My Short Story (verry Very Very Very Long!)

[I Eat Kittens 0]

Hey folks. I've been spending some time on planning and preparation for a fairly lengthy story, and I've now started a first draft I just thought I could share part of the beginning with you all. Just a couple of things to note before you begin reading this:The story will be a mixture of western and eastern story motifs. It's primarily a medieval fantasy setting and takes place in a world where a great empire known as the Anglen Empire has taken over the kingdom of Chin. As you can guess from their names, the two nations are loosely based on the English and the Chinese. The story will follow many fantasy genre archetypes, but they will be seen through an east meets west lens. There is also a prologue that takes place ten years ago when the father of the main character dies, and I hope that it will fill some of the holes you'll likely see in this passage, namely involving the parents and the sister. The main purpose of this passage is to establish the story's "present" following the flashback prologue. The names of the principles are mostly set, though location names are still up in the air.As always, comments are welcome. Anyways here it is:Will Wei leaned wearily against his spade as he removed his hat to wipe thesweat from his brow. A welcomed spring breeze skipped across the fields,carrying the rich aroma of freshly tilled soil. Will inhaled the familiar scent,thankful for the cooling wind. The sun was starting its journey beyond thetree-topped hills along the western horizon, painting the sky around it with apalette of cherry blossom pink and tangerine orange. A ray of sunlight brokethrough a gap in the hills and caressed Will’s bronze face in gentle benedictionwhile behind him, his long shadow streaked across the field. Will enjoys thesequiet moments of solitude after a day of hard labour. Will rarely allows himselfa moment of rest, stopping only briefly at midday when his sister Wandabrought him his lunch. Only now, as the sun bid its farewell, does he givehimself a chance to rest and reflect on the day.But he still had one more task to fulfill. Collecting his rucksack and balancinghis spade over his left shoulder, Will started towards the lone oak treestanding by the road which marked the northern border of his family’s land. Ashe neared the end of the tilled field, he paused for a moment to scoop up ahandful of soil.The oak tree had stood at that spot for generations. Its roots spreadgrandly, some of the lengthier roots expanding beyond the fencing that ranalong the road to the nearby town of Shidong. The tall, reaching branchesalready a vibrant green with new foliage, cast a broad shadow across theadjacent meadow. Under the protection of the mighty branches, near thebase of the tree, stood several thin wooden planks driven into the ground. Each plank stood three feet tall and was painted white. Down the broad faceof each marker, in red ink, a series of Chin pictographs were painted withskilled hands, marking a different name. The top character on each marker,however, was the familiar symbol for Wei, the family name.They were not exactly grave markers. Several of Will’s earlier ancestors wereburied here but several generations ago, a law was made restricting burials tochurch owned lands. Nevertheless, the Wei clan decided to honour andremember their own with these simple markers. The actual graves in theAnglen graveyards displayed only the Anglen names of those interred, butunderneathe the old oak, their true Chin names can proudly be displayed. Thefamily made sure to keep the markers in good condition, and just a week ago,Will replaced a couple of damaged markers with new ones that Wanda hadcarefully painted.Will set down his spade and rucksack and stood before the markers. Therewere sixteen in total, each one bearing the name of one of Will’s ancestors, allof whom had once toiled on the same plot of land. Will faced the markersand, clasping his hands to his chest, bowed three times to show his respectfor his predecessors. Then he approached the nearest marker, the onebearing the name of his father, William, or as the marker read, Wei Wi Lan.As he did at the end of every other day, Will knelt before his father’s markerand sprinkled the handful of soil at its base. Then he began to recount theday’s events, letting his father know of the state of the farm.“I had to repair the south fence again. Ever since the flood last spring theground near the stream has not been very sturdy. I might have to build astone wall along that side. I will visit the mason when I go to Shidong thisweek and ask what he would suggest. There were more signs of wolves thispast winter than usual, so I need to secure that section if I want to keep thechickens safe.”Will did this every day since he started handling most of the farming duties. When he was a child, Will helped his father with some of the simpler chores. In the evening when the sun set, his father would ask him to report on thework he had done that day. Will would recount his day, much like he did now,and William would praise him for a job well done.“The Anglens changed their quota again. Their war with the Franks endedsooner than they had expected and they now have a surplus of turnips andbeans. Fortunately, we decided to change our focus away from turnips lastseason, as the price has dropped now that the war is over. The beans arestill holding steady but I don’t know if we can meet their demand for cabbage. I might have to adjust our crop rotation schedule to make up for it.”Will stopped his report as he heard a horse approaching from the road. Heturned around and saw a thin man dressed in a grey church frock astride asmall pony. Will stood and wiped his hands on his jerkin before greeting thevisitor.“Pastor Bisham, what a surprise. What brings you out here this late?”Bisham, the young pastor from the chapel in Shidong, dismounted as heneared Will. He carefully adjusted his frock before reaching over the fence toclasp Will’s outstretched hand.“Good evening, Will. I hope I am not disturbing you.”“No, not at all, Pastor. You are always welcome.”“Please, Will, call me Henry.” Henry Bisham was fairly new to the area. Hearrived two years ago to replace the former pastor, John Creegan, who hadpassed away from pneumonia. Henry was young for a clergyman, only a fewyears older than Will’s eighteen years. His slender frame and youthfulappearance contrasted with Pastor Creegan’s heavy build and elderly visage. Henry had only recently completed his studies in the Anglen holy cityStreehan. What he lacked in experience, he made up for in enthusiasm andone of the first things he did when he arrived in Shidong was to set up aschool for children, both Anglen and Chin.“What can I do for you, Henry?”“I came to speak to you about your brother Walt.”“What of him?”Walt was Will’s younger brother. He was born ten years ago, not long aftertheir father died. Under his mother’s urging, Will had enrolled Walt in PastorBisham’s school shortly after his birthday on new year’s day.I'll be continuing it as I keep writing. I lost the .doc of the second chapter, so I'm going to have to rewrite it. PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK

[kraizii88z 0]

By no means am i a critic, or a publisher, or an editor, far from it, but the first thing i noticed about your story (besides the obvious thought that went in to it) is that you used a lot of adjectives in the first paragraph.

-welcomed breeze, freshly tilled, familiar scent, cooling wind, on and on... i know good writing involves the use of copious adjectives, but something just dosen't invite the reader...too much to take in at first, maybe.

 

_{[We all know that sunsets are glorious colors, his shadow will be long at that time of day, and it is usually "a quiet moment" when you're out in the field alone with nothing but you and the sunset. Also in the second paragraph, "over his left shoulder" --why not just "over his shoulder". The reader dosen't need to know which soulder he put his spade over. And we don't need to know that the planks were exactly three feet tall. They are not a major part of the story.]}

 

Maybe what i'm trying to say is that...when you're trying to describe what stillness in a beautiful field is like, the writing should reflect the attitude. If you're trying to be funny, you use funny writing, you are trying to be quiet, you use quiet writing, gory, then gory writing, you know what i mean? It sounds to me more like the guy's thoughts are too exacting to be standing alone enjoying the sunset. if you were in that field, your thoughts would definately not be on getting the right adjective down to describe it. Your thoughts would be shorter, more spontaneus.

 

Also, what kind of story is this? where is it going? becase the first thing i noticed about Wei is that he is still not over his father's death. Maybe he should learn how to just let go...maybe that could be the conflict of the story?

 

And another thing, your tenses are fluctuating. Meaning, you say Wei stood there, then you say he stands there. You have to commit to either past or present tense, & you'll probably want to go with past tense. Present tense affects the way you write the action sequences, like: "Will stops his report as he hears a horse approaching from the road. He turns around and sees a thin man dressed in a grey church frock astride a small pony(ponies are small)". It's more like a screenplay that way, unless that's what you want to write, I'd go with past tense, and make every verb that way, it's easier to tell a story that way.

 

I'm sorry i did so much critiquing. i wouldn't have to critique it if it sucked. but i think it's really great, but i would advise that you write it with someone, because it could be a lot of fun to work with someone on it. They can see it from a less attached perspective, as well. if this is a hobby, you are spending your time well, as it may pay off one day. it could be made into a book, if it's good enough to publish.

[michaeln 0]

You know, whenever I write something in a limited time, I write lots of adjectives, adverbs etc. but as the story goes on, it just becomes more informative. Its because I take too long to write the adjectives, and when I see theres not much time left, I just finish it. I'm bad at English and Writing, but I just noticed that. Also, what feels like 10 pages, when read, is actually 1 or 2 pages for me. Your story is quite good, keep it up, but I think you should spend longer on it.