Parenting Skills

[brandice 0]

I been a babysitter for several years, and before that I worked in a toy store. I've always been an observer. I've sort of compiled a list of some basic things parents should remember. I know a lot of you might be too young to have kids right now, but these are a few things to keep in mind when those days come.-Hitting your kid isn't going to make them stop crying.-Counting only works when it's used in conjuction with a consistant form of punishment. It never works if you are just using it so you don't have to get off your backside and take the scissors/rope/wasp nest away from the child.-You are the grown up. Don't get into name calling fights with your babies.-On that note, kids are going to see how much they can get away with, never take their "insults" seriously. And certainly don't cry because a 3 year old tells you that you have a fat butt.There are several more things. t this in Vent right now by a little drama that is being played out in the next room. My sister and here family live in the same house as me. The 11 month old baby just had a dirty diaper, ripped it off and made quite a mess of things. "It happens to all babies, doesn't it?" my sister just said between screams.Sure, maybe. But it doesn't happen when the parents are LESS THAN THREE FEET AWAY. If you are that close to a baby in a diaper, you usually notice when that sort of thing is going on. To have the baby redecorate the room and while the parents don't notice is crazy.They need to get out of their own world and look over at the baby every once in a while.

[Avalon 1]

Well said Brandice. I am a parent myself but it seems a lot of other parents are too consumed in their own little worlds to give their children the attention they deserve. Here in Australia they are talking about punishing the parents of unruly/destructive children by making them take parenting classes. To me it seems the reason we have so many unruly children is because their parents do not take note or care what their children are doing. From my experience, children that behave badly usually do so because it's the only way they can get their parent's attention. Some parents seem to think if you buy the child a gift it proves that you love them, not so. A person much wiser than me once told me, "Children spell love as TIME." I have never been able to spend a lot of money on my children, (not as much as I and they would like) but I have been able to spend a lot of time with them. Sure it means I haven't been to do as many things for ME as I would like, but I feel as a parent, my first responsibility is to my children. It is my responsibility to develop them in to sensible, well balanced adults that are able to genuinely care for others and not just themselves. My children are now 16 and 20, they have never been in trouble with the police, don't do drugs and are generally well mannered and polite. I think I have achieved the result I desired.To those children reading this, just because your parents won't let you do everything you want, it does not mean they don't love you. The fact that they are stopping from doing something, (usually for a good reason, even if you don't agree with it) suggests they they do in fact care about you.

Edited April 29, 2006 by Avalon (see edit history)

[agentblade 0]

Just to add a few pointers I learnt from working with children in my church..1. Discipline is a must, you need to punish the child if he/she done something wrong. But how you punish is another matter. Extreme pain is definitely a no-no. Beating should only be done as a last resort after repeated punishment. There are many creative ways of punishing, like time out, grounding, deprive of benefits. But after you punish you MUST reason with the child why you punished. Only then can they see the error of their ways.2. a better way than punishment is rewarding for the good things they do. By reward I mean verbal rewards, praise and encouraging words works more than monetary rewards.3. A child needs nothing more than time. Love = time. spend time with your child is the best way to show you love them, money cannot buy love.4. Lastly, a child learn from role models, be it good or bad role models. As parents and educators, we must remember that its the way we conduct ourselves that really matters. We can say something but behave a different way, you can be sure the child will follow what you do rather than what you say.. This is a good thread..keke.. keep it going.. =)

[master_bacarra 0]

-Hitting your kid isn't going to make them stop crying.

it's not advisable to hit/spank kids as a form of teaching them a lesson. nor will battering them with hurtful words. i've read before that you should be careful on the way you treat kids and the way you teach them lessons. in our country, most parents use lies to scare their children so they could behave properly. and what's worse is that these lies can be made to truths to these kids' minds. although some of them aren't that harmful, most could have an effect as worst as kids discriminating other people (of lower status) or turning into racists.

[WindAndWater 0]

Beating should only be done as a last resort after repeated punishment.

My significant other and I have had arguments about this as well (thankfully, pure speculation in our case). I cannot think of a single situation where I feel that physically beating a child is appropriate or justified. There are many other disciplinary tools available to parents, and really no excusable reason to resort to violence against a child. Many people who favor spanking would disagree with me, but I can't help but see it as a sign of bad parenting.

[agentblade 0]

My significant other and I have had arguments about this as well (thankfully, pure speculation in our case). I cannot think of a single situation where I feel that physically beating a child is appropriate or justified. There are many other disciplinary tools available to parents, and really no excusable reason to resort to violence against a child. Many people who favor spanking would disagree with me, but I can't help but see it as a sign of bad parenting.

I agree that there is much debate over this issue.. frankly speaking there isn't a single right or wrong answer to this. It really depends on the situation and of course the parents themselves..

I'm perfectly ok if parents choose not to beat their child, it doesn't mean that they are bad parents, nor does it mean that parents who beat their child are bad parents..

maybe let me clarify what I mean when I say beat their child.. Like I mentioned in my earlier post, hitting a child should only be done as a last resort, after numerous warnings, scolding, reasoning, if the child still persist in doing the wrong things, then pain can be a reminder that the deed he/she is doing is wrong..

also NEVER beat a child in anger. Only beat a child when you have reasoned with the child, so that he/she knows that you're beating him/her because you don't like what he/she did, not because you don't like the child.

Lastly beat a child only at either on the hands or on the butt, we're not there to scar a child, the pain is just a reminder that the things the child did was wrong. And so that the next time the child wants to do that wrong deed again he/she will hopefully remember the pain and stop him/herself from doing it..

That's my point of view which I gotten from the Bible in which I believe in.

He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him. Proverbs 13:24

It's important to remember that in all things we must first love our children.. only then does it "qualify" us to discipline our children..

Like I said it's my opinion, there are numerous ways of bringing up a child.. So long the child is brought up to be upright and pure at heart that's the most important thing.. In fact if a child is brought up correctly, you'd find that you seldom need to resort to physical punishment..

[xaetos 0]

I teach swimming lessons to kids anywhere from 2 - 15ish. You don't really realize it so much when you're just watching, but there are an awful lot of kids there who you can tell get away with anything at home. For one thing, theres a Tim Hortons in the same building as the pool, and almost every single tots (ages 2-4) parent uses that place as some form of motivation for their kid to listen. Thats alright in itself, but the thing is, the kids get their donuts even if they don't do a thing the whole lesson.Then you get the kids who won't do anything the whole lesson besides try to talk to their parent. This is actually a parenting flaw. If your kid is socially developing in a healthy way, they will have no problem being away from you as long as they know you're still there. They don't cry or constantly need to talk to you or refuse to do anything without major coaxing from the parent. Parents never realize these things aren't normal..The thing is, though.. since the parents are paying to put their kid in lessons, you can't exactly advise them on parenting methods.. being eighteen and all. So you have to watch the kid become a complete spoiled brat, for lack of a better term, that you know you would hate to be around when they grow up. Blegh.

[Avalon 1]

I'm probably going to upset a few people that have posted in this topic by asking this. How many of you are actually parents? If you are not parents, then what makes you think you know what being a parent is like and therefore qualified to give advice? So you have read books and done some babysitting, that is not the same as being a parent where you are responsible for the child 24 hours a day. Even if you have a degree in "Parenting", it means nothing until you have been a parent yourself. Only then are you experienced and can you see what theories you have read about actually work for your child.Don't get me wrong, I agree with some of the things you have said, as you can tell from my first post. However, please do not make out like you are an expert unless you have actually been a parent. Tell me this, would you like to be operated on by a surgeon that has read all the books but only performed your particular operation on a cadaver, (dead body) where it doesn't matter if they make a mistake. I doubt you would be very happy about that idea, you would want an experienced surgeon.Every child is different and needs to be brought up differently, what works for one child will not work with all children. Children do not come with instruction manuals, therefore parents will sometimes make mistakes, this does not mean they are bad parents. Usually we learn from our mistakes and move on.I may seem like I am ranting here, but as a parent for over 20 years now, I get annoyed about being told how to be a parent by people who more often than not have never been a parent themselves. I had it happen to me many, many times over the 20 years.

Edited May 3, 2006 by Avalon (see edit history)

[terminal2k 0]

on the topic of hitting children as a form of dicipline, I believe it can be a very useful way to teach a child they have done wrong, when i was a kid being sent to my room or not being able to watch tv didn't really mean that much to me, getting a good spanking tho, now that was something you avoided like the plague, it hurt and made you think carefully about what you'd done and not to do it again. Now that said its not really appropriate to spank a kid for every small thing they have done wrong but it can certainly be useful in some situations.

[xaetos 0]

How many of you are actually parents? If you are not parents, then what makes you think you know what being a parent is like and therefore qualified to give advice?

I don't think I'm qualified to give advice, not on the level that an experienced parent would be. But I have been responsible for 6+ kids for almost an hour for each group for thirteen hours a week for the past year. Although its nothing like being a parent, full time, it does give you a very good idea of what happens in each kids home, in terms of discipline.

 

You have kids who listen all the time, try to understand what you're telling them to do and try to do it. You have the ones that listen just so you won't get mad, and then go do exactly what they did the first time. You have the ones that run off to their parents every chance they get to say nothing more than "hi". You get kids who won't do anything for you because its hard. You get kids who don't talk at all.

 

You can tell how these kids are raised and treated at home because a swimming instructor is just as much an authority figure in a five year olds life as a parent. If they act that way in the water towards a minor authority figure, why would they be acting any different at home? You can also tell because you see how they talk to and look at and act around their parent figure when their lesson is over. At that point in time you can also tell how the parent treats and disciplines them.

 

The thing is, kids know what they can get away with and they know how to get what they want. I saw a kid cry once because he was two feet from the ball he was playing with. As soon as the ball was put back in his hands, he stopped. And you're saying that was genuine crying? Not a chance..

 

There are some exceptions.. or at least some kids whose personality didn't make sense when I saw how the parent disciplined them. But a lot of the time, only one parent takes their kid to swimming lessons, so you have no idea what the other is like. I taught a three year old once who did nothing at all but grind her teeth at me and try to play with toy ducks, and her mother appeared to be pretty strict with her about how much she misbehaved.. all the time. But then one day her dad showed up, and she acted like the sweetest kid ever (once she was out of the water walking towards him) and he walked her off to Tim Hortons to get a cookie or donut or something. And you're telling me thats not encouraging that kid to act the way she does all the time?

 

I'm going to stop now, but my point is.. even though I'm not a parent, and most people here probably aren't parents, there is a chance that we've had enough experience with kids and their parents to know what works and what doesn't. Not saying it'd be easy to enforce those things when raising a child, but we still might know what we're talking about.

[WindAndWater 0]

Avalon, I think we're looking at this topic in different ways. I (and I think most other people) see it as a chance to share our personal views on how to deal with children -- our personal opinions, not our advice for parents on how to do their job better. In such a setting bringing up whether people are "qualified" to make statements is pretty rediculous. No-one here is writing books on how to rear children. We aren't telling you how to raise your children, and I hope you wouldn't presume to tell us how to raise ours (where applicable).

[Avalon 1]

Avalon, I think we're looking at this topic in different ways. I (and I think most other people) see it as a chance to share our personal views on how to deal with children -- our personal opinions, not our advice for parents on how to do their job better. In such a setting bringing up whether people are "qualified" to make statements is pretty rediculous. No-one here is writing books on how to rear children. We aren't telling you how to raise your children, and I hope you wouldn't presume to tell us how to raise ours (where applicable).

I think you should read the posts again, here's some examples...

Although its nothing like being a parent, full time, it does give you a very good idea of what happens in each kids home, in terms of discipline... If they act that way in the water towards a minor authority figure, why would they be acting any different at home?...

How can you possibly know what happens in the kids home? You only see them away from home. Kids can behave very differently when they are out, sometimes the complete opposite to when they are home. The little angel when they are out can be a little horror when at home and the little horror when they are out can be a complete angel at home. Kids are like that. This to me looks like a presumption that the parent is doing the wrong thing.

it's not advisable to hit/spank kids as a form of teaching them a lesson.

Certainly looks like telling the reader what to do to me.

Then you get the kids who won't do anything the whole lesson besides try to talk to their parent. This is actually a parenting flaw. If your kid is socially developing in a healthy way, they will have no problem being away from you as long as they know you're still there. They don't cry or constantly need to talk to you or refuse to do anything without major coaxing from the parent. Parents never realize these things aren't normal..

A parenting flaw? Really? Is this an 'expert' diagnosis?
So these are not telling the reader what they should do? Sure looks like to me.

[xaetos 0]

I'm going to try and avoid turning this into a huge debate over who should be allowed to say when a parent is doing something wrong, so after this, I'll leave it. But I've just got to point out that I'm not some random fifteen year old who has done no research into this stuff, who has no idea what they're talking about. I know I'm not an expert, but I also know that I can tell whats normal for a kid and whats not, at least to a certain degree, and I know that a child who spends more time out of the water with their parent for no particular reason but they need to constantly be next to them is not something thats normal or healthy..As for what goes on in the kids home.. no, I can't really tell. Not in any amount of detail. But even if the kid acts differently at home, chances are the parents method of discipline is pretty constant, or at least all the people I know who have younger siblings and from when I was younger. Maybe I'm just looking at this completely wrong.. it wouldn't be the first time. But its not like I'm never around kids, not like I haven't been teaching them since I was old enough for them to bother listening to me. In that experience I've figured out what makes them listen and what doesn't. That proves something for my side, anyways.

[brandice 0]

I think that I am qualified to give parenting advice. Not only have I been a full time babysitter (I don't just mean "watching a few kids once or twice a month while their folks go to the movies") for years, I've lived with parents and their children. At the moment I am living with a family that pays no attention at all to their poor little 4 year old. I see and hear all of the things that they "do wrong." Maybe they think it's alright to use two different, yet equally inconsistant, parenting styles, to never listen to their kids while they are talking and to reward them with donuts for have fits. They pretty much don't recognize that children are real people. *breath* There are just a few basic things that all children need. Attention, a sense of security and consistency, and encouragement. These things are more important than anything that Santa can bring. These are the things that will turn your little people into decent grown-ups. I know that I can't interfere. I have to let them do what they think is right. And this will produce grown-ups that are just like them, I suppose.