She's 11 Years Older Than Me But I dont want it.

[Saint_Michael 3]

Well I thought I keep myself out of this due to the situation and the fact that its one of those crushes that will fizzle away and junk, and well the last two posts say otherwise. Don't get me wrong she sounds like a nice person and all that but I think trying to pursue a relationship with a "kid" I say that loosely because of age, but I think she will try to end it because of the fact she has a family to take care of. This is where the "kid" comes into play and that even though you think your ready for taking care of kids in all reality your not trust me on that piece of advice. To be honest you should keep it friendly, supportive, and someone to talk to and nothing more and from the way it sounds thats what she si trying to do. Also from the looks of it your not trying to push for it being more then you want which is a smart move on your part, and although the future is uncertain it would be best not to pursue the relationship that you want her. I know she wouldn't want to hold you back from going to school and all that good, and from the sounds of it she knows what you want and is in a very large conflict with her feelings and stuff like that, and knowing what you want was trying to let you go the best way she thought was best. Who knows what the letter could have done to her thinking about situation but hopefully she is thinking what I am thinking and that is end it to an extent that you two will go any further.Of course I will say this the most stupidest thing you can do is quit or go to a new job, because she will feel guilty about and so in away you should be lucky you didn't get that job. Hopefully she will let you down easily and yet remain friends with you, and she doesn't you need to do it, because you will put yourself in a situation that you will both regret and I know you know that. Relationships are hell to deal with especially when you have alot of variables that can't be answered or they can be answered the results won't be what your expect.I know its its your life and any advice you get from someone on a forum should be taking for a grain of salt, and you can do want you want but do whats right regardless how you feel. Remember friendships are always stronger then most relationships with love it, don't ask me how that happens it just does.

[CopperZepher 0]

I totally agree with you. I am not trying to push her for more. I really don't want a relationship from her, at all. I'm not about to go asking her to go live with me. From what she has said to me so far, is that she knows what I want, but there seems to be some questions she needs answered. She told me she would call me at 8-ish, but its almost 11 and no call. Not sure if I said it in the last post, but she did not have time to read it the night I gave it to her, but rather the next morning on her way in (she seems to think that was funny, reading it while driving, I guess I can see why considering the last words are "Have a safe drive home.") to work. She may have not had enough time to call me tonight. I really wish I knew what she is going through. She kept getting all teary eyed today when I was.. near. She said that she hates it when people feel awkward around her or because of her, that its the worst feeling, and that she really wants me to feel comfortable around her. I feel like after that letter, I could tell her anything. Shes being really cool about the whole thing, and that makes me feel alot better about being around her without any anxiety or fear.

[Saint_Michael 3]

I think some of those questions are obvious like how far is she willing to go, would she break her family apart to be with you? And of course some other ones as well but those would be the two of biggest she needs to answer. I thought I made mention about the letter but I guess not, anyways the reason you got a split reaction about giving her the letter was exactly what your not trying to do, but in reality you are trying to push for a relationship. Its good that you got it out in the open but the things you have mention like buying her stuff and taking her out to lunch is borderline more then a friendship. Ok not the lunch part but you know where I am going with it.As for time you need to give her plenty of it, I wouldn't rush it so she will call when she is ready so I wouldn't lose any sleep over on that, and like I said early you cannot quit you not until she gives you a response. Even after that you have to give it time to figure things out, because if you leave now it will mess her up emotionally, and from the looks of it she a friend more then anything else. Right now your the closes thing she has to it, and so until she gives you a response keep it friendly reassure her in the office workspace about the work she is doing, and stuff that will make her happy and positive. Distractions are a good thing and she needs plenty of them until she is ready to think about the the two of you. Thats the thing about relationships you don't know what the other person is thinking and so you have to do this right or the working relationship will be a lot more difficult. So again give her time and keep it friendly and supportive until she is ready to give you an answer. Also make sure you prepare yourself emotional for both answers as they will change the relationship for the good or bad.

[CopperZepher 0]

I am sort of afraid as to what's shes going to say or ask. I really don't want things to go down the drain, but from what she's said so far, and the way she's acting, she's taking it really well, and it doesn't seem like she's about to end our friendship. She's really made me feel better about it too.

Still have not received a call from her either, a couple of my friends have suggested that I call her. I told them that she'll call me when she's figured out what she needs to say, and when she finds the time to say it all. I trust that she's not going to just pretend this never happened, considering she has said at least twice that she really wants to talk to me about this. I know she has a very busy lifestyle, and I respect that. I'm in no rush for her to figure out things, it's her life, and I'm going to let her live it (I think I put that in the letter somewhere, lets see if I can dig up a quote from that. yeah, found it).

"I think that if I love you enough to do anything to make you happy, that should include letting you live the life you want to live."

So that sort of applies to me just letting her call me when she's good and ready. Also, I can't quit now, I need money and health insurance, and I live in an area where there's not exactly a large amount of jobs to choose from. I can see how me getting her drinks and candy I know she likes is perhaps pushing the line, if not over it, I'm not exactly sure where she sees that line though. I know what she likes, and I know when she wants it, and I'm good at delivering it to her at that time, and she seems to really like that, especially when the really two things I ever buy her (this drink she likes and this Resee's Banana Creme, which like NOBODY but me and her like) are inexpensive and it's like only a couple time's a week I do this, but I haven't in about a week, I've run out of fun ways to give them to her, like last time I bought her the candy, I bought it from her (remember, works at the store), and I said "hey, do you see that little black bag down there?? *points to... well under the check stand area*" and she said "uhh, yeah, that's my purse..." so I said "yeah that... could you put this in there?" and I got a really good smile from her and a nice little "awww, thanks!!".

anyways. I'm just waiting for her to call, I don't see her again until Saturday, so I hope to hear from her before then, but if not, I can't say it will be a bad day, considering how supportive and comforting she's been about the whole thing...

[Saint_Michael 3]

As I take it from your last post I don't think she would do anything either to jeopardize it either so I don't she will be cruel about it when she does answer and like I said just prepare yourself and wait it out for her response. Although I am assuming this, I would say what your doing right now is fine I think the line she won't cross is the physical contact that is beyond friendly, and I am only assuming that because you haven't mention anything towards physical contact that is non sexual or even semi-sexual like a shoulder rub or even footsies. You are correct on not making that phone to her as that would only put more pressure on her to make a quicker decision on things. Of course if she doesn't call by Saturday do NOT bring it up or say anything till she tells, treat it like any normal friendly supportive way to make her feel more comfortable about talking to you alone. Of course the tricky part to this situation is when she where she will have this conversation, meaning that if you talk during a lunch break and goes for the "it can't be any more then what we have right now", it will become a very long day for both of you. Especially you because now you will be going through every emotional though process as your thinking why, and so you need to figure out how to go about this when she drops the "we need to talk". I would recommend that if says she is ready to talk that you recommend talking after work and that way both of your jobs don't get interrupted because of this. Although you don't have to use those exact words doing it privately over publicly is the best thing to do. I will say this though and that too many people at your work place know about this thats including your friends and her friends and most likely the boss as well, granted you told a bunch of strangers on a forum about this, the work place is a different story, especially about interoffice romance and junk like that. Seeking advice is one thing but when people start showing up and start asking the who? What? Where? When and why? thats putting pressure on your, and from what you been posting right now your doing well with that pressure, especially the waiting game.One question though to finish up and I might have missed this or hasn't been made mention but has she let her children see you at all? The reason I ask because if she has the children involved in some way of them knowing you then the situation starts at a new playing field, because now they aware of you and then the million questions from them start coming about who you are and what not. If the answer is no then situation is still the same and your waiting for a response, and I wouldn't doubt you have a place in hurt heart just remember both you need to realize whats best and not what you want at the moment.As for what to do after her response is giving that is up to you the only advice I can give is do whats right. Although I shouldn't even mention this because of the difficulty of it being successful is spending time apart, and if you know where I am going with that you know how many different answers you can put under that situation. I wanted to mention it as an option for you to think about because it all depends on the situation on how to use that time apart to think things through, but I will leave the judgment call on you to figure that out since your the one in the situation and not me.Just keep us posted and then when the time comes we go from there.

[CopperZepher 0]

Her kids dont recognize me as involved with her, MAYBE they would see me as "somebody from work" but I'm nothing special to her in their eyes.About what you said about the me not bringing it up on Saturday, I think that's a good idea that I did not think of, I mean, I was going to say nothing more than "I want you to call me when you're ready, no rush. Call me when you know what you want to say and when you have time to say it. Don't worry about me waiting..." I mean, is it okay that I say that? to re-assure her that I'm not anxious about getting her call? Even though I want nothing more in the World then that call?I have made sure that anything and everything I say to her (at least about this, I mean, we recently talked about me dieting, but that's nothing) thats physical. Nothing sexual, becuase what I want from her, is far from physical or sexual.There is only 1 person in the store with near complete knowledge of the situation. There is a guy that knows that SOMETHING is going on, but he has no idea what. The guy that knows whats going on, I trust him, and yeah...So I'm thinking that, if she ever has enough time, which I know she doesn't and this is just one of those "Wouldn't it be nice." things, but still. So a good situation that would be nice to talk to her about this, I'm thinking, is in a car. It's mostly quiet (especially where I live, lots of woods and trees and stuff), it's a good place to think to yourself outloud, and would be a good place for both of us (well me at least) to feel comfortable about saying whatever needs to be said. I'm not sure I'm going to suggest this. A phone call is alot more likely, but I wouldn't mind a walk or something. Just a thought, any ideas on a good situation I could try and put her in to make her feel more comfortable when she is ready? Perhaps a way to suggest a comforting situation to her?

[anwiii 17]

you know, some of this sounds like she has feelings for you the more you talk about it. i think she's confused and doesn't know how to talk to you about certain things. you may offer her more in one area than her husband does. women get attached easy and they get confused sometimes with their emotions. give her time to communicate. she seems really insecure right now when she has to insist that you feel comfortable with her. sometimes people will turn the problems around on others when THEY in fact have the problem and that is what it sounds like to me bud. so if my intuition is correct here(i wouldn't know unless she was the one posting) then i would be carefull in your response if she does open up. i know you would like more than a friendship wether you admit it or not....which is ok....just sounds like a big crush right now as SM stated(i think it was him). so i agree with SM. don't push the communication thing. she will push it when she's ready. obviously it's something important and she's confused....or maybe she gave your signals that you just aren't picking up on and is wondering if you are going to approach her.....who the heck knows sometimes when women are concerned and i am sure they feel the same way about us men. i wish i knew her and was a member here. i could get a better feel for what the situation is. my heart goes out to her though because i feel strongly she is confused about something and very insecure and doesn't know what to do....and can't even open up yet to her best friend from work.

[Saint_Michael 3]

you be surprised what kids pick up these days , but it seems they are not aware of anything at the moment until she says, "hey kids meet your new daddy" ( I had to throw that in just to get you t o laugh at something). Glad I caught you then on the Saturday thing then, usually the letter would have mention something to that ill affect like if she needed to call or talk to you anytime she know who to go to. Just talk to her like its any normal day and let her make the first move; however, I just notice the time frame between the letter and now, meaning thats it been about two week since you gave her that letter. So this is another option to think about if she hasn't said anything to by the end of next week you make the first move and talk about it, make sure to do it after work (refer to my previous post about location). That way you can help unclog all the thoughts she's been having about the whole situation and getting her to talk to you about it, and also getting her release some of that good ole emotion she definitely holding back. Like I said its an option because its borderline ultimatum on her part, but if you talk to her the the right way it won't seem like it, and that way you can get her to talk to you about. Ask simple questions to get her to open up, like how are you feeling about the situation? What are you thinking about? stuff like that. Hopefully she will start to talk to you and all you have to do is just listen until you need boost her reassurance that she can confide in you.Remember its not about you feeling comfortable its about her feeling more comfortable around you, maybe a semi-private place, that has some public but just enough for you two to be alone without being totally alone. That way you won't risk something happening and it lasting as long as it usually would in a public place. As for the one person thats know whats going on that is a good number because everyone likes rumors and gossip.Anwii is right she might have feelings but thats because of the situation at home, and thus thats where she is confused to here thought. I don't think it was ever mention that it was crush on her but it obvious enough in the first post, but turned up a notc by the time I started posting here. I would be thinking about signals because we guys never get them right As for the being a member here I have to disagree on the point that sh will take the comments we give to another direction and thats something we don't want to get involved in.Like I said anwii the best Copper can do is talk to her like it was any other day, and not saying anything about whats going on that and that way she can fell out the situation a lot clearer knowing he's not in a rush for anything; however, if you do go ahead with the option about making the first move thread lightly and only push it just enough to get her to talk to you about what she is thinking and feeling, and if she isn't ready yet hold back and let her know you here for her when she is ready to talk. At least then she is aware that your still waiting for an answer, but still willing to wait.Thats all I can say right now until we find out she started talking to you then we can move on to the post talk part of this relationship.

[CopperZepher 0]

No no no. I have her the letter on Tuesday, like 3 days ago. All the stuff before that was just random confusion and affection on my part.anwii, you may be right about this being a big crush. I don't want to break up any families or ruin and marriages, she knows that, like I'm 100% sure she does. I would feel absolutely horrible if she did break up her family because of me.I like what you said about letting her know that I'm still waiting, but still willing to wait longer. I'm thinking that my idea of saying something like "you call me when you're ready to call me.." is pretty good, and if she doesnt call by Saturday or speak to me on Saturday, I will tell her that at the end of her shift (she starts 1 hour before me and ends 1 hour before me, but our schedules are always changing so it's rarely like that.). But I'm not going to push anything from her before that, I will wait until she is halfway out the door to tell her that. As you have said, she seems emotionally unstable about this, and if I'm going to bring it up to her, I want to bring it up seconds before she is out of the public place, so maybe she can sit in her car for a bit and do whatever she needs to do (cry?) without fear of anyone else seeing her, this is why I like the car situation.Thanks for making me laugh too S_M, I havn't really been able to at all about this situation.This is perhaps the second or third time someone has said that maybe she has feelings for me. I don't pick up on those signals from her though, but perhaps you can pick up on them from what I am relaying to all of you. Back at perhaps me wanting something more than I say I want.. I'm not really sure, I mean, she's literally the most wonderful person I have ever met, but.. like I said, I don't want to mess anything up on her family side of things. Granted, she's really beautiful, but I don't look at her like that often, I see her as someone that I could tell almost anything to. I want to use that as a way to make her feel more comfortable around me, to get her to open up, like you said, that's more important. I'll feel comfortable around her because I love her, she knows I do, and I know that shes okay with that. I'm thinking that if I tell her just how comfortable I am, it will make her feel more secure about talking to me, if that makes sense?

[Saint_Michael 3]

aaah ok so you got me all confused then , ok disregard that option if she doesn't bring anything up 3 weeks from now . Sounds like a plan on what to say and when to say it.As for the feelings its possible since she hasn't ignore you completely and talks to you when she wants to, but I think we are all at agreement that she won't break the family apart. Of course the tell tale sign she might have feelings is the fact she hasn't reponded to you and still thinking about it, and so do the as she leaves to go out the door and talk to her thing and make a semi decision on whats she wants to do.As for body signals that is totally impossible for us to pick them up unless anwii can read people's minds or see through other people's eyes we know as much as you do in her signals. Hopefully she focuses on the benefits of being friends and nothing more that way she can cut off the romance stuff.

[anwiii 17]

yea, i don't think she would allow her family to be broken up unless there was some type of physical or emotional abuse going on. but if not, then she seems like a good person from what i am hearing and good people don't cheat on their families.and copper, you seem pretty responsible and mature for your age. and i'm glad you brought this discussion here because even though you seem mature and responsible, even will always have new learning experiences they don't know exactly how to deal with at the time.it's unfortunate she's married, so i feel for ya bud. just keep playing it cool. if she's confused right now then she will continue to be uncomfortable so just be patient and her knowing how you feel is probably making her uncomfortable in my opinion because if she's a good person, she wants to open up as a friend, but at the same time, she doesn't want to lead you on in to thinking something else might happen.SM- i have an excellent read on people when i talk to them one on one for some reason. i wouldn't call it psychic or reading peoples minds, but more on the lines of very intuitive and empathetic. why i felt so bad in my realizations recently here on trap. sometimes i am slow where i am concerned in my own situations. i would LOVE to hear from this woman, but if she came here she would probably flip that everyone is talking about her but nothing bad has been said. everything has been said in a very caring mannor with as much understanding as we are able to understand about this situation since it's a bit one sided here. that's why i hate jumping to conclusions because there could be many possibilities here....even ones copper doesn't know about yet....or anyone for that matter.just keep playing it cool copper. i know you try to keep your cool when you're posting, but i also know this this whole situation is also driving you crazy with questions that you don't have answers to yet....especially keeping your mind off someone you love when it can't be returned.

[nol 0]

Haha...its not unusual, you kidding me? All men have crushes on women. Its natural, and expecially older women (at least older women until you turn about 30 or so). I am the same age as you (maybe younger since your about to turn 18 you said), but i mean, theres nothing you can do, shes married, and shes a lot older then you, its age difference, obviously fate says you must be with another women equally pretty and amazing.

[CopperZepher 0]

@SM About body signals. She seems kind of jittery, but not like shaky. Her movements are just more.. quick instead of smooth and fluidy. I have seen her tear up more in the past 3 days than all the other times combined. That means, once, I saw her come into work crying, like, makeup streaming kind of crying, and I heared something about her husband. I'm not sure the family status is in the best of terms.@anwii I personally think that I am mature and responsible because I spent a whole semester out with the local police every Saturday. I'm not the most popular kid on the block because of this (actually far from it), but it has, I think, really shaped me into the real world. It's nice that I have someone like you working with me on this, especially because of your Patrick Stewart X-Men Mind Reading Abilities. I feel though, that you are right about her being uncomfortable, and as somebody said earlier, that she may have her own insecurities if shes wanting me to feel comfortable around her. I want her to know that I am far from uncomfortable around her, because I think that will make her feel better about this. EDIT: I also think that she sees me as responsible and such, because she is well aware of my police connections. Because although that semester was 3 years ago, I still am in great contact with many of the officers. I have said a bit about this place, it's sorta small, so the department isn't that big, there aren't many people to go getting in the way of things. She does live 3 cities away, but I wouldn't call them cities... rather... communities. And as a hint for you all, I live (and always have lived) in the "Second Best place to live in the country for 2005".@nol I'm not sure there is another woman in the world as pretty or amazing as her. Then again, how many girls have we all thought that about? Also, I hit up 18 in May.EDIT2: A note that I probably should have said alot earlier, but even though I didn't, you guys still picked up on it, and now that I think about it you might be right. Maybe it's because I don't look for a relationship her, that I don't see her maybe having those kinds of feelings for me, but since you (very helpful) guys are a 3rd party, you pick up on everything because you're not biased about her or me. The day after I have her the letter, Wednesday, it was... normal, I had some anxiety at first, but she was really comforting about it. We acted like normal, talked like normal, and treated eachother like normal. But I didn't really think about it until now (also, to whomever said something about me thinking about her, and love and hard to get her out of my mind. Yeah, I think about her 24/7, I can't stop, but I'm being really patient about it, as you have seen.), but my job is to ask the customer "paper or plastic" and the customer said something about how they wanted me to choose or something, but she (this girl) said "ohh, don't worry, he's not picky..." and she's never talked about me like that. It's as if she knows me, the way I think, like she's become an expert... on me, its amazing, especially the way she looked at me out of the corner of her eye when she said that. I felt like, wow, she... can read my mind or something, like there's some sort of real connection there that I never saw, but apparently you guys have. What do you think about this?

Edited December 8, 2007 by CopperZepher (see edit history)

[nol 0]

@SM About body signals. She seems kind of jittery, but not like shaky. Her movements are just more.. quick instead of smooth and fluidy. I have seen her tear up more in the past 3 days than all the other times combined. That means, once, I saw her come into work crying, like, makeup streaming kind of crying, and I heared something about her husband. I'm not sure the family status is in the best of terms.
@anwii I personally think that I am mature and responsible because I spent a whole semester out with the local police every Saturday. I'm not the most popular kid on the block because of this (actually far from it), but it has, I think, really shaped me into the real world. It's nice that I have someone like you working with me on this, especially because of your Patrick Stewart X-Men Mind Reading Abilities. I feel though, that you are right about her being uncomfortable, and as somebody said earlier, that she may have her own insecurities if shes wanting me to feel comfortable around her. I want her to know that I am far from uncomfortable around her, because I think that will make her feel better about this. EDIT: I also think that she sees me as responsible and such, because she is well aware of my police connections. Because although that semester was 3 years ago, I still am in great contact with many of the officers. I have said a bit about this place, it's sorta small, so the department isn't that big, there aren't many people to go getting in the way of things. She does live 3 cities away, but I wouldn't call them cities... rather... communities. And as a hint for you all, I live (and always have lived) in the "Second Best place to live in the country for 2005".

@nol I'm not sure there is another woman in the world as pretty or amazing as her. Then again, how many girls have we all thought that about? Also, I hit up 18 in May.

Heh, this is coming from a guy who fuxed up his life at the age of 13, adn then again at 16, but If her kids are young, they won't notice or see their 'mommy' as a person who would commit against marriage, which if they are young, then they probably dont even think its legal to cheat on somebody. So they dont think you as any threat to their mom. The best advice I can give you is, stay friends with her, and help her through it. If you ever want a chance with her, you must not show signs of 'loving her' or having a crush on her, and just help her through, and if her marriage is not what it is supposed to be, wait a couple weeks or months after they are divorced and then start acting like you like her as much as you say you do.

That way she knows you are sensitive, and understanding, and didn't want to take advantage of her. She'll probably go for that. Again, this is coming from a guy who messed up his life at a young age, that and I've never been in a situation like this, but its the best advice I can give.

[CopperZepher 0]

Your story intruiges me? Perhaps a topic for another thread though haha. Her kids are 2 and 9. Also, I personally don't think she would commit against her marriage. But I like your idea of waiting 2 weeks or a month if it does happen to all go down the drain.