JasperIk 0 Report post Posted January 8, 2006 Biting my lip, trying not to cryTears Run down my cheek I try to hide But I cant pretend any longer thatdeep down in sideIm weak and Bitter, I cant Hold back this Frown, I try To erase it To ignore it but It just lingers I Wipe my cheekHold my face All the while Still biting myLip ,Waiting For this pain toSurpass, but as it drifts away, I know Its my fault, like alwaysAnd I know that anotherIs gone- wasted awayBecause of me, and again I lose another oneSo I pity myself, as always?because thats just meI know my poem format isnt the greatest, i just kind of have no stationary way to write a poem. But the words are what is important in my opinion... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
OpaQue 15 Report post Posted January 8, 2006 What is the title of your poem? Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mama_soap 0 Report post Posted January 8, 2006 I know my poem format isnt the greatest, i just kind of have no stationary way to write a poem. But the words are what is important in my opinion... 219251[/snapback] Fair enough Well, I'd still suggest you clear up the grammar and punctuation a little, and you'll be on the right track. I like the biting-my-lip image, but everything else seems a little overly angsty. That's perfectly all right if this is a personal poem, but if you're looking to get published you might have to dilute the self-pity emotion a little bit. My two cents, for whatever it's worth. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JasperIk 0 Report post Posted January 9, 2006 My Poem doesnt have a title... I accept and respect your critisism, but there really is no way to write a poem. Sure theres the text book way on how to write a poem, but before it was a "set" way there was no right way to write a poem. I rather write what i feel, and not what others tell me to write. Pain It sweeps over me It runs through my veins It ruins me It tries to end me Pain It moves across me It grabs me It stings me It doesn?t let go Pain You?re the cause of it You?re the reason I cry You?re the reason I want to die You?re the reason I bleed Pain No one to blame I cant blame them I cant blame you I cant blame myself Pain Who causes it? Who brought it? Who will fight it? Will it over power me? Pain I won't let it It won't end me I can only end myself F--- pain I try to get out of the self pity poems...but i always end up going down that path. My writing is depressing, its something im trying really hard to work on. But i write what i like to read... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bigfatme2000 0 Report post Posted January 10, 2006 Great poems there - well done! I wish i had talent - well i can sing in the shower (but we won't go there )Anyway, back on topic lol, good work - do we have permission to use that poems on the loves in our lives? I personally think they all are very good - and imaginative. You obviously have deep personalities! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mama_soap 0 Report post Posted January 11, 2006 I accept and respect your critisism, but there really is no way to write a poem. Sure theres the text book way on how to write a poem, but before it was a "set" way there was no right way to write a poem. I rather write what i feel, and not what others tell me to write. I'd never, never disagree with that I always write what I feel as well. There's no point doing it any other way - imo - except, perhaps, if writing is you primary source of income I try to get out of the self pity poems...but i always end up going down that path. My writing is depressing, its something im trying really hard to work on. But i write what i like to read... 219606[/snapback] I'd suggest don't try to get out of something that comes naturally to you. Self-pity poems ain't bad at all, it's just that when you try to get them published, there's just too much competition At least, that's my experience. Too many sad souls on the planet who also like to write poems. Nothing wrong with it at all. The only writing I really dislike is the writing which looks like the writer wasn't having fun / wasn't writing his heart out while writing it. Also, I won't deny that I can't bring myself to like excessively amateurish writing (I got a gift, it was very heavy to lift, yada yada... no, really, some one actually had a poem the began with those lines on poetry.com). By the way, writing what you like to read is generally a good idea. I'd say keep at it! My two cents, thanks for reading. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
