I Need Help

[IloveHorses712 0]

first, a little background... i've been married 2.5 years, and we were together about 1.75 years before that. We have a 1-year old son. I was diagnosed with depression about 4 years ago, after having the symptoms for close to a year (if i remember correctly). I was taking meds, and had slowly weaned myself off of them before I got pregnant with my son, and had been doing fine. Recently, I've been feeling depressed slightly, but it's different than what i was feeling before. See, there was this guy (jim) that i was crazy about before i started dating my husband (joe). i was pretty good friends with both jim and joe for a while... and they were roomates. my feelings for jim were ones that had developed from a friendship to realizing i felt more for him than that. he knew how i felt, and was attracted to me, but did not want a relationship... so nothing ever happened between us aside from our friendship, and some emotional rollar coasters that 'friends' dont usually have. So my best description was that we were good friends, but we were also on a different level up from that, but not a 'dating' relationship. When i was at my very low point of my depression, joe was the one who was there for me. he went behind my back and told some people what i was going through so that they could help me. he thought i would never talk to him again after that, but for some reason, when i came to in the hospital, he was the only one that i wanted to see. the doctors would ask me if i'd allow my parents or sisters to come in the room, and i would just ask for joe. After I got back on my feet from that episode, i started to realize that joe had feelings for me. At this time, although i felt this strong connection to him, i was not attracted to him in that way. I started to get wierd about it, because i didnt want to be alone with him, and he'd try to kiss me or have 'the talk' or anything like that. So i would avoid him somewhat if we werent going to be in a group setting. After a while of this, i realized that it was kinda stupid. I missed hanging out with my best friend. So we made plans to hang out, and he wanted to surprise me with what we were going to do... He ended up planning this whole day where we went to the circus (i love circus's), then had dinner, then when to a show. It was during the circus that we were holding hands, and he asked me out. It was a wierd feeling because it was like i had absolutely no romantic feelings for him up until then, but when he asked, it was as though it was the only thing i wanted. Anyway, I was happy after that. I loved hanging out with him and being his girlfriend, and i basically forgot about jim for a while. When jim first found out, it was actually a funny senario, i think. See, he had made it clear to me that he did not want to be with me at all. When joe and i walked into the room where jim was, and we were holding hands, the look on jim's face was unforgettable. it was a mixture of jealousy and anger is the best way to describe it. The conversation he had with joe was to say that he was pissed off that his best friend was dating someone he couldnt stand. the 'couldnt stand' part was part of our emotional rollar coaster because he also had some amount of depression and would go through these spells where he would be pissed at everyone, and it was at those times that he would lash out at me sometimes and say i annoyed him, then he'd ignore me for a while, then go back to everything being just fine. I would sometimes think about jim, and wonder what could have been and all that, but he'd be on my mind a few days or so and then i wouldnt think about him for a while. Then just when i thought i was completely over him and moved on, we hung out with him (because joe is still friends with him) and some feelings came back. but then it would do the same, here for a few days, then forget about him for weeks, then months, and it gradually got longer time inbetween thinking about him, so i figured that with time, it would go away completely. Boy was I wrong. After joe and i got married, we moved across the country (job offer, joe's brother was out there, etc) at away from jim. Things were going great since i NEVER saw jim. Then i heard he was getting married... i was so pissed. After a while, that feeling went away too. And things were ok again. After my son was born, we decided to move back to our hometown to be near our families, etc. We moved back just in time for jim's wedding. I actually had a good time at the wedding, even though i thought i would have been upset. Then some while later after i hadnt thought about him much, jim's band was having a show, so i decided to go to it. Joe was working late, and my parents were watching my son. As i was standing there watching him singing up on stage... all those feelings that i once had for him just came rushing back to me. This was about 5/6 months ago, and the feelings havent left yet, like they used to after only a few days. I just have this strong feeling of wanting to be with jim instead of joe. i've tried to talk to some people about how to resolve these feelings, but nothing so far has worked. I dont know what to do. i still do love joe, and he makes me happy most of the time, but the rest of the time i am thinking about jim. I've tried to get these feelings out of my head and my heart, but i cant. I think my only option left may be just to keep my mouth shut and focus on the times that i am happy with joe. I cannot tell joe about my feelings for jim. It would only accomplish hurt and anger... and they are uncontrollable feelings that i cant stop, but have taken no action on, so i have done nothing wrong in our marriage. joe has been cheated on in every other relationship he had in the past, so to bring up that i have feelings for someone else, he would not handle that well. I dont want him to end up hating me if I were to tell him about this because i still love him very much and want to be with him. I just dont see any good ending at all to this whole senario. If i tell my joe how i feel, he will surely hate me (or not be able to forgive me, at least), I couldn't end our marriage because I still love joe, and we have a son to think about. So my only option is to say nothing and do nothing, but I dont know how to heal my heart from the feelings of jim. Please please please someone give me some advice for what i can do.

Edited January 9, 2008 by IloveHorses712 (see edit history)

[Mich 0]

You have answered your own question right in your post.

I think my only option left may be just to keep my mouth shut and focus on the times that i am happy with joe.

You and Jim have both gotten married to other people and you even have a son. To entertain the idea of trying to reunite with Jim at this time is pure folly. Think what it would do to all peoples involved. It would be ruining 2 marriages, plus creating bad feelings amongst everybody. How would your son feel about losing his father. Besides the fact, that no where do you mention how Jim feels. I would assume because you haven't got a clue about where his head is at in life right now.

 

Not to sound too awfully harsh, but you seem to be thinking only of how you feel. To act on your feelings right now would be a selfish act. You will get over these feelings, whether or not you want to believe it. I have a been there myself. Yes, we all second guess our life altering decisions at some time or another. The grass looks greener on the other side of the fence. These pangs of the heart will pass with time. You have made a life for yourself, your son and Joe. Concentrate on making it happier for the three of you and you won't have time to think about Jim.

 

Good Luck!

 

PS. I love horses too.

Edited January 9, 2008 by Mich (see edit history)

[IloveHorses712 0]

Maybe I was misleading in my first post... I am NOT entertaining the idea of reuniting with Jim. I would not act on what I am feeling. As far as I can tell, Jim is very happy in his marriage, and his wife is pregnant. I hardly talk to him at all. I made my choice when I decided to marry Joe. I have tried to concentrate on making it happier for the 3 of us, but I still havent been able to get Jim out of my head. That is what I am wrestling with because I have been trying for so long to get him out of my head forever, but he still keeps coming back in my mind and heart. That is why I dont know what to do. Nothing i have tried has gotten him out of my head for good... some things have helped at the time to make me stop thinking about him right then, but it doesnt last.The last thing I want is for Joe to get hurt. I dont want to act on any feelings i have for Jim, I want to make them go away. That is what I need help with. I am desperate here. As I said, nothing has worked as a permanent solution, and it doesnt go away with time. If anything, they've only gotten more strong recently.So what I need help with is not if i should act on my feelings... it is how can i get rid of these feelings?

[Joshua 0]

Maybe I was misleading in my first post... I am NOT entertaining the idea of reuniting with Jim. I would not act on what I am feeling. As far as I can tell, Jim is very happy in his marriage, and his wife is pregnant. I hardly talk to him at all. I made my choice when I decided to marry Joe. I have tried to concentrate on making it happier for the 3 of us, but I still havent been able to get Jim out of my head. That is what I am wrestling with because I have been trying for so long to get him out of my head forever, but he still keeps coming back in my mind and heart. That is why I dont know what to do. Nothing i have tried has gotten him out of my head for good... some things have helped at the time to make me stop thinking about him right then, but it doesnt last.
The last thing I want is for Joe to get hurt. I dont want to act on any feelings i have for Jim, I want to make them go away. That is what I need help with. I am desperate here. As I said, nothing has worked as a permanent solution, and it doesnt go away with time. If anything, they've only gotten more strong recently.

So what I need help with is not if i should act on my feelings... it is how can i get rid of these feelings?

One thing I've found is jealousy and the worst mistakes in relationships come from lack of communication. People refusing to talk to one another can completely mess everything up when stuff comes out in the open, as it quite often does. Maybe you made that mistake earlier in not communicating where everything stood with Jim, but don't make that mistake now with your husband.

I'm not saying this needs to happen, but please consider it:

You may need to end up talking to your husband about all of this. Also consider how he will react, and how to phrase it, but even if it causes arguments, it may result in the 2 of you growing closer together as a result of knowing what's in one another's hearts. It would be awful for Joe to find out, whether from suspicion or accident, what you're feeling, before you tell him yourself.

It may be that Joe is the only one who can help you through this. Yes, the confrontation that might ensue could be bad, but afterwards, he might appreciate that you're so willing to be honest with him. It sounds like a lot of these problems are happening because everyone is holding in their thoughts and feelings from another, for whatever reasons like not wanting to hurt others, or shame, or whatever.

You'll have to choose the best course yourself, but in my personal experience, blunt and often originally painful honesty is often the only way to move forward. I hope that helps...
Edited January 9, 2008 by Joshua (see edit history)

[Mich 0]

I am so sorry that I misread your post. My advice to get rid of the constant thoughts remains the same tho.

You will get over these feelings, whether or not you want to believe it. I have a been there myself. Yes, we all second guess our life altering decisions at some time or another. ...... These pangs of the heart will pass with time. You have made a life for yourself, your son and Joe. Concentrate on making it happier for the three of you and you won't have time to think about Jim.

You might also try purposely redirecting your thoughts to something else, like your son, whenever Jim comes to mind. It will be hard for a while, but don't give up.

[Vera 0]

I think it's human nature and you can't fight some of those feelings. However, I also think it's part of the "grass is greener on the other side of the fence" situation. Because you've never been with Jim, you'll never know how disappointing it would be. Therefore, you're stuck with the idea of Jim. It's like a beautiful, juicy steak that when you bite into it, you find that it hasn't been cooked properly.Since an affair is obviously the wrong way to go, maybe you should try becoming friends with Jim's wife. If you two became each other's confidantes, the wife may tell you about Jim's shortcomings. For example, if the wife tells you that Jim is terrible at helping out with household chores, you might realize that he's not that great of a guy after all. If you can compile a bunch of things about how terrible Jim is, maybe the feelings will go away.Whenever you think about Jim in a favorable way, pinch yourself hard or smack your wrist in a painful manner. Try blaming bad things on Jim as well. Get stuck in traffic? Jim's fault. Your boss making you work on the weekend? Jim's fault. That way, you'll start to associate bad and painful feelings with Jim.When a couple breaks up, the easiest way to cope is to start hating that person, even if they did nothing to deserve it. Although it's not the healthiest route to take, it doesn't sound like your current feelings are healthy for your marriage.As for Joe, just be the best wife you can to him. Consider renewing your vows. It has the possibility to kick start another honeymoon period for you two. Everyone says that marriage is a partnership, but if you look up the definition of partnership, partnerships aren't really about love in certain contexts.