Trusting Love

[winterdragon23 0]

I would like to start by saying I am a 24 year old man, and I am having trouble trusting that my girlfriend loves me. Now, for a little background.I know part of my issues stem from the fact that I was frustrated as a child that my father only told me he loved me a handful of times. Nearly all of my girlfriends have either cheated on me or left me for other guys. My ex-fiance used to tell me she loved me everyday, and often multiple times each day. When she met someone else and ended our relationship, she told me she never really loved me but was in love with the idea of being in love. My last girlfriend used to say she loved me frequently, but she suddenly stopped speaking with me and spending time with me. I later found out she'd been with someone else the entire time she was with me.My current girlfriend was with someone when I met her. I've basically had feelings for her from the start, but I didn't say anything until I'd known her for seven months. I never asked her to leave her boyfriend for me, nor did I want her to. I've been on the other end of that and would never wish that on someone else, even though he didn't treat her very well. I told her I respected her relationship and I wouldn't cross the line of friendship, I just wanted her to know how I felt. Anyway, about a month later, he called her and said he wasn't happy in their relationship and broke up with her. That was back in May. In August, I was thinking about moving on and dating someone else. Before I did so, I asked her how she felt about me, and she told me she thought she was falling in love with me. Unfortunately, she also said she wasn't ready to be in a relationship again after being hurt by her last boyfriend and having that relationship end abruptly. Basically, she was afraid I'd hurt her like he did. Once she was over that, she was afraid she'd hurt me. Things got a bit frustrating for a while, but we finally worked it out so we were both comfortable being in a relationship. We've been together a little over a week now, and last night I told her I'm having issues trusting that she loves me. She doesn't say it very often. She would say it spontaneously and a couple times a night back in August when she first told me how she felt. Then she went a month without saying it. It has now been a week since she last said it, and I had to let her know it was bothering me before she said it last week. I say it all the time, and her response is usually "I know" or "Thank you." She feels that she shouldn't have to tell me if I already know. How do I trust that she loves me and not need her to tell me all the time?

[master_bacarra 0]

you know the cliche "actions speak more than words"? expressing one's love for another doesn't only come down to saying "i love you". there are a lot of ways of expressing love, and most of it roots from one's actions, instead of them saying the words. the tricky thing about words is that you don't know the underlying meaning of the words--the real intention of the speaker. true, saying "i love you" can be flattering, but that would only happen if the speaker really means it, and the only way you can tell is for you to read his/her actions accompanying the words. although there are people who can really fake it, it takes a lot of skill to know if someone means what he/she says. with regards to your father not saying "i love you" to you not often when you were a child, well, you know males aren't really the gender who is best when it comes to expressing their love, especially on the same sex. and "i love you" isn't really the best words to use to express a father's feelings toward his son. filial love is different from your relationship with your past/current girlfriends. like what i've said, there are other ways. he may not be saying "i love you" to you but he could show it anyways, like by being buddies with you. "does she love me? i don't hear her say it often. maybe she doesn't love me anymore"... maybe you should start off by trusting her. your inability to trust your partner could lead you to the wrong path. the experience you've had with your past girlfriends should not be treated as suffering or bad experience. true, it may be hurtful for someone, and to start with another relationship could bring fear that the same thing would happen. but you could always learn from a relationship. it may not have worked out for the both of you, but at least you would be more wiser the next time, and hopefully don't fall for the same thing again. the whole point is for you to be observant, a very keen one. as i've said, it takes a lot of skill to understand actions and their underlying meaning. this is because others can be misleading, and in the worst case scenario, you would probably worsten the situation by arguing more about it. and of course, it's not only one way. you should also do your part. it's not enough by saying "how should i trust that she loves me". it's more of a prerogative in a relationship for two people to have trust for each other.

[winterdragon23 0]

mbacarra, thank you for your help. I greatly appreciate your words of wisdom. I feel a lot better about things now.

[heavensounds 0]

Well it is very nice that you found out yourself that the problem acctually lies in yourself. You are the one not confident in yourself, not believing that there might be a girl out there that is really capable of loving you. That is a problem and it is maybe even bigger than it looks at first. It is a sort of vicious circle, because it affects you in two ways or it has two dimensions. The first dimension is that you are not able trust any girl and TRUST is the one thing that is the most important in each and every relationship. Without trust neither of partners can feel comfortable. Both are always controlling each other and one of them or both become just like police officers controlling certain suspects. That is not OK and that is not a good and healthy relationship. So you are not capable of trusting your girlfriend and that makes you an officer and will inevitably lead to you becoming a police officer kind of partner.That leads to the second dimension of that problem and that is her feelings towards you. From the way you described the whole situation, she really loves you (she tells you that once in a while and when she does it, it is totally spontanious) so right now there is no need for you to become jelous or a cop. If you say her that you love her all the time and always repeat that in case she forgets, that will have an opposite effect FOR SURE! It is just like with things you can buy in stores. Something that is easy to get is not as valuable as something that is hard to get. So if you tell her that you love her sooo much all the time, this words "I LOVE YOU" will loose its value and they soon won't mean anything to her anymore - and we don't want that do we? Through both of this dimensions I tried to explain why you will always be caught in a vicious circle of not trusting your girlfriend. This is how it goes: 1. you love her, she loves you2. you love her and YOU TELL HER THAT ALL THE TIME, she still loves but words "i love you" loose their value3. you love her and STILL TELL HER THAT ALL THE TIME, she becomes bored, take you for granted4. you start doubting if she really loves you, she think that that was enough and start getting cold5. you lost another women that REALLY LOVED YOU just because you were unable to trust her!So please for you own sake and for the sake of your girlfriend who is I'm sure a great girl, do TRUST HER. I have a certain rule that I find very useful: TRUST EVERYBODY AS LONG AS THEY DO NOT BETRAY YOUR TRUST! If you live like that and GIVE EVERYONE a chance to be trusted than you will find someone worthy of your trust...Hope all ends well, Greetz mate

[winterdragon23 0]

Didn't sound too heavenly to me. Kinda harsh. Mostly true, but still kinda harsh. Thanks for giving your perspective, though.

[quakesand 0]

Yea, winterdragon, trust her, don't just tell her that you loved her everytime, she might think that your weird. Just do something that makes her really happy, the word "I love you" does'nt make any good feelings for her, she already know that you liked her, start making her happy, make her excited, give her warm speech that shows you care about her.But don't just tell her that, ask her if she is cold on winter. If she is, buy her a jacket.Do things to show that you worry about her, anyone wishes for this.

[winterdragon23 0]

Glad I trusted her. Tonight she told me she's still in love with her ex and isn't sure who she wants to be with. Thanks for fabulous advice. Remind me never to trust another woman as long as I live.