B4dark's Collection Of Jokes! Jokes i collected from all over the net

[b4dark 0]

These are actual directions found on certain products around theworld!1. Directions found on a bag of frito corn chips. "You could be a winner!!! No purchase neccessary!!! Details inside!" you think to your self (Shoplifters special)2. On Tesco's Tiramisu Desert (directions on bottom) "Do not turn upsode down" (Too late)3. On Marks & Spncers Bread Pudding. "Product will be hot after heating" (Just as day follows night)4. On most kinds of christmas lights. "Indoor and outdoor uses ONLY" (As opposed to what now?)5. On Sainsbury's peanuts. "WARNING CONTAINS NUTS!!!" (Talk about your news flash)6. Found on an American Airlines Packet of peanuts. "Step One: Open packet. Step two: Eat nuts." You think to your self (Step three: Fly Delta)7. On a sweedish chinsaw. "Warning! PLease do not try to stop with hands or genitals!!" (Was there a lot of this happening somewhere!My GOD!)Taken from funny.com

[b4dark 0]

A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true,"the woman wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribedhas to be taken for the rest of my life"? "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.There was a moment of silence before the woman continued, "I'mwondering, then, just how serious is my condition. Thisprescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'"

[b4dark 0]

It was the final examination for an introductory English courseat the local university. The examination was two hours long, andexam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict andtold the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactlytwo hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Ahalf hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked theprofessor for an exam booklet."You're not going to have time to finish this," the professorstated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet."Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and beganwriting. After two hours, the professor called for the exams,and the students filed up and handed them in. All except thelate student, who continued writing. A half hour later, the laststudent came up to the professor who was sitting at his deskpreparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam onthe stack of exam booklets already there."No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late." Thestudent looked incredulous and angry."Do you know WHO I am?""No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor."DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" The student asked again."No, and I don't care." Replied the professor with an air ofsuperiority."Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack ofcompleted exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out ofthe room.

[b4dark 0]

Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dadsays, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm thebreadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy isthe administrator of the money, so we'll call her theGovernment. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll callyou The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class.Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think aboutthis and see if it makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad hassaid. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying andruns to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled.So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is soundasleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and seeshis father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back tobed.The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, Ithink I understand what politics is now.""Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing theWorking Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People arebeing ignored and the Future is in deep $h!+."

[Milk 0]

Heh, they're okay. The last one is really old =P But still amusing. The second one, with the lady and the doctor and the perscription thing, is a good one. It made me chuckle. >_> But anyways, post more, maybe you'll have an especially good one in the future.

[Faceless Guy 0]

I once saw a road sign: "do not jump here, you may fall". I had something like "well d'uh, but what's gonna make me wanna jump here?"

[NNNOOOOOO 0]

"What goes up, must come down."What about age, or helium?"No shirt, no shoes, no service."What about pants?

[NNNOOOOOO 0]

Controller: I've got you on radar, state your intentions. Pilot: Can I fly around in circles Sir?
Controller: Negative, you are in a busy airspace right now.
Pilot: Ok then, I'll fly around in straight lines.

Another time, we were about fourth in a long queue waiting to take off in our larger Boeing aircraft. The JFK ATC allowed a B737 on a local flight to take a short-cut and start his takeoff run by joining the main runway from a taxiway causing us to wait for him to take off and clear. "How do you like them apples?" he said on local VHF as he started his takeoff run. Boeing aircraft had a warning horn for major problems that you can test. Half-way along the B737's takeoff run, 'someone' held their cockpit mike to the horn and pressed it as they tested it. The B737 abruptly stopped takeoff with full reverse and full braking and shuddered to a halt, tires (tyres) smoking. A few seconds later we heard a voice on our VHF: "How do you like them apples?.."

Pilot: "Boeing Tower, Cessna 761 Uniform Alpha for a Mercer Departure at Alpha Niner with information X-Ray." Tower: "Cessna 761 Uniform Alpha cleared for takeoff, runway 13 right, fly the Mercer departure."
Pilot: "Cessna 761 Uniform Alpha cleared for takeoff, is rolling."
45 seconds later...
Co-Pilot: "Boeing tower, please be advised, there is a flock of seagulls near the south end of runway 13 right at 400 ft."
Tower: (singing) "And I ran, I ran so far away... I just ran, I ran all night and day... I had to get away.."
Pilot: "Cessna 761 Uniform Alpha has humor..."
Tower: (hysterical laughter)

This happened at the small but busy Sarasota Florida airport in 1975. The tower was open from 6am until 10pm and most of the traffic was during daylight hours. There was a National flight in every night about 8:30pm and often had a joker at the wheel. On a particular dark night after handoff from Tampa approach the controller hears: "Sarasota tower, National123 with you... (pause) ... guess where?." The controller promptly turned off all the airport lights - there was no other traffic - and replied: "National123 - Sarasota tower - guess where?..." After a silence of about fifteen seconds the chastened National pilot came back: "Sarasota tower this is National Airlines flight 123 from Tampa and we are exactley 10.3 DME on the 300 degree radial inbound for landing.." The controller switched the lights back on and cleared the pilot to land.

more at:
http://www.businessballs.com/airtrafficcontrollersfunnyquotes.htm