The Perfect Plan Yet another song from me.

[lordofthesabbath 0]

The Perfect PlanI sink my face into my handsAnd weep away my lifeIt seems nothing I do can keep me fromFailingFailingI let the rain hit my faceAnd mingle with my tearsLook inside of me and the empty spaceSo afraidSo afraid(Chorus)Why did I fail so miserably? I took my time I took my timeWhy did I fail so miserably?I took my time I took my timeI took my timeWhy did I lose it all?I followed every word you saidBut patience didn?t seem to work at allI guess I blame myselfFor wanting it too muchI lost sight of you and now I?ve given upI give up(Chorus)Why did I fail so miserably? I took my time I took my timeWhy did I fail so miserably?I took my time I took my timeMaybe this wasn?t meant to beNot everything was meant to beDon?t take matters into your handsWait for the perfect planMaybe this wasn?t meant to beNot everything was meant to beDon?t take matters into your handsWait for the perfect plan(Chorus)Why did I fail so miserably? I took my time I took my timeWhy did I fail so miserably?I took my time I took my timeI took my time(X4)_______________________________PS I am the author of this song and i have not yet published it.Enjoy! Feedback please as this will probably go on our first CD if we make one.

[mama_soap 0]

Hello

 

For starters, I must say I had a good time reading this stuff. I went through it twice over, and I think it has the sort of sonic appeal that is good for a song. However, I am afraid I read and write poems - even worse, it is usually free verse, so I am clueless on meter, rythm, and so on.

 

Only a couple of quick nits - if you don't mind - I think the "why did I fail so miserably" line is tad too long and sticks out rather conspiciously. A shorter phrase might make it a little smoother. And more tersness will reduce some of the self-pity, and perhaps enhance the quality. A line edit suggestion:

 

Look inside of me and the empty space - I'd suggest you remove the 'of' for grammatical consistency.

 

This song feels like it has some back story to it. If you're writing within context, it's fine, otherwise I'd suggest you include some more concrete indication of what's going on as opposed to the abstract notions you've already used. Just a passing thought, though, not a serious problem.

 

I'd like to see more along these lines. Good work I especially liked the line 'wait for the perfect plan', I sort of identify with that attitude. By the way, if any of the comments don't suit you - please ignore them. I'd have given more detailed feedback, but I'm still in the middle of reading the rulebooks, and I'm not sure if overly long posts are good manners or not. In any case, keep these coming.

 

Cheers!

[lordofthesabbath 0]

Your a cool person, i was hoping someone like you would come along and help me edit my songs cuz i sreiously ain good at grammar. And its a song and the chorus part "Why did i fail so miserably" actually with the music isnt too long. And im taking your edits into consideration so if yopu could post some more that would help me alot! And this song does have a deeper meaning that is kinda obvious with the "wait for the perfect plan". It's a religous belief that God has a plan for us and will execute it in his own time, yet some christians get tired of waiting and rush things causing them to mess up or "Fail miserably".

[lordofthesabbath 0]

P.S. this will probably be our softest song on our cd as it is played with a slow piano beat mixed with some not-so-heavy power chords for the chorus.

[mama_soap 0]

Well, hello again

 

I am glad you found the feedback useful. I would just like to let you know, again, that your song is entirely yours, so if you're convinced about something, I'd suggest you give the conviction more priority than anything else. Unfortunately, like I said earlier, I'm not into either songwriting or western music, so my thoughts may be way off the mark, and you'll have to bear with that. Ok, here goes then:

 

I sink my face into my hands

And weep away my life

It seems nothing I do can keep me from

failing

 

I'd change the 'into' to 'in'. The second line could read 'And weep my life away' for what I imagine would be more accuracy. Maybe you can give this a stronger beginning? There is a lot of self-pity here, perhaps you could include illustrations of the failure that is huting so much , so that the person listening can 'see' what's going on, instead of being 'told' about it?

 

I let the rain hit my face

And mingle with my tears

Look inside of me and the empty space

So afraid

So afraid

Unfortunately, the phrase about the rain hitting your face is a bit cliche. The state 'afraid' in line 4 is a bit ambiguous, who/what is afraid? You, or the empty space? This might need some rephrasing.

 

Why did I lose it all?

I followed every word you said

But patience didn’t seem to work at all

 

This is the second time you're using the word 'seem' in the song. Try to see if you like it better without the words 'seem to', unless you really want it there. Again, some explaination might help - patience, following every word, these are vaugue notions. Something more specific and concrete? What really happened?

 

On a side note, since I've been going on about abstract/concrete, I was thinking that you might find this discussion useful.

 

I like the basic point and idea, and I also feel that its simplicity is one of its strong points. Just saying that messing around a bit can't hurt too much I do hope this makes its way into being a wonderful song. I'm sure I look forward to it. All the best *sneaks off to look for other songs by lordofthesabbath*

 

Regards,

Neel

[lordofthesabbath 0]

Thanks alot man! im taking ev erything into consideration! *prints out page* thanks again!

[lordofthesabbath 0]

Update: This song was originally meant to be a sorta "Place Your Experience Here" kinda thing where people can relate to it. It wasnt really meant to tell MY story but rather failures in general. I added this last part to the song:(x2)Everything I once wantedWas broken into piecesThe many dreams I had were not his planHe had his time for me____________________________________Thanks again for feedback.