Sam51 0 Report post Posted December 6, 2008 Hello im new to the forum, I was looking for somewhere to practice writing and see what others do.I would be very greatful for comments on my writing. Is it in this case too obscure/not obscure enough, enjoyable/not enjoyable ...etcThe peom is a pratice step in my favourite desired tecnique of writing. It is an attempt to manipulate the reader please let me know if I am succesful in any parts of it. Five fingers on my hand I see each one clearly. Then one turns out to be a thumb. I was close, nearly. A man is dead I have been jailed I killed him I would not have failed I jump up. The earth hits me. Not so nice. As far as I can see. I spared him nothing He was my toy A slow death It bought me joy. The walls are white Its is empty, bad The colour of death It makes me mad. He lit up my house He raped my wife He burnt my kids He ruined my life. I enjoy stamps Such variety So small a thing So much history He came once more I hit him so hard He came again for my lover Who I knew I must guard.By no means am I a very experienced writer, so I hope to improve with your help and use the same style in both stories and poemsThankyou for reading. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Veradesigns 0 Report post Posted February 3, 2009 really good!!all i can say is add more sadness to your poem i see where your going. But ether than that its really good. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ash-Bash 0 Report post Posted February 5, 2009 really good!!all i can say is add more sadness to your poem i see where your going. But ether than that its really good. I agree more sadness will make it perfecto' Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
