Loads Of Jokes... Bet u cant read them all

[TempKnight 0]

Car Accident -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates. The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you. To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation. To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife twice." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW. To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did you cheat on your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my wife about 8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment, and a Yugo for your transportation. Couple hours later the second and third men saw the first man crying his eyes out. "Why are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the mansion and limo!" The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw my wife a little while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"Hell -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A thermodynamics professor wrote a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof." Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: "First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. 1. So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose. 2. Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given me by Therese Banyan during our freshman year, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then # 2 cannot be true, and hell is exothermic."Politics -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- SON: Dad, I have to do A SPECIAL REPORT FOR SCHOOL. CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION? FATHER: SURE SON, WHAT'S THE QUESTION? SON: WHAT IS POLITICS? FATHER: WELL, LET'S TAKE OUR HOME FOR EXAMPLE. I AM THE WAGE EARNER, SO LET'S CALL ME MANAGEMENT. YOUR MOTHER IS THE ADMINISTRATOR OF THE MONEY, SO WE'LL CALL HER GOVERNMENT. WE TAKE CARE OF YOUR NEEDS, SO LET'S CALL YOU THE PEOPLE. WE'LL CALL THE MAID THE WORKING CLASS AND YOUR BABY BROTHER WE WILL CALL THE FUTURE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND? SON: I'M NOT REALLY SURE, DAD. I'LL HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT. That night, awakened by his baby brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He then went to the maid's room where, peeking through the key hole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheard by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to bed. The next morning: SON: DAD, NOW I THINK I UNDERSTAND POLITICS. FATHER: THAT'S GREAT SON, EXPLAIN IT TO ME IN YOUR OWN WORDS. SON: WELL, DAD, WHILE MANAGEMENT IS SCREWING THE WORKING CLASS THE GOVERNMENT IS SOUND ASLEEP. THE PEOPLE ARE BEING COMPLETELY IGNORED AND THE FUTURE IS FULL OF *BLEEP*.Statues -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly , but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces. "You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking conspiratorially. Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll *BLEEP* on it's head."Paddy's First Baseball Game -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Paddy just arrived in America from Ireland on holiday. Now, never having seen a baseball game before, he decides that now would be a good time. So, he goes to the park, and gets himself a bleacher seat. Now, Paddy sees a guy step up to the plate with a stick in his hand. The guy standing on the hump of dirt throws a ball at the guy with the stick, who then *crack* hits the ball and starts running down the side. Everyone around Paddy stands up and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!" A second guy steps up to the plate, and damn, if the guy on that hump of dirt doesn't throw that ball again. And again, the guy with the stick *crack* hits the ball and runs down the side. And again, everyone around Paddy again, stands and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!" Now, a third guy steps up to the plate with a stick in his hands. This time, when the guy on the hump of dirt throws the ball, the guy with the stick doesn't do anything. And the guy squatting behind the guy with the stick tosses the ball back to the guy on the hump of dirt. And Paddy is thinking to himself, "What's happening? Why didn't he hit the ball?" This happens three more times, with Paddy wondering more each time. After the fourth time, the guy with the stick drops the stick and strolls up the side. Now Paddy stands up and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!" and the guy sitting next to Paddy says that he doesn't have to run. So Paddy asks him why, and is told that the batter has four balls. So Paddy shouts instead, "WALK WITH PRIDE, MAN! WALK WITH PRIDE!"Bill Gates New House -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- As many people have probably heard by now, Bill Gates built a new home, a VERY large home, 35 garages, several buildings and so on. However, the problems he's had with the house are much less known. The following is an excerpt from a conversation Bill had with his new home contractor. Bill: There are a few issues we need to discuss Contractor: Ah, you have our basic support option. Calls are free for the first 90 days and a $75 call thereafter. Okay? Bill: Uh, yeah. The first issue is the living room. We think it's a little smaller than we anticipated. Contractor: Yeah, some compromises were made to have it out by the release date. Bill: We won't be able to fit all our furniture in there. Contractor: Well, you have two options. You can purchase a new, larger living room. Or you can use a stacker. Bill: Stacker? Contractor: Yeah, it allows you to fit twice as much furniture into the living room. By stacking it, of course, you put the entertainment center on the couch, the chairs on the table, etc. You leave an empty spot, so that when you want to use some furniture, you can unstack what you need and put it back when you're done. Bill: Uh, I dunno... Issue two. The second issue is the light fixtures. The light bulbs we brought with us from our old house don't fit. The threads run the wrong way. Contractor: Oh, that's a feature! The bulbs you have aren't plug and play. You'll have to upgrade to new bulbs. Bill: And the electrical outlets? The holes are round instead of rectangular. How do I fix that? Contractor: That's another feature designed with the customer in mind. Just uninstall and reinstall the electrical system. Bill: You're kidding!?! Contractor: Nope, it's the only way. Bill: (Sighing) Well, I have one last problem. Sometimes when I have guests, someone will flush the toilet and it won't stop. The water pressure drops so low that the showers don't work. Contractor: That's a resource leakage problem. One fixture is failing to terminate and is hogging the resource, preventing other fixtures from accessing. All you need to do is reboot the house after every flush. Bill: Reboot the house? How do I fix that? Contractor: Well, after each flush, you all need to exit the house, turn off the water at the street, turn it back on, reenter the house. Then you can get back to work. Bill: That's the last straw! What kind of product are you selling me? Contractor: Hey, if you don't like it, nobody made you buy it. Bill: And when will it be fixed? Contractor: Oh, in the next house, which we'll be ready to release next year. Actually it was due out this year, but we've had some delays... Sound familiar..... If speed scares you, try Windows...Drunk Driver A policeman pulls over a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He tells the guy to blow a breath into a breathalyzer. "I can't do that, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm an asthmatic. I could get an asthma attack if I blow into that tube." "Okay, we'll just get a urine sample down at the station." "Can't do that either, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm a diabetic. I could get low blood sugar if I pee in a cup." "Alright, we could get a blood sample." "Can't do that either, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm a hemophiliac. If I give blood I could die." "Fine then, just walk this white line." "Can't do that either, officer." "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk.""The Gift" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note: "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. "These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. "I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. "When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. "Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love. "P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."How To Kill A West Virginia Eel -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age, rather curious. He ad been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from the older boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny, she told him to hide behind the curtain one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. So he did. The following morning, Johnny described everything to his mom. "Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while; then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her. I figured sis must be getting sick, because she started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put is hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would; except he's not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. "I guess he was getting sick too because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time she got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I know it was a fever 'cause sis told him she felt really hot. "Finally, I found out what was making them so sick -- a big eel had gotten inside him somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, HONEST! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. "When sis saw it she got really scared. Her eyes got big and her mouth fell open. She started calling out to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she's ever seen. I should tell her about the ones down at the lake. "Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go. I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. "The eel put up a heck of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost tipped the couch over. I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. "After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up and, sure enough, they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out. "Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle but they went back to courting anyhow. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead! It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are just like cats -- they have nine lives or something. "This time sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After about a 15 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I know it was dead this time 'cause I saw sis' boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet"Bill Gates Dies -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter. "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven of Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created the ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go." Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two ?" St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" I'll leave that up to you." Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven !" "Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmmmm, I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter. "Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionarie to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in a dark cave, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going ?" he asked Bill. Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to the other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water ???" "That was a demo," replied St. Peter.Birth Of A Candy Bar -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One payday, Mr. Goodbar wanted a bit o' honey. So he took Miss Hershey behind the powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue. He began to feel her mounds. That was pure almond joy. It made her tootsie roll. He let out a snicker as his butterfinger went up her kit kat and caused a milky way. She screamed "Oh Henry" as she squeezed his peter paul and zagnuts. Miss Hershey said, "You are even better than the three muskateers." Soon she was a bit chunky and nine months later, Miss Hershey had a baby ruth.Did God Make You? A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa. "Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl. "Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa. "Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"A Book About the Elephant Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant: The French book - The Sex Life of the Elephant or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant. The English book - Elephants I have shot on Safari. The Welsh book - The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden. The American book - How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants. The Japanese book - How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants. The Greek book - How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money. The Finnish book - What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People. The German book - A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1- 6. The Icelandic book - Defrosting an Elephant. The Swiss book - Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants. The Canadian book - Elephants: A Federal or State Issue? The Swedish book - How to reduce your taxes with an elephantSentenced A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true. "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed. The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."The Mistress A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!" "Oh" replies the husband, "that was my mistress." "That's it," says the wife, "I want a divorce." "Ok," replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours." Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who is that woman with Jim?" she asks. "That's his mistress," replies her husband. "Ours is much better looking." says the wife.What Comes After Ten The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers. "Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three." "Four," answers the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?" "A Jack."