Dealing With A Long Term Relationship Break Up How do I deal with this?

[iGuest 3]

so now what?Dealing With A Long Term Relationship Break Up

I just ended a 11 year relationship that probably should of never lasted past the first night. I had 2 wonderful children by this man. We lived together the entire 11 years...Besides him going to the pen for 3 years. The relationship was mentally and physicly abusive. I have stayed in it because it just became routine to me and the thought of another man wanting me was just not in my thoughts. He always cheated on me with strippers and was never home. I stood by this man through thick, thicker and thin. He asked me to marry him last christmas. I said yes at first but re-thought the decision I had made and gave him back the ring and told him the engagement was off. I think it all came to a head when a process server came to my home and gave me court papers addressed to HIM for a paternity test on a kid that was 6 months younger than my 7 year old! I can't help to miss him but isn't that what any brain washed woman would say? So now what? I haven't dated in YEARS, let go of all my old friends and now have 2 kids that I NEVER have a babysitter for. How do I get back out in the dating game after being single for almost a entire year? And how long does this damn hurt stay around? Thanks for any input you may have

-question by Samantha

 

[iGuest 3]

how do i get over this.Dealing With A Long Term Relationship Break Up

 I been with my ex for almost 2 and half years we been having on and off relationship everytime he get angry he would avoid me for days and when I get mad he gets mad too. About a month ago he broke up with me saying he doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore. He said he still love me and everything but don't want to be with me anymore. He say we can be friend and I don't want to lose him at all so I chose to be his friend, but here and there we still have sex, I do it only to see him but it hurts me everytime we do it .I found out that he talks to girls and check them out and its makes me cry sometimes thinking that he might be with someone else how do I get over him? how do I get back with him? I don't know what to do I'm so confussed. I'm so broken I think about him everyday. 

-reply by theresa Tran

 

[iGuest 3]

Dealing with being on a break/time away from each other..Please Help! read it is very interestingDealing With A Long Term Relationship Break Up

  Okay so I am 18 yrs old and I have been with this guy for a year now and well I suffer from depression and so at times I can be a bit difficult. But Terry (my boyfriend) has stuck with me through so very much! and for that I am grateful and appreciative. He could have easily left me a long time ago and been like "wow this girl is too much" but no, he never did...He continued 2 stick by my side. This proves to me he loves me unconditionally..He loves me alot! . Terry is the very first and only boy I have had sex with and so I have a very intimate and close bond with him. But in the past I let my depression take control of me when really, I should have been the one to take control...I acted irrational, insecure, selfish and also needy/desperate (which I know is stupid and unnatractive). And well theres only so much a person can deal with till they have had enough. And enough was deffinately enough for him and well I sourta don't blame him for being fed up. He was always so busy tryna help me with my problems that he forgot about his own. He felt alot of pressure and stress from me . I would get mad and start arguing over stupid pitty stuff or assume stuff that wasn't even really true. Ex: "you don't even care about me! if you did u wouldn't hurt me". And alot of the time would say stuff I didn't mean and just said it out of anger.I have alot of regret for the stupid irrational ways I acted and things I said..And I hate myself for it. The day came when Terry told me he wants a good break from me..He said we should go a break so I can work on me and getting better and so he can do him and take care himself. I was devastated and hurt also confused. I would continue to cry and beg for him not to do this..He said its something that needs to be done. He said he still loves me to death and is still here for me and is not trying to find another girl or be with another. He just needed to get himself together (he is 17) and find out who he is..And also he said he still wants me in his life and would like a future with me, but right know he cant. He can't handle the stress and problems of being in a relationship at the time and needs time alone..To gather his thoughts and to just do him for a change. It has been a month and a couple weeks now since we have been on this break and his grades have improved 2 all A's, he has a job, and is spending more time with his family. He calls every now and than and sometimes even stops by. I get soo happy 2 hear from him and it feels so good to be in his arms again and for him to just be in my presence! he seems happy as well. But he fears that I am going to act up the ways I have before yelling, crying and chasing after him and being angry. I have told him many times I will not and have changed..He says yeah I might have changed but he doesnt want to risk finding out and things ending up being the same problems..This is why he only comes around sometimes..Every once in a while.I get upset at him for bringing up the past because its pretty much full of alot of negative things..I wish he could just forget and 4give. We have had sex like twice during our break..But he said it wouldn't change anything and that he doesnt want me to feel like he is just using me. So he told me he isnt going to have sex with me anymore because he doesn't want me to get upset and hurt. He really cares about me and says there is so much more to a relationship than just sex. When I see him he seems emotional like his eyes get teary like he can cry..But he doesn't really say whats on his mind all the way..He seems happy but sad in some kind of way..And well I can't read his mind so this makes me upset . When we talk on the phone I end up bringing up how I do not want to be on a break and I miss him so much and it has been too long and I'm tired of hurting. And he says he is sticking to what he has said..I get upset, start to cry and get angry..Than he ends up getting upset and gets off the phone. Which makes me cry..Cause he says he doesn't want me to say the things I have already said over again and doesn't want it to lead to an argument so he gets off the phone. He say's I will talk to you later, love u bri by. And click. He hangs up. I havent said bye yet cause I'm shocked and hurt how when I am not ready to get off the phone or when I am in the middle of talking he interupts and says he has to get off and will talk to me later. He says I already told you what I'm doing and how I feel so why do you keep asking and bringing stuff up?. When he hangs up I start to cry and become full of anger. It feels like he is ignoring me or doesn't care..But really I know he cares. He must be pretty strong. Because I was and could be an emotional wreck cause of this break.I am proud of Terry for being strong and doing well with his time 2 himself..Heis doing alot of positive Although I miss him like crazy..I know for certain he isnt doing this 2 find some1 new or to be with some1 else and he has reasured me many times thats not the case..He is doing this for his future and in order to take care of me..In order to take care of some1 else you must learn to take care of yourself. He is an amazing boy! I love him to death. But I guess this is what they "tough love"..And it sucks! lol. I hate feeling needy and would love to just give him his space and worry about me and take care of me but its soo hard! any advice pleasee? Also I hate for him to think of me as being a weak, dependent, needy young woman. I want to show him that I am a beautiful, strong, independent young woman instead. And that I am doing just fine..And taking care of myself. HELP PLEASE!! what should I do??

ps: One thing I also need to learn is how to be strong and let him go when he needs to go and not chase him and act irrational and couse a big stupid scene and imbarass him and well..Myself. I need help. I am in a therapy class called DBT and attend counceling but what else can I do??

 oh and also why do I feel I have to have a man to complete me..This is a sick and bad way of thinking...How can I change it? My father has been out of my life since the age of 5...Could this have something to do with this? and how I act and feel? (my behavior)

-question by Brianna

 

[iGuest 3]

Love thyselfDealing With A Long Term Relationship Break Up

My girlfriend broke upwith me after 3 years and had meangingless sex with this guy a week later that she said she liked for ages.  Then two days after that she came and told me about it in my house when she took her stuff and asked if I ever would take her back.  I loved her so much I couldn't be angry, now I realise I actually loved her too much - somuch I fogot to love myself and take care of myself.  Its been 5 months since that happened and we were on and off for about a month then I pulled the plug and we haven't spoken since.  I still think about her alot - too much, that is the only thing I wish I could stop all the thinking.  some days I wonder how I am going to survive without her/someone, some days I feel great.  I guess its mainly just time that will heal any painful feelings you have.  No one deserves to be cheated on, if someone does that to you then they aren't worth it.  try spend time with people you love and learnt o love yourself even better.

-reply by Matt

 

[iGuest 3]

Im going through the same:(Dealing With A Long Term Relationship Break UpReplying to iGuestHi there...I just read your post and I can relate to your pain. My ex and I broke up a year ago, we had one child together. And he was the only father figure, my now 13 year old from a previous relationship, had. Now my 13 year old is left without a step dad and our 3 year old a part time dad. What hurts the most is that he immediately moved in the neighbor lady and her kid into the home we shared for 10 years. Its like we were replacable and now hes a dad to this new kid! I feel humiliated and pained all day..I cant seem to "get over this". Never have had to be a single mom, and I feel like an awful mom because I cant do it all. Its overwhelming. I just wanted to say hang in there, and that you are not aloneTake careJen

 

[iGuest 3]

Response to "dealing with being on a break/time away from each other..Please Help! read it is very interesting"Dealing With A Long Term Relationship Break Up

WOW! When I read your story it felt weird because this is exactly what is happening to me at the moment. I am dealing with being diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder (diagnosed two weeks ago) and my ex-boyfriend was always there for me even when I was being irrational and needy. I guess it finally got to be too  much for him and he said he needed a break. He said he needed time for himself, to find out who he is. We were together for 5 years, since we were 17, so this hurts like no pain I have ever felt. It has only been three weeks and I wish I could say that I feel better but I don't. There are some days when I am strong and don't cry all day, do fun things and take care of myself. But there are also days that I just want to cry all day.I literally feel like I am mourning a death simply beacause I haven't seen him in 2 weeks, which is longer than I have ever gone not seeing him. Everyone keeps telling me that time will heal my wounds and that I should be taking care of myself and find out who I am without him, and although I know this is great advice, sometimes I just feel like yelling at everyone because I feel like they don't understand the pain I am in. It is easy to say things but it is another story when you are the one having to deal with the memories and the pain they bring. I just want this pain to go away. I have been seeing a counselor for my anxiety so this is the first step, I guess.I feel so alone sometimes, I think that's the hardest part. Feeling like you are all alone even when you are surrounded by family and friends. I hope things get better because I do not know how much longer my heart can take this.

[iGuest 3]

but...?Dealing With A Long Term Relationship Break Up

you see... I'm on the other side of this whole thing. I'm the 'new girlfriend' ... And whenever he sees his ex (who he was with for 7 years, but the past 3 years they have been on and off)  he phones me and tells me how much he hates her, but just wants to be friends with her. He wants to be honest with me... Which I appreciate. But it hurts so much that he wants to be around her so badly at times and how much the things she does gets to him. ( they 'ended' it because his ex's parents disagreed with their relationship -for good reason. And he was also tired of the fighting) another thing is that she sms's him and I know they still love each other and I'm pretty sure tell each other this too.

I'm trying so hard to understand that seven years of being in someones life and loving them cant just be thrown out the window... But sometimes I feel its just an excuse to keep that string attached...

-reply by *jus me*

[iGuest 3]

Replying to iGuestHi,I have been in a similar situation with depression and anger problems. It has cost me friends and relationships as well because I was being selfish. How I got over these problems was by doing what the psychologists said and finding interests that ignited passion within me. What I love to do is photography. With that said, I got going on some classes. I am also finishing up a B.S. Degree in microbiology which helps too.You need to address the root cause of your depression- perhaps it is fear of abandonment. Then, you have to learn how to be alone--that is face your fears. My problem was that I always thought I wasn't smart enough and that to be truly loved I would have to have an IQ of 189. This was because I was attracted to intellectual types. The other thing I would suggest is try to find out what sort of guy you like and why. For me I liked the intellectual types because I love the world of ideas and also because I was attracted to someone ambitious, driven, upper class or the potential to have that role. In short, I liked the prestige factor. I have had to learn though and am still learning that maybe I can get these things for myself. Maybe a man doesn't have to get me these things. Maybe I don't have to listen to my parents. Maybe, I can have some prestige and at the same time learn to be comfortable with what I can offer. My parents were always telling me how smart I was and that I had to be intellectually perfect. They want me to be a doctor which I cannot be and do not want to be because I have B's and C's in school. I don't even want to do that but I did all of this stuff to please them because I wanted to be accepted by them. The truth is, my parents wouldn't let me figure out what kind of life I wanted for myself. This was the root cause of my anger and also trying to pretend to be something I wasn't. I have to embrace the fact that I am not perfect and will never be a great researcher. I have to figure out what it is I can offer this world before I can truly love someone else and be the kind of person that someone else deserves to have in their life. It is a struggle but if you are really motivated to change, you can.I would continue to be friends with the guy but realize that most likely, he does not trust you and that the two of you will never get back together. Realize that if you don't acknowledge this reality, you could end up losing a friend too. Work on yourself and get rid of your anger, self-doubt and pity. Yes you will be alone but in the long run if you heal your pain, you will find love again. Love for yourself that then you can pass on to someone else. At that point, it will work and you will be so proud of yourself for doing it.I am still not ready to date but that is OK. I am trying to get through school, get a better job and learn how to be comfortable with myself. I am proud of my photography and the fact that I am getting through school w/o help from anyone... Consider your accomplishments too! That is sooo important.Take Care,Stephanie-reply by stephanie

 

[iGuest 3]

I am a 34 yr old male, I have been with my partner for 16yrs and we have three beautiful girls together.  My partner has told me that she has fallen for another guy and that she loves him.  She has been speaking to him on and off over the past 8mths and had sex with him a few times.  She really doesn't have much one on one contact with him the relationship is mainly based with txt and phone calls. (this is what she tells me anyway) Is this girl just looking for some change in her every day life? I cant understand this.

I am truly destroyed and still want her to try and make us work for the sake of the kids and for the fact that we have been together for 16yrs.

I am truly at a loss and have done the whole I will change and make this right.  It has now been nearly two weeks since I have really understood that she wants to do this and I am feeling like she needs to do this to see if I really am what she wants.

This other guy has been married and divorced, has no children and seems to live a very care free life.  My biggest concern is that once my partner has more one on one contact with him and my children have contact as well, will this guy see what he has got himself in for.  We have 16yrs of baggage and my children are very comfortable with their lives.  What do I do if it doesn't work out for her, should I still be there to pick up the pieces if that happens?

I am really lost and need some help or advice.

[iGuest 3]

how do i move onDealing With A Long Term Relationship Break Up

I was in a 7 year relationship with this man. I guess for the first couple of years  he was great, he cooked for my kids and I, which by the way are not his kids. Through his immediate family, I was told that the longest relationship he had was about 4 years. Anyway, as time passed by he was getting a little aggravated by our company. He started to become verbally abusive to me. This lasted for about 1 year.  So recently before the breakup, I was fed up, I told him to get his things and get out. That was the one of the many times I had done this. This last time, when I put him out, he moved out of state. I thought I was going to be so elated, but it hurts like hell. I don't know if its because the relationship lasted so long. I know for sure I don't miss the person he had become, but I cried for days, prayed amd cried was all I did. Please tell me what to do in this situation. Is it good to remind myself of all the bad things he did in order to move on? 

-question by shyty

[iGuest 3]

I'm going through tthe same thing atm... One day she just started telling me to move on :s its impossible coz we were so close and she meant everything to me and she still does... Ive thought and thought about it ... And the only thing I can do is hope that she realises that she did a mistake and she comes back ...Ive tried plenty of times to fix things and realised that theres nothing else I can do ... I miss her heaps ... Everyday I constantly think about her ... Its very hard to deal with it ...Coz she was literally my life ...Sounds cheesy but ive never loved a girl like this and I don't think I ever will love another girl this much. Ive tried moving on many times ... But it never seems to work... She will always be in my heart.

[iGuest 3]

How to deal with your childs mother leading you on, coming and going, but canDealing With A Long Term Relationship Break UpI was with my son's mother for around three years. We have been on and off (more off than on) for a little over a year now. I know I make mistakes. I never have cheated on her or anything like that. Just small mistakes. Anways, one week she will tell me how much she loves me and how I will always have her and so forth, but another week she is mad at me and doesn't know what she wants. I have tried non-stop for over a year now to be with her. I've never been so depressed in my life. I love her so much and just want her to be happy, but it seems like I don;t know how. She is a wonderful person. By far the best girl I have ever met, but I'm just tired of being led on and then let down because it crushes me. Do I keep trying? Do I let her go? If so how? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!-question by Chris

 

[iGuest 3]

Replying to iGuestDealing With A Long Term Relationship Break Up

Hi there,

I do feel your pain coz I have walked a little and still walking in your shoes. I have only been broken up with my partner of 1year 5months about a month ago.  I only feel that I should share with you what has worked for me for the last one month and have Faith will still work; My belief in God, I devoted myself to Christianity after I broke up with my ex and that is when I realized that God's love surpasses all human understanding.  I pray everyday sometimes I don't have strength to pray coz I miss my ex so much but God has been faithful and He has assured that He is walking with me all through.  I have gained so much courage to face the fear of living each day without the man that I woke up every morning and was the first face I saw everyday.  I have never been seperated from him and quite frankly when I found out that he'd been cheating on me, my world went upside down (actually it is still the same).  Because I always knew of God's existence I prayed to Him and I totally trusted Him for my situation.  He speaks to me and assures me that He loves me and knows what is right for me.  This is the only thing that keeps me from clinging, making phonecalls, texting, emailing or walking to our former house where we stayed to see if there's the new girls car parked there.  I did this for a while but I stopped this madness and now I am allowing God to have His way because in Jeremiah 29:11 He says the "Yes, I know what plans I have in mind for you, Yahweh declares, plans for peace, not for disaster, but to give you a future & a hope"... It is hard to cope with all this but let us let God heal us, He knows what's best.  Let's move on and the anxieties and depressions these are just the enemies weapons to put us down but my prayer tonight is that Jesus protects you and heals you from this anxiety that you've been through.  I have very powerful Faith for you and please believe it.  If we are meant to go back to our Ex's we shall only when God thinks its right but if He has other plans for us, surely let us trust our creator.  He alone is the one true God let us not limit Him.  I never had this kind of faith but once I believed it let me tell you I wake up every morning and when I don't have confidence, I remember God is watching over me and I am confident.  Please concentrate in healing.  I am learning how to live without my Ex.. I still love him so dearly I would even probably crawl back to him if he asks me back but I will not knock at his door and I know God will do what He knows is right for me.  Please heal and pray alot that the enemy doesn't take away your joy and peace.  he is a liar.  If you wanna talk more about it in this view email me on jeymatogoh@yahoo.Com.  Be strong and heal that illness is just in the mind and you can change it.  Also I am reccommending you this book I am reading.  A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle look it up it might help.  Let's not give in to loosing our lives over people that may not be destined to be with us.  ok.  Lots of love dear one.  God Loves you more and He is watching over you and He will not let you give up.  I will pray for you coz I am going through the same.   I also don't have some sleep at night but I make sure that before I sleep I pray that I don't wake up in the middle of the night to stay up.  When  I get sleepless nights, I just listen to some gospel songs and they give me so much hope and joy.  Be still and know that God Is.

-reply by queeny

[iGuest 3]

dealing with break upDealing With A Long Term Relationship Break Up

[i feel for you my brother unfortunately I am in the same situation though no kids involved I should think we have to move on not look back, because history would not give us any solution but only make it worse.

Maseru-reply by 'Matau Matooane

[iGuest 3]

My fiance and I have been together for nearly four years now. She is 47 and I think going through the change of life. She want go to the doctor, I have suggested that we see a doctor. Her dad is a pervert and she talks about it all the time, he wants and let her know that he wants to bed her down or just look at her breasts, her daughter also is living with her ex that he raised ever since she was two. My fiance is a wonderful girl, but I think she is confused, not sure. She just don't talk to me, she is at her moms staying now she hasn't called me and she said that she would everyday. I don't know what to do, I have no family or friends no one to turn too. Do you have any suggestions on what might be going on with her, or what I am to do. I just picked your email because it sounded like you might can help me. I am a male 52. Any comments would be appreciated. I am trying to just be cool and let it run it's coarse but I am afraid that someone else might step into the picture, I don't know what to do.

Ron