My Poem About Society

[husker 0]

This is one that just kind of came to me, and I used some ideas that have been used in other poems I have heard. The trenches represent poor and the mountains are the rich. I took Nigai advice and didn't force a rhyme. I hope you like it! Even on the cloudiest days the sun is shiningThose on the mountains get all the sunWhile the trenches below have another rainy dayAnd they all know the storm will not clear soonWhat if the Himalayas pulled up trenches?What if the rain went away?What if the trenches flooded and no one died?Unfortunately the storm will not clear soonThe mountains will not pull, but they canThe trenches will not give up, but they canThe lightning will not stop, but it canIt appears the storm will not clear soonOne day everyone will be standing next to each otherIf only that day could be todayThe cannons could cool and the guns restToo bad the storm will not clear soon

Edited November 4, 2006 by husker (see edit history)

[ghostrider 0]

I like this, I think it has a lot to do with the way society is. I also think that it is right for the most part, but if u are referring to the sun being happiness and the storm being sadness, I do not think this is true in some cases. My best friend Ryan is poor, but he is very happy with what he has and wants to make the best for himself and outdo his parents. There are exceptions to the rich and poor thing. Its still a great poem. It made me really think.

[lindsaybernsen 0]

I like the continued repitition- "the storm will not clear soon." Parallelism is always good.However watch your comparisons "Those on the mountains get all the sunWhile the trenches below have another rainy day" You mention people on the mountain, but only trenches below. It is a good metaphor, but even metaphors should be consistent."what if the rain went away?What if the trenches flooded and no one died?"If the rain went away, which I think is the idea since sunny seems to be the preferred state, why would the trenches flood? Or is it that there will still be hard times, but if we work together we can make it through them?Oh, and it should be "cloudiest." I always make small typos too, so its nice when people point them out.

[husker 0]

Thanks for the advice you two. The lines where the rain went away and the trenches flooded are not supposed to be linked. They are supposed to be two separate ideas. I had a hard time with organization on the second stanza. Ghostrider, I agree with you that some poor people are sad, but they always seems to be lacking something else other than money (although we are all like this in a way). I will work on these things and thanks for the criticism.