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In Love With My Ex Best Friend. really long, sorry

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ok i just really need to get this out, i dont know what to do with myself. its killing me. it's really long sorry, i apreciate anyone who has time to read it.When i was about 15 i became friends with this guy lewis, he was in my year at school but he got kicked out (he's always been a trouble maker, and got worse as he got older) so i started seeing him after i got home from school and at weekends. He started to come round my house like every day and we became best friends.We had a little group of friends we'd go out with on friday nights and just sit on the streets doing nothing, i didnt care though, i just liked being with him and everyone else. Two of my mates kept telling me that they could tell lewis liked me, this really weirded me out because to me we were friends and nothing more and i didnt want it to be anymore than that. After they said that i did start realising that little things he did seemed odd for 'just friends' like he told me he loved me, always rang me, always hugged me, always wanted to see me, always tryed getting in my room with me on our own but i was youngish and was like er no not having that he's my mate. He was really protective over me, one night he woke me up at midnight by throwing stones at my window i was just like what the hell are you doing and he was like can i come in please and again, i think because i was younger, i was like no man so i layed in my room with the window open and he sat outside talking to me most of the night. Then just before my 16th birthday i realised i hadnt seen him for like a week, which i thought was weird, that week turned into a month and i really started to miss him, his number wasnt working and he doesnt have facebook or anything, i didnt have any way of contacting him, but i just told myself he'd turn up again one day. A couple of months later i was with the two people that told me they thought he liked me and we was walking down a road and he was walking towards us. I felt so angry when i saw him and i walked straight past him, the others stopped to talk to him, he kept looking at me and asked me if i was alright, i kept giving him one word answers, then he said he'd come with us for a bit and i just tried to ignore him. At one point he asked me what was wrong with me and i said nothing then i changed my mind and decided to say something cos i was so angry. It went a bit like 'why the hell havent you seen me in ages, you was ment to be my best mate and you just decided to pee off and stop talking to me?' he just kept saying sorry and stuff and that he's 'not good for me now' and 'he does bad stuff' like dealing drugs and selling weapons. i told him i didnt care and i dont see why he should stop being mates with me then he had to go, he got on a train and that was the last tie i saw him, i havent seen him in over a year now. people always say to me 'oh i saw lewis the other day he's well changed' ect and it upsets me that i havent crossed paths with him once, he was such a big part of my life and i dont care what he's like or what bad stuff he's got into i would still take him back as my mate. Everyone that knows about the situation just says forget about him he's not worth it, he's upset me too much and im better off without him. I just think that it's mostly my fault because i was stupid and pathetic and only after he went i realised what i'd lost i love him so much, i thought it would go over time but it isn't. it's been a year and i still love him. I'm fed up of feeling like this. I look back at everything and think it could of been so different if i let it.


You have to make your choice.First of all: If he's still a trouble maker, than don't deal with him. Don't deal with that crap. Believe me, run the other way. It will only lead to pain and heartache and possibly heart break.Also, if he hasn't finished school, this is another indication of staying away.I don't care if your in love with him. You have to get out of love with him. A man without an education isn't going anywhere and love certainly isn't going to do anything about it.Now if you don't know if he has changed or not, than you should just try talking to him. Get to know him and figure him out. Don't go into things. But just talk to him. Feel him out.As you get older, you will realize you should not sweat the small stuff, and if you can make a connection, develop a relationship, or make a friend, you should. Especially if you have a grudge or anger towards someone, you should definitely do all in your power to forgive. You don't have to forget. But holding it in your heart is going to drive you crazy.I suggest you not exploding with anger or with your loving feelings towards him until you see who he is, how he has changed, what he is about. DO NOT LET YOURSELF BE BLINDED BY LOVE. If you see that he isn't for you.. if you sense any red flags, they are red flags for a reason! Don't ignore those! So if you see him again, stop being so mad. And just let him talk to you and have a conversation back. You'll feel better if you do.And you won't always have to wonder what if, or have any regrets because of it.If things don't work out, that's life. You'll move on. He'll move on. And life will continue as it always has and always will.Best of luck to you.


No one can tell you whether you should or shouldn't be involved with someone who is a trouble maker. Just now, speaking from pas experience, that it is not an easy path to follow. I think the most important thing you need to retain from this is : HE KNOWS where to find you and hasn't come looking. Maybe he really just isn't good for you right nor or maybe he's like you and he's keeping it all in. If you want to find him then go get him. You say you're friends see him, then ask them where. You keep waiting for the two of you to cross paths but life isn't always going to hand things to you. No offense, but from what you wrote, Life already afforded you more than one opportunity with this guy, now it's your turn to rpove that you want it.My advice, if you love him (as a friend or more) find him. Get to know him again and then decide whether he's right for you to have in your life or not. Good luck, matters of the heart are never easy.