How Do I Crawl Out Of This Shell?

[rayzoredge 2]

As of right now, I despise the idea of a possible relationship with anyone but at the same time wish for it so much to happen.How did this happen? Let's go back...I didn't actually have my first girlfriend until I was at the end of my junior year heading into my senior year. We were in the music program together and I found out, after months of her gushing over this other guy and asking me for advice on how to approach him and everything, that she suddenly had a crush on me. Yay. I was so excited over the fact that someone actually had an interest in me that I didn't even bother thinking about how she had dated just about a ton of other guys in the high school band... the "stereotypical band *BLEEP*," if you will. It was a fling for her and a first for me... which ended up with me moving to a new high school for my senior year, distant calls, and eventually a gradual stop to calling each other at all. It was almost an understood and mutual breakup, even though neither of us said anything. I think she lost interest in me much earlier than I had.My second girlfriend was almost a pity girlfriend. She approached me and again, she had a crush on me and I couldn't say no (because I'm such a nice guy ). She was so sheltered and so into herself, however, that we never really did anything together, and she used me as a trophy to gain a little bit of status. Needless to say, I ended that relationship as soon as she had one of her hissy fits, and stayed away from her even though she apologized and wanted me to be with her again.That led me to my third girlfriend, who actually was a friend of the second (who introduced me to the third). We met each other and didn't really think much of it, and frankly I don't even know how anything clicked in this relationship. We ended up being together and that's when I found out that this girl was literally crazy in the head. As in the past lives, thinking she was a cat, and seeing things type of crazy. She was a self-mutilator and constantly ran from me in the middle of the night thinking that she was being called upon by some spirits in the woods. It was nuts. It didn't help that she was also very sexually active... which led to her cheating on me with one of my best friends at the time. I forgave her the first time ( ) but the second time it happened I just let her go. There was no room for *BLEEP* in my life, and this was when I started to get a sort of intolerance for the childish crap that comes with high school relationships...My fourth girlfriend was actually a friend of my third, and we actually became good friends. When she heard that I broke up with my third, she admitted that she had a crush on me. And of course, yet again, I agreed to going out with her. She was a cool girl... nice, but she was going through a copycat phase, which kind of meant that she was copying my third ex in terms of the crazy behavior with seeing things, having another personality, etc. It was very much ridiculous... so ridiculous that I was going to break up with her right off the back. But to make matters worse, seeing how I was unhappy, my friend introduced me to a friend of hers, who happened to have HER friend sleeping over that night when we talked online on AIM. She was the sister of one of my best friends (and of course, I was interested in seeing who she was, since I didn't know he had a sister), so we planned on meeting up to hang out for a bit.She turned out to be my fifth, but almost in a bad way. That day I planned on hanging out with her and her friend to get to know both of them, I ended up kissing her in the evening... while I was technically with my fourth. I told my fourth that I basically cheated on her and of course, the rest of that is history. My fifth and I were actually very much happy for the month that we were physically together, up until I left for basic training the following month. We kept in touch through letters, until finally she decided to break up with me right before Christmas. The worst part about that was the fact that she mentioned earlier that she found one of her old friends, and later I found out that she was dating him after she broke up with me. Whether she cheated on me while I was gone or whether she fell on his shoulder after she broke up with me by letter, I'm not sure.I was rather bitter with girls at this point. I felt like I couldn't trust anyone anymore, or even myself with girls. Three years later, I threw myself into the waters again and met a girl online on MySpace.She seemed great, and it didn't take us very long to get to know each other and even used webcams to keep in touch almost every day. I was overwhelmed, head in heels over what I thought could be a great relationship. I blew off college. I didn't sleep. I was being less careful with balancing my job with my time with this girl. After all this and six months of it, I flew over to see her, after all the talk we had over not being able to wait to meet each other in person, what we could do, etc. And when I landed, and took the bus over to Concord, and anticipated our first encounter, picturing the perfect picture in my head, I finally saw her, and she finally saw me. And I did not get even a hug.It was understandable... how could you hug someone right off the back that you've only interacted with online? I gave it some time, and she had me shack up at her place. Her parents were gone for the month, and I was thinking that she and I could actually do stuff together. Of course, I thought wrong.To make this part of the story shorter: She hosted a party and invited a bunch of people, some she didn't even knew. After getting drunk, she slept with someone that she only knew for a few hours. And I know because I woke up to their having sex. It was emotionally disturbing. I left her house immediately, grabbing my things and starting my troubled march towards a friend's house at 4AM, helplessly fuming with each step I took. I flew back to my post, wondering if my luck would ever change.A year has passed and I am still the worse for wear. Just shy of two months ago, one of my best friend's sisters admitted to me that she really wanted to date me. There was a problem though: she JUST turned 17 and I was shy of 21 at the time. Plus, it didn't seem right that I would date my best friend's younger sister... whom I was older than by almost 5 years. We talked and I had denied the possibility of a relationship, but she insisted that she would date me when she got older and it would be less awkward (18 or so). So she brought up the friends-with-benefits idea, and after much hesitation, I agreed to it, but only because she seemed so persistent in dating me. After she lost her virginity to me, she decided that I was too old for her... an argument that I threw at her long ago about why we COULDN'T do anything... which made me believe she used me for sex.Now, most guys wouldn't have cared at all if they were used for sex. I'm one of the moronic few that actually holds a value in sex, that it should be shared between two people that love and care for each other, and the act itself was a level of intimacy that was reserved only for a couple dedicated to each other. That sort of thing.I was upset, but I blew it off, figuring that I'd live. A few days later, I hear from a friend that she had participated in other sexual activities with two other guys... at the same time. This was just a few days later after we had "broken up." I was furious not at the fact that it confirmed that she used me, but at the fact that she wasn't even thinking clearly and subjecting herself to her more hormonal desires. It wasn't right. Of course, what I did next wasn't right either. That night, I went to her dad and talked to him in private about what I heard about his daughter, the fact that we had sex, and my thoughts on the whole thing. He was upset, understandably, but my intent was for him to try to keep a closer eye on his own daughter to keep her from just following her sexual whim and end up hurting herself emotionally in the long run. I really was mad at her, but at the same time I cared enough to try to keep her from hurting herself. I didn't expect for her dad to talk to her mom, who talked to her about what I told her dad though.Of course, she was upset... I had no right to even tell her dad about her sexual life. I didn't expect her to see it from my perspective or even understand my motive for doing what I did... she was just going to see it as more restrictions and her parents giving her the third degree every time she wanted to go out. So after a short argument, I stopped caring. She wanted me to never talk to her again, so I blocked her. I stopped all contact with her. And even though even the thought of her pisses me off, I can't help but still care a little and wonder if she's doing all right.Now that you know my dating history, you can probably see how I've become rather bitter and almost cynical with girls in general. I really can't look at any girls without thinking that she'd either use me, play mind games, and if I can't think of the slightest evil that she could do to me, I wouldn't want to hurt her. As we've seen, even my best intentions go awry and never according to how I see it.I've treated every one of my ex-girlfriends the best I could possibly have (with the exception of "accidentally" cheating on my fourth). I spent as much time with them as I could, bought them gifts, never abused them in any way, have been as gentle, understanding, and sacrificial as possible, and somehow I end up with the short end of the stick. It makes me think immediately whenever I see a girl that I have even the slightest remote chance of being attracted to that 1.) I don't want to hurt her; and 2.) I don't want to be hurt by her. It's been happening and I hate feeling like this, and I'm sure you can understand why I feel like this.I don't want to feel like this about girls anymore, but sadly I think I'm now permanently bitter and apprehensive. I want a special someone very much to share life with but I just don't want to take that chance that I hurt her, and I care about that moreso than the possibility of her hurting me.I don't know what to do.

[TikiPrincess 0]

You've been quite thorough in explaining your past relationships... from your perspective. You make it seem like every single one of these girls is at fault for ruining these relationships, but remember that there are two people involved in them.

 

It takes work from both people to make a lasting, loving relationship work and withstand societal and media pressure about how men and women should act alone and within a relationship. Our parents have raised us to value love and commitment; however, we turn on the latest shows from The Real World to The OC, and the media tells us something else. Even our parents sometimes prove to be hypocritical since they get divorced, re-married, and divorce again. People growing up in the MTV generation are becoming progressively more promiscuous and self-absorbed. It's far worse today than when I was in high school and that's only a decade ago. I didn't start dating until I was 15 or 16, but now I'm hearing about girls getting pregnant in the 5th and 6th grade! I'm guessing these girls didn't have an Immaculate Conception and the angel Gabriel didn't visit them in their dreams and tell them that they're giving birth to the next Messiah. There's a male counterpart involved.

 

I'm not blaming you, I'm just saying that you should take a minute to reflect on your part in this. For example, there's a few things that you could have avoided, had you thought things through a bit. I know that everything is always clearer in retrospect, but we learn from our mistakes, so just keep these things in mind before you decide to write women off for good.

First of all, don't expect a relationship with the band's personal "cheerleader." (BTW really creepy, that's like a groupie that only sleeps with the roadies and back-up singers.)

Secondly, relationships in high school are all about status even when they're not. Yes, the high school sweethearts who were best friends and discovered that they love each other are just another status symbol. I'll bet the girl had it all planned out in her head by junior high.

Thirdly, never date a friend of an ex-girlfriend!!!!! Especially if you're technically still dating your girlfriend. Girls are weird in the fact that friendships are also fierce rivalries. They're always trying to one-up each other, so stealing a boyfriend is one of the ultimate "I'm better than you are" moves. It's not about you, it's about who has you. If you find yourself in the middle of one of these, turn around and walk away from both of them unless you like feeling like a trophy because they're both petty and childish and not mature enough for a deeply committed relationship.

Fifth, being in a long distance relationship is hard, especially if you haven't been dating for very long. It's much easier to feel like you're in love when you're able to talk everyday and be physically affectionate with each other. It's doubly hard when that distance is the result of being in the military in wartime because she has different issues to deal with, like whether you'll be alive tomorrow.

Sixth, mySpace is a glorified black book. Use it to meet people to hook-up with, not to start a long term relationship. If she's someone you might want to get involved with, then keep the dates light and friendly rather than going to her house while her parents are away for a month.

Seventh, taking a girl's virginity is very serious, especially if she's waited so long to give it and she's chosen you to give it to. It's not like guys where they just stick it in something because, let's face it, the experience is almost always pleasurable for you. Not only is there a physical change in a woman, there's also a psychological and emotional change involved. She was probably extremely confused and emotionally fragile, so she pushed you away to protect herself. Instead of comforting her and assuring her that you still valued her and understood what a big deal it was to her, you walked away and later told her father that you felt she was promiscuous.

Something else that I noticed is that you seem to wait until a girl approaches you. I know it's pretty awesome when someone pursues you, but instead of waiting around for the right girl to show up, why not decide what you want from a relationship first? Don't think about what you want in a girl because you're never going to find the "right" girl that way. Think about what you value in life and from a relationship. Is family important? Not in terms of having kids and stuff, but think about the kind of relationship you have with your family and the way you want her to treat them and how she treats hers. What do you do in your free time and do you do things that you want her to do with you or would you like to keep your free time to yourself? Think about your friends and whether you want your girlfriend to hang out with them or would you rather she just get along with them enough to go to parties and larger social functions? What about romance and affection? Do you need grand gestures every once in awhile or are you happier with little everyday things that show you she cares? I'm not a jewelry person, so my husband knows that I could care less whether he shows up with a little blue Tiffany's box, even though most of my girlfriends would be absolutely ecstatic. I like books, video games, movies, cookware, cutlery, and things like that. I went wild over getting a rice cooker one year. So my birthday gift arrived in a plain, brown Amazon.com box, which means it could be anything!

 

Decide what you want from a relationship and don't settle for anything less.

[rayzoredge 2]

I love you Tiki.

 

You make it seem like every single one of these girls is at fault for ruining these relationships, but remember that there are two people involved in them.

Yup yups... I was kind of moody at the time of posting.

First was kind of... well, it was my first girlfriend, and I think I was just a bit surprised and almost excited enough to not notice that she was the band's "cheerleader." (I figured it out midway.) This one was kind of a mutual fault... we both kind of just drifted apart. Which, really, didn't bother me that much.

Second is self-explanatory.

Third, the other one didn't care for some reason. Guess she was so into herself that she didn't even notice? (She was actually the one who introduced me to her.) The third one I have to still say was her doing... she cheated on me. Twice. Not sure how it was my fault, really.

Fifth was probably my fault... I'm not even sure. Apparently I made her feel stupid in my letter-writing and wasn't romantic enough and she was tired of it. (Sound stupid? It's true.) Didn't look too good that she later dates the "old friend" she mentioned before, though.

Sixth was just stupid. It was almost a surprise for her, apparently, that I wasn't exactly what she made me out to be. So there really wasn't much going on there. My fault for going out of my way to meet her (although she was looking forward to it); her fault for getting drunk and sleeping with the other guy.

Seventh: I actually don't find sex as gratifying as it should be. Strangely enough, I don't feel anything... the only thing I love about sex is the intimacy and the "closeness" that you have with your partner. (Yeah, I'm a cuddler... ) You mentioned emotional and psychological changes, yet I find it VERY disturbing that a few days after we had sex, she "breaks up" with me, and not even a couple of days after that, I hear from her best friend that she DID stuff with a couple of guys. (I have a strong feeling it's true considering that the seventh didn't deny it and she actually was the one who boasted to her friend, who then called me and told me.) I really don't see that as emotionally fragile... I consider that acting on hormones and not thinking clearly. Her fault on going out and doing things, my fault for what I did to her after knowing about it.

Of course, you're right... it is from my perspective. Either I'm close, or I'll never know what really keeps me from holding a relationship intact.

 

It takes work from both people to make a lasting, loving relationship work and withstand societal and media pressure about how men and women should act alone and within a relationship. Our parents have raised us to value love and commitment; however, we turn on the latest shows from The Real World to The OC, and the media tells us something else. Even our parents sometimes prove to be hypocritical since they get divorced, re-married, and divorce again. People growing up in the MTV generation are becoming progressively more promiscuous and self-absorbed. It's far worse today than when I was in high school and that's only a decade ago. I didn't start dating until I was 15 or 16, but now I'm hearing about girls getting pregnant in the 5th and 6th grade! I'm guessing these girls didn't have an Immaculate Conception and the angel Gabriel didn't visit them in their dreams and tell them that they're giving birth to the next Messiah. There's a male counterpart involved.

Yep.

 

Something else that I noticed is that you seem to wait until a girl approaches you. I know it's pretty awesome when someone pursues you, but instead of waiting around for the right girl to show up, why not decide what you want from a relationship first?

I'm too damn shy and I hate it. It's so bad because now I'm gradually becoming bitter and cynical as well.

 

I think the first time I ever asked anyone out actually became a great "romantic comedy" moment... it was that perfect. Sarcastically speaking, of course.

 

One of my friends called and convinced me to come out of the room to join him and his girlfriend at a quiet bar (with his incentive being that his girlfriend had a single friend), and of course I decided to go. When I got there, his girlfriend's friend was outstandingly cute. Thoughts were going in my head as I made my introduction, yada yada. I finally got up the nerve to ask her (which her friend had to translate, because she didn't speak English very well) if she wanted to go out for a drink, just her and me sometime. It was an innocent request. After her friend translated, this girl started off by saying "Nein, nein, nein!" ("No, no, no!" in German.). Yeah... I was turned down pretty quickly there. Of course, my buddy takes me to the side and tells me that she wasn't being mean... her ex-boyfriend who she JUST broke up with prior to me getting there was sitting at the other table. Just my luck. I was so flabbergasted by the situation that when the waitress came for the check, I threw down some money and left. (Not angrily... just excused myself to go back to base.)

 

Later, I find out that she broke up with her German boyfriend to go out with another American soldier. Of course, my friend didn't exactly mention that detail.

 

Anyway, that exactly wasn't that much of a moral booster being my first time asking anyone out after mustering the courage to do so and whatnot. It's been almost three years... you'd think that I would be up to try again.

 

Still friggin' shy.

 

Thanks for the response and the advice... still living and learning. I just want to get rid of this whole feeling: the shyness, not wanting to be hurt, but most of all, not wanting to hurt anyone. It seems like even my good intentions come out badly... but I don't know.

[tuddy 0]

Just keep trying. You don't get to a "perfect" relationship stright from set go. I have to agree with Tiki on the friends part, dating friends of ex-girlfriends is bad. I say you just need to get out "not online" and meet new people and try something alittle different.I understand how Tiki is saying that it's two people in a relationship, but it only takes one to be half comitted or have an underlying motive for the whole thing to have been a set-up from the set-go. I hate the fact that girls can say how it's always the guys fault, there all a$$s yet cannot look in the mirror and see all the *BLEEP* they do put guys through. All I can say is, good luck, and get away from immature little "sputs"!