Ghost Story Written for some coursework

[JohnBoy 0]

I hope you dont get too Spookified Not brill... but im proud of it...It was a cold, dark, winters night. The thick fog that draped over the dead winter trees made the scene around the old warehouse look even more eerie. Nobody ever went into the warehouse. And nobody EVER came out. Not even the plants that surrounded the walls were alive. Suddenly, a loud scream emitted from the warehouse, piercing the cold, quiet darkness. The sounds of running could be heard, followed by a loud thud. After this, all was quiet. Maximillian Masters didn?t believe in ghosts. He said they were ?a load of bogwash.? Even his friends talking him into believing in them were not enough to make him change his mind. But there was this one person. He wasn?t exactly a friend, just someone he knew of. He was the old caretaker of the old warehouse, just on the cliffs at the spooky Wreckers Bay. He had gone mad working there. He claims to have seen spirits slaughter the packing staff that used to work there. Now, if anyone went in, they wouldn?t come out?ALIVE!?A load of crap!? said Maximillian to his friends. ?I don?t know how you lot can believe in such rubbish! You should be spending your time worshipping me, your one true overlord!??Humph? snorted the boy with one eye. No one actually knew his name, not even the teachers.?Whaddya mean ?Humph??? snapped Maximillian. ?Why do you think you are all my friends?? They all thought about this. Not many people at Jumshed Middle School were very bright.?Err, dunno wotcha on aboot!? said McThick.?You know exactly what I mean! I gave you all money to be my friends, as my father is filthy rich! So you should all bow down to me!??Oh yea,? they all said at once, and started grovelling before Maximillian.?Clever me!? whispered Maximillian. ?Clever me indeed!?The next day, Maximillian woke up, just as the post arrived. He belted downstairs to see if he had what he was expecting. He saw the mail, ran to it and rummaged through it. ?We don?t half get a lot of mail? he muttered to himself. He rummaged more, until he had found what he had subscribed to months ago. ?Aha!? he had found it, a gold-plated envelope, with the initials ?S.O.R.K? or ?Society of Rich Kids? engraved onto it. He ripped open the letter and found the letter, together with the details of what he thought was going to be a great competition. He read it out loud:?Dear Rich Boy or Girl.Thanks for joining ?S.O.R.K! We have an excellent selection of competitions, news and rewards for you to read?News??Pfft, don?t want to read that tosh.? He scanned down the page until he found what he was looking for:?CompetitionThis month?s competition is going to prove very spooky, if not scary, to whoever we have selected to take part in it.This month we are challenging you to go ? alone! ? to the old, abandoned warehouse at Wreckers Bay, armed with a camera to prove you have been there. Once inside, you are to take photos of the old packaging machinery, which will then be sold by S.O.R.K. I you complete the quest, you will be rewarded?wait for it?an extension to your S.O.R.K membership AND ?100 in cash! So, lets see who will be doing this months quest:???Maximillian Masters!?Maximillian couldn?t believe it! He threw his letter across the room in excitement and ran to his mother and father who were enjoying a peaceful breakfast in the great hall.?Mother, Father, I have been selected to do the S.O.R.K quest!?Oh, really?? muttered his father. ?What do you win???Well,? Maximillian announced. ?An extension in my membership to S.O.R.K AND ?100 in cash!? He leapt about, ran upstairs, wet himself, got changed, ran back downstairs, went on the computer and waited until it got dark?Darkness dropped over the sky. It was night. It was cold. Maximillian didn?t care about any of this. After all, he didn?t believe in ghosts. He got the limo driver to take him to the warehouse, where he would do the quest. His father had bought him a camera to take pictures of the warehouse and its packing machinery. The limo stopped. They had arrived. Cautiously (he was starting to get kind of spooked when he arrived) he got out of the limo and walked up the drive leading to the visitors entrance. He stopped. He thought he heard a faint scream emit from the warehouse. ?Probably just the wind.? He muttered to himself. He got to the door, opened it and saw the biggest shock of his life. There, on the floor right in front of him was a blood-stained meat clever. He took a photo of this. It didn?t really scare him, or did it? He walked round it, called 999, asked for the Police, and moved on. He shouldn?t have done this. A bucket of rusty knifes appeared out of thin air, and were thrown at him, all of which narrowly missed him. He pelted away from the knives, but got tripped up by what he thought was a foot. There, right in front of him was an old, bent over man, brandishing another blood-stained meat clever. He spoke to Maximillian, in a painful, wheezing sort of way. ?Leeeeaaavve thiiiis plaaaaaaace!??I am not seeing you! I cannot see you!? Maximillian whispered to himself. He closed his eyes, counted to ten, and opened them again. The old man was still there. ?A-are you a ghost?? he whispered to the old man. ?I prefeer the saying ?Killing dead?, as kiiiilling is myyyy favourite thinnng in the wooorld! You shouldn?t haaaavvee phoned the pooolllice! I will now take reeevenge on your aaactions!? As he said this, he picked up Maximillian, tied him up, and dumped him in an old vat.At this point, I think we should leave the warehouse, because what happened next was not a pleasant thing to see, or to talk about. All I can tell you is there was a loud, high pitched scream of terror and pain. So loud that it woke up all the dead spirits in the graveyard next to the warehouse. They flocked into the warehouse to feast on the soul of what had belonged to a young, innocent boy of 13 who didn?t believe in ghosts.If you have any suggestions to improve it or just general feedback please post below!

[iGuest 3]

Your Story

Ghost Story

 

Improvements

 

1. I think that the story did not have a very good ending, as it confused me.

2. I would like to know who was telling the story, the ending made it seems as if you was the one telling the story since it changed from the 3rd person to the 1st first.

3. You should keep the story in the past or present tents.

4. Before you start as story decide if your telling the story in the first person or third person.

 

Good Things

 

1. I liked the beginning of the story.

2. The storyline was different from other scary stories.

3. I Like your use of description.

4. I like your use of language.

 

That all I would like to say, thank you for taking your time to read my comments. If you write more stories I would like it if you send me them and I would like to give feedbacks.

 

-feedback by Tee Tee