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The Tolkien Sarcasm Page The Lord of the ...whatever

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First of all I should mention that since I am new I don't know which section would be best for this Thread. If it's in the wrong section please move it into the right one, I'm sure I'll learn soon.


This is probably one of the best things that I discovered on the net.The Lord of ...Whatever


If you do not wish to read it here are some parts from the the first few chapter which I found to be funny.


This is the speech by Bilbo at his Farewell party:

" My dear Bagginses and Bracegirdles, Boffins and Borfledebees,

Casmits and Cantankerums, Fassbinders and Fazoolas, Wombats and

Wafflefoots. "WaffleFEET!" cried out an irate old man at the back, in

fact the very man who had earned the name when Bilbo's nephew Frodo had

accidentally dropped a hot waffle-iron on his feet some years ago. He had

borne the Bagginses no ill-will, since the settlement was quite generous.

Wafflefoots, continued Bilbo, oblivious. This is my nine hundreth

birthday! And though one million years is too short a time to have spent

with you all...

There was some muffled conversation throughout the hall, which Bilbo

took notice of. Well, on bad days it seems like a million years, he

explained. Anyway, though ten billion years is long enough to endure

from all of you, this is IT... I am GOING... I am leaving NOW...

GoodBYE! And with that Bilbo leaped up, tore all his clothes off,

scattering them about the astonished guests' heads, and ran from the

great Hut screaming and flailing his arms.

Young Frodo looked on in bemusement, refusing to answer questions

from the astonished crowd. Everyone knew, of course, that Bilbo was a big

man in the community. But - and Frodo looked at the crowd, particularly

noting the astonishment on old Lobelia's face - until now, nobody knew just

how big."




This is where Gandalf tells Bilbo to leave the ring for Frodo.


"Including the Ring?" Gandalf asked.

"Well, yes, I suppose so," Bilbo replied. He pulled the Ring out

from under his cloak, where it hung on a fine golden chain Bilbo had

stolen of old from the Brandybucks. "Still, though, I kind of hate to get

rid of it."

"This seemed to me to be the only thing worthwhile about your whole

stupid plan," Gandalf said uncharacteristically. "Put it on the mantel

and walk away from it. It has got far too much hold on you. Let it go!"

"It's mine! And I shall keep it, I say!"

Gandalf raised himself up to his full height. Bilbo's hand reached

quietly for the hilt of his sword. "It will be my turn to get angry

soon," the wizard intoned. "Listen to me: you must give Frodo the Ring!"

Bilbo suddenly laughed. "Oh, that?" he grinned. "Well, of course

I'm giving him the Ring! I thought you meant the chain."



Here Gandalf tells Frodo about destroying the ring:


"Take it to Mordor and drop it in the Cracks of Doom," said Gandalf. "If

you don't, Sauron will come and take it. And you don't want him to do that;

he gets pissed off at people who have touched his precious ring." He lit a

cigar. "But if you put an end to the ring, you off Sauron too. The little

dimwit infused so much of himself in the ring that his destruction with it

is certain."

"But I remember how you once told me that Sauron thought the ring had been


"I did. He thought it had been thrown into the Cracks of Doom, as should

have happened. Now, however, he knows that it isn't so."

"But how can he have thought any such thing? If the ring had been

destroyed he wouldn't have been around; so he should have realized that the

ring had not been destroyed."

"As I told you, he is a dimwit. He really is incredibly stupid."




When Frodo is leaving Bag End:


"Sam!" he called. "Sam! Time!"

"Coming, sir!" came the answer from far within, followed soon by Sam

himself, wiping his mouth. "I was just saying farewell to Rosi--um,

the beer-barrel in the cellar."




During Frodo's talk with Gildor:


"Can you give me any advice?"

"No. Yes." said Gildor."



And since this post is long enough already I'll finish here with Frodo's bathtime song


Rubber Ducky, you're the one,

You make bathtime lots of fun,

Rubber Ducky, I'm awfully fond of you;


(woh woh, bee doh!)


Rubber Ducky, joy of joys,

When I squeeze you, you make noise!

Rubber Ducky, you're my very best friend, it's true!


(doo doo doo doooo, doo doo)


Rubber Ducky, you're so fine

And I'm lucky that you're mine

Rubber ducky, I'm awfully fond of -

Rubber ducky, I'd like a whole pond of -

Rubber ducky I'm awfully fond of you!

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Haven't read too much Tolkien myself, but I might check this out, looks interesting :D I think you got the section spot on, as long as you're not looking for credits :D

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