Funny Stuff funny things

[mew10331405241477 0]

k i am gonna post over here now also. i posted at Xisto this same thing but i am gonna post it here 2 so that people who arn't registered there can see it too. and vice versa.

[mew10331405241477 0]

ohh ya i forgots. the reason i am doing this is because i have a mind that wonders freely by itself and i have 2 chase it to keep up. ITS HARD!!! so i decided to leash it up and write funny excusses to TONS of different things. if u like any of them reply to this post and ill try to make up more just for u then post them here. anyway, what else can i do at three in the morning.now.... ON TO THE BUSTING UP.......

[mew10331405241477 0]

here are 20 excusses to give to ur emplyerbullet 1. I won't be in today. My fish is sick and I need to take it to the vet.bullet 2. My neighbor's daughter got a round hair brush stuck in her hair and I need to help her get it out.bullet 3. I won't be in today because I have come down with Spring Fever.bullet 4. I fell off a ladder fixing the roof on my house and I landed on my elbow.bullet 5. Last night in San Francisco I was attacked by a gay guy who didn't like the remarks I made about him and he hit me in the face and broke the windshield of my car with a small bat that I tried to hit him with.bullet 6. I have a head achebullet 7. I don't think I'll be in work for awhile. Yesterday I was riding my son's BMX bike and I fell and broke my ankle it two places and I'm in the hospital.bullet 8. I won't be in today. I'm still drunk from last night.bullet 9. I'm not coming in because I need a mental day.bullet 10. Last night we had a party and I woke up with a strange man in my bed!bullet 11. My car caught on fire on the way to work so I can't make it in.bullet 12. My car ran out of gas on the way to work. I was pushing it to a gas station and I got a stomach hernia and I have to go to the doctors.bullet 13. My cat got ran over by a motorcycle and I need to take it to the vet.bullet 14. My boyfriend hit me over the head with a speaker and I'm kind of messed up.bullet 15. I was stepping down out of my trailer and I missed the step and when I landed on the ground I messed up my back.bullet 16. Called in on Tuesday I won't be able to come to work for the rest of the week. My shrink put me on a depressant pill yesterday and I was up all night wired. I'm in zombieland right now and I don't want to drive in fear of an accident, or run the machines in fear of getting hurt or dismembered. I need the rest of the week off cause my body needs to adjust to the medication. So I need the last three days as vacation days because I've missed too much time already and I can't afford to miss anymore .bullet 17. I won't be in today or Ever Again. I've found a way to earn money by staying at home working on my puter. I'm tired of getting paid for punching a time clock, working my but off on a J.O.B (Just Over Broke) 9 to 5 and retiring with $ 0 in my bank account, forced to live of the Government and taxpayers. If you want to know what I'll be doing, send an email to: Cookie18@SmartBot.NET Hooray! Freedom at Last!bullet 18. Tom Robbins says: "any one who goes to work everyday... everyday... IS sick! so, 'call in well' to work today!bullet 19. Had to be rushed to hospital for coffee burns on my lap be in tomorrow!bullet 20. I cant come to work today because the city is paving my street and I cant get out!

[mew10331405241477 0]

k here is the next set i made up. they are ways to dodge the police. bullet 1. Please excuse me from this speeding ticket. My wife ran off with a state policeman and when I saw your flashing lights I didn't stop because I thought you might be the trooper who is trying to bring her back to me.bullet 2. When I was 16 I was pulled over for running a yellow light. When the officer (male) asked why I had done it, I replied without thinking. "My dog was neutered today and I have to get home and check him out." Needless to say, I didn't get a ticket that day."bullet 3. I was driving Braille in a old VW bug coming home from San Francisco late one night with a friend and we had been drinking. A California Highway Patrol car stopped us and asked why my car was swaying back and forth and if I had been drinking. I told him that the front-end of my car was in really bad shape and couldn't help driving like that. I told him I had one drink and wasn't drunk. He gave me a sobriety test and somehow I passed and he believed my story. He turned to the other patrolman and said..." I told you he probably had something wrong with his front-end." Then he let me drive on home. There wasn't anything wrong with my car!bullet 4. Oh, officer, I've been living in Germany for so many years that I forgot how to read the signs in miles per hour. I sure am glad to be home and have someone remind me! He let me go with a warning.bullet 5. Oh, I know what happened, my brother told me that he had some really good tires for my old car here, but they were a little bit bigger than the old ones. That must have thrown off the cruise-control, because I had it set at 67 mph, like usual." I was scolded for trying to go two miles over the speed limit, and let go.bullet 6. This guy was driving down the freeway and was stopped by the California Highway Patrol for talking on his cell phone, shaving with his electric razor and steering the car with his elbow all at the same time!bullet 7. A guy was driving down a country road, at night, in a convertible and he heard a loud noise in the back of his car. Apparently a deer was jumping out of the bush into the road and landed in the back seat of his car. Needless to say the man was very startled and was lucky not to get into an accident.bullet 8. A guy hit a deer and thought he killed it. Thinking that it would be good eating, he put the deer in the back of his car. The deer was only stunned and when it woke up it started to kick the driver tried to bite him. He pulled over with the deer still stuck in his car. As he was walking to a near by phone booth to call for help, a dog started to chase him and trapped him in the phone booth where he had to call the police and explain his troubles.bullet 9. This excuse I have actually used and it worked. I had gotten pulled over for speeding, and I told the cop I had dropped a cigarette in my lap, and while lifting my butt up to retrieve it, I must have inadvertently pushed down on the gas pedal...bullet 10. A couple years ago, my dad told me that I had a headlight out on my car just as I was ready to head back to my own place. I'd intended to get a new bulb, but I was really busy and forgot about it. As I was driving home after dark that evening, I was about two miles from home when a state trooper pulled me over and asked me if I knew that I had a headlight out. I didn't want a ticket, so even though my dad had told me about it, I put my best " dumb broad " face on and acted really surprised, then thanked the officer profusely for warning me about the problem and asked where I could get a new headlight that late on a Sunday evening. The cop let me off with just a warning and even gave me directions to a 24-hour Wal-Mart.bullet 11. Sorry officer I was leading in the Indianapolis 500...but I think I took a wrong turn! This is a true excuse I used when I was about 19 years old...the policeman was laughing so hard he told me to get going, but not to use that line again because he would spread it around...he said it was the most original one he had heard in his 9 years as a Prince George's County police officer.bullet 12. Hey Officer, what did you pull me over for? " ""Well son, you were speeding and weaving all over the road. Oh I know, I ran out of beer about 2 miles back and I was in a hurry to get some more!bullet 13. I was driving on the NJ Turnpike about 8 years ago and it was about 3 am and quite foggy. On the turnpike they have these brightly lit signs that say "Speed Limit 45" or "Slow" anyway, I had seen several of these signs and disregarded them - because my goal was to get to my parents house in record time. Eventually, I came upon a State Trooper who was waiting on the median, in the fog, for someone like me. He pulled me over, asked me how fast I thought I was going and I said 65. He asked me if I had seen any of these brightly lit signs, I said "no". He also asked me how long I had been driving that morning and I said "a couple of hours". He said, "are you sure you didn't see any of those signs", I said " I'm sorry officer I'm usually pretty attentive when I drive and I didn't see any signs". He couldn't believe what I told him. I heard him yell back to his partner "Can you believe this guy didn't see the signs". He was so disgusted that I said I didn't see the signs he let me go. I was cracking up after they left. BTW, I do believe it is dangerous to drive in the fog. All I can say is that I was young and dumb at the time and thought I was invincible. I now know better. The above excuse I borrowed from my Dad. He told me a story once when he was a young man and wanted to make a U-turn. Well there was, what my Dad said, was the world's largest No U-turn sign. Well, that's where he made the U-turn. The police pulled him over and his excuse - "I didn't see the sign officer". Hey, it worked for my Dad!bullet 14. This lady got pulled over for speeding. She thanked the trooper for stopping her. He said: Mam, why are you thanking me? She replied: It was they only way I knew to get tickets to the troopers Ball. Mam, he said, I can't get you any tickets because troopers don't have any balls.bullet 15. Hi officer, I am sorry that I was speeding, you see, my sister (whispering) thinks she is Queen Elizabeth and I was trying to take her to the mental hospital right up the street there. (audibly now) The Queen thought that I was driving too slow and so she told me to step on it. (whispering again) And believe me you don't want to tick off the Queen. ( Heard from the back seat) My good man what seems to be the trouble? Can't a Queen go out and about without being harassed? Don't you have some peasant you could be bothering? At this point the officer decided to give them a police escort to the loony bin. The Queen was more than happy to be treated in such a way and the person driving got off without a ticket. I guess the officer needed a good laugh that day.bullet 16. I live in a very small town, population about 600...one night I was driving home with my children and came thru town doing 55 *35 mph limit*. Oh course the city police officer pulled me over. He walks up to the window and I before he can say anything I look at him and say in the most hateful tone I can, " I know!! I was doing 55 in a 35 mph zone. I have been arguing with my teenage daughter and the more she talked the madder I got. So you going to write me up or what? " He looks at me so shocked, turns around, walks to his car, gets in and leaves. *laughs* I guess he figured it wasn't worth it to mess with a very angry mom.bullet 17. I had just moved to Utah from another state. The population of this area had increased greatly causing traffic to be a problem. I was so frustrated with the lack of left turn signals at every intersection. It seemed that the only way to turn left was on a yellow light. I was waiting to turn left, the intersection was pretty far apart, so I poised my foot to hit the gas as so as the light turned green. I turned left before the old lady on the other side had even stepped on the gas. A cop, out of now where pulled me over. He knew exactly what I was gonna try to do. He told me that I had made it safely across, but I did not have the right of way. I explained my frustration with the lack of turn signals in this area. He agreed and let me go.bullet 18. We were visiting my 88 year old grandmother in rural Mississippi. She insisted that she take us all out to eat at her favorite catfish place at Enid Dam. She also insisted that we drive in her car, a 15 year old tank of a thing that sat crooked on its frame from a time she used to drive about three years before. My husband and grandma were in the front with my 7 year old son who had colored his face with markers to look like Skeletor. I sat in the back with my daughter 5 and 2. As we were driving down an empty country road, a policeman going the other direction must have been relieved to see someone he could harass. He pulled us over. He asked my husband for his driver's license and did he know he was speeding. My husband said yes. the cops took a good look at each one of us in the car. My grandmother leaned over to look and him and said "We're gonna go have us some dam catfish." The cop gave my husband a "you poor SOB" look and told us to go on.bullet 19. I was going home during the afternoon and for no reason was speeding. I was doing about 80 in a 55 when a cop pulled me over. Before the cop could say anything, I said to him "I know I am speeding, my girlfriend is in labor at the hospital in Silsbee (about 30 miles away) and I want to be there before the baby is born. Its my first kid". The cop looked at me and said "Slow it down a little son, you want to get there alive" and wished me good luck. I took off. At the time I didn't have a girlfriend, much less a kid on the way. ;)bullet 20. My friend, who at the time was a drunken 17 year old boy, was asked if he had been drinking by a police officer in a K-mart parking lot. My friend then pointed to a building across the street and said, "I think you should go talk to the owners of that house they have alcohol all over in there, you shouldn't worry about me when they have enough drinks to get the whole town drunk." "Well their situation is a little different," replied the officer. Then my friend went off about equality and asked, "why?".... "Well son, that over there is a liquor store." (My obviously drunk teenage friend didn't get so much as a warning!)

[mew10331405241477 0]

i know that its bad to copy and paste. but i did write everything im gonna do it to i just am wayyyyyyyyyy to lazy to type it again. Okay. these were easy. BUT VERY FUN. sorry but now i have 2 stop writing these funny things and go write an eassy maybe i'll come back when im done. untill then here are ways to get out of church.bullet 1. I still go to the bars on Saturday night.bullet 2. Well...I could not come to the church last Sunday... because there was a sermon in the radio... wink.gifbullet 3. I had to miss Church because the kids wanted to sleep in.bullet 4. Excuse for skipping church: Real Mysterious Sounding "I just had this feeling I shouldn't be there."bullet 5. NOTE: this isn't really anexcuse not to go to church but i was board so i wrote it anyway. have fun!)NO EXCUSE SUNDAY: DEDICATED TO MISSING CHURCH ATTENDEES!To make it possible for everyone to attend church this Sunday, we are going to have a special "No Excuse Sunday": Cots will be placed in the foyer for those who say, "Sunday is my only day to sleep in." There will be a special section with lounge chairs for those who feel that our pews are too hard. Eye drops will be available for those with tired eyes from watching TV late Saturday night. We will have steel helmets for those who say, "The roof would cave in if I ever came to church." Blankets will be furnished for those who think the church is too cold, and fans for those who say it is too hot. Scorecards will be available for those who wish to list the hypocrites present. Relatives and friends will be in attendance for those who can't go to church and cook dinner, too. We will distribute "Stamp Out Stewardship" buttons for those that feel the church is always asking for money. One section will be devoted to trees and grass for those who like to seek God in nature. Doctors and nurses will be in attendance for those who plan to be sick on Sunday. The sanctuary will be decorated with both Christmas poinsettias and Easter lilies for those who never have seen the church without them. We will provide hearing aids for those who can't hear the preacher and cotton wool for those who think he's too loud! Hope to see you there!bullet 6. Church gives me gas!bullet 7. [substitute words as appropriate for your own religious holidays and practices]: "Rabbi, you kept us til almost 4:00 PM last Rosh Hashanah, so I ain't busting my baytzim to get out of bed to come here on time."bullet 8. I've worked all week so I'm too tired to go!bullet 9. The preacher moves around to much.bullet 10. There are no people my age so I'm not going.bullet 11. They don't meet my needs.bullet 12. There are too many hypocrites in church.bullet 13. There are too many sinners in church.bullet 14. I'm too young - I'll go when I'm too old to have any more fun.bullet 15. It's boring.bullet 16. I'm not good enough.bullet 17. I'm still a sinner.bullet 18. I'll go to church after I stop smoking.bullet 19. I'll go to church after I stop drinking.bullet 20. I'll go to church after I stop cussin'.YAY unsure.gif wink.gif cool.gif ohmy.gif ph34r.gif rolleyes.gif blink.gif huh.gif laugh.gif biggrin.gif tongue.gif mad.gif dry.gif sad.gif smile.gif wub.gif sleep.gif huh.gif mellow.gifI HAVE REALLY GOT TO FIND A BETTER USE FOR MY TIME. AND SOME SEDATIVES TO COUNTERACT MY CAFFINE PILLSsorry bout the fact that it is the same as the other forum (only a problem if u are actully signed up for both forums.) but i really have to go write an eassy.

[mew10331405241477 0]

u know what i just noticed, IM THE ONLY PERSON ON THIS WHOLE TOPIC!! somebody please come and write something on here.n e way until then i will add a new section to my funny stuff just tell me what u think!This time i decided to make something new because excuses where getting old.Differences Between You and Your BossWhen you take a long time, you're slow.When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.When you don't do it, you're lazy.When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority.When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.When your boss does it, he's being firm.When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude.When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative.When you're out of the office, you're wandering around.When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick.When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill.When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked.When you don't show up on time for a meeting, you're late. When your boss doesn't show up on time for a meeting, he must have been delayed.so there they are

[szupie 0]

OK, first of all don't double post. More importantly, don't triple post. Even more important, don't quadriple post. The most important: don't <word for 5 times> and hex-post. Edit your first post if no one replied, and only if someone replied, you can post again.Anyway, .... Well, those jokes are great, and I can't come up with one...

[NilsC 0]

You should read this:

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Nils