Unhealthy Unavoidable Feelings

[ddani240 0]

I'm 20, I've been married for about 2 weeks now. I'm feeling great about the decision to get married and will do whatever it takes to make it work. But I am going through some very difficult times right now with my wife. We've been together for over 4 years now with an unhappy first two. I was 16-17 and didn't know how to handle a long term relationship. Once we got past my normal 2 month period, everything got weird. I became controlling and manipulative, and just couldn't believe this was it. That my dating days were over and this was who I was to spend my life with. Of course now that isn't a problem at all, but at this point the damage is done. I never cheated on her but it was obvious I wasn't ready. We broke up a couple times and while I was in basic training trying to turn some things around, I called her and we got back together for the last time. Now I'm in the military, and we live in a very nice first apartment. But the trust is broken. I know I've changed for the better and I've done everything I can for the past year to show her that. But I cant help but feel at fault. She hasn't let her guard down yet and every day she accuses me of the next irrational thing. She's all I want, I try to tell her that, and every day I tell her she is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. But it doesn't seem to matter, her trust issue with me gets worse, there are no signs of progress.Well a little backround on me, I was physically abused as a kid up until I was about 17. When I was 8 my parents divorced and my mother told me straight up that she couldn't even look at me without reminding her of my father. My father became depressed and searched out the drugs. And then mom married who was going to abuse me. I had no one. I'm not looking for pity, I know that other people have had it worse and I know that learning how to take care of myself at an early age helped me become who I am today. But my wife was there for the end of it, the worst of it. And since then it's only been her. If I cant have her trust, I dont know what to do. She's everything to me and I cant even make her happy. Bottom line is, I have a lot of negative feelings about myself that come out when she's irrational. Like her inabilty to ever trust me and recognize my work on myself is my fault. I feel like I am to blame and I dont know why. I'm strong, I can say that. I tore through basic and made it my b*tch. But i dont know how to get my strength anymore. Little by little it leaves me and i feel like I'm 8 years old again. Suicide is never an option dont anyone worry about that, but what the F?

[bishoujo 0]

Let me just see if I got the basic idea correct. When you guys were together earlier on, you had some conflicts that resulted in her losing trust in you, is that right? But what exactly did you do? You said you never cheated on her, so was it because you had the notion to get together with other girls, or you showed signals that you didn't want 'this' to be it or something?From what I read about you, you do seem like a mature enough person who's grown up by living through rough times. However, you did marry very young, at a rather insecure age for long-term relationship, let alone marriage. It's probably natural for you both to still have this wedge between you. Furthermore, you apparently had some conflict earlier on which diminished her trust in you. Anyway, since you're married, the preferable solution is not to turn back, right? I suggest you have a nice talk with your wife about this. Ask her to voice out her insecurities, and from there, you can tell her what you will do to win back her trust. Different people take different amount of time to adapt. Some people are more positive and hence it's easier to regain their trust, while some may be more negative and cynical and it would take a lot more convincing to win back their trust. In the meantime, do what you can to show her that you love her, and that she can trust you to be faithful to her. Be patient and wait for her to trust you again. It takes time, but if you put in effort, it will work out. Also, don't be too hard on yourself. As the saying goes, it's human to err. So maybe you were partly responsible for her behavior towards you, but getting depressed about yourself is only going to make things worst. You're the only one who can change her attitude towards you now. Good luck!

Edited August 9, 2008 by bishoujo (see edit history)

[Saint_Michael 3]

I suggest you see a marriage councilor ASAP solider, because if you get shipped to Iraq or Afghanistan, odds are your marriage will end with you being cheated on or she will divorce you outright. As the divorce rating and the cheating have been at high levels in the last couple of years and that statistical truth.I recommend seeing chaplain ASAP in order to get help or at least tell you who to get in contact with and what not. It is obvious that the relationship was rocky to begin with and with you in the military it will get a lot worse before it gets any better. Makes me wonder why she even agreed to the marriage to begin with because of the problems you two been having.With it being the weekend I would visit the base chapel or in fact get your battalion chaplain's number and talk to him or her. The next part is going to be difficult but you need to have the wife there as well when talking with the chaplain or nothing will get solve if your talking to the chaplain one on one.

[anwiii 17]

don't want to put any negative thoughts in your head, but at the same time, i don't want you to feel you have to feel guilty either.not to disrespect your relationship here, but if your wife is having trust issues and you gave her no reason not to trust you, then the eyes should be on her and not you. if she's making you feel like you are doing something wrong or did something wrong when you feel you didn't, then maybe she did something that she feels guilty about and this is preventing her from connecting to you. obviously she is insecure maybe she is punishing her own self. maybe she feels she doesn't deserve your love or affection or attention so she pushes you away.whatever it is though, if it's true that you gave no reason not to trust you, then you have nothing to feel guilty about and you need to se past your own self conscience and guilt to really see what is bothering your wife. also, the more guilt or negative energy you have inside will in effect trasfer to your wife in some ways. after knowing eachother 4 years or so, you can read eachother without saying a word sometimes so be carefull in what you yourself are giving off indirectly.i know you must tell her a lot of things bud to try to prove to her you want her and need her. try SHOWING her. no words. actions. words are one thing especially if there are trust issues of the past. actions are the key. CONSTANT postivie action to show her exactly what you are trying to tell her in words. don't give up. show action daily. you made a commitment. stick to those commitments. if both of you can't, then life will be a living hell and what you think is bad right now will only get worse and that much harder to overcome.as a husband, you need to be there for your wife and her needs. as a wife, she needs to be there for YOU and YOUR needs. remember though. if she can't be there for you in your own needs, that shouldn't dictate what you can and still SHOULD offer her in what you are capable. where one is weak, the other needs to be strong and vica versa. if both are weak at the same time then good luck! you sound like you're hurtin' bud and i feel for ya. you also sound like the stronger one of the two so act like it and you can start by not letting the negativity be a distraction to what is right and true inside your heart