Lies To Use As Screen Names

[Killer008r 0]

I got bored one day so I wrote a bunch of lies to one day maybe use as a MSN screen name or somthing I haven't used them so I guess you can here they are:

 

-----You did not write these... They came from Dave's Web of Lies... I have put them in quotes. -----szupie

 

Highlighter pens are made from squashed fireflies abdomens.

 

Ganesha, the elephant-headed Hindu god, has become so fed up with being confused with Dennis the Menace's dog that he has changed his name to Snowy.

 

Horses are simply zebras which have been painted with rustproof coating for their own protection.

 

Spiders are taught to act scary at a very young age. Before attending scariness seminars, most spiders are quite friendly.

 

The common antelope is the only animal known to play contract bridge.

 

In 1962, just before the Bay of Pigs disaster, John F. Kennedy authorised the creation of a World Wide Information Super Collider. The intention was to hurl American Knowhow around the Earth at higher and higher speeds in an attempt to create some sort of quantum jump effect in the sum of human knowledge. The Internet is the result of this failed top-secret US government experiment.

 

The planet Neptune is sentient.

 

Bruce Willis rears monkeys on a ranch in Mexico for an ambitious project to invade Neptune in the year 2012.

 

The planet Saturn went on a hot date with Neptune, resulting in the myriad moons orbiting Jupiter.

 

It is a common misconception that the only creatures ever to fly have had wings. The species Lupidi Floticus (a close relative of the modern rabbit) were actually lighter than air, though died out due to lack of food sources. One in seven plane crashes are thought to be due to their fossilised remains being sucked into aircraft engines.

 

To save fuel, aircraft crossing the equator routinely shut down and then restart each of each of their engines to spin in the opposite direction.

 

One cylinder in every 4 stroke engine is on strike, as a protest about high fuel prices.

 

Teams of Japanese scientist on a project to reverse engineer the successful Dyson cleaner made an astonishing discovery this week. One of the main internal components is a self regenerating candy floss machine which uses a tiny sensor to match the colour of the candy floss to that of your carpet, thus creating the illusion that all of the fluff you see blowing around in the plastic cylinder has been sucked up from your floor.

 

The breath test was first used in Middle Kingdom Egypt, so that the pharaoh might punish those who paddled boats along the Nile under the influence of too much beer. Early breath tests used a "bag" made from a crocodile's bladder and the testee could be kept "blowing" for anything up to four and a half hours.

 

The bow tie was originally designed to be a multi-function personal helicopter/ninja weapon. However, after thirty-two decapitations the testers union went out on strike and manufacturers were forced to swap the tungsten-carbide blades for brightly coloured silk.

 

Only a ninja can kill a ninja.

 

President George Bush employs a highly-skilled ninja attack cormorant as security on his weekly visits to Paraguay.

 

 

Searched for 'ninja'

Copies of "Armageddon", "Debbie Does Dallas", "The Blob" and "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" have been sealed in a time capsule at the base of the Washingtom Monument. These four films are intended as an accurate depiction of late 20th Century life.

 

In his four year term, Franklin Pierce thwarted and dismembered 285 ninja assassins.

 

The martial art of Ninjitsu was originally developed by 17th Century Japanese interior designers as a means of knocking through partition walls.

 

Arthur Askey appeared in nineteen episodes of "The Dukes of Hazzard"

 

In a recent survey 1,000 people were asked what they thought of being surveyed. Of those who answered 95% said they didn't mind.

 

In a survey of recently married women 46% claimed the main advantage of men was that they could reach things down from high places.

 

Publishers are today frantically updating joke books following the results of a survey at London's Royal Veterinary College: after studying over 500 dogs with no nose it was found that they, on average, smell 30% more pleasant than conventional dogs.

 

The Sony Playstation was invented after a public transport customer survey found that bus and train stations were simply too dull.

 

A recent survey of species intelligence yielded the surprising information that the three most intelligent species on the planet are three-toed sloths, euglenas (single-celled organisms with flagellum, which behave as both plants and animals) and a species of bacteria usually located in the lower digestive tract. The study also produced evidence to support the theory that men and women are different species: while man was only the 47th most intelligent species on the planet, woman was ranked 38th on the list.

 

A 1995 survey of 253,950 gay men in New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, and Seattle found that 93% of their parents were women, and that 4 to 7 per cent of the men themselves were women as well.

 

Nearly 75% of marsupials do not exist. In certain parts of Southeast Asia, however, the marsupial nonexistence rate is in excess of three times this figure. A recent survey revealed that one in a hundred people attribute the discrepancy directly to "Baby Spice" Emma Bunton.

 

Bartichokes are a rare and tasty variety of artichoke sold only at Asda stores, they are not to be confused with cartichokes or dartichokes which do not exist. 

 

The number of people in the UK having imaginary friends is three times greater than the actual number of imaginary friends in existence.

 

It is possible to deduce the existence of watermelons from the commonly-accepted mathematical axioms of set theory.

 

Doctor James Hermandaz of Orinoco University, Battersea, heavily disputes the premise that going back in time and killing your grandfather will erase your existence from the space time continuum. Upon investigation, a team of scientists went a hundred years into the past and murdered the grandparents of Doctor Hermandez, only to return to the present to discover that Hermandez had fled the country.

 

Doctor Matthew Sebastian of Hilderthorpe University, Perugia, has formulated the first recipe for an anti-matter chipatti.

 

The human neck is de-evolving, and it is estmated by the University of Hull that it will be up to 4cm shorter and have a turning range of only 8 degrees by the year 2080.

 

Historians at Darlington University have recently discovered that pigs used to be farmed upside-down.

 

In order to attract more students and simultaneously cut costs, Aston University is going to sell off all of its buildings and equipment and become the world's first 100% virtual university, complete with virtual lecturers, virtual bars and virtual students programmed not to show up and occasionally put virtual washing-up liquid in the virtual fountains.

 

Anyone using the word "sundry" in a speech at the University of Arizona will be beaten by local barbers.

 

Computer science researchers at the University of Lancaster have developed a two-sided canoe that can be used in all three seasons.

 

Aspirin, a common analgesic drug sometimes referred to as ASA, was first derived from the inner bark of the Kauri tree in New Zealand. It was first synthesized at the University of Waikato, Hamilton, New Zealand, and was originally marketed under the trade name "Danger: Poison".

 

Do mountain goats suffer from vertigo? Recent studies by the Lhasa University in Tibet has proved that 51% of mountain goats do suffer from a paralysing fear of heights and only feel comfortable on rock-strewn plains.

 

A recent graduate project at the University of Minnesota allows the sending of tea through the Internet.

 

Recently, Oxford University's Terpsichorean Society discovered the conclusion of Mozart's unfinished "Requiem" in muzak form on a touchphone service of major banking corporation..

 

University statutes at the Massachusets Institute of Technology allow anyone arriving in a palanquin and dressed entirely in saffron robes to park free anywhere on the university grounds.

 

The movie "Planet of the Apes" is actually based on a true story. For three months in 1977 highly intelligent apes actually controlled all city functions in Quincy, Massachusetts.

 

Manchester University was founded by an order of fragrant monks who funded the university by selling photos of little old ladies to the French.

 

A degree in silliness is available from the university of silly located on the silly isles.

 

New research from the University of Lower Hutt in New Zealand suggests that the ordinary Personal Computer eats up to three pencils a day.

 

By applying an extension of Harnab's theory to fuzzy circles, Professor Ad de Verlius of the Free University of Amsterdam has shown that there is not just one number Pi, but an infinite series of identical numbers mostly having values between 4 and 5.

 

Source: Dave's Web of Lies

I will add in more when i come up with them.
Edited May 19, 2005 by szupie (see edit history)

[Zechs007 0]

you have too much time on your hands my friend...

[Rudy1405241475 0]

I get it your tutor was out sick for the week and you had nothing to do. Next time try writing a book. hehe

[-AlPal- 0]

Hee hee... You do have too much time. Pretty funny quotes, though.- AlPal

[szupie 0]

Uhh... How are you going to use those long quotes as your screen name?

[jipman 0]

'ts better to use them as signatures for email,

[overture 0]

i think he ment using them as the optional text. what others will see you as on their contact list like: "overture - The common antelope is the only animal known to play contract bridge."