first, a little background... i've been married 2.5 years, and we were together about 1.75 years before that. We have a 1-year old son. I was diagnosed with depression about 4 years ago, after having the symptoms for close to a year (if i remember correctly). I was taking meds, and had slowly weaned myself off of them before I got pregnant with my son, and had been doing fine. Recently, I've been feeling depressed slightly, but it's different than what i was feeling before. See, there was this guy (jim) that i was crazy about before i started dating my husband (joe). i was pretty good friends with both jim and joe for a while... and they were roomates. my feelings for jim were ones that had developed from a friendship to realizing i felt more for him than that. he knew how i felt, and was attracted to me, but did not want a relationship... so nothing ever happened between us aside from our friendship, and some emotional rollar coasters that 'friends' dont usually have. So my best description was that we were good friends, but we were also on a different level up from that, but not a 'dating' relationship. When i was at my very low point of my depression, joe was the one who was there for me. he went behind my back and told some people what i was going through so that they could help me. he thought i would never talk to him again after that, but for some reason, when i came to in the hospital, he was the only one that i wanted to see. the doctors would ask me if i'd allow my parents or sisters to come in the room, and i would just ask for joe. After I got back on my feet from that episode, i started to realize that joe had feelings for me. At this time, although i felt this strong connection to him, i was not attracted to him in that way. I started to get wierd about it, because i didnt want to be alone with him, and he'd try to kiss me or have 'the talk' or anything like that. So i would avoid him somewhat if we werent going to be in a group setting. After a while of this, i realized that it was kinda stupid. I missed hanging out with my best friend. So we made plans to hang out, and he wanted to surprise me with what we were going to do... He ended up planning this whole day where we went to the circus (i love circus's), then had dinner, then when to a show. It was during the circus that we were holding hands, and he asked me out. It was a wierd feeling because it was like i had absolutely no romantic feelings for him up until then, but when he asked, it was as though it was the only thing i wanted. Anyway, I was happy after that. I loved hanging out with him and being his girlfriend, and i basically forgot about jim for a while. When jim first found out, it was actually a funny senario, i think. See, he had made it clear to me that he did not want to be with me at all. When joe and i walked into the room where jim was, and we were holding hands, the look on jim's face was unforgettable. it was a mixture of jealousy and anger is the best way to describe it. The conversation he had with joe was to say that he was pissed off that his best friend was dating someone he couldnt stand. the 'couldnt stand' part was part of our emotional rollar coaster because he also had some amount of depression and would go through these spells where he would be pissed at everyone, and it was at those times that he would lash out at me sometimes and say i annoyed him, then he'd ignore me for a while, then go back to everything being just fine. I would sometimes think about jim, and wonder what could have been and all that, but he'd be on my mind a few days or so and then i wouldnt think about him for a while. Then just when i thought i was completely over him and moved on, we hung out with him (because joe is still friends with him) and some feelings came back. but then it would do the same, here for a few days, then forget about him for weeks, then months, and it gradually got longer time inbetween thinking about him, so i figured that with time, it would go away completely. Boy was I wrong. After joe and i got married, we moved across the country (job offer, joe's brother was out there, etc) at away from jim. Things were going great since i NEVER saw jim. Then i heard he was getting married... i was so pissed. After a while, that feeling went away too. And things were ok again. After my son was born, we decided to move back to our hometown to be near our families, etc. We moved back just in time for jim's wedding. I actually had a good time at the wedding, even though i thought i would have been upset. Then some while later after i hadnt thought about him much, jim's band was having a show, so i decided to go to it. Joe was working late, and my parents were watching my son. As i was standing there watching him singing up on stage... all those feelings that i once had for him just came rushing back to me. This was about 5/6 months ago, and the feelings havent left yet, like they used to after only a few days. I just have this strong feeling of wanting to be with jim instead of joe. i've tried to talk to some people about how to resolve these feelings, but nothing so far has worked. I dont know what to do. i still do love joe, and he makes me happy most of the time, but the rest of the time i am thinking about jim. I've tried to get these feelings out of my head and my heart, but i cant. I think my only option left may be just to keep my mouth shut and focus on the times that i am happy with joe. I cannot tell joe about my feelings for jim. It would only accomplish hurt and anger... and they are uncontrollable feelings that i cant stop, but have taken no action on, so i have done nothing wrong in our marriage. joe has been cheated on in every other relationship he had in the past, so to bring up that i have feelings for someone else, he would not handle that well. I dont want him to end up hating me if I were to tell him about this because i still love him very much and want to be with him. I just dont see any good ending at all to this whole senario. If i tell my joe how i feel, he will surely hate me (or not be able to forgive me, at least), I couldn't end our marriage because I still love joe, and we have a son to think about. So my only option is to say nothing and do nothing, but I dont know how to heal my heart from the feelings of jim. Please please please someone give me some advice for what i can do.
