What Should I Do? please help :(

[T84 0]

Hey Xisto peoples,Sorry i never bring any good news....but another problem(if you can call it that) has come up....As you know for the past like 4 monthes I've been in love with this girl who is one of my best friends, but she has a boyfriend. And it kills me to see her and her boyfriend talking, her talking about him, and like all other girls the date he asked her out is everywhere(myspace, aim profile, etc)....Its been hard to hang in there and be her friend and all but i dont know how much more i can take of this... she knows i hate him and how i feel about her and all that stuff.... but she told me just to get over her and that i was wasting my time because she isn't single. I don't know what to do at this point...I think it would be best for us not be friends anymore....but i don't know if thats best or not....(i know i just controdicted myself)....her grandma also passed away at the end of December and i dont want her to be hurt anymore....but like i said its killing me inside... She says we are best friends but I havent hung out with her since early december...and it seems alot of the time she talks to me on aim at night she wants something (although we do talk every night)....today i ignored her IMs and texts cus i have no idea what to do anymore....please help im desperate

[OpaQue 15]

Few simple things which will give you the answer to "what I should do?".1. Do not expect anything of her.2. Do not desire any favors, time, talks etx.3. Consider her your good friend and be there for her.4. Do not screw up your personal schedule for her.5. Do what you have to do. If you usually sleep at night, just go to bed. 6. Talk to her other time when you are free. Stop adjusting yourself and blaming her later for it in your mind.7. Do not say anything that hurts to any of you.8. Her BF is her choice. She has responsibilities towards him. Respect that.9. Be her good friend and ask her to find a girl for you. She will understand this and help you :-)

[lady 0]

hey T84personally I would advise you to just stop contacting her for a while if you can do it...only this way will you be able to forget about her, according to what you wrote it is obvious there isn't going to be a break up anytime soon,so you better get over her...i know it can be hard, but it would do you a lot of good

[dcshaw.en 0]

Blunt opinions coming.First thing's firstNo matter what you say, what she says, or what your perception of the situation may beIs not reliable in any form.You say you haven't hung out with her since early DecemberConsider this may be because you've made her uncomfortable with how you feel about her and her boyfriend.You can't expect to tell her that you -hate- someone she cares deeply for and that you want her all to yourself instead of letting her be happy (Whether you said those words exactly or not; it's likely something she got out of it), and have her still be your best friend and wanting to hang around with you.So I'm prone to agree with her here;Either get over it and salvage a friendship,or if you see it worth itPretend you've gotten over it and hide your feelings and anguish(I know the latter isn't the greatest option; but if your friendship means much to you, it seems like a likely solution)Either way,Bringing the subject up with her all the timeActing depressed and uncomfortable whenever you're around her and her boyfriend togetherOr even refusing to hang out around them/her because of itIs only going to make her grow more and more distant from you.---Now, some people will argue that if she really considers you a friend she'll try to accommodate your feelings, may even go as far as breaking up with her boyfriend because "Friends are supposed to be more important".Honestly, this is almost never true in practice.Especially for teenagers (Which I'm assuming you are, just by the structure of your post. I haven't actually read any of your other threads; to which your post hinted there were more of)Another counter to that point:Though you may expect her to accommodate your feelings and anguish because you're one of her best friendsIt can also be construed as your duty to accommodate her feelings and wishes of being with and happy with her boyfriend because -you're- her friend. And friends are supposed to be more important than romantic feelings. (For the purpose of this discussion, I am encompassing everything you refer to as a 'crush', 'feelings', 'love' or any other variation of the term as 'feelings')Straight to the Point, you have three options:-Get over it, like she says. Your friendship is worth more.-Hide your feelings for the purpose of the friendship.-End the friendship now, because if you head down this road for too long, you'll do nothing but push her away until she doesn't want to be around you or talk to you at all anymore because of how you make her feel (It really doesn't feel good when you're in a relationship with someone and someone else is constantly pestering you with "I love you", "You should be with me", "Your boyfriend is a jackass and I hate him")

Edited January 7, 2008 by dcshaw.en (see edit history)

[T84 0]

Thanks for the advice from everyone.Dcshaw.en, I see were your coming from but would it really be a constant bother to her that I hate her boyfriend because she knew even before she started talking to him that i hated him? Also even if i somehow manage to get over her, I'm not going to stop hating her boyfriend.... Also, the problem with not contacting her is that we have 2 classes every day together (1 with her boyfriend too....and they sit next to each other... >.>)

[dcshaw.en 0]

*Shrugs*

Bare in mind, I can't exactly speak in any certainty (But I'm sure you know that).

 

While the fact you hate her boyfriend for seemingly unrelated reasons definitely speaks better for you than hating him because he's with the girl you have feelings for.

But

I still can't imagine that she really wants to create undue tension between one of her friends and her boyfriend.

Which is what would, or at least she might fear would, happen if you and her boyfriend co mingled too often.

Point is;

When or why you started to hate the guy may very well be insignificant, the fact is that you do hate him.

And that is very likely to put some stress on her or make her uncomfortable when she's around both of you at the same time.

Or even when she's just around you. I mean, I don't know how much you bring it up with her, but if you make a habit of frequent conversations with her about your feelings towards her and her boyfriend, it doesn't take long before she's simply just tired of hearing about it and might start avoiding you altogether to get away from it.

 

Also;

sometimes it's just the simply, inconvenient fact that schedules make it difficult to spend time with their friends.

One of my best friends, who I've known since I was in grade Three, I only get to see in one of my classes now.

There are actually a lot of people I know like that now. It's just the way things turn out as you get older, and start to get more responsibilities and demands on your time.

 

Anything I said in terms of advice or instructions in my previous post still stands.

This post is mostly meant to clear up any uncertainties about what I meant.

Edited January 8, 2008 by dcshaw.en (see edit history)

[T84 0]

Ok thanks for the advice.

[Vera 0]

My old roommate had this problem, except she was the girl. The friend decided to give her an ultimatum, and of course, they were no longer friends. A few years later, she did break up with her boyfriend, but since the friend alienated himself, the story doesn't have a happy ending for any of them.Perhaps you should try dating around, or some hobby to take your mind off of her. Ask your best friend to set you up with someone. That way, she won't have her defenses up against you, and there's the chance you can reconnect your friendship like it used to be. Make an effort to get along with her boyfriend in social situations, not for her, but because it's the good decent human thing to do.If she should ever become single, don't drop everything just because of the news. Some girls like the chase. You've already planted the idea of the two of you. If she's interested, she'll let you know.

[safe.as.haz 0]

i've been in this position lots of time, and there's not much advice i can give..i tried lots of things and everyone of them has turned differently on different women so worked but not in the way i wanted it to.maybe you should get over it and if you are really her friend or even if you love her, show it. remember what she says goes ad if you dont like her boyfriend tough, still be nice to him....when i first tried this, i thought heck i hate this guy....anyway after false liking him for long enough, i didnt mind him that much. just realized i probably didn't like the poor chappy cause he was getting in about my love.so what happened? her feelings got stronger for me as you could trust me enough and knew deep down that all i cared about was her happiness..so they split up after they fell out about their future. who's shoulder did the boyfriend come to? his new buddies...who's shoulder more importantly did she come to? mine....and we go together, she kept it a secret as it would of been awkward!!!!!!Then boom, it was in open and he was dating someone else by then. We still good mates but unfortunately I'm not with this girl present day!!!But there's an example that worked even though the relationship didn't!!!Good luck, may the force be with you