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Not Sure What Think No More mix up signals between boyfriend and myself

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unwanted_flower

:) Hi everyone I am new here so be Gentle with me in me posting here ,as everything is new to me and I learn as I go through the pain of making mistakes ,and let me tell you ,I learn very Quickly as do not like ,being pushed around ,it hurts my feelings .I have a boyfriend ,more than boyfriend though ,we been together for many years now .although it seems ,our lives have taken on different turn in page of the entire book here .I am curious in what should I do ,listen to my Heart and stay with him or listen to my insight and realize ,people grow apart in life styles .He has made many mistakes and wrong turns in life since we been together to the points my entire family ,dislike him now .at first I never saw this in him ,over time i realized that he will not grow up in life ,his dreams are limited and actually quiet stale to my taste of adventure ,he is older than he behaves and lives a life ,as when he was a teenager ,even his taste of friends are younger groups that keeps him astray from the truth of building a relationship with me as we once dream of doing in our lives shared together .i understand that ,there are some very wise young people out there ,very well educated and maybe can guide and teach and also learn few things in return ,also keeps a jest for life ,staying alive in own self ,being shared part of their lives into your own life .do i sound selfish when i want him to share his own life with me as we once did before .what advice can possible come out of those younger than he is ,what experiences do they have except just to live and learn as age grows with them .i cry at night ,lonely missing him ,we used share our nights together and now i hardly see him any more .yes he called me and i selfishly ignored his call as i was deeply hurt by his behavior of ignoring me .i have feelings that count too ,why can not he understand this in himself too ?we shared many dreams and hopes together through out our lives being together ,motivation that kept us both going in right direction ,due to fact that my parents dislike him now has placed a strain on our relationship .we dreamed of creating a business together ,sharing our expertise and creative motivation ,seeing the potential in both of us despite what anyone told us ,we believed in each other .many mistakes been made in our lives that only left a lingering hurt in each of us that selfishly we can not seem work through things .i want too although do not believe he holds same dreams as we once did before .when we are together it is strained and uncomfortable between each of us not relaxing .its like he stopped believing in me ,our dreams the excitement is gone in his eyes although maybe i am reading to much of my own insecurities in to all this and nothing of sorts is true in how i am seeing it between him and me .i am scared to believe any more .his own parents do not like me either .is there hope when our own parents and families do not like each other ?i there hope for us any more ?am i just being over whelmed and insecured .i do not want cry and be lonely no more .i need advice .i do not want feel this so insecure any more ? what can i do ? :D

knoppixusr

Welcome to Xisto unwanted_flower, I trust you will feel wanted here ;-)

When two people witness something they rarely reach the exact same conclusion. In your post you very often only give your perspective of an event / situation without any example as to why you have reached your conclusion. For example you say your boyfriend's dreams are limited and stale to your taste of adventure, It would be very helpful to me if you could give us the reason Why you think his dreams are stale ?

What mistakes and wrong turns did he and you make during your relationship?

Why does your family dislike him?

Why do you think his family dislikes you?

How old is your boyfriend ?

How long have you two been in a dating relationship?

i have feelings that count too ,why can not he understand this in himself too ?

Have you spoken to him about your feelings ? As much as you would like us men too, we can't read you mind, communication is vitally important for any relationship to succeeded.
Although dreams are important, they are not the most important factor in a relationship, If you built your entire relationship on the success of your dream and the first time your dream fails your relationship will also fail. What is really important is that you two can spend allot of time together and enjoy each others company. Both of you must also have the same goals in life , because if your paths split then you two will grow apart and get hurt.

unwanted_flower

we started out with wonderful dreams ,sharing our dreams together .As i started off towards collage and he started off ,starting his own home business ,it seems some where ,the distance grew between each other .I would come home holidays and weekends ,spend our time together ,although after awhile it seemed the excitement in his eyes was gone ,when I would come home .He asked later on that he needed space in his life to figure out what he wanted for his life and some how it seemed ,our life shared ,seemed disappear .Then in agreeing that space would become a reality ,I noticed how he was seen online ,as single and not in relationship as once before ,as this space allowed him to be set free of any given committing ,we shared together ,as if wanted be single ,why did he not just come out and say so ,and not let me find out and become hurt by everything .it was selfish on his part ,to hurt me ,like he did .We have shared our lives ,for long time ,as children .we separated and went our ways ,at one time ,then some how ,found each other again ,and one evening ,sitting outside ,watching the stars ,he proposed to me and I where his engagement ring proudly upon my finger .the difference in our up bringing ,is what makes our own parents dislike each other .i was brought up in this world ,nothing cam free ,you had to work hard to climb that mountain in life ,to get where you want to be ,it may be hard ,and struggle ,where you want to let go and walk away ,at same time will never find that complete happiness in doing it yourself and completely all you started till the end .The man i love ,he is a dreamer and never really had to struggle in life as things in certain way became easy for him and when times was rough ,it seemed to be giving a chance to improve it in his life without a struggle ,to ever place any hard work in success ,that he did it himself .when compared though ,he becomes mean and defensive and start slandering out words that just plain hurt towards me and my own family ,out looks in life ,that nothing comes easy .i want him be proud of me too ,although i struggle thinking in myself ,can he ever be proud of me ?i know we love each other ,although when families do not approve of the other ,it makes it limiting in our lives as ,we want our families to accept and approve of one we choose spend rest our lives with ,at least accept them .not always the case though .now our relationship has become stale .i go my way and he goes his way ,and doing things that he used to do when he was a teenager and spending time with younger groups that ,brings back old times across the net and he is stepping backwards instead forwards and leaving me hanging here in wondering where do our relationship stand .He spends his whole life surround around the internet and searching for i do not understand .he never seems happy with ,what i know he loves and committed himself too .although i ask did i fool my own self in believing all that ?


anwiii

i think i have a good hold on your situation so i am not going to re-read it....and i will try to ignore the angel faces. we wouldn't want a subjective response thinking you are an angel and your boyfriend isn't, would we? you're 22(at least that's what your profile says) and i am going to assume your boyfriend is the same age. so you have been with eachother for years you say? well...not that many years if you're only 22....so let me assume about 4 years which would be about at the end of high school.first, parents want the best for their children so they are going to be biased. when any conflict occurs and when conflicts keep occuring, parents will still just want the best for their children. they are going to judge what THEY think the best for their children is. you can't get away from that fact. EVER. what they know however, may not be what you two know about eachother.you need to leave the parents out of your relationship. they can cause doubts and damage. this means, don't go crying to mommy or other family members when there are problems in your relationship. if you do, then you shouldn't blame them if they hear bad crap about how he is treating you.are you selfish because you just want him to love you and treat you like the special person you are or think you are? YUP! that is selfish because when you have those thoughts, they can sometimes be controlling....even if you don't realize it. if you love him, you're thoughts should always be about wanting the best for HIM.have you lied to him? have you done things to where he trusts you less? the fact that you said you shared dreams together. not just dreams, but realistic adventures that could be shared by both of you says alot. it tells me you two had a lot in common. more than most. so my question is....where did it go wrong? that seems to be your question too. follow your heart or let him go thinking you grew apart.you should ask yourself some questions. is it just the heart that connects you or do you think you are soulmates? does he make you want to be a better person? why is he so distant? how did he get hurt by you and is there anything you can change about your self to become more true to him?seems to me that there is a lot more to this than meets the eye and i am really afraid to give any advice here because i feel something strong that he really loves you and you love him...but love is not the only factor in making a relationship work.what i would HIGHLY suggest though is leave family out of the relationship. i wouldn't allow the chance for them to think badly on the other person. doesn't it hurt you both knowking that his family possibly doesn't like you or that your doesn't like him? it HURTS, doesn't it? so why do you both allow it to hurt? we do you both make the choice to confide in family when maybe you two were capable of woking things out without the negative distractions? sure, everyone needs to confide in people when they get hurt, but you need to choose those people wisely. his family would like you if you didn't hurt him. your family would like him if he didn't hurt you. this is what i am going to assume and not some racial or other dumb issue."unheard flower"- i guess there is some deep meaning to that name, huh? did you have problems before you entered in to this relationship? some people would call that baggage. i don't but it's not very easy to be with someone who feels they are "unheard" or someone thinks they are misunderstood or deserves more. these dreams. were they yours or his? where did they originate from? sometimes people fall in love with the idea of love and the ideal relationship and when the idea fails, the relationship fails which could create a lot of distance. sometimes when the idea fails, you have to work that much harder to make the relationship work if there really is a true connection.now, i know you asked for people to be gentle, but i cannot help you without being blunt. i know i may recieve negative critisisms from others in what i am about to say, but you have to hear it from someone. especially somoene that sees right through you right now. by that, i mean that wall you put up(only you know what i am talking about right now). you are selfish, controlling, and you have been hurt in the past and you allowed some of that hurt and how it controlled you to sabotage the relationship. you think long and hard in what i just said because you have a lot of years a ahead of you to make a choice wether things like that are going to dictate your life from now on.with that said, you seem to be held back in life somehow. you hold an adventurous spirit. one in which your boyfriend doesn't hold....or so you say. maybe he's hiding behind a wall too....or just a shell covering himself up, afraid of what life may hold. well, it seems to me you would be good for this type of person but to say he needs to grow up is selfish words. if you stay in this relationship, maybe you need to bring him out of his shell without being so controlling and also respect the things he likes to do. my thinking is, he shared in all your dreams and visions and i seriously doubt you paid as much attention to what HE LIKES or maybe even his own personal dreams....even those that he never mentioned or doesn't even know about yet since he is still young like you are.but maybe the hurt has just gotten too much for the both of you. maybe you two need a break from eachother without the hurt or expectations and the negative distractions and the b.s. that played a big role in this relationship. you have so much in common yet you two fail to compliment the differences. sometimes, with a little thought and creativity you can make the differences in both of you compliment eachother. where one is weak, the other is strong. maybe a break is in order to rebuild a friendship and regain the knowledge of love you once had for eachotherwhat i mean by taking a break is by not seeing or talking to eachother. it's to illiminate all expectations and demands you have for eachother and your families have for eachother. to start each conversation telling the other that you love them and why. to express to eachother what is happening in your lives daily when the other person isn't around to see it. to start answering calls. not ignoring them. to make a deal that you BOTH will call eachother. not just one person calling the other. maybe commit 1/2 on the phone with eachother before you go to bed. to be honest with eachother and to respect eachothers opinions even if you disagree and not try to change who the other person is with those nasty expectations for eachother. in your own times, try to see what created the negativity and see if YOU can change for the better as that is all you can do or expect of your own self. you can never change the other or force expectations on the other.those angels faces are misleading for sure. ohhhh you may be half angel....but the other half may be half devil. a rose with thorns. someone who is not easy to understand or be with but someone who deserves love like everyone else and it's up to you to share who you are so they DO understand you and where you don't feel "unheard".next time he calls, you have two things to think about. you can be hurt and not answer the phone, or you can be hurt and answer the phone and hear his voice. he still loves you. he's just as confused as you are and probably just as stubborn as you too...


unwanted_flower

i can admit in nature we both are very stubborn ,that is for sure ,that is what attracted each other in first place .as knowing each other all these years ,we knew each other through school and lost touch with each other and found each other ,that lead us to a relationship now .as far as being blunt ,i can handle blunt talk and not that silly beating around that mulberry bush that leaves my head spinning in great confusion ,as he seems to do many times in our relationship .sometimes it is not always men that do not get women ,it is women that beat their own self up not understanding the men we fall in love with too. I know i telephone him many times and he on purpose did not answer my calls for some stupid reason or not of his own choices ,i also returned that same favor his way ,when he called me ,although difference between him and me ,i know for fact ,is it was me that cried myself to sleep and he probably as assuming here ,just found something else occupied his time without me ,like with searching someone else to replace me .instead me coming down all those miles to visit me maybe he can visit me sometimes although he says he can not ,as to much gas ,what a excuse i feel .as hurting each other ,yes he lied to me many times although did that matter no ,as he stated it was me that lied to him .my father knows better and knows how much he hurt me and yes ,it is wrong to get families invovled ,although when a fathers little girl is in hospital and the one that little girl loves could not answer his phone or care to come to hospital ,yes that made the family upset over his actions as i knew it was his own selfish an hurts as he told me he was jealous of me and things in my life that ,was turning out happy and adventure and he was doing nothing with his life ,that is unfair to me as i do what i do ,to be happy and find peace and would share my whole being with this man .although it hurts me deeply to know he searches for another to replace me all the time .as far as lying to each other ,does it not count when both tell lies or do things wrong out frustrations ,d not it all have a reason or understanding to events that take place .why can't things be worked through together without families .is that not love worth it all .why do we have to have a strong need in being right love the one we love ?is not love something you protect and share each other and never put the other down as trying be right above the other .yes we compliment each other and make each other a better person although people that are not understanding him or me ,give advice ,leaving us astray when in our hearts we know better .i do not want cry alone at night any more wondering .i love this man and sometimes stubbornness needs not be so important issue ,should it ?especially when it is destructive in relationship .now way it stands .he won't call.i won't call .maybe i can't call .how will he know this though ?i want this relationship to work out these problems .why can they not ?does it mean i need lower my self and give in when i got hurt too? :) angel faces does not mean anything ,i am no angl i am a woman trying to save a love in her soul .


anwiii

you are fighting a no winning battle. he said he wants his space. he says he's searching for other people.no. you aren't an angel. you don't sound like one. you sound selfish and confused yet innocent and lovable. you confuse even me and i am a pretty good judge of character on and off the net.you aren't being 100% truthfull in this forum or what you write about yourself or your boyfriend. you say one thing, then say another with almost complete opposite meanings to the same points you are trying to make.now i mentioned you are controlling.....and you are trying to control this conversation you started with deception and not very clear in the facts you state and i am sure you are hiding a lot more to this topic. i just haven't figured out what, yetyou are always mentioning that this relationship isn't working because of him. has nothing you did caused this relationship to fail? you say you want bluntness, but you don't because you feel if people really knew you, you would be hurt more. you want to hide the bad parts of your own self and make this topic one sided. i am not your enemy....so don't tell people you want advice and hide the truth


unwanted_flower

anwiii? i do not understand you ,its as a personal attack when i spoke the truth although is it your truth that you are more concerned with here when it comes to me .it's as you ,yourself hold ,trouble in love department and feel all women are something of trouble makers and not for one time ,that it could ever be a fault of a man ,that is why i call you a dummy .i did not state he told me he was searching ,i noticed his cheating *bottom* ,searching without being truthful to me in ending our relationship .i am blunt to the core of that apple and speak the truth in how i feel it and see it to be although it may not be a truth in what is happening ,it is a truth n how i am feeling though and that is most important truth anyone can ever share is how something is making you feel ,weather happy or down right hurt inside self .i love this man and he to is a dummy and not being straight with me ,i know we can work through anything ,i know i made mistakes not piling crap wagon all upon his head ,where he is not being understood is being straight in what he wants from our relationship .he wants freedom i will give it too him without any worries .he wants my heart he always had that .he wans work through things then it takes two to work through things not just me crawling to kiss his butt .as i do not expect nor want that from him for me .do not take my feelings wrong or my hurts its as you search for lies and wrongs and untruths instead actually hearing a woman own heart and feelings there for i see you a selfish man that is only cruel and demeaning of women .come on anwiii you do not have to be so darn mean and critical in how you explain things to anyone .that only makes you fearful and i have to say this ,you have a woman in your life that loves you ,maybe some where inside her she lied to you from pure fear of your reaction to her wrongs or flaws .although at same time ,probably accepts you completely that t me is verbal controlling relationship between a man and woman .one i do not have even with my man .


anwiii

it takes two. posting only about what HE is doing wrong is being blind to the fact that maybe you have your own faults to. i stated i believe you both love eachother. i know you love him.i don't see you as a bad person. i don't see HIM as a bad person. i only see the mistakes people can make that doesn't make them bad people and where others may judge different.i offered some good advice. sometimes you have to go backwards to go forwards.....especially if there are mistakes that are still haunting the relationship. i suggest you take my advice. it's all good. well....maybe it's bad for you and you shouldn't take it. that will be your own choice. let's see where it will get you....your choices i mean.....


unwanted_flower

when it comes from love ! what does mistakes matter at all .when in truth everything should be able to be worked out ,when two people are not being stubborn or filled with pride .stubbornness only allows ,love to fade and slip away .how shame that could be .you seem to be beating me up here in me wanting advice on these mistakes .why anwiii are you beating me up over my own heart ?communication is important key to working any thing out in relationship although stubbornness keeps peopl from talking too .