Coming Out Of The Closet Sexuality and where you fit in the grand scheme of things?

[Indego 0]

Hello All,Look just discovered this particular forum string and noticed that there was not an opportunity or string created for people who are questioning their Sexuality and where they will fit into the world. I'm not claiming to have all the answers on the topic but am more then happy to lend an ear and help out where I Can. I've worked as a volunteer councilor for many years dealing with Gay, Lesbian and Bi-Sexual issues and have been involved with that community for the past 20 years.I'm 34 years old and have a permanent Same sex partner, we've been together for over 5 years now, So if you have a question please ask away or let me know how you feel about anything that might be stressing you....As i said I may not have all of the answers but I'm sure I'll try and help were i can and if i can't then we can try and find the answer together....Looking forward to talking with you all soon.CheersJase

Edited December 31, 2006 by Indego (see edit history)

[darran 0]

I am sorry but I didn't quite understand, so let me clarify:You mentioned that you have a permanent same sex partner, meaning of the same sexuality and not of different sexuality? If that is the case, I would like to ask you how do you deal with the constant eye staring, critics on you and your partner? What made you decide to have a partner of the same sexuality?

[salamangkero 0]

Whoo-hoo! Finally! A thread where I (just possibly) might belong and feel at home! I'm basically out online so anyone who knows my online identities could very easily know of my sexuality. I'm being vague offline though; I don't disclose my "secret" where it is unnecessary.Of course, that did result in some... awkward moments like a girl having a crush on me.Although I must admit, I am also curious how you handle the constant criticism?I'd like to point out, though, that Darran's question: "What made you decide to have a partner of the same sexuality?" is kinda... I dunno. Slightly offensive? I mean, it is clear that choosing the sexuality of our partners has a lot to do with our own sexuality. Ultimately, it does seem presumptuous, assuming that homosexuality (or bisexuality, or even heterosexuality, for that matter) is a choice an individual can make. I think it is not, but if you have other ideas, do be kind enough to share

[Indego 0]

Good morning all and happy new year:

 

Thanks to Darren for his feedback and the support from salamangkero;

 

Firstly to Darren's Questions?

If that is the case, I would like to ask you how do you deal with the constant eye staring, critics on you and your partner? What made you decide to have a partner of the same sexuality?

 

Darren, Yes I am Male and So is My Partner. How do we deal with the Staring etc, We firstly I'm not big on public affection from any one so weather it be from a man and a woman being affectionate in public or to people of the same sex, I think there is a time and a place for everything and that there really is no need to be openly confrontational and being a gay man then we tend not to be overly affectionate in public; however we don't hide the fact that we are partners..... (Not that we walk round with signs on our foreheads either)

 

With regards to Critics and comments on our relationship, we've been through a lot over the past few years being actively involved in a large Gay & Lesbian Website and community events portal. We took a lot of negative publicity from the religious area's in Queensland Australia as well as the people who felt that we were unnatural and against gods will........

 

My response to that is that I was created this way and that I did not at any time choose to be Gay. Nor did my partner in actual fact we both tried to fit into society and have girl friends and both of us were engaged to girls but in both cases we didn't feel comfortable about the situation that we were in. I personally find if very difficult to explain why I am the way I am other then this is how I was born and it feel correct to be attracted to a Man regardless of the fact that I am a Man as well. I suppose you could ask you the same thing? Why is it that you are attracted to the people that you are interested in ? What makes your attractions more correct than ours?

 

Not that there is anything wrong with the attractions that you feel for someone either. Thats the thing if it feels correct and no body is being hurt by your actions than you should be allowed to live the life you feel most comfortable with.

 

 

With regards to the "Choose to be that Way" statement. No one in their right mind would CHOOSE to be Gay or Lesbian or Even Bi Sexual as its just so much easier to lie to the world and choose to be Straight or Heterosexual to fit into society..... But it take a lot of work and so much heartache to keep that front up...

 

Unfortunately this is why we see so many married men after years of Marriage they leave their wife and kids because they can just not continue to lie to them selves and the people who they care for often those people include the Kids and their married partners....

 

It's more difficult than most people understand, to sit there in front of your parents and friends and tell them that you aren't like them and that you are not attracted to the opposite sex as they are......

 

 

But once the dust has settled most people come around to see that you are happier living the life that you were born to live. Some times this takes longer with some families and you may very will loose some friends as well but what kind of friends are they really if they can't support you in your time of truth and openness.

 

any way thats how I feel about it and hope that clarifies some of the things you have questions about.

 

 

 

salamangkero; Thanks for your support in this forum as well I appreciate the fact that you can be here and open about who you are. If you have questions please let me know, as for being out on line and not in your personal life yet, time will tell how and when you let the world know in full you have to be comfortable about who you are and where you expect things to go.

 

Please don't let people tell you its only a stage your going through as Truth be Known its not.....

 

If you are sexually attracted to people of the same sex then don't let them effect how you feel about who you are, remember this is how you were born into the world just as many millions before you were and many millions after you will be.

 

A small fact that you may like to know: 1 in 10 people you will meet in your life will be fully attracted to the same sex as themselves, So don't be afraid, Take a look round your circle of friends and count them. I'm sure your not alone in this genetic human trait........

 

Let me know if there is anything that I can help you with. EMail me or PM me if you want a more private conversation.

 

Notice from KuBi:

When quoting text from anothers post please simply use the "quote' button. Or

tags. Also, please do not sign off.

[JasperIk 0]

No offence but alot of what you have said isn't true. You are over 30 which means you probably haven't hung around people under 20 that are living today, not when you were 13-20. Many teens today DO choose to be bisexual, either because they think its cool, they think its different and will be a shocker, because they don't understand how to deal with admiring/idolizing and actual attraction for someone of the same gender or some other reason. I do believe many people choose to just call themselves bisexual just because they don't know what else to call it, so yes i do think for that part is a phase concidering atleast a half of those who say they are bi today, will not think/know they are bi 10 years from now, because they have matured and know their feelings more then they did when they were 16.And I don't think 1 in 10 people anyone meets will actually be gay or lesbian, i think that is wrong. I don't want to sound so contradicting to what you are saying, and many things are the same with whatever era of time, but with certain things it isn't. I think you can't fully speak for kids who are going through feelings today, because society has changed so much from when you were a teen, theres a whole new outlook on homosexuality many still find it offensive, and others obsess over it so much they think they aren't straight because now being straight isn't as cool, its to many 'boring'.I am gay, but i know lots of people who most definetly are not gay but claim to be, or claim to be bi. Theres sadly probably a lot of gays who say they are straight/bi and just as many straights who say they are gay/bi.

[Indego 0]

No offence but alot of what you have said isn't true. You are over 30 which means you probably haven't hung around people under 20 that are living today, not when you were 13-20. Many teens today DO choose to be bisexual, either because they think its cool, they think its different and will be a shocker, because they don't understand how to deal with admiring/idolizing and actual attraction for someone of the same gender or some other reason. I do believe many people choose to just call themselves bisexual just because they don't know what else to call it, so yes i do think for that part is a phase concidering atleast a half of those who say they are bi today, will not think/know they are bi 10 years from now, because they have matured and know their feelings more then they did when they were 16.
And I don't think 1 in 10 people anyone meets will actually be gay or lesbian, i think that is wrong.

I don't want to sound so contradicting to what you are saying, and many things are the same with whatever era of time, but with certain things it isn't. I think you can't fully speak for kids who are going through feelings today, because society has changed so much from when you were a teen, theres a whole new outlook on homosexuality many still find it offensive, and others obsess over it so much they think they aren't straight because now being straight isn't as cool, its to many 'boring'.

I am gay, but i know lots of people who most definetly are not gay but claim to be, or claim to be bi. Theres sadly probably a lot of gays who say they are straight/bi and just as many straights who say they are gay/bi.

Hello JasperIK,
thank you for you opinion and no I haven't taken offense in anything that you have to say it's a free world and thankfully you are able to express your opinion....., however before you go assuming anything you should perhaps check some of the sources that I refer to No offense but I do know what I'm talking about as I said briefly I've been involved with the GLBT Community for many years now and that involvement includes being a mentor and councilor for QUAC "Queensland Aids Council" as well as being actively involved with several events and youth based programs in south east Queensland, So from your stand point you are correct there are many young people (God that makes me sound so old ) teenagers and early 20 somethings that do choose to experiment in Bi Sexuality because it's cool and that's fine. I'm pleased that in today's society its OK to experiment with sexuality, it certainly wasn't when I was your age, and believe me it doesn't feel that long ago......

With regards to the Stat's that I advised you on. one person in ten will identify as being Gay or Lesbian this is a cold hard fact based on extensive University and Govt Health Studies the world over. the area of research was however taken from developed countries and does not include countries who's population does not speak English as a first or second language, or who's population doesn't fit into the first world environment. (Published Results Circa 2004 ~ 2005 ACON Annual Sexual Health Review). If you want to be more specific with the statistics the study also found that one in three people admitted to either participating or fantasied about being in an sexual experience with another person of the same sex.

So as you can see I am quite qualified to speak or at least hold an opinion and conversation about this subject. I'm also very pleased that you your self are gay and can draw on your own experiences. I am also more then aware that it is my generation the older Gay's and Lesbians who made it possible for you to be as open as you may have been with your family and friends and who have helped along the way with the general acceptance or more so awareness of our sexual identity and increased the populations understaning that Homosexuality is not a disease or mental illness its a genetically acquired trait that the individual has not ability to avoid or deter.

I am also thankful for the fact that as yet they (The Medical Establishment) are not able to, at this stage test or Identify a "Homosexual Gene" so we can go on letting the world have babies who may have red or blond hair with blue or brown eyes and who just may or may not be same sex inclined as they develop............


As I said in the beginning I am not offended by anything that you have said, nor would I be offended by anything that any person could say to me, If someone has a problem with my lifestyle and my physical makeup then that is their problem not mine and I'm sure as hell not going to loose any sleep over someone else's problems thats for sure.

Hopefully JasperIK you will do me the kindest of favors and keep an eye on this string of conversation in the future as I'm sure the world could do with a few more people prepared to state their opinion and maybe even help out some one in need of a shoulder to lean on or a 'PM' to bounce an idea or feeling off......

Thanks again for your interaction in this ongoing discussion......

[ink 0]

Hi Jase, I don't have any questions, I just wanted to tell you that I read this thread and I want to say that I think it's extremely wonderful that you started this topic here on the forum I hope people with questions will make good use of it

[garbage 0]

I just have to say personally I dont care what you preffer, but as any problem or issue that you might have to face and tell others has got to be tough, and by far i would say that coming out would probably rank as a very difficult thing to let people know, tho it does seem to be easier now in days with so many people doing it. but good luck

[rldowling03 0]

Well i am a gay teenager of age sixteen and i am not out of the closet as you would say. i have been gay for at least three years now, so i've know since i was quite young. i being so young haven't found someone i can love just yet, but am not rushing.I mean i have told my three closest friends that i'm gay, and they taken it well, but there are many gay haters in my community and i would love to come out, but i'm just really really scared of what will happen to me. any advise on how i could come out.

[salamangkero 0]

any advise on how i could come out.

First, I'd like to point out that I am aware the thread title is "Coming Out of the Closet"

 

Seriously, though, I don't see the reason behind this predisposition, among homosexual people, mostly, to "come out of the closet" I mean, I do understand myself it is nowhere near a grand melodramatic ceremony where one finally announces to the world he's gay (or she's lesbian). I am also aware that we do have these moments when we simply needed to tell the people closest to us, because we trust them or whatever other reasons. What I don't understand is this... sense of urgency, the need felt by a lot of gay people to "come out of the closet", in all the senses of the phrase.

 

See, for me, it just means admitting your sexuality to one or more people close to you. So regardless whether you drop the bomb on a silent crowd or steal some poor bride's thunder on her wedding reception, it all boils down to the same thing, which is saying you're gay (or lesbian) to people close to you.

 

I guess what puzzles me is why some homosexuals talk about "coming out" in school or in one's own community. I mean, sure, people can be really friendly and congenial but that doesn't mean everyone in school needs to know of one's own sexuality, right?

 

I, for one, do not hide my homosexuality in the real world but I do not flaunt it either. Some outspoken gay activists in our campus would happily call us gutless cowards. On the other hand, people like me do not think being gay is something to be celebrated. If anything, I would totally loathe to be associated with loud screaming *BLEEP*s who think that just because they're gay, they have the right to drop their manners on the floor and screech like herons with avian flu.

 

Anyway, the point is, coming out need not be a spectacular and sudden cataclysm in the social environment. After all, you'd do better doing anything but offering information to those who could care less for it. Otherwise, one of the feedback you'd probably receive will go along the lines of "So what if you're gay?"

 

Just be yourself, exhibit a limp wrist, dress in drag, go man-hunting, be as slutty or as genteel as you wish, flirt with boys or, heaven forbid, scream in the highest pitch. If people do genuinely care about your sexuality, they'd ask, "Are you gay?" and that time, when you're certain they want your answer, you'd be ready with your, "Yes."

 

As Dr. Seuss once said, "Be who you are because the ones who matter don't mind and the ones who mind don't matter."

[rldowling03 0]

Yeah your absolutely right... i mean i shouldn't rush into telling everyone because no one could really give a damn... i mean like i said i've told some friends, but always denied it to others...But alot of people at my school are gay haters and i fear what will happen to me once/if i come out at school, i just would really love to get it off my chest so i can be treated for who i am, a gay guy so i don't have to try and hide it anymore...But even without coming out i manage to get dates and get to do all the whole flirty stuff anyway :-P So i'm happy anyway, Lol...

[Indego 0]

Just looking over the conversations and thoughts that have been posted and there are many that are worth thinking about, I think that the idea of coming out so to speak is a personal choice. For me it wasn't until I was 24 years old when I told my mother and father. and not till 2 years ago that I told my very religious catholic Grand Parents ( Well actually my Aunt told them) and had to explain why I wasn't home on Sundays for lunch as much as I used to be Look as far as coming out of the closet or telling those people that you are close to about your sexuality, its very difficult and no-one will ever know when the right time for you to do is!...... But what I can tell you is that there are some really wonderful people out there that will make sure you are safe and secure about who you are, no matter the circumstances.I would however suggest that if you just have to tell the world that you are who you are, be very certain that you have a support network in place so you can feel safe and secure once you've told those that you needed to tell....I also have an opinion about the whole coming out issue as well even though i started this string. I am of the belief that not every one needs to know about your personal life and that is ever more important in this day and age. I am also of the though that being Gay or Lesbian does not define who you are just a part of your personality. I feel that these days as was mentioned earlier things have changed from when i was discovering life and my sexuality. People then were genuinely polite and would respect your decision even if they didn't feel it was a correct "life style choice". these days people are more aware and more capable of accepting homosexuality in their local community, however as accepting as they are, people have also developed the ability to be far crueler and far more violent towards our sexuality......Its really a shame, that with all our developments and growth as humans we have also lost some of those old world charms that made us safe and secure in our own home and community........ The only thing that I can honestly say to anyone with out knowing the specifics about coming out to family and friends is that, timing and delivery are everything. When you do tell them of your personal situation, give them time to take it in, Time to think about it logically and time to get over the initial shock.....So you have time on your side so make good use of it. If your friends and family react badly to your initial announcement, then sit back and think about it from their side of the story. There may be other things going on in their life that you may not be aware, this could be shrouding their true feeling towards you....Give everyone enough time and space to evaluate your situation, take heed in the feeling that many people have done what you have just done and many more will follow, be educated on your situation and be prepared for the worst case situation should that happen, And most importantly find a circle of support if every thing else goes wrong, find them and ask for their assistance and advice.........Please let me know if there is anything else more specific that you would like to know or talk about.

[JasperIk 0]

On the whole coming out opinions, i don't think coming out really is something every gay person needs to do i mean straight people don't go around saying 'oh well, i'm straight..' do they? No so why should gays? I like to talk about my boyfriend, without having to stop and tell everyone i'm gay before i do. I do tend to come out, just because i HATE confusion i DISLIKE heavily being hit on by girls, or being thought to be a girl [online it usually happens, obviously not offline] and i like to know that the people i hang out with aren't homophobes, so i guess in many ways i feel obligated to just tell people i am gay...i am not the type of person that says it every minute of the day, or wears shirts yelling it out, and i do not go to every individual i meet and tell them i like guys...but i usually wait for the right moment to atleast mention that i don't date girls [and there is a right and wrong moment to tell such things] and then if no one makes a fuss i just continue to talk to them and talk about how i like guys. Because i really hate when people say they are okay with gays but arent okay with me talking about guys which really isn't fair...if everyone [straight] is allowed to talk about who they like, i do think its fair i [and other gays] can to.

[Jimmy 0]

As Dr. Seuss once said, "Be who you are because the ones who matter don't mind and the ones who mind don't matter."

Great Quote! - Applies to many things, it is something worth remembering!

[Aneraemarfa79 0]

My sex-blog
http://forums.xisto.com/no_longer_exists/