The Breakup Could you guys help me find some answers?

[musicianly 0]

I'm not much older than 20 and I just went through a breakup with the first love of my life. We were together for a total of 3 years, but had to take a two year break between the first and second year. This last try lasted two years and I wish with all my heart that it could have lasted longer, but seeing as it ended (and how it ended)I'm confused about a lot of things right now.Her and I have a lot in common, similar interests, similar dreams, and personalities that complement each other completely. Our differences aren't awful either. Things such as methods for achievement and emotional interpretation are examples of our differences. I simply don't understand why things ended the way they did, or where they might go from here. I'm very grounded in compassion and empathy. I will do my very best to try to understand what a person means by what they're saying, how they feel while they say it, how things going on in his/her life could influence the way they feel about the topic, and even how they physically feel in the moment. So here's the story from my side.Over the last six months, I've been trying to talk to her about doing things that might build our connection in the relationship. After a while, it felt like she just gave up. I wanted that connection back and I have been willing and wanting so badly to work with her to find it again. With all good hopes, there are things standing in the way, I guess. I noticed her saying things like, "I shouldn't have to do anything to make you happy with me," and, "It's the man's role in a relationship to take care of the woman, she shouldn't be obligated to do anything." It seemed I just couldn't communicate my hopes for our relationship in a way that she'd understand or take to heart.She's the same age as me and she's very guarded when it comes to men. We were all of each other's firsts, and while I know that does, in many ways, play a huge role in how likely people are to stay together solely on those grounds, but during our two year break, I was with someone else, so I can see past those things and focus on simply being happy with her. Our losses? Well, in addition to the usual things lost from a breakup (time spent with each other, moments you'll never get back, money put into all of it, etc.) we had already decided to get married. On the more sentimental side, we even named our first kids. (If that tells you how serious we were about getting married)Since this is long already, I'll try to shorten the rest. We were happy together, but as our connection (as I saw it) was fading, our fighting increased and, likewise, our inability to work with one another. After the last fight, she decided our relationship as a whole was unhealthy for us, and while I disagreed saying we could work things out if we try to set our differences aside, she just didn't want to try. She didn't tell me if we were breaking up because she thought it was unhealthy, or if it was another reason, but her last words to me were, "I want to be able to rely on myself first." My question is: What could this mean? Does she want me to wait for her, should I? Why did the person I knew so well seemingly turn off her feelings like they were controlled by a light switch? Finally, why didn't she want to try to work things out? Because I know in my heart, with my integrity, that we could have if we'd only come together...

[Indego_Media 1]

Hello Musicanianly,firstly there are two people in a relationship and you have to remember that it does actually take two for the relationsihp to work, so if she was saying that shed needed space or a little distance then I'd be inclinded to think that there was a chance she would like you to wait for her, but as she stated that "She felt the relationship was Unhealthy" then I doubt that she will be coming back to you any time soon, especially if you are unable to get the answers you have asked here from her.Sometimes relationships run thier course and it just wasn't meant to sustain the energy to survive the distance. You mentioned that you had already had a period that you were both separated, what was the cause of this separation and why or what brought you back together again, if there is any chance that you might be able to revive this relationship the answer will more then likely be in the the reason for your reunion last time.I know that you say you are both alike and that you compliment each other, this is not possible if you are both alike then you can not compliment each other as you would need different traits to balance each other out there fore complimenting each others personalities or likes and dislikes. A relationship does not have to be build on 2 people perfectly matched to each other. Relationships work for many reason and also die for many more reasons, the unfortunate fact is that what you originally found cute or special about someone may very well be the one thing that causes a wedge between you in the end cycle of your relationship. I would suggest that you ask very politely to meet for a coffee and have a conversation that is honest, frank and most of all open about the situation with her, if she is nice enough to grant you that meeting then ask her your self what went wrong, if there was anything that she could see that could have prevented your break up and anything else that you feel is important to you to know about the relationship, if she does not grant you the time to meet than you are certian of the fact that it is over and that you can begin by building a new life for your self and re-assess what you want from this world, where you fit in and how you and only you can effect the direction of your life. Even if you do have a loving partner and your relationship is going well and there is passion, trust, commitment etc. You still need your own personality and interests, this will ensure that you and you partner will have something to talk about and a point of personal difference that keeps you as YOU, this is afterall the person that your partner fell in love with in the first place, so Don't go changing yourself to try and keep your partner happy, You should only change who you are to keep yourself happy.I know its not always easy walking away from someone that you love but sometimes its the only way. You know what they say if you love something set it free, if it returns it is your to keep forever, if it doesnt it never was yours in the first place.Hope that helpsJase

[musicianly 0]

Thanks Jase, One thing that's hard for me to understand is what she meant by "unhealthy." When I asked her, she said it was unhealthy because we fought. We don't fight that often or about that many things, recently I've had a hard time conveying something to her that I have been worried about and she's either ignored my speaking about it and become defensive, or told me it's something I have to change in myself. I've been trying to work on reciprocation with her, because she doesn't expect to have to even say hello to me when I go to her house. I think if nothing else if the basic interactions between two partners are hurting for more effort, then the two should talk about what they can do to help each other. The hardest thing to do has been to find a (very specific) way of bringing it up to her without her drawing the conclusion that I'm not happy with her. Although everything is over and done now, I'm just trying to make sense of it all. I love her very much, and whatever it is we're going through right now is really influencing my day to day schedule. (I'm pretty depressed. Staying busy, but I just can't stop thinking about the things we've gone through and how far we've come only to surrender our relationship to something that could have been fixed.) I wake up with a racing heart, racing thoughts, and my heart physically hurts. In just two days I've lost about 4 lbs and have only slept for 4 hours. It's really at the front of my mind. I'm giving her time, and it's only been a day since we've spoken at all, so I'm not sure how long to give her. Sometimes I feel the want to talk to her, but I fight the feeling and it just hurts more.

[anwiii 17]

first of all, don't wait for her. it's the worst thing you can do and you wont have any closure that way. probably the worst thing you can be going through right now is the unanswered questions, so take jase's advice and try to have a cup of coffee in a public place but with a little privacy if she's nice enough to give this to you. if not, you can't force her, and if you try, it will only make things worse.what seems to be the problem here in her eyes is the arguing. but it's more than that. don't take this the wrong way, because you sound like a cool and sincere guy, but there's a chance that the arguing comes from the expectations you are placing on the relationship. it's going to make her feel confined and not herself. even the slightest expectations.what i have learned, no breakup is sudden. it happens over time. the other person waits for the right time because they don't want to hurt the other person, but they find out that there never is a right time. sometimes for them, the easiest way to communicate it is through an arguement when the two are already feeling hurt.you two have a history together and it's going to be hard to get over that. believe me though, she is going through some of the same hurt even though it was her choice. don't blame yourself bud. it's not your fault. i am sure you tried your best to work through things. evidently your differences didn't compliment each other in some ways as you thought though.it is going to be hard because your thoughts are going to be on over drive thinking about her when if it was just a normal day being with eachother, you wouldn't have thought about her as much....maybe 1/2 the time instead of the thoughts being so constant. everything will remind you of her. songs on the radio.....the movies you watch.....couples in public.....and even just seeing someone walking alone that seems very happy. and even when you love her, you're just going to get these angry urges because you don't know why she did this. so no, i know it's not going to be easy.best thing you can do is find out if she's willing to talk to you and answer any questions you have for the closure you need. after that, you need to let her go. don't wait on her to change her mind. you're gonna kill yourself slowly if you do that. keep busy by starting new hobbies and hanging out with friends. the loneliest time will probably be at night when there's nothing to do but dwell. if you catch yourself dwelling about her, you have to stop yourself. if you are going to dwell, dwell on yourself. try to find the piece you need. try to find some answers on your own. try to understand your own life a little better and what you wish to gain from italso know that she isn't the only one out there. i've been in 3 relationships in my life and i learned from each and every one of them. i am currently in my fourth and i am learning even more from this one and she's giving me things that not even my past relationships gave me. it's really amazing. i say this because you really have to believe that you have a long way to go in life and to experience the things you need to experience to grow as a person. this breakup is meant to be for a reason bud. you have to realize this and understand WHY it is meant to be. it may be hard to realize this at first and you may even be upset that i even said it....but i know one day you WILL realize. you have no choice. you have to move on and you have to find a way to do that. you have to close this door. if you don't, other doors for you wont open to allow you to pass through them and experience the other things in life that you were meant to.....including possibly falling in love again, stronger than before.i am really sorry your hurting right now. i've been there. i know a lot of other people have too. it's crap and it feels like hell. i know you're going to overcome this over time though. life is funny though. even though you move on with your life, a piece of her will always be with you. a piece that made you stronger and able to handle your future experiences. life is funny because when you come to your true realizations about yourself, the misery you feel today will be transformed in to an appreciation. it's hard to see that now, but you willtry your best to get this closure you need so you can get on with your life. i wish you the best, man! i am here if you need a friend....

[Indego_Media 1]

Hello Again Musicianly,looks like you have two very well versed people here to help you and support you. in response to your question about what she considered unhealthy in your relationship with out speaking to her it could be any number of things, and please don't take my next response as gospel but, in the past when i've been in an unhealthy relationship or had friends who have refferred to thier relationship as unhealthy, it was with reference to the way in which the relationship was no longer satisifiny needs of one person and this lack of satisfaction leads to being unhappy, with that comes the possibiility of depression or malice to the other party. in your case I could guess and it is only a guess that there was something about the direction that the two of your were heading that did not sit well with your friend. While she may not have known straight away what it was, eventually all she could decide to do was move away from the feelings and because she associated what ever the feeling was with you, it more then likely meant that she was not able to see you in the same light that she did when you both fell in love, instead she could only see the negative energy that your combined relationship have generated for her. This is not to say that you personally have a negative energy or that she does either but in her eyes I could suggest that her path had changed direction from your path and due to this the two of you being together was no longer a suitable path for her, the decision that she has made, as Anwii suggested, may even be for the better for both of you. the best that you can hope for is that in a few years time you will accidentally bump into each other and a pleasent energy will surround you but that will only occur if the two of you have moved on and experienced other people and emotions. There is little chance of you ever regaining your relationship with her, and the pain you are feeling she is more then likely feeling too, however you need to close this chapter of your life and begin a new one. Imagine what wonders lay waiting on the next page of your life. You clearly are a warm and caring person and I'm sure the right person is just out there somewhere for you, there may even be more then one new friend that you enjoy getting to know, there may also be further pain and fear, but this is what life is all about, growing old, experiencing emotion and loving unconditionally. When you give yourself to the world in an open maner with out expectation and ensuring that fear does not control your next move, truely magical things happen......I know for now you cant even imagine a life with out her. and Magic is something that seem's to have died in your life right now. but beleive me it never dies it only grows dim in the dark place that you put in when you are hurting.... if you shine a little light on your day each and every day that spark of magical life you love and live for will return, old friend and new friends will protect you when you need it, they may all kick you in the butt when you need it as well, but most importantly they will be there, you are never truely alone if you can find the courage to ask for help and support. Clearly you are courageous as you have asked for guidance here, and as you can see there are people who are willing to help, provide a shoulder to lean on and, there will always be someone somewhere who is thinking of you. So, go out enjoy the sunlight and turn the next page in your book of life, i'm sure its going to be a good one :)Hugs Jase

[anwiii 17]

i remember when i had broken up before. the other person did the breaking up. all i could think about was that it was a shame we couldn't work through things. everything was a shame because back then, i thought everything we experienced was for nothing. time wasted, and the idea of starting over with someone else eventually in the future just didn't appeal to me. i was stuck in the thought that the breakup was a shame and i couldn't see any further than that.i don't know where i heard this, but something else stuck in my head eventually when i was getting better at moving on. my thoughts weren't just coming from the love i had for her, but the IDEA of love and how *I* wanted the relationship to be and love to be. i realized that it was the IDEA of love i had inside me that hurt so much. not the breakup. this is why some women stay i very drastic unhealthy relationship....because it's not really the partner they are loving, it's the idea of love they have and the association with that idea with their partner. i am sure you weren't abusive. i just wanted to give a strong example of how the idea of love can be stronger than love itself and how some women will try to convince themselves that the guy will change to their idea of love. when i really grasped this concept of the "idea" of love, it helped me sort through my thinking patterns and why i was so devestated.i also remember thinking sometimes what i could do to change where she would accept me. i was so hell bent in trying to find HER answers that i failed to think about and realize my own answers to my own life. when my friends were talling me to buy better shirts and wear some pants that didn't have holes in then, and be more presentable in society so i would be able to attract women better(they knew i didn't date that often). i would just tell them that i didn't want to attract anyone that couldn't accept me for myself and who i am. if the day never came where someone could do that, then i would rather be lonely than live a lie. my point is bud, there is probably someone out there for you. you can't go searching for it or you'll never find it. you just have to be yourself and let nature take it's course and don't change for anyone because you are perfect the way you are. you have to believe that. sure, we guys are idiots sometimes and we make mistakes. i'm not talking about not changing those small things about us. we all have things to learn in this world and part of life IS to change in small ways to better ourselves.....not to impress people or get people to accept us.i am sure you have a lot going for you. you have to know what those things are. try to think about those things and don't be afraid to give yourself compliments in all the good things about yourself. boost your ego and self esteem a little. you need it. you're not a bad person bud....and somewhere out there, there are women who can appreciate you that WONT leave you.oh...and when she told you "i want to try to rely on myself first", that usually means that she noticed that she was trying to depend on a man to fill her voids. i think she realized it was unfair for herself and you. there are things she needs to do on her own where being in a relationship would be a distraction. guys tend to want to fix things if they sense something is broken. i also feel that this is a big part of who you are. what she's saying is she needs time for herself because she's never been given that opportunity before. it has nothing to do with you...but finding her own self. that's something you can't do for her.i also noticed something about you. you seem to be a VERY objective person. not subjective in the least. don't lose that skill right now and use it in your own life too rather than trying to figure other people out.

Edited May 17, 2011 by anwiii (see edit history)

[musicianly 0]

Wow, you two are great, thank you so much for all the help and advice. You're both right, you can't change how a person chooses to feel about another, just yourself. My mom raised me with that saying: "The only thing you can control in any given situation is yourself." While things might seem pretty dim right now, I know they'll pick up, and like you said, maybe one day if everything permits we'll run into each other again and be different people who are finally good for each other. I know people change all of the time, and that it's just part of life, especially at this age, to have frequent fluctuations of beliefs and values. I'm starting to truly believe that I can move on now and really push my life in the direction I want it to go, without someone there whom I'm always factoring into the bigger picture. I believe she was right in a funny way when she said, "I need to learn to rely on myself first," because I'm going through just as much inner turmoil and confusion given my place in life. It's hard enough to get through college, but I'm working a part time job and a full time job while doing so, I guess I have enough on my plate.I did write her a letter, just to help myself move through this and also to give her the emotional freedom to go do whatever she feels she needs to so she can succeed in life. In summary, I explained to her that I'm ok with her decision and that although I've been really confused and thrown off by everything that's happened, it's because I understand that it's over between us. Even though I made the irrational mistake of panicking while things were working themselves out (and they still are, but I'm no longer this emotionally distorted) I feel the letter really helped. I told her I hope that maybe one day when we have different lives and maybe even lovers, we'll be able to run into each other and, out of respect and love for what we had, be able to be friendly and kind with one another.There's no way around the importance she's had in my life for the last 2 years, simply the joy of having been lucky enough to be with her. And I feel like if there's one thing I'll take away from all of this, it's just that. I've been absolutely devastated by all of this, and I've never in my life experienced such a loss, such a hole, such a void. But backing away from the pain of the moment, I see something much larger at play. I experienced something my heart defined as true love, and simply because of that, I have even more to give to another person or (again, if we ever have a chance to rekindle our romance in the future)even her, provided things are right between us. After a couple of days thinking over things, I'm becoming myself again, but slowly. It's a process, as are many other things, but necessary at that. Life does things like this to people, it bring joy, pain, anger, everything imaginable. I don't think if somewhere in the story of my life I wasn't meant for something more, I'd have to go through this. That by learning from this, and remembering in my heart the things that mean the most to me, I'll have succeeded where some struggle. Maybe I can even help someone else in the same position one day, be it a friend, someone I don't even know (on this forum or even out in the world), or when I'm blessed enough, my children.On a side note, I have some questions about life, and I really enjoy both of your opinions, so if you happen to be browsing and come across one of them, I'd be more than happy to hear your takes on the topics!Dearest regards, Musicianly