Rose Colored Window Figured id pick a random place to post this, Wanted a Second Opin

[A Non amass 0]

Pink skies over my head raining down the thoughts of giving in,And as the wind changes the house upon the hill stays the same,Where the sun has gone I dont know but im feel it's far away,or has the sun turned to the moon never to shine its rays on my face again,Rose Mary Sugar Coated Glass Hiding the Truth About Our Past,And Up Ahead You Find Yourself Painting The Windows With A Brush,With Hate He Screams It's All A Lie, Ignorance Is Bless, It's A Lie,No, We Are Ready Follow Me We'll Crush The Windows and We'll See.He seems to wonder if the truth's to far away to ever see,The man inside your head wants you to stop, but a loser he wishes to never beAs though the windows posses a mind it starts to beg him as we try,To unfold the truth the long lost truth, told by your self is better as a lieThe windows refuse to be pushed aside,All That Remains Is Peaceful Bless , But What is Bless If you havn't tasted Hell,With Little Hope You Place Your Hands On The Rose Window to Find Your Self,All Alone but The Windows Open Without a Thought He Leaps Through,Awake in a Darker Place than the Dark House Which You Sadly Went Away,He Finds to Be in a Box On A Forgotten Street, Sheilding from The Rain,Brush in His Hand Becomes the truth , A Blood Stained Needle To Your Vein,With utmost horror you start to weap As You Wish the Bless Was back Again,He Injects the Needle leaps in To the Rose painted Windows once Again.

Edited May 20, 2006 by A Non amass (see edit history)

[serverph 0]

i nearly had convulsions with the train of thought in your poem, and had a hard time mentally figuring out the corrections needed for easier comprehension. seriously -- capitalization, grammar, punctuation, spelling -- these need to be threshed out. i suppose "bless" is meant to be "bliss", and "weap" to be "weep"? i'd like to read it more after you polished it.

[lindsaybernsen 0]

I like the idea, and especially the first two stanzas.The rhyme scheme confuses me some though. The first stanza seems to be mostly free verse, although in and again do rhyme. The second stanza is the best and the intra-line rhyming is consistent. The thrid stanza is a-a-b-b-b, but the second line seems very forced and the length really doesnt flow. Find a synonym for lie, its already been used too many times. Last stanza, Rain and Vein rhyme but that's it, hell and self almost do, and though it works to rhyme a word with itself it seems like you could probably thought of something better than repeating again. I also really like how the first and third stanzas are lower case except for the first letter of each line, but the second and fourth are capitalized like book titles.Overall, with a little bit of tweaking it will be very good, as is its still admirable.

Edited November 4, 2006 by lindsaybernsen (see edit history)