sparkliestars11 0 Report post Posted March 25, 2005 as you all will probably figure out because they are not the best...i wrote these. take in mind i kno they are not good. but they are how i feel You make me happie You don't realize it, but u do U just being around me makes me smile 1 hug from you brightens my day you make me happie like no 1 else can You don't even kno the joy u bring to my life All the frowns u turn to smiles You're always on my mind You make me happie And u don't even kno it. . . Don't worry about the little things. . Don't worry about what people will say. . . Have fun. . Live your life to the fullest. . . Everyday. . Don't waste any days. . Have fun. . . Have no regrets. . . If you feel like crying, then cry! Just be sure you have a shoulder to cry on. . Don't think, "Oh, I'll do it tomorrow" what if there is no tomorrow?. . . Don?t ever think you don?t have a chance. . If you love someone, then tell them, don't wait. . Always smile and always be happy, people will remember you for that. . . Never lose hope. . . . . . . and never give up on love Because without it. . .we have nothing Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Shinjiru 0 Report post Posted March 28, 2005 Maybe I'm just getting too deep with all this, but your poem is actually far more unique than you think it is."Happie"- You intentionally wrote the word this way, instead of the actual spelling which is "happy". Like you said, this is a poem of how you feel, so you demonstrate that by how you feel "happie" should be spelled."You" and "U"- Your transitions between using the words "you" and "u" show a contrast of how much you want to stress those words. "You" sounds more personal, more direct, and since it's longer in spelling, it almost even sounds like it has to be elongated when spoken. On the other hand, "U" is simpler and gives a sense of friendliness, kind of like how you decide to spell "happy" to "happie"."1" instead of "One"- The usage of the numeral character 1 seems to be more powerful in the context of your poem, strangely enough. Most people would expect to see "one" on there, but by using "1" you're telling people (literally) only one."..."- Expresses a constant flow of thoughts in your head that you have decided to omit, for various reasons which I obviously don't know. And even if that wasn't your intention, the ellipses help give a sense of a calm and subtle pause, instead of something powerful like a comma or a period. Your poem is okay overall, and since you did admit that it is just how you're feeling then I can't really say anything else much about it. Unfortunately, not to be mean or anything, the content of your poem doesn't have that much originality to it since there's a number of other poems like this already. But that's fine. Better to express your thoughts than repress them. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Da Real King 0 Report post Posted March 28, 2005 Ooooo! "Awwwwwwwwww" Man that is the best and good poem i heard from you! Man you is cool! Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
choetry 0 Report post Posted April 2, 2005 In contrast to what Shinjiru said, I would say this poem is rather too casual and you should spell the words out properly instead of using '1', 'u', 'kno' or 'happie'... I know I might get flamed but i think poetry is more than that, your poem sounds more like a lyric or those things that people say in forwarded mails. You'll get what I mean when you read more poems. Nevertheless, it's still a good piece with rooms of improvement if you are new to poetry. I especially like the phrase 'What if there is no tomorrow'... Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ilimanation 0 Report post Posted April 6, 2005 Dude, this is the best poem i have heard from you yet, alot of creativity in this poem, i would gvie a perfect 10 straight across the board, you keep it up and you will surely make alot of money, as a matter of fact you should go on Def Jam Poetry, you are that good keep up the GOOD work Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
