My Partner Is 18 Years Older Than Me! Age gap is taking its toll on us both..

[Susan 0]

I have been in a relationship for seven years with a man that is eighteen years my senior. We dated back in the day, however, at that time in his life, he was a lot more spry and active. He used to take me dancing and I fell in love with him.

At the time I was a travel nurse. I served all over the United States...even Alaska. But, I would always come home to him.

One assignment landed me in New Orleans, LA...and I decided to live there and Mardi Gras and make it my home. I din't come back to him for three years. I only flew in to visit from time to time.

On my last visit I found him to be very ill with emphsema. I promised that I would stay with him and take care of him until he died. He put a gorgeous ring on my finger. I have been living with him now for the last two years...but he's changed so much!

He acts like my Father not my lover. He wants to smoke like a chimney and hang out at the local saloon 24/7! I have lost the kind, generous soul that I fell in love with once and gained an old, cranky task master. I lost my movie Buddy, my fishing partner...I lost my friend.

He, too, has become resentful of me - I feel. I enjoy life. I want to go places and do things. Walks in the park, swims at the lake, out on the boat, Theatre and orchestra events. He wouldn't even come with me to see the 4th of July fireworks in the park!

One night recently, I crept out of bed, got a blanket and laid on my front lawn at 3:45 am to watch the meteor shower for a while. That was special to me.He found me and made me feel "...childish and immature".

Long story short: I feel so bad for resenting him so much and loving him at the same time. I know he feels the same way about me...I'm TOO active and he's intensely jealous of me because he thinks some "stud-muffin" might come along and steal me away.

The whole situation has gotten so weird. If we likened ourselves to an animal - he would be a sloth and I would be a poodle. We are getting on each others last nerve. I have also started craving more freedom but my conscience is torn.

I would be interested to know if any other people are having these same horrible thoughts and what can be done to get us back on the same page? I suppose that there are men, as well, whose significant other is much older...that can't be easy either.

 

Thank you for letting me vent - Susan

 

Notice from jlhaslip:

edit bbcodes ... closing tags are required here,

and attachments are disabled, sorry...

Edited January 27, 2006 by jlhaslip (see edit history)

[jlhaslip 4]

Well, guess I stand to be corrected. Seems you got an attachment working in there somehow.. I have been told they were disabled, but that is off topic.

 

That age thing can be tough, and the illness isn't helping at all. I have a sister who married a fella that is older than both my parents by about five years. It also took some time, they have been together since forever, but I think now it is finally catching up to them. Same situation. My sister is still quite active, but the Bro-in-law isn't. It does seem to be as much from an illness though. I'm guessing that'd emphasis the differences.

 

All I can suggest is that you measure your difficulties against the love you have for the man, and that'll tell you if it is worth the stress you seem to be feeling. If you have been together for 8 years now, there must be some love between you and that is what will pull you through this period.

 

Best wishes, of course.

 

Notice from jlhaslip:

Just realized this was posted in the Dating and Relationship Forum.

It might belong in the Vent, but then again, it is sort of 50 / 50, so I'll keep it here.

[Thorned Rose 0]

My sister's partner is quite a bit older than her too but then she feels that she was abondoned by our father and is quite obviously looking to him as a father figure but that's a whole nother issue. My point being, is that they have problems in their relationship becasue of the age difference. He will quite often treat her like a child and she will quite often let him walk all over her and do what he wants.I think you have to ask yourself - what do I want from this relationship, what are my expectations both now and in the future when we are older and how much am I willing to compromise? If the answers are that your expectations and wants are very different from what the relationship is and will be and that compromising will cost you too much, you will have to realise that it won't work. Relationships obviously require sacrifice and compromise but if ultimately neither partner is benefitting relationshipwise from the relationship there is very little point - you will get to the end of your life having wished that you'd done so many other things and just end up kicking yourself.Love is obviously the most important part of a relationship but a relatioship cannot work with just love. There has to be sharing, communication, equality, trust, respect etc. These are very important aspects of a relationship and if one or more is lacking, either the relationship needs working on or it's time to call it quits.I'm a big advocate of counselling and together forever meaning exactly that - too many people are all too willing to drop their relationships at the first sign of problems rather than working through differences. But at the same time, sometimes no matter how much two people love eachother, they just have to let go.I think it admirable that you are sacrificing so much for the man that you love but it would seem that the relationship has taken a negative turn and that the problems you are facing are fundamental and not changed by talking/counselling. Another thing you want to think about is - are you getting back what you are putting in or is the realtionship very one sided? The fact is that if a guy isn't willing to do something for you or bend over backwards for you or at the very least accomodate you, then either he just plain isn't all that into you or he's not as in love with you as you are with him.My advice is to sit down with him, make some argument rules (these are rules on how to argue in a civil way - like no yelling, no calling names, being straight up, telling each other exactly how you feel, no walking away etc) then discuss exactly what each of you want out of the relationship, what you want for the future and how you feel. You may come to realise that you have grown to be two very different people and that you are in love with the memories of eachother not who you are now. Anyway, that is my advice, it may or may not help you and of course, you don't have to listen to anything I've said if you don't want to At any rate, I hope it works out the best way for both of you.

[seez 0]

The dude sounds like a stick in the mud. You should talk to him. If this love is really special, mend it. If it's not, (which it seems like because hey, you left him for three years even though you didn't divorce) ditch the dude before he ruins your life. Go have fun, get a drink. Enjoy life while you can, you're still young

[tuddy 0]

You should not force yourself to continue loving someone that cannot respect and love you equally back. I fel that your still there looking after him because you have part love and part nurse holding you there. Maybe you need to end the relationship and still be friends? Maybe you need to talk to him about this and try and get him back into the sprite of things, if not, back to option one.

Edited July 12, 2007 by tuddy (see edit history)

[iGuest 3]

You have to strength his self-confidence since he fears you will leave him. And there are many people have the same faith and the same problem-they enjoy the age gap relationships and also have the age difference problems, and they go to some expert sites serve for this relationship such as Agematch.com to meet the match and ask for a help, may be you can also have a try. If it not work, may be you should consider out of the situation.-Andycome