You Are A Bad Cook If... - The last time you tried to make toast the kitchen caught on fire - Your apple pie bubbled over and ate the enamel off the bottom of the oven. - You make tuna noodle broccoli surprise for your family and the surprise is that it glows in the dark! - Your homemade bread can be used as a door stop. - The leftover crumbs make a great replacement for kitty litter. - Those annoying pest control companies keep pestering you, wanting to buy and patent your recipe for candy Christmas cookies. - You forget and leave a gallon of your homemade ice cream on the porch overnight during a record busting heat- and the next afternoon, not only is it still solid, but it tastes better. - You hate rice, but you keep finding it floating around in your beef stew. - Your kids know what exactly peas porridge in a crockpot nine days old tastes like. - The EPA requires that all your garbage cans be marked with large bright red 'biohazard' symbols. - You use the smoke alarm as a cooking timer. - You consider it a culinary success if the pop-tart stays in one piece. - Your dog goes to the neighbors' to eat. - Your family buys Alka Seltzer and Kaopectate in bulk. - When you barbecue, two of your kids hold water guns and the third stands ready by the phone with 911 on speed-dial. - Your family automatically heads for the dinner table every time they hear a fire truck siren. - Your microwave display reads "TILT!" - Your two best recipes are meatloaf and apple pie, but your dinner guests can't tell which is which. - You've used three boxes of scouring pads and a bottle of Drano and a crowbar, and that macaroni and cheese still won't let go of the pan. - You make tuna noodle surprise and the surprise is that it glows in the dark and melts the silverware. - Your family prays AFTER they eat!
