And What Do You Think Of This Poem...?

[malapidp 0]

Not mine though, but quite neat eh?...

 

On a cold winter's night you can always seem

To find the pleasure that makes you scream

Your meaningless life is boring without him

Your bleeding scars will consume you

 

All around his bliss that is your pain

You're begging for more of that cold metal chain

Yet again you are left alone in the rain

Your body is hurting for something new

 

Angels are crying to save your poor soul

Your innocence and beauty can make a man whole

Please, try to understand that from here you'll just fall

Into the sea that your blood is creating

 

How can you be so blinded by his will?

When you cover your eyes you can't see him kill

He takes you back every night just to make you feel

That in the end you will always be waiting

 

Always stormy inside, still you are waiting

You're playing with death and always waiting

Bored by life with no reason to hide

Still waiting, always...

[JaVe 0]

Wow, what i like is the way the second sentence is just ending the first like:One day i looked up at the sky......and saw god throw down a pie.It's quite hard to write poems put you did a 'welldone' job! Good work and continue to write like you do! I may only be a kid but i can easily say that there aren't many people anymore who are creative.

[JaVe 0]

First eye-contact with the girl I love,As I look up to the sky above,God peers down - his hand has touched me,My thought is - I've been saved...The idea of not having acted,...would have crushed me like a lightning-bolt,Passion filled me with the way she reacted -That smile...This image left a footprint in my mind,Permanent watermark - light blue eyes,This image = like footprints in the sand of time,I dream on with the image following me...I'll accept extreme criticism on this poem, it's terrible and i wrote it in several minutes. I am crazy in love with this girl which is why i wrote it...

[vanilla_rent 0]

first off, I love these poems, (of all posts)- as for the ones you've written, JaVe, they show a lot of involved inspiration... and hey, inspiration is everything- one of the greatest quotes for me I've kept as a writer was said by Jack London- "You can't wait for inspiration. You have got to go after with a club." I say this not only because you awesomely mentioned the girl you are in love with (I am actually madly in love with a guy, whom I just finished the last draft of poem about him, so I guess were both writers in the same boat) but also because the poem would not simply be terrible because you wrote it in several minutes- the most amazing stuff you've ever written can be written in the mad course of a few seconds. That aside, I do have some criticism- as I always wish people to give me more criticism on my writing than is actually said. The first poem shows this and it's incredibly common, a teacher I know at my high school is constantly (lovingly) reminding his creative writing classes it, is that you more tell than show things in your poem.I know that seems like I just made something not easily understandable up, but you give the lines God peers down- his hand has touched me / my thought is- I've been saved... In this case you're really simply telling the reader a few words, as opposed to poetry which is more intended to be showing through rhythm and rhyme, and onomatopoeia (and etc) It is not that good poetry and prose cannot use I in every single line of a poem or anything thoughts like that, the strength of poetry and prose are there actually are no rules, though you've gotta realize it still applies that a true poem has a sort of embodiment you get from reading it, and a sense of who it is... if that made any sense :rolleyes:I am only an aspiring writer, (and in my free time, no less) so I'm not even leaping in any direction to show myself as an amazing writer, but instead I'll give you an example of a showing line of a recent poem I just wrote a few minutes, and a great line from your latest poem as well that is showing as opposed to "telling"...from here Slash there-re-open your eyes and I will still be therefalling now like some petaldetached and yet... somehow dreamingdown into your lap...the stanza doesn't make sense as it's simply a tiny portion cut from a many many stanza and couplet poem, but I'm hoping you see the showing as opposed to telling- your poem isn't terrible, it's actually pretty good, though the first one you posted I think I like quite a bit as the best (it's so good, man!)First eye-contact with the girl I love,As I look up to the sky above...those are two awesome lines- you veer off with the other two in the stanza that really distract from the meaning of the first two lines as they don't flow in the same dimention of the stanza and also are rather "telling".... if none of this has made sense to you just whack me on the head with a book and I'll try harder to help XD

[clergyq 0]

Oh java that poem about the girl you love...*sighs* I love it!!! it reminded me what it was like to be in love, the intensity of that feeling is something that I have forgotten over the years....Ah wow that brought back some memories. Oh and also it reminded me I wrote a poem a long time ago. This is the one and only poem ive ever written lol and probably will be the last, so it goes without saying that i by no means consider myself a poet...But ill share my poem none the less Flesh on flesh.warm to the touch. an eternal embrace a forbiden lust hidden in dreams I feel your kiss hot and wet in raptured bliss my body quivers, ravenous with sin I lean in and taste the salty sweetness of your skin gentle sighs escape from your lips, your body tenses and tightens its grip. feeling the pressure of your body on mine our breath grows heavy, syncronized in time. you whisper "submit" and my body surrenders I am yours now lost in pain lost in pleasure. I dont want to wake, please let this dream go on but reality rushes in and your image is gone *cringes* hope its not to erotic for these posts but anyway there it is

[vanilla_rent 0]

too erotic? actually, it rather is not- and poetry takes great length for poetic/artistic license... ...my current poetry/prose/drama performance piece for this Speech season on my high school's speech team is actually a poem entitled "The Erotic Philosophers" so... but anyway, back to reason I'm typing the post- your poem. I have to say that I loved every single line- you might want to play with the verse (as in rhythm and rhyme- the poem already has it, but there is a certain amount of rhythm and rhyme simply in the skill of the writer in verse and etc ) as you have all of the possible ones in a single stanza (unless you meant it as a prose piece, in which does not require verse, and in which case I take it back) but I absolutely love the poem- the flow and the vision was perfectly and rushingly clear... ...basically, it perfectly summarized the rush and the ...excitement? (in a non physical manner hahaha) I get looking in the eyes of the guy I'm in love with- it's... just amazing. Post more poems you are an awesome writer!!