I'm Crazy About This One Girl... Am I doing the right thing?

[sonesay 7]

OK first off this is serious and I would like only feedback that is constructive and non judgmental as possible.

About three months ago I was at a park and meet an old friend, She used to date my friend back in high school days but they broke up when he went overseas. So I never saw her for a few years. We never really talked just said hi because her boyfriend was the jealous type and I would never even think of her in such a way because of respect for my friend. At first in the park I didn't recognize her so I just said "Hi whats your name?" and she turns around and says "You know me its V***** so and so's ex". From then we started talking and catching up, I didn't even think a hot girl ( yes I'm serious very hot ) like her would want to hang out with me but she offered to exchange numbers so we can hang out some time.

I wasn't expecting too much at first but I was excited of course I had to wipe the droll from my mouth and try and hide the obvious that I was eye humping her. I thought she was just a pretty face with no brains but it turns out I was wrong and shes actually very smart. The only problem is shes in a very awkward situation right now with just getting out of a long term relationship with her ex(another guy) who they have a house and some other assets with so they are still living together until it can sell and split up.

Lets just say shes got many problems and she drinks and smokes a lot to relieve her stress. I used to drink and smoke a lot but I gave up and I was trying to help her cut down a lot on her drinking. The smoking part no way shes a chain smoker. We hanged out and went to eat out a lot, text and talked on the phone a lot too. In a week we would text and talk almost everyday and hang out in person 2-4 times a week.

I started falling for her hard and tried to let her know many times and she keeps telling me she cant give me what I want and shes in no state for anything right now. I know its true also because of all her problems but I still cant help but feel and want more from her. I cant believe she doesn't even notice it at times how I feel about her, It seems shes so centered on herself and her own problems she doesn't see how I feel about her.

Its pretty bad I think about her almost constantly and would always drop what ever I was doing to talk to her or go see her. Everytime she wanted to hang out and I already made plans I would cancel it even when other friends came around I would ditch them to see her. I know I put her first too much because we are just suppose to be friends and I don't want to be the only one putting in all the effort when shes not but I cant just say no to her.

I think shes too used to getting what she wants from guys that she doesn't even know shes doing it at times but she has this charm on me like no other and always gets what she wants. I'm always asking to hang out with her and stuff but shes always denying me and when ever she wants to hang out of course I say yes.

What messed it up

About over a week ago she was depressed again (She gets a lot like that and wanted to drink). I've usually only talked to her over the phone and only been drunk around her one other time but we weren't actually alone (her ex was home and also her girlfriend) so we just went to my car and talked. This is what I don't get about her when shes drunk shes different and doesn't care what happens. She started touching me and rubbing her feet near my groin, obviously i was turned on lol but hey I remember her telling me that if shes like that don't do anything because shes not her self so I hold back and just talk to her and ask her what shes doing and if she knows. Shes too drunk and just started laying on me so I just hold her and we just talked. I got her some pizza that night because she was hungry and told her to go to bed and sleep shes got work the next day etc.

A few days later after the car incident I joked about wanting to get drunk with her and she tells me OK sure. It was just going to be me and her there at her place, I kinda knew what was going to happen and I'm sure she did too so I don't get why she would even consider drinking with me. I was a little drunk but knew what I was doing but she was very drunk. We were just rapping to some 2pac and laughing and having a great time then things started getting touchy and I touched her back of course. I don't know whats up she can touch me and when I put my hands on her legs she's all like "Why are you touching me?" I tell her sorry and I dunno lol but I think shes just playing. Shes very moody and its not like I ever hit on her constantly or what ever so I dunno whats up anyway she says I'm going to bed now so I walk her to her room because I'm afraid shes going to fall or something. Shes in bed and I'm just standing there making sure shes OK before I go and leave when she starts taking off her top in front of me and saying things like "Don't you want me?" I tell her yeah of course but I don't think its right because shes too drunk and I ask her are you sure you want to do this? Shes all like I don't know I don't give a $hit right now I'm tried of giving a $hit. I should of known better but I couldn't hold my self back I was kinda confused as well but wanted it so I did and we ended up in bed.

The next day shes all like "Its so wrong we shouldn't of done that we are suppose to be friends" I told her its my fault that I should of had more self control but she thinks its hers for seducing me which I agree in some part she did drunk or not. I don't know who's fault it is really but I think its more of mine since I wasn't too drunk but let my feelings for her take over. She asked if I was OK with what happen and I was. We even joked about it for a while and laughed.


For the next five days or so she didn't want to see me in person because she was embarrassed maybe but we still talked on the phone and text every day, I told her I'm OK with what happen and it wasn't her fault but she still thinks it was. During the next five days I wanted to see her so bad in person but she didn't I think I got obsessed with her and I started stressing out worried things were gonna be screwed up with me and her.


All of a sudden on Sunday she comes and sees me and we go out to eat and its all weird. I'm all nervous around her in person and I think she feels weird too. We were suppose to go driving because I've been trying to teach her to drive manual but its that time of the day again and shes just wanting to go home and drink. I offer to come too but she wont let me so I just drive her back to my place and she gets in her car there. I don't know what else to do to keep her mind off it theres only so much a friend can do you know.

I know she doesn't want me back in the same way I do with her so I've been trying to back up but its hard. I'm only human and I have feelings right... strong ones. I can only try my best.

Monday: I'm feeling depressed and sad because I'm missing her so I text her and tell her I'm depressed and want to drink with her to relieve my stress but I think shes worried what might happen again so she tells me shes never drinking with me again ever. I was half serious about the drinking part I just wanted to see if she was going to be there for me like I always try to be there for her but she only offers to talk on the phone if I wanted. That kinda thing helps me realize she dosn't care for me in the same way so it should sink in right but its still hard. maybe I'm in denial or something about the whole situation and still hope theres a chance.

Anyway I don't call her and she doesn't call me that night and I'm starting to be OK without her the next day. I'm able to focus a lil so I try and stay away from her again on Wednesday but she text me and ask if I'm OK. I'm fine its just the way I'm trying to deal with it. She text me some things about her ex(my friend) saying he wants to get back with her and stuff but shes not sure then I tell her she needs to just make sure thats what she wants. I'm feeling guilty for liking her of course because he was an old friend. I figured she needed some time to clear things up so I leave her alone for two days.

Thursday(today): she text me back today asking if I'm OK because I haven't text her and its unusual, I told her yeah and ask her how shes doing but she wont tell me I get somethings up and shes moody again so shes getting mad at me (I can tell by the tone of the text messages) so I figured I should go see her and buy her some candy and food that she likes. I go over her place and surprise her and shes asking whats up with me. I tell her I'm just dealing with it the way I know how, and shes asking what? I tell her I like her too much and its affecting me, I drop everything for her and we're suppose to be friends so I'm just trying to focus on my work and not text or call her as much.

She brings up the old "we cant be friends thing if you like me this much" thing again but I'm sure it didn't bother her before how could she not see it that I liked her that much and now that I started trying to distance myself from her a little so I can maybe regain some control over my life, I just wanted to be honest with her and I don't get it shes mad when I text her a lot and shes mad when I don't text her. I talked to my friend about her and he reckons shes got issues. I definitely know shes confused about what she wants and I don't get why I cant be like how I am.

I still want to be friends with her but I cant let her affect me so much, Shes mad at me now for dumping it all on her but I think she should of known really. She says she cant be friends with me no more if shes affecting me like that but I'm sure she already knew what she was doing to me. I just had to do whats best for me and I wanted to let her know I wasn't ignoring her I just wanted her to understand. The funny thing is she ignores me a lot and I don't bring it up. Damn pretty girls too used to getting their own way and what they want from guys. I tried telling her to think about it first and we can talk later see how it goes don't rush to conclusions. She told me to leave so I did eventually, I didn't want to leave like that, I don't want to lose her friendship so I hope she comes around. I find out also today that the text from her ex was a while back I'm not sure why she even wanted to show me old text I thought it was recent. I think shes really confused, I'm confused too so I am thinking time should tell.

Its not like shes totally bad to me shes a good friend just when shes bad shes very bad. I think its just her situation thats stressing her out and its affecting her thinking which affects how she is and it affects me too.

** I've tried to include as much detail as I can think of that are relevant, I hope you got some advice for me please **
any further questions feel free to ask.

Edited July 10, 2008 by sonesay (see edit history)

[krzyflipx 0]

Hmm that is very interesting story haha yeah I read the whole thing I don't know if your still on and check this thread since its been kind of long and had no replies so I'll be the first to reply. Looks like your going through some dilemma there and theres alot of confusion like you stated between her and you, I was in a situation like that awhile ago my ex and I called it off took a break and there was this girl I liked in the past but she was taken and we started talking for a bit to the point where she wanted to have sex, I told her I wanted it too but things were a little rushed and I couldn't bring myself to do it since I was still feeling for my ex. It may not be relevant to your situation but sometimes in a situation like that where your offered to do it or leave it, sometimes a girl would be mad if you chose not to do it, then sometimes the girl would want it but shes vulnerable then the next day she'd regret it. There may be alot of reasons for the way shes acting towards you, maybe during the time you and her talked alot she was talking to another person as well at the time like maybe her ex from over seas, I don't blame you for doing what you did but she seems the most confused one right now sometimes when you have sex with a person it builds this other feeling or tension and they would think about what happened that night or what she did and when she has another interference with her life like the man from over seas and living in a house with another ex it brings alot of tension on the person and what decisions she should make. I think she knew what kind of relationship you both had but didn't say much or say anything at all because of the fact in what you both had she liked, she liked the talking, the texting, and the attentionm the meeting up and the hanging together. you can't always be thinking about how it would affect you cuz it seems like most of the time your worrying about what you want and your needs, sometimes you need to step outside your box and put yourself in her shoes understand her, what shes going through and the decisions shes trying to make. I'm sure if anything the last thing she'd want is to hurt you and thats why I'd bring up the having sex thing despite on how you look at it having sex plays a big part and a big role for some people and I think she looks back on it so much that it's binding her with the relationship you both have you don't want to lose your friendship neither does she but what can you do? ignoring her and giving her the silent treatment has its ups and downs yea it creates space for both of you, but at the same time she could be seeking advice and guidance it's hard to tell if you don't say anything to each other or talk about things like this, venting out and getting both your opinions. by the look of it you were the one who vented out and told her what you felt, I think the only way to properly put closure if she told you what she thinks and feels as well, thats the missing information in all this. I hope this helps somehow if you ever get the chance to read it. good luck man

[wordpress_lover 0]

Dude, it's clear to me she sees you as a buddy or platonic friend. No matter how depressedyou may be, no matter how much you want her,no matter how good or bad she may be.And even if she does see you as a bf material (I am not saying you aren't), do you really want to have her problems as your own (drinking etc)?I am saying this because I've friends who arejust like her, acts like her, behaves like her. Andwhen such women tell it to you directly that youcan't be together, she isn't lying. And you'relucky she told you cos she could have left youhanging and waiting for her.Anything that follows after this (even if in theend you have sex, etc) it's not gonna make thingschange. Very seldom do I see happy endingsin love stories like yours.Sorry to be so blunt. but if you don't believe whatI say, be my guest and find the truth by yourself.Sometimes people learn things the hard way andthat's life.P.S. I am female by the way (I know you're wondering!)

[sonesay 7]

Thanks you for your responses. Yeah its a very confusing situation but time away has made things a bit clearer. Shes like completely ignoring me now but I guess its for the best in a way. I guess I was so blinded by what I wanted it clouded my thinking and judgment. Shes told me several times that she just wanted to be friends but thinking back there has been many times where I think its fair to say shes flirted and lead me on, there's times when shes drunk she'll call me up talk to me like we were more then friends. Maybe shes just messing around with me in a joking way? I don't know its still messed up. I don't know I'm the kind of person who cant just be talking to someone a lot and not have any feelings for them.I shouldn't blame her though, In the end it was my fault, I lost a good friend even though shes a bit crazy I still liked having out with her. Its too bad I had to find out the hard way that we cant be friends if I liked her too much. I should of not expected too much or anything especially from her knowing what kind of state she was in. I couldn't just be there for her as a friend, I wanted more so yeah I'm wrong in that sense. I still want to be friends with her but I don't know if its even possible now. I'm tired of trying so I guess I'll just leave it at that. If she calls she calls if not then whatever right. I don't even know why I even care so much sometimes...PeaceSone.

[wordpress_lover 0]

Thanks you for your responses. Yeah its a very confusing situation but time away has made things a bit clearer. Shes like completely ignoring me now but I guess its for the best in a way. I guess I was so blinded by what I wanted it clouded my thinking and judgment. Shes told me several times that she just wanted to be friends but thinking back there has been many times where I think its fair to say shes flirted and lead me on, there's times when shes drunk she'll call me up talk to me like we were more then friends. Maybe shes just messing around with me in a joking way? I don't know its still messed up. I don't know I'm the kind of person who cant just be talking to someone a lot and not have any feelings for them.
I shouldn't blame her though, In the end it was my fault, I lost a good friend even though shes a bit crazy I still liked having out with her. Its too bad I had to find out the hard way that we cant be friends if I liked her too much. I should of not expected too much or anything especially from her knowing what kind of state she was in. I couldn't just be there for her as a friend, I wanted more so yeah I'm wrong in that sense.

I still want to be friends with her but I don't know if its even possible now. I'm tired of trying so I guess I'll just leave it at that. If she calls she calls if not then whatever right. I don't even know why I even care so much sometimes...

Peace
Sone.

Sone, the only thing I see that can help you is to
keep knowing other people. Join a real group in
your area or start a game or something. At least
it will take your broken heart and mind off her till
you fully heal. Mend your broken heart first....

Just let her know you still wanna be friends with
her after all that has happened. The ball is in her
court and if she is refusing your friendship, you
have not lost anything. Don't feel you have lost
anything!

I wish you well! Tell yourself THINGS WILL BE BETTER!

Regards
kelly

[sonesay 7]

Thanks for your advice your right things will get better in fact they are already. I've come to appreciate my real friends a lot more. The ones I've known ever since I was a kid are still my friends and I've been hanging around them more to keep my mind off her. One of my mates said go play games lol so that's what I have been doing but yeah once I stop it just comes back so its not a permanent fix. Well I got university to keep me busy and I'm doing a lot of interesting subjects this semester, Web development (Joke paper we using ASP.net), physical database design, software design and implementation, human computer interaction.I guess its not the same as getting the attention of a girl lol but its better then most things. I shouldn't even be thinking about girls anyway I cant do that and study its too hard.Thanks again

[krzyflipx 0]

self control is what you really need to work on, I'm sure you've notice that as well :] hang in there man it's ok to care and be worriedi know trying may be tedious and at times it feels like you want to give up because shes not trying on her end, don't say anything is impossiblewith the right decisions and a good path to take anything is possible bro remember that just cuz you keep falling that doesn't mean you should end it there and stop trying if she really means that much to you and you still want her as a friend don't give up on each other, don't tell yourself you lost her as a friend, the important thing was you know what you did that was wrong and you should use that as a base to build yourself up stronger and wiser, since you couldn't be there as a friend do that now, since you know liking her too much was gonna cause tension with her next time you talk or approach her do it as friends with no strings attatched. theres alot of answer and reasons to your situation but with the given advice you have right now try to think of new paths.