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It Hurts To Even Breathe


Well basically I had been with this wonderful man for 3 years. We've shared everything together in those years. We've laughed and cried together and these were the most wonderful years of my life. I am in my late 20's and he is 9 years older than me. We both are mature and serious about each other. We started out as friends and then things progressed from there. But mainly we had been dating for 3 years. He is my very first love/ boyfriend. I know it sounds weird but I am so picky with relationships and I thought I finally got it right. He was there for me always and I was there for him too countless times. I had done so much for him. He is in the music industry so I helped him every step of the way. I got him media coverage and many other favors that I did for him. When we started dating for 2 years and he was flirting with me and asking me out I never asked him anything because I just wanted to be on the same page and to give him his time. So after 2 years later he proposed to me. I loved him from the very start and I thought he felt the same way towards me. He got introduced to my family and we had a nice engagement party and then ever since he had been different. He had a fight with me a week later after our engagement because I spoke about our future as married couples. He explained that he wanted nothing to do with our wedding details or plans or anything. He said we'll decide when the time comes and he gave me the option of doing everything for our wedding on my own. Ever since I had been understanding and had been planning and doing all the work on my own without resorting to him for anything. Every wedding detail was something I had been working on, on my own. We live apart so few months after our problems started I decided to visit him and surprise him hoping we could sort out things when we meet. But he was not happy to see me. While we were still dating, I went over to see him and back then he was jumping with joy. But this time he explained that it was not the right time and he came up with tons of excuses of why I did the wrong thing. I have not seen him for months and this is how he treated me instead of welcoming me with wide arms. I stayed for one week and throughout my stay he made every effort to spend as little time as possible with me. I spent time with his mom and very little time with him. The last Night before I left he said he did not feel like we belong together because he did not feel attracted to me and I told him it was unfair for him to keep going on like this so I gave him till the end of the year to make his decision because I could not take all of that any longer. That was only a month away. I spent that month heartbroken and hated myself so much. I tried my best to pull myself together. I did not know what to do and I thought I may have pushed him but he was my best friend and I needed his presence in my life. I could not take the idea of breaking up. I called him on Christmas, he was blue and I tried to stroke his ego to make him feel better and the next thing I knew is his declaration to end things between us. I did not mean to but I ended up with a nervous breakdown. It was totally unexpected and he did not care if I were ready to hear that or not so I obviously fell apart. He then said he was just angry and did not mean that so he asked me to forgive him. I told him that the only way I would forgive him is if we talked about our issues and sorted them out. Over the next few months we were alright and did not fight as often and I thought it was just a phase and that we passed through it. He had an accident. I was there for him and did my best to understand his circumstances and emotional pain at the time. And when my father was diagnosed with cancer afterwards he was also very supportive and was there for me. I thought our problems were no longer existent. I focused on my father and was trying to remain positive to help my dad through. Then just three weeks ago my father was taken to the hospital after his lungs collapsed and ever since he had been unconscious. I felt frightened and all alone. I was trying to be strong for him and for my family but it was not until few days ago that I told my fianc? that I felt like I needed some time with him because I was feeling terrible and said that I might come there for few days but he said he was busy and he thought it was a bad idea. Then he opened the subject of our relationship again and said that he does not want to be with me because our relationship lacked passion and said if he stayed he knows he will be miserable. Right now when my father is in the hospital and I am struggling to make it through my fianc? gave up on me. I have been through so much with him and dealing with all of the issues he put me through since our engagement. He does not see the changes that happened to him ever since we took our relationship to the next level. He blamed this on me saying I brought up the subject now when my father is in the hospital. He blamed his changes on me too saying that if he had changed because I changed. He also said that he did not feel that anything changed in the last 3 years. He broke up with me and wanted to remain friends. But how can I be friends with someone that I loved so much and someone I mapped my whole life with? More importantly, how can I be friends with someone who hurt me so much? I don?t feel my heart anymore. I feel so broken hearted and dead inside. I don?t know what to deal with right now. My father is still in the ICU and his condition is still critical and now I am going through a break up too. Everything reminds me of him. Songs, TV shows, movies, his gifts to me, my car, the streets, the places we?ve been to, everything reminds me of those three years. Throughout the 3 years we?ve had so many memories and it is so hard to let go. I smell his scent everywhere. I feel that I need him and I need his hug, touch and warmth. No one can take his place. I feel like I am in a dark desert all alone and it is so scary, lonely, cold and dark and I have my friends helping me through but I feel all alone. I am in so much pain. I wish I understood why all of this is happening. I wish I can only make him understand how wrong he is. I can?t let go because I can?t imagine my life without him. Usually I deal with this by keeping my feelings to myself. Usually I don?t show my true feelings because I hate to look pathetic. I am smiling and strong and cheerful even now around my friend but the truth is different inside me and it is all reflecting on me physically. My stomach can?t handle the stress level I am in and I have so much abdominal pain. I can?t eat at all. My body is rejecting food. When I try to force myself to eat I end up throwing up not because I want to but it just happens. My mom tries to force me to drink juices and milk shakes and I unintentionally end up sneaking to the bathroom and pouring the juice in the toilet. I don?t want to do that but I don?t want my mom to worry and at the same time I can?t eat or drink. I am so nauseous all the time. I am going through different phases in the same day even. One time I love him and I miss him so much, then I hate him and wish he dies, then I am angry and ready to hurt him, and next I swear to never be his friend, next I feel like calling him and asking him to be my friend, then I just want one last hug, etc. I have no clue how to handle it properly. I have so much inside and it is affecting me physically. I love him so much and I am in so much pain right now.


i am very sorry about your pain. you really spoke your heart. you are not alone. a lot of people has had this pain in their lives. everyone just deals with it different and it seems like you're just punishing yourself with this hurt that you carry.1st of all. don't hate this guy. he has been giving you signs all along. i am sure he didn't hurt you intentionally. you just didn't want to pay attention to the signs. sounds like he may be afraid of commitment. best advice i can give you is stay away from him right now because being just friends right now is going to cause you more pain than good and seeing him will only be a constant reminder. in the mean time KEEP BUSY. it helps to do fun things or at least try to do the things that seem fun. force yourself to keep busy. it's important to try to move on from this and lead a productive life. the sooner the better.be open to your mom and your friends about what you are going through. it may be embarrassing or you may not want to worry people, but i am sure your mom and your true friends will want to know how bad you are hurting. this is what friends and mothers are for. to listen and comfort you and give some good advice and some really crappy advice at times. don't hide from them. let them do their job and help you. you would do the same for them i am sure and you wouldn't want THEM hiding their pain from you if their was any way you could help. right? you sound like a really good person and sensitive to other peoples needs. but what about yours? how can people be there for you if you don't allow them to be? you're just going to feel that much more alone and that really wont be good for you right now.just know that your pain is not unique. yes, a lot of people have been where you are now and in time, it gets better. that is a promise. the pain fades over time. you will probably always hold love for this man though. that probably wont ever go away. the pain will though. you have to start looking at the brighter things. this was your first love. you probably learned a lot and so did he. the relationship wasn't for nothing but at the same time, it wasn't meant to be and somewhere out there there are other guys and other relationship and more love to give the right guy. the guy who is right for YOU and you for him and where maybe next time, the relationship is meant to be and he wont leave you. it will be a connection worth waiting for if you can only move on from the pain you have inside right now.but please please PLEASE, don't hide your pain from others. the beatles said it best when they said "i get by with a little help from my friends." let them in. especially your mother no matter how much she may annoy you with worry. and please please PLEASE KEEP BUSY! it's the absolute BEST thing you can do for yourself right now. you will probably have to force yourself to keep busy and to even try to have a little fun. but that is what you HAVE to do! force yourself.also, you have to stop hating this guy and respect his decicision. would you rather him force himself in to a relationship or marriage where he knows it's not for him and waste his time and yours? he did the right thing in telling you now so you don't waste more of your precious life. it was probably hard for him to do too even though it may not seem like it. i'm sure he loved you too. i know it may not seem like it now, but in time you will realize that you both took something positive out of the realtionship and became better people for it even though you two weren't 100% compatible.also, i know there will be lonely days ahead and you will be wanting to feel loved and want those hugs and kisses and affection. just don't substitute those feelings with another relationship right away. it wont do you any good and it sure as wont do the other person you may be dating at the time any good. you wont want to put someone through what you are feeling now just because you are on the "rebound". that wouldn't be fair.i know you don't feel strong right now and weak as hell....but you can get through this. you may feel that you are at your weakest point in your life. fact is, you are still strong enough to get through this. try to feel that and know that about yourself. i really hate hearing stories like this. i am half asleep and promised myself i wasn't going to respond to this post, but after reading it, i just had to. i hope i have made sense. if not, just shoot me!try to find a smile out there for yourself somewhere. when you find it, hold on to it. it will get you through.....if your eating habits remain the same for over a month, you will need to see a doctor. your body wont be able to handle what you are putting it through and you will just feel weaker because you aren't feeding your body the energy it needs. don't punish yourself ok? it wasn't your fault and you don't need all these negative after affects. you are better than this!


i am really sorry for your pain and suffering. i can feel from your words that you are suffering a lot and still, but in the same time i can see that you are a strong and worm heart person by trying to support your family in this critical condition, in spite of your pain. even if your are thinking that you are not, but believe me YES you are a strong person, maybe much more than you think. i won't tell you to stop thinking of him, because i know you can't and this is completely natural. loving him, hating him, miss him, it is natural feelings for someone who you've been with for entirely three years. so i 'd rather tell you to do other things in your life so that you can distract yourself from thinking about these feelings all the time. and believe me step by step you will feel better. you can start by making a routine for your life, being with your family is the first thing you would do but add more things to do, meet your friends regularly will help a lot, here i don't mean staying at home, go out, go to cinema to watch a movie but stay away from the romantic movies or go to shopping, do girls stuff...ect. but don't stay at home, force yourself to see things from a different angle. for example, if you are walking in a street you've been there before with him, it's ok remember him FOR SEVERAL MINUTES but after that say to yourself " whatever, it is in the past and now i am here with my friends, having fun, i don't need him" and believe me, even you said these not from your heart but you will after a while. because this is the human nature. we get hurt, we take our time feeling hurt, letting our heart controlling things but after a while the mind start controlling again and then we will be healed.another important way to feel better, lock away all his gifts and photos or anything reminds you of him, keep it a way until the day you get rid of all the pain and then you can decide what you want to do with them. also, you didn't mentioned if you have a job or not, having a job is the best way to forget every problem in your life, especially if you love your job. so if you have a job, put your heart in it, if you don't get a job and you will have a better life.your inability of eating, this is kind of your body reaction for what you've been through, but here you need a doctor, and YOU SHOULD DO THIS. just think you won't do anything by being sick, just hurt your family and make him pitied you, and i don't think you need that RIGHT? so take more care of your health, to get through this and be more closer to your mom. mothers are always the most amazing persons in the family, they can handle anything no matter what they feel. if you think your mother is busy with your father issue and she isn't capable to do something for you, then you are wrong, just try to talk to her about what you feel and you will see. in fact maybe you are making her more worry about you when you still silent like this because she can feel you. as anwiii said before, we all have our own pain in life, and we all have to deal with it. either give up and loose our faith and our dreams or fight and do something about it. life is about experiences, we should take the good part of bad situations. maybe you think there's no good of what happened to you but believe me there is. you experienced the feeling of love with someone who felt the same, whereas there are people couldn't experience that their whole life, then why you couldn't continue? this depend on how strong is your love is "both of you", according to what you said your love is strong but he is not, so it is better to know this now not after your marriage, or when you have children then you would be wasting your life, and bringing misery for everyone. so you should respect his being honest with you and cut it off before you continue without love at least from his side. and i am sure you don't want to be with someone who don't love you or deserve your love, it is unfair for both of you. maybe he broke up with you in the wrong time, but according to your life situation i mean your father situation, i think he was trying o do this after your engagement but he was considering what you've been through, but he couldn't handle it any more, and i think this break up is meant to be and it happens now better than in the future, maybe then you will have more problems to deal with and if the break up thing happen then you will feel worse.being friends issues is a joke, you know you can't be his friend any more and he knows that too. especially now, maybe you could but after you healed and consider him as any other person in your life. what you need now is being away from him and continue of your life and he needs that too. and forget the friends thing because friends should be open and honest towards each other and obviously you can't do this any more, at least for now.so what i want you to do now is concentrating on other things in your life other than him, visit a doctor, be more active with your social life, get a job if you don't have any, talk to your mother, and write whatever you feel here. we are always ready to help even with words. and i am sure you can make it and eventually you will be happy again.


it seems you trully loved this guy and he's just been absolutely mean to you. I wish he had been much nicer to you but then so many guys are like this. Honey the thing is many guys are freaked out by Marriage. Yes a guy can easily propose to show his commitment but then in a guys mind with engagement you can always break it of. With marriage theres no break off. I probably believe he did feel strongly for you and he does care but the M word freaked him out. Guys think marriage means being tied down to one girl and never havving any fun because for guys normal fun would include chasing after girls and you can not do this when you married. SO they usually realise this at some point and push you away. If you get back with him and are still engaged to him just try and let him be the one to bring up the M word. Because he will feel like it was his choice not yours. I know its not nice waiting and waiting and you wanna bring it up but sometimes love needs to be patient for the greater good. I just was touched when I read your story because I know from personal experience hard painfull it is to love someoen with all your heart and especially when they are YOUR TRUE Love anfd then they let you down big time.A nervous breakdown in you case was quite healthy and expected and I understand exactly what you are going through because I was in a similar situation in my life about 5 years back. We all recover at different rates so dont stress to much if you aren't getting over it quick enough just let the healing process take its course. I know its easy for people to say get a rebound Boyfriend but that hard especially if you will compare them to the ex and all you really want is a clone of the ex. I just want to say Im sorry for all the pain you been through and to let you know we trappers are here for you. Even thought we can't change your situation but we can support you and and give as great advice for you to get through this easier. It's ok to feel we dont trully understand cause truth is only you in the situation will understand it in full but at least you are not alone.I wish you all the best and I hope you do get through this and Daddy gets better. But when things get tough just remember we are there for you.


it seems you trully loved this guy and he's just been absolutely mean to you.

where in her post did you get that the guy was mean to her? sure, he ended things. but does that deserve the label of being mean? maybe he was doing her a favor not to waste her time so she can actually meet someone who appreciates her more.

sure, anger is something that comes natural sometimes in some people after a breakup when they feel the love and connection is gone. they want to blame someone because they can't deal with the emotional distress but the anger is unfounded as emotions have no brains. you don't think with emotions.....emotions just comes.

also, i am sure she didn't love him as much as she did if he was mean to her. sometimes it's easier to get angry though instread of thinking about the things he DID offer and why she DID love him. she mentioned the fact that how can he do that while she was going through such a hard time knowing her father was ill, but there is never a perfect time for a breakup. excuses can always be made why any time is a bad time.


Hi everyone


I am so sorry for not replying to the thread earlier. I literally did not feel like doing anything or talking about it for the last few days. First thank you all so so much for your tremendous and wonderful support. Everyone here had been very supportive to me and your replies and comments did raise my hopes a bit. I guess it is just that inside me I keep feeling that I can't be with anyone else but him. I am too scared to never be able to love again or to love another man this much in the future. I keep thinking if he was able to leave after 3 years then maybe I did not deserve his love. I know it is wrong to think this way but these are the thoughts filling my head at the moment. What if I never get over him and never move on?


I am too worried about my future. Now that my father is in the ICU between life and death and my ex broke up with me I don't feel secure. It's like my whole world shattered right in front of my eyes and I don't even find the strength to pick up the pieces of my life and make peace with the past. At the moment I hate the night time. All day I am at work so I smile and cheer up and act like nothing is going on. and at home with my mom and sister around they keep me busy but at night I'm all alone staring at the dark night and then all the pain and hurt that I have not been feeling all day haunt me. Sometimes I don't even get any sleep. Sometimes I do but when I wake up I feel it was the worst sleep I ever had although I don't know why but that's how it feels.


My ex and I had been the closest ever. He always says to me that I am the closest person in his entire life. He said that I was the best person he ever knew. He used to be the first to acknowledge me and appreciate me and the person who brings out the best in me. He was always pointing out all the great things about me and I loved myself because of the way I saw myself in his eyes. But after 2 years and a half all of this changed. He suddenly became the person who discouraged me and pulled me down. He pointed out my mistakes and always reminded me of all the bad things in me, he criticized my bad qualities all the time. He reminded me of the failures of my life and how unaccomplished I am. At first when he encouraged me to keep trying to reach my goals, now he pointed out to me that I have not accomplished any of my dreams and have never gotten anywhere. All my world with my ex started shattering slowly and I got hurt by his words over and over again. But I was ready to forgive and move on if he wanted that. Apparently he didn't or he would not have broken up with me.


Anwii thank you so much for reading my thread when you were going to sleep and for staying up to reply to my post. You have no idea how much this means to me and I appreciate it so much.


Web_designer and Mandla I thank you too and appreciate it a lot for sharing your experiences with me and for the advice you had given me. I will try to take it one day at a time.


It is so difficult right now. I miss my ex so much and sometimes I feel if only he touches me one more time or just one hug from him and all will be OK again. i refuse to believe that it is all over. How could it be when 2 and half years out of 3 years had been heavenly wonderful. He is the closest man to me and the most wonderful I had ever met.


I know there probably were many red flags and probably I did contribute to all of this, I don't even know if anything I say right now would be valid or would be considered plain excuses. But I had always believed he felt the same way towards me as I felt towards him. He flirted with me and made a move first. He asked me out and changed our friendship to something greater. He proposed to me. All I did was support his decisions because I wanted the same things too. I just wanted to be with him and that was more than enough for me. Why does he try to confuse me? How could his feelings change towards me if on the same day we broke up and after he said to me that he does not want to marry me anymore, he was jealous of one of my close friends because he was being there for me when I was dealing with my father's condition? What is he trying to do? So he wants to break up with me and Isolate me from the entire world? Perhaps I did make a mistake by loving him...


As for my well-being, well today was a little better but not a lot. I mean I was able to eat but only sweets and diet-pops. I started mapping my life and thinking what's next. It was very hard because everything I thought about included him even if for a minute but I am trying to make it through. Thank you all!


never mind darling, we are always here to listen, to share and to help you with anything we can. believe me i can feel your pain, being alone after all these good times, dealing with your break up and your father issues. but in the same time I AM VERY PROUD OF YOU, feeling a little better today and you ate something, well done. that s only the beginning, you are on the right way, keep on going and you will make it. i am sure you will do.by the way, chocolate or hot chocolate, are very useful to fight depression. this is a scientific fact, just try it and you will see but don't eat them in the night because they contain caffeine and they will prevent you from sleeping. as i told you before, making a full time routine will help you a lot, good you started a one. being with your family is the best thing you can do. good luck and don't forget we are here for you.


you know there is a saying. we are our own worst enemy. it just seems you are punishing yourself in thoughts. don't punish yourself. everyone deserves to be loved and from what i can tell, you are a kind person with lots of love to share yourself. will. as far as getting over him. in a way you will and in a way you wont. i think when people truely love, they always love no matter what happens. but you will move on with your life and it will become easier over time. unfortunately there is no magic pill or medicine you can take to make your situation go away. yes. i believe the nights will be the hardest. it's when people are supposed to wind down.....but instead of winding down, you get wound up in racing thoughts. my suggestion for you is to go see a doctor so that they may be able to prescribe something for you for the time being to help you sleep and so your thoughts don't keep you awake at night. one thing you can do to keep busy at night is to rent or buy or watch online some good movies. no dramas that are going to make you more depressed though. some comedies. you need to find your smile and you deserve to be happy. i wouldn't suggest eating chocolate haha that can be addicting and you may just find yourself gaining 20 pounds. gaining weight ain't no fun either it may just make you more depressed.you have a choice each day you wake up. it can either be a good day or a bad day and it's whatever perspective you choose to see it. your dad needs you too. i know it's hard right now but if life was easy, we wouldn't be pushed to be better people in the experiences we have to live in.your going to be asking yourself all sorts of questions that you think you don't know the answers to. don't punish yourself like that because you will never get closure that way and chances are, you already know the answers. you just don't want to admit them to yourself right now. why did he confuse you? why doesn't he want to marry me after he proposed? am i good enough? will i ever be good enough? will i ever move on? will i ever find someone else to love? how can he say he loves me and dump me? those aren't even half the questions you are probably asking yourself but they need to stop. you are hurting yourself more than he hurt you. you have to stop torturing yourself because you are a better person than that.i know words don't help take the pain away. i wish they did. all i can offer is some support and to let you know that you are not alone. i think everyone feels your pain who has read your words and they care just like i do. i was in a similar experience in at one time in my life. it is a crazy story that happened when i was in my early 30's.the one good thing that came out of all this was you were able to love. that's important. a lot of people aren't able to do that. you are going to take the positive out of what you got from this relationship and move forward. you are going to know yourself better and be stronger to continue on one day and be successful with whatever you put your mind to. don't think otherwise because you ARE better than that and it would be a shame if what you have inside goes to waste because you feel you aren't good enough. you are. believe it. it's his loss...and as you already know....yours too. but that is life and we have to have the right coping skills to deal with those rough times. keep us all informed in how you are doing when you feel like talking and just know you have some people who care here....


i wouldn't suggest eating chocolate haha that can be addicting and you may just find yourself gaining 20 pounds. gaining weight ain't no fun either it may just make you more depressed.



COMMON, anwiii. i just sugested her a few pieces or chocolate or a cup of hot chocolate. not big deal since she hardly eat anything, and now even doctors suggest these things.


i will suggest you another thing, if you felt angry and you want to do something, go to exercise even for a walk. especially in the dawn, when the breeze is so fresh. this will relax you a lot.


at night if you can't sleep, just read an iteresting book and listen to soft music. i hope you like reading,it is the best. watching a funny movie is good too, just don't stay n bed thinking. and if you start feeling angry at him and you want revenge just pm me and i have a great way hahahaaa, not evil but funny and useful waiting more from you, hopping you will be fine soon.


i know that but i wanted to point out that eating is only a substitute for depression. it doesn't fix it and it does have it's bad side affects along with the good ones . yes, chocolate can help, but it is also psychologically addicting. actually, a good suggestion would be to join a gym that stays open 24 hours. that way, she can release some of this built up negative energy at night when it's the hardest for her. but if she does this, she really needs to eat something or she wont have the energy. i don't know if she has a gym that stays open 24 hours near her though but it's a great alternative.i remember when i was severely depressed, i didn't even want to go out. i was living with my parents at the time and i didn't want to stay there either. i didn't want to talk about anything and i didn't was people seeing me like i was. i didn't feel i fit in anywhere. i couldn't even work. i was a driver and i had too many close call accidents from thinking too much while driving so i had to quit. i would spend every single day either in my room alone or outside thinking. at night, i would drive to the park which was only a few blocks away and drink. i didn't want to live. the pain was too great and i had a pistol to my head ever night sqeezing it slowly. i didn't want to die, but i didn't want to live either and although i was pretty sure i wouldn't sqeeze it all the way, i was hoping it would go off by accident.now what helped me through it all was a few things. i would force myself to tell myself every day that i was a good person and had a lot to offer and it would be a shame if i were to just give up and die not knowing how my life would have turned out. i am what you call a late bloomer and i didn't know as much about myself back then as i do now. nor did i understand life as much as i do now. what also helped was to dwell on my situation when everyone was telling me it was bad for me. but instead of thinking about the negative, i was trying to be objective through my depression. eventually, i cam to many realizations. in a way, even though i am not relgious, i think god talked to me because i had somewhat of a god-like experience one day. after that, it was much easier to move on and be productive. what made everything worse is that i had introduced her to all my friends. i was a dart player and got her in the dart scene. she would still show up playing small weekend tournaments. i couldn't handle seeing her face so eventually i decided to leave my past friends behind and find new ones. i started playing darts at another place, met new friends(better friends as it turned out). i would put on a fake smile every time i went out. the jukebox would play songs that would remind me of her but in the long run, forcing myself to go out and socialize helped me a lot. plus, it all took place at night which was better than going to the park and drinking and holding a gun to my head. i don't think to this day my friends realize that they saved my life because i wouldn't talk about it. i know what they did though and have been there for them ever since when THEY needed someone even though it comes naturally to me anyway. the reason i didn't want to talk about it was because i knew people would just say the same old crap that didn't help me. and i just didn't want to hear the same crap. the only person i really talked to was my mom and i was even getting tired of her words and suggestions. truth is, other people couldn't fix what i was going through. only *I* could when i was READY to do that. it had to have been the toughest period in my life and i survived it. it's also important to know that each and every person has something to offer the world, even though we probably wont get famous for it. we are all unique and we are all special in our own ways. this is something important to realize when going through hard times like this because i can't stress this enough. it would be a SHAME not to know how our life turned out if we gave up instead of fighting for who we are. personally, i like helping people. i have met so many people in my life in all sorts of situations and it would have been a shame if i gave up back then. otherwise a piece of me wouldn't have traveled on in to other people. i know this about myself to be true even though i don't go out of my way talking about it. but it is just an example of why we need to fight for our own selves. to see exactly what we are capable of and to know that we CAN make it through those bad times and be stronger for it and love ourselves even more than before.hurt4love- you talked about how you can go on mapping out your life. you don't know how because this guy was always a part of your map. my advice to you on that one is DON'T! don't map out your life. from what i know about life is the best and most fullfilling things in life happen unexpectedly. if you start mapping out your life, all you are doing is forcing yourself to think about this guy. you're just punishing yourself again. you don't have to go out searching for life. life has a way of finding us......but we DO have to force ourselves sometimes to do the things that we know is inside us. just go with the flow.....let life flow naturally. don't try to force anything that you have no control over. you will just be setting yourself up for more pain. one of the hardest parts was moving on without the one i loved. it was tough. i mean, i used to ask myself the same dumb questions every day! then i realized i was asking all the wrong questions. my emotions and hurt was interfering with my rational thinking. what was also tough was to see how easy it was for her to move on. i only THOUGHT it was easy for her. while i was living in hell, a few months later, she was dating some other guy. in truth though, she was hurting too and didn't know what to do either. i had a chance to take her back one day but decided after everything i had been through, it was best just to move on without her. that seems hypocritical but it's not. she broke up with me. as a result, i always wanted her back....but in the end, i didn't take her back when i had the chance. i made that decision for a few reasons i wont state here. i will still always love her though. my point is that it's harder when we feel we have no control over our lives. but when we do have that control, life seems easier to deal with so it's important to know that even though he may have broken up with you, you have to justify it your for your own self so you are able to move on and have closure. you have to know that you have choices even though they may seem limiting. some people think they are left with no choices but that isn't true! you just have to justify why you are better off without him and make the choice to leave him too without the thoughts that you had no choice since he left YOU.now i am not going to say i understand your pain fully, but i did want to show that i felt a very similar pain in my past when it was just so hard to move on. i also want to some up my whole post.the starting point to heal your pain comes from within side your own self.....knowing who you are and forcing yourself to lead the life you were meant to live. eventually you wont have to force yourself, then pain will go away, and life will be different for you in a way you never expected right now. you have to believe in yourself and who you are to be able to live that life you know that is inside you. you will one day look back on this situation and know that being with him wasn't a mistake. he made you a better person when you were together and the situation after the breakup made you a better person. this i PROMISE you will happen because this is one of the things i understand about life and dealing with the crap life has to offer us sometimes.


Well since I posted my story earlier on this forum I don't want to post it again so as not to bore anyone. Basically the last week or two had been the most difficult for me. My Birthday is tomorrow and since my father is well finally and is coming back home today my mother and siblings have found a reason to celebrate. But this must be the worst Birthday ever for me and I don't feel like even remembering it. My ex called me yesterday and the words we exchanged were so harsh. He wanted to settle our work since we used to work together and I quit after we broke up. I have another job now but all he wanted was to get the information he needed for his business to go well. I was torn all over again last night. I hated him like anything. He was blaming me for everything and even our problems and arguments. He blamed me for the way he treated me and you know what hurts we've broken up two weeks ago and he just called now to say that he had done the right thing and he still wants to be friends but if we are not then it is my fault because I am refusing his friendship. He does not see that he done mistakes and he is so righteous he says it's all in my head. I really thought that after few months he will realize what he had lost and the beautiful things he gave up with me. I thought he was going to miss me. But now after his call yesterday I feel like he will never get back to me and like he will never miss me. I started questioning did I really mean anything to him and did our 3 years together really special to him as he says they were? He did this two nights before my birthday and he did not even care to let me move on with my life. I am in so much pain right now. I have no ideas what to make out of all of this any longer. I had not had any sleep and cried the whole night and before he hung up he said to me I will speak to you soon! What part of "I need to move on so I will not talk to you anymore" does he not understand? I feel so devastated and it is as if I can't breathe from the pain I feel.


Well since I posted my story earlier on this forum I don't want to post it again so as not to bore anyone.


well unfortunately if you did then it will be deleted becacse double posts are a crime here


any way, i must say that i am so so proud of you since you are doing better than before, i told you, you are a strong person and this is a phase in your life to learn from it. leaving your work with him is one of the best steps that you took to move on with your life, i am really proud of you. you did exactly the right thing.


now i think calling you just two days before your birthday is so unacceptable, but i think he didn't do it if he needed those things so much because he knows 100% that you will discuss about other things. so i think you should collect all the information that he wants and send it to him either by email or by another person and write to him very clearly that you can't be friends any more at least for now and he sould be far away, very very far away from you and by this you cut every connection with him for both of you sake. and when the day comes and you 've been healed, then you will see if you can be friends again. and if he calls again, close the telephone in his face


also i really think all this discussing and blaming each other is so natural and healthy, better than keep things inside you and let them eat you inside. this is kind of releasing that may hurt you now but will heal you faster. and all that swings between love and hate is also natural and healthy. but what i want you to do is STAND IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR AND SAY "ENOUGH", yes enough for you, no more pain, no more tears, enough, you will be fine without him, even much more better. you don't need him darling, you are a mature and smart person and if your way crosses with his for a certain time, so what, you are separated now and you have your own way to walk in. you have the whole life in front of you, just convincing yourself with this and thi is a step forward. just believe in your inner strength and you will be fine.


and believe me after what you feel now even if he felt regret and wants to come back to you, i don't think it's gonna work for you after all these wounds. your wounds will be in your way ALWAYS, i remember someone said " people can forget but not forgive" and unfortunately it is a sad fact but it is right not everyone could forgive even he forgot. so just give up on him and start a new life.


you can start from today, stop your tears, and decide to control your life, i know it hard to be done, and what i am writing are just words but it is a beginning. just believe it yourself and you can do it. start by your birthday party, be with your family, celebrate your dady recovery, show them how much you are strong and have fun. you can do it by distracting yourself, go to shopping for your birthday, contribute with the arrangements of your birthday. think that this is your birthday and even if he isn't here this year but he is not the whole life for you. you have your own family and friends and they are all next by you. finally i hope my words will help you a little and let me say by the Xisto community name




just make sure you give him everything he needs the FIRST time so he wont have to bother you with his stuff and you don't have to be reminded. ya know? i know it's going to be a crappy birthday but there really isn't any good time for a breakup. he probably DOES miss you though. he wan't to be friends but all this blaming stuff needs to stop. he blames you, you blame him. i know it's not easy, but you don't have to hate eachother in the process. i am sure in some way that hating him makes it easier but you don't move on by lying to yourself. like the hopes that you two might get back together.it may be a lousy birthday and you feel you have nothing to smile about and god forbid anyone else does when you are so miserable, but your dad is doing better and family is forever....not like broken relationships. it's something to be thankfull for because they wont leave you....i do have to agree that being friends right now is out of the question and i hope he knows by now to care enough about you to make it easier for you to move on and not contact you but you. it's not good to keep all this crap inside so i'm glad you are posting about it. when the nights seem so miserable, you should always come back and post and update. somewhere out there, there is someone going through what you are and anything you post about me help them knowing they aren't alonehappy birthday anyway! maybe it's a day when you can decide to make a new start. when chapters of our lives close, other doors always open up. you just have to be able to see those doors rather than focus on the things that can be easy distractions.


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