I just needed a decent place to post this... And I didn't think it'd fit into any of the other forums here... Unfortunately, cause it probably woulda done nicely for my hosting credits <.< It's on my website too... but since I'm still in the very early stages of coding, I doubt I have any visitors o.o
Freedom. People seem to think that this is something to go after. They seem to think that this thing called 'freedom' is better than other ways of life. Ways of life that don't have you quite as liberated to act or think as we please. At least, that's what they seem to believe. They spoke about about being bound, about being scared, frightenned. They spoke about not being able to think or act as they pleased. And then I became as liberated as they wanted to be. There was a difference, though. The difference was that they wanted this so-called freedom. They wanted this lack of bondage. However, it had become unwated and undesired to me.
Stability had never been this hard to come by before these things. Nothing has remained constant since I'd been released. Nothing has remained in a point or place in time barely long enough to register. Things change before they so much as get the chance to set themselves into a place in my mind.
Maybe... I have a theory. I had everything set into place for enough time, even though that time was extremely short-lived for what it had been intended to be. I had things set into place for a time until I became unstable without the 'prison' I had been bound in. Without the 'prison', any form of stability or constants were gone. Maybe even my mental state has recoiled into a state of shock and compelte denial of all reality. Maybe that's the cause of this... lack of all forms stability.
At first, I wished to be back into the bond, backk into the 'prison'. At first, I wished that this freedom and liberation would be short-lived. I still do, I still want to return to that place I sentenced myself to... Somewhat. There are so many opportunities now. So many chances for me to change things. It's not like I'm hindered in any way. I'm more free now than I've ever been before in my life. More free than I ever though I could be... more free than I ever really wanted to be.. I never wanted this kind of freedom, never wanted this kind of lack of responsibility. I never wanted to feel like this, to feel all the instability that came along with a freedom of this magnitude.
But what if I do end up bound again? What good could come? The 'prison' lied to me once before. The 'prison' had told me it was real. Told me that I wouldn't be freed. But now I'm free. I did not escape, I did not run. Nor did I sit alone at night and wish to be free like this. I remained exactly where I wanted to be. But what if I do go back? What's to say it wouldn't lie and push me out again? What's to say that, no matter what happens, no matter how much stability I may find a way to achieve in this godforsaken void of freedom, that I'll only ever end up exactly as I am now. Trapped in freedom, exactly where I don't want to be. Trapped in a place that being trapped is contradictory to it's purpose... but what purpose does this freedom serve? I want to try and escape this, but anytime I do, my 'bond' would be even more short-lived than it was before. Even if things become exactly as they were before. Even if I'm sent back to the exact same place and time as I treasured so much... It won't last... It couldn't last... It's too late to last.
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