together so we should end things together. i want all of us to graduate together.

Just try to aim for the highest and imagine graduating and your family embracing you. Let that motivate you.

true, the only thing that i want is just appreciation for my work. i don't know if that'll happen though. i feel so betrayed.

Sorry if this didn't help at all. I will be honest with you, this is a really tough situation and you might even want to see someone about it. Even better, take your group to some kind of counselor and work it out together. Best of luck to you, it looks like you will need it.

it was a decent post. thank you. i totally appreciate it. i don't know if my problem is THAT bad to be brought to a counselor or something. although i agree that a little help from others would be beneficial, especially that our futures are hanging in the balance.
thanks again.

[Watermonkey 0]

with all these stuff integrated, and with just a few months left before i graduate (i hope), the pressure gets heavier and heavier. all these things are already getting into me and is already clouding my judgement. i'm trying my best to keep cool and having a positive attitude, but i'm really full inside, i feel like i want to explode.

;)What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger.

I've found that martial arts like kick boxing or, I suppose it's too late for that, just simple punching bags (inanimate) would nicely. I once shot a chicken that had a broken neck (it happens) along side a friend. I felt much better afterward. It's amazing how much tension the shooting sports help you to relieve. You might just try an hour or two at the local shooting range. Good luck!

[garbage 0]

I say explode, cause it really sounds bad. What else are you to do, most of these are out of your control, cause you really cant controll what a prof. gives you as a grade. All you can do is do your best on the thesis, and its ultimately up to someonelses opinion on how they felt about your thesis..asa far as the family issue witht the high expectations, hell just tell them that they should just be glad that you are graduating. Or atleast wanting too graduate, cause how many people actually begin and dont even finish, regardless of how long it takes ,.. just get it done.

[truefusion 3]

Work is only appreciated when the others realize the work behind it. The fact that your partners are confused by your own coding should scream out acknowledgment and show some indirect appreciation, but at the same time their confusion is blinding them from seeing the work behind it and putting that appreciation into action. I suggest considering their confusion as appreciation for now, if possible. But keep in mind that appreciation also comes from the output that the work provides (this also relates to the confusion). Meaning, your appreciation may not come until later—in the end.

 

The longer the wait, the bigger the reward.

 

they are already setting some stuff, like how they hope for me to work abroad to be able to send money to them or let them migrate to other countries, or just hoping for me to get a high-paying job once i graduate.

Don't let this trouble you, for it shouldn't. What i mean is, worry about the future when it becomes the present; there's enough to worry about today.

 

As i see it, you might just have to actually take the "boss" position (although you don't want to) and get these people to work as a group with you. Then, they might just even acknowledge all the work you've put into the current coding and appreciate your efforts.

 

Even with a slow computer, they could at least code something, though. Tell them, if they need to test their coding, then go to the designated area. Even on a slow comp, one can code.

 

We reap what we sow, don't we? What's so good about a little folding of the hands? People reap poverty when they fold their hands.

[Yratorm, LightMage 0]

Hmm Master Bacarra, you certainly are 'up against a wall'. I'll just offer what simple thoughts occur to me, and I hope you find something useful.

 

 

 

Well, in my own personal opinion, try not to bother about what other people think of you, especially family. I've seen a lot of families in the east, and I have a lot of friends here, and most parents in the east seem to have just this attitude. I can't say what the west is like, cause I haven't been there much. But here in the east I know a LOT of guys who have this problem. One answer is to find FRIENDS who appreciate you - guys who know your worth, or (even better) just plain like you. This is how most of the guys I know here (who are in your situation) handle things.

 

Well, I know saying 'ignore the people who aren't appreciating you' sounds tough, but if some people in your life haven't appreciated you, it's unlikely they'll start because you need them to - so you need to find people who appreciate and like you of their OWN FREE WILL instead.

 

Just put your best foot forward, meet and talk to people, and you know what - pretty soon you'll find there ARE people in the world who appreciate you. From what I can make out from what you've said and from posts on the forums, you're brilliant, so I think people around you in the right time and the right place WILL appreciate you.

 

Heck, there are people who like and appreciate you right here on this forum - I'm one of them.

 

And if you're so inclined, I hope you find a girlfriend whose your equal intellectually and who just thinks you're great. If you're lucky enough to meet a girl like that, stand by her, and just ignore and forgive your parents inappreciativeness.

 

 

BESIDES a good friend circle, if you still want a way to bring your parents round, perhaps this might work:

Find yourself some good friends, and after that just make your own plans in life. But be very kind and thoughtful to your parents as you do it, go out of your way to be nice to them, JUST plot your OWN course in life, because you're an adult and an intelligent man, and you can DEFINITELY think for yourself, so do just that. I emphasize, do it nicely - walk JUST the road YOU choose, but be very kind and gentle with your parents as you do it. If they nag, smile, thank them for their advice, buy them flowers, then walk YOUR road.

And if they're nice to you sometimes, why, on those occasions be twice as nice to them. For example, if your mom appreciates you sometimes (even if your dad doesn't) buy her a flower or a card when she does that and TELL her how good it made you feel. You never know, before you know it she just might be showing those kind, thoughtful cards to your dad, and he just might start feeling left out, hehe. And who knows, maybe he might realize what he's missing out on. Just suggestions, nothing more.

 

________________________________

As for this problem with your partners, if they only work overnight if you set it up, then set it up. If they put you in a subtle team-leader role, then take the bullet in the teeth and BE the team leader.

 

They want to be led, instead of walking freely? Then lead em. Some people are born leaders.. but others have leadership thrust upon them. It seem you're pretty much in the lead role here, so go ahead and play your part. Work out a schedule where everyone works so many nights a week and show it to your team-members AND your professor, and if they object, just say, "look, I need the help of my thesis mates to complete this project, I can't do it alone (even if you can) and so, if you people can't work at home, then let's set up a schedule where we all work TOGETHER". Obviously, even if they agree, it means you're going to have to work WITH them instead of working at home, but IF you want their help, then it's going to need that sacrifice.

 

Another alternative (just tossing out ideas here) is to say "to he*l with them!" and just work long hours at home and finish the project yourself (if you can). Don't bother with their reactions, don't bother about whether they'll graduate too (shouldn't they be as concerned about that?) - just subtly dump the non-productive members of the team and get the job DONE (you don't have to TELL them that, just get YOURSELF in gear to finish your project in the most efficient way you can) - note, I'm ONLY putting forward this course of action as an alternative. If your team-members are willing to work nights so long as you do, and you're willing to make that sacrifice, then perhaps that alternative is still open to you (and them). Nothing like compromise, if both parties are willing.

 

I hope something here was of help. Take care, MB, and remember, if nowhere else, you're appreciated by people right here!

[master_bacarra 0]

I've found that martial arts like kick boxing or, I suppose it's too late for that, just simple punching bags (inanimate) would nicely. I once shot a chicken that had a broken neck (it happens) along side a friend. I felt much better afterward. It's amazing how much tension the shooting sports help you to relieve. You might just try an hour or two at the local shooting range. Good luck!

it seems that you have a love for shooting. i've even seen you in the shoutbox telling some member about going to the shooting range. anyway, personally i don't have the luxury of time and money to go to a shooting range (if there exists one in the area). boxing might help although i don't know if i could find one in our subdivision.

 

asa far as the family issue witht the high expectations, hell just tell them that they should just be glad that you are graduating. Or atleast wanting too graduate, cause how many people actually begin and dont even finish, regardless of how long it takes ,.. just get it done.

that's nuts. you're basically telling me to tell my parents to be glad that i'd be graduating (which isn't confirmed yet) as if it was a privilege that they're getting. that's a total disrespect to someone who's providing all the financial support for my schooling.

 

The fact that your partners are confused by your own coding should scream out acknowledgment and show some indirect appreciation, but at the same time their confusion is blinding them from seeing the work behind it and putting that appreciation into action. I suggest considering their confusion as appreciation for now, if possible. But keep in mind that appreciation also comes from the output that the work provides (this also relates to the confusion). Meaning, your appreciation may not come until later?in the end.

well appreciation isn't really much of a problem, i'm not really seeking for some self-gratification for the code that i've done. all i want is for them to at least do their share in the coding, and ask me if there are things that they don't understand.

 

Don't let this trouble you, for it shouldn't. What i mean is, worry about the future when it becomes the present; there's enough to worry about today.

the problem is it's not me who's worrying, it's my parents. and if they incessantly ask me about things related to graduation or work, i end up worrying about it. i try my best for it not to trouble me, sometimes i take it as just a joke or some statement, but sometimes, too much is just so much i can handle.

 

Even with a slow computer, they could at least code something, though. Tell them, if they need to test their coding, then go to the designated area. Even on a slow comp, one can code.

that's what i'm always trying to say... or at least to imply. the progress slows down if i'm the only person who coding and testing. it gets so awkward when my prof asks me if i were the only person who does all the coding, i couldn't say "yes" for he will give my thesis-mates a failing grade. i do want all of us to graduate, but i do want them to work on it as well.

 

Well, in my own personal opinion, try not to bother about what other people think of you, especially family. I've seen a lot of families in the east, and I have a lot of friends here, and most parents in the east seem to have just this attitude.

sometimes it gets too negative of a trait. "paying it backward" instead of "paying it forward". tradition has placed kids to be expected to help their families once they graduate and get a job. it's totally fine, but sometimes, parents get involved with it too much that they try to instill guilt in their kids. in our language it is "utang na loob" or translated as "debt of prime obligation". simply states that one is obliged to pay back all the efforts their parents have given them, usually in the form of financial support.

 

Heck, there are people who like and appreciate you right here on this forum - I'm one of them.

thanks for the appreciation. i just try my best to help in one way or another, that's all.

 

And if they're nice to you sometimes, why, on those occasions be twice as nice to them. For example, if your mom appreciates you sometimes (even if your dad doesn't) buy her a flower or a card when she does that and TELL her how good it made you feel. You never know, before you know it she just might be showing those kind, thoughtful cards to your dad, and he just might start feeling left out, hehe. And who knows, maybe he might realize what he's missing out on. Just suggestions, nothing more.

apparently, my dad is one of those types who got so influenced by society that says "men shouldn't show any emotions". that i quite don't get. sometimes it gets so annoying but most of the time i end up not appreciating him because the "connection" isn't there.

 

my mom sometimes becomes arrogant at times and compares all her accomplishments to what we've done. i know very well that she's been an accelerated student when she was young and was always at the top of her class. she tells me to use that as inspiration, yet i'm not inspired. why? because she always compares us to her. the motivation doesn't sink in because she's putting us down in the first place.

 

They want to be led, instead of walking freely? Then lead em. Some people are born leaders.. but others have leadership thrust upon them. It seem you're pretty much in the lead role here, so go ahead and play your part. Work out a schedule where everyone works so many nights a week and show it to your team-members AND your professor, and if they object, just say, look, I need the help of my thesis mates to complete this project, I can't do it alone (even if you can) and so, if you people can't work at home, then let's set up a schedule where we all work TOGETHER. Obviously, even if they agree, it means you're going to have to work WITH them instead of working at home, but IF you want their help, then it's going to need that sacrifice.

the problem with me being the leader is that i have severe issues with it. i tend to "abuse" the control (i don't like to use the term because it's so negative, but whatever). i tend to give out orders and sometimes become too perfectionist with the results. and besides, i really suck at leading people. i'd rather be the workforce than someone who leads the workforce.

 

Another alternative (just tossing out ideas here) is to say "to he*l with them!" and just work long hours at home and finish the project yourself (if you can). Don't bother with their reactions, don't bother about whether they'll graduate too (shouldn't they be as concerned about that?) - just subtly dump the non-productive members of the team and get the job DONE (you don't have to TELL them that, just get YOURSELF in gear to finish your project in the most efficient way you can) - note, I'm ONLY putting forward this course of action as an alternative. If your team-members are willing to work nights so long as you do, and you're willing to make that sacrifice, then perhaps that alternative is still open to you (and them). Nothing like compromise, if both parties are willing.

that would be a bit possible if i have enough time. the problem is i'm no supergeek when it comes to coding. i'm not really great with programming languages and not expert at most of them. that's why at least i need their help.

 

thanks everyone for the advices. i really appreciate it.

Edited February 24, 2007 by master_bacarra (see edit history)