Top Ten Reasons.... po po theme

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Top Ten Signs The Case is Getting Thrown Out

Your warrant was signed by a guy at Taco Bell.

The arrestee is named Kennedy.

You recognize half the jury because you've arrested them on more than one occasion.

Judge's nickname - "The Dismissinator."

The defense has pictures of the Chinese food in the fridge at the crime lab.

Your probable cause is "a whiff of mischief in the autumn breeze."

he's a she.

There's audio tape of your partner saying "You have the right to howl in pain as I beat you without mercy."

Your main witness threw up exactly on pint of Schnapps on the way to the stand.

Johnny Cochran

Top Ten Ways To Tell You Need To See A Psychiatrist

The squirrels in your yard are singing Whitney Houston songs.

You put five large on the Red Sox to win the world series.

You're upset that Steven Seagal has never won an Oscar for best actor.

You feel like you should probably blow up the mailbox on the corner because it's broad-casting your location to alien mercenaries.

The only thing you still enjoy is killing small animals.

You've agreed to clean up police corruption in Mexico City and you don't speak Spanish. (NYPD only.)

You're lonely because you ate all your friends.

It's for sure. Saddam Hussein is your UPS guy.

You bought the American Idol CD.

Court denies your request for a restraining order against one of your personalities

Top Ten Things A Wife Will Never Say To Her Husband

The hot new girl in my office is a real beauty, and a stripper too. I invited her over for dinner on Tuesday.

Are you sure you've had enough to drink?

No, no, don't change. I think it's cool when you wear sweatpants to a nice restaurant.

You know, I've been complaining a lot lately. I don't blame you for ignoring me.

Do me a favor, forget that whole "Valentine's Day" thing and just go get yourself some of those expensive cigars you like.

I'll be out painting the house.

God you're sexy when you're hung over!

I think it's probably the fuel injector.

I got you a subscription to Hustler.

Bar food again? Kick *bottom*!

Top Ten Bad Ideas For Police T-Shirt Slogans

Kickin' your *bottom* since 1945.

You can run, but you'll only die tired.

The guy I locked up's kid was student of the month at Chester Elementary.

You got to ask yourself one question, "Do I feel lucky?" Well do ya, punk?

I busted a heroin ring, saved a drowning dog and shot an armed bank robber before he killed the hostage and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

I'd rather be a sky marshal.

I hate cheese. (Wisconsin only)

Have you hugged a police officer today? Or at least offered them a gratuity?

NYPD or FDNY (These logos are now the property of everyday Americans who bought them online before either department had them licensed for retail sales.)

I hate my job so don't push your luck

The Top Ten Reasons To Get Completely Pissed Off

Lance Bass from N-Sync is paying the Russian space program $20 million for a trip into orbit. Note to Russkies: there's another $20 million in it for you if you leave him up there.

Mailman reported your "suspicious behavior" to the feds and now they want to see your porn collection.

There is one 9/11 perpetrator in custody.

Including Goobers and Bon-Bons, it costs a working person $75 to take a family of four to "Lilu and Stitch."

All the politicians are going to skate on these insider trading charges and you'll probably get audited for trying to write off a business lunch.

The limey dude on American Idol.

There is a professional baseball player who signed a contract for $250 million and they're talking about a strike.

People are giving you a hard time just because you tried to write yourself a prescription for Xanax and bailed on your court-ordered rehab. (Bush daughters only.)

Your parents remember Neil Armstrong walking on the moon. Your kids will remember N-Synch singing, "Girl I be kissing you baby," from space.

CD wrappers.

Top Ten Rejected Non-Lethal Weapons

Spidey-goo

Nerf crossbow

Bean bag chair cannon

Gun that shoots noodles

Razor-edged titanium boomerangs

Radio controlled rats

Salami nunchucks

Ascorbic acid super-soakers

Snapping turtles (Harbor Patrol only)

Jennifer Lopez CDs

Top Ten Threats to National Security

Geraldo Rivera with a gun in Afghanistan.

Assassination attempts by salted snack foods on the President.

Executives like the ones who cashed out from Enron.

Shoe-bombs.

Failure to address wage increases for overworked public safety personnel.

Sleeper cells.

Continued warnings to be on incredibly ultimate highest state of alertness.

Mike Tyson.

Imported beef products (mad cow).

Al Sharpton's plans to run for President.

Top Ten Ways To Get Terrorist Suspects to Talk

Pamela Anderson.

Bring in Sipowicz.

Offer them ground-floor shares in the bio-tech firm that manufactures that anti-anthrax antibiotic.

Make them watch the Jerry Lewis telethon in its entirety.

Truth serum? Forget sodium pentathol - try Budweiser.

Give them just one Pringle potato chip.

Let them drink all the lemonade they want and lock the bathrooms.

Tell them they're going to star in a new reality TV show called Terrorist's Love Cruise.

Threaten to put them in the same cell as O.J.

Beat them without mercy for as long as it takes. Then shoot them

The Top Ten Reasons for the Drop in Crime

70 percent of former crooks are now consultants for Microsoft.

Armed robbers are addicted to "Who wants to be a Millionaire?"

Survivor."

Increased traffic congestion makes drive-by shootings extremely difficult.

Bad guys sure do love those Harry Potter books.

Playstation 2.

Prozac.

No ten-year-old who's ever seen an episode of Oz is going to risk incarceration.

Compstat.

A lot of overworked, underpaid cops busting their *bottom* to make a better place.

"To Serve and Protect" Motto Replacements

"To unnerve and suspect"

"You call, we brawl"

"To provide you idiots with outstanding police services"

"No call's too small"

"Deserving and neglected since 1865"

"To serve and protect, despite the current provisions as laid out in the city's proposed contract"

"Enforcement with a smile"

"To be slightly injured and collect"

"If we're not there in 10 minutes you get a free pizza"

"Cops-r-Us"

Rejected SWAT Team T-shirts

"Ready to rumble."

"Be afraid . . . be very afraid."

"I got yer can'a whoop-*bottom* right here."

"You call, we kill."

"Death-o-gram."

"I completed a special sniper-training course in Austria and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."

"Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

"If it bleeds, we can kill it."

"The Legion of Doom."

"I came to bring the pain."

Ways to tell you're spending too much time on-line

You call your kids "Whatâs his face and the other one."

Youâre skipping car payments to cover bills from AOL.

Youâve been to every web site on earth, twice.

You created a home page for your favorite shirt.

You get personal "Thank You" notes from Bill Gates.

Youâve got 54 hot and heavy romances going at once in chat rooms at federal prisons.

You have a Kevlar mouse pad.

Your modem melted.

When the guys ask you if you to "come out for a beer" you have no idea what theyâre talking about.

You don't even look at TV anymore

Ways to Tell You Have Anger Management Issues

You have no citizen complaints in your file because they all died during the struggle.

It takes you twice as many drinks as shift-hours worked to unwind when the tour's over.

Everyone calls you "Hurricane Eddie."

Youâve been on the job two years and youâre on your eighth cruiser.

Your family sleeps in a treehouse in the backyard.

For some reason you are reading lots of books dealing with the construction of letter-bombs.

Crime rates in your patrol area mysteriously drop to zero during your working hours, while the baddest bad guys hide and whimper in their apartments.

Youâre known as, "the guy who got into a fistfight with a Rottweiler and a pit bull."

Instead of counting to 10 when you get really mad, you have to count to 220,000.

Your evaluations suck, but somehow you're the only one the boss hasn't verbally assaulted over job performance.

Things you don't want to hear during surgery

The watchamacallit is making that noise again.

I guess we should have checked to make sure the donor organ arrived before we started the transplant.

Scapel. No not that one, I need the curvy one.

Hey doc, isn't this the guy that arrested your wife?

What the hell did I do with that spleen?

I wouldn't worry about it Dr. Harris. People are like cars...lots of exrtra parts.

Well what if he does find out we left the clamp in?

The back-up generators should kick in any minute now.

More tequilla shooters, stat!

The shin bones connected to the leg bone, but what is the leg bone connected to? I knew I should have memorized that song

Edited April 18, 2005 by microscopic^earthling (see edit history)